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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Gutted for DD1 - prizegiving

166 replies

BathshebaKnickerStickers · 12/06/2018 22:45

Devastated tonight for Dd1.

She is brilliant at school. She tries so hard. She has just had an amazing report, great comments and near the top in almost all her subjects.

2 years ahead of her year group in 2 of her subjects.

Having counselling at the moment (school knows) about some MH problems.

2 lots of (intimate) surgery this year and months and months of healing and painful complications.

It was her school prize giving tonight. First thing I knew was her friends’ parents posting on Facebook about how proud they are.

I’m sure their children deserve it, it just seems so unfair that it’s almost a secret accolade for the chosen few.

No wonder her self esteem is through her boots - there is no system to positively feedback the “almost”.

OP posts:
hks · 15/06/2018 10:21

my daughter's never got a prize at primary despite trying their hardest and one having ASN's My youngest has had two awards since starting the secondary and my eldest daughter who suffered terribly from being bullied has still managed to achieve 5 awards over her her 4 yrs . but i do agree the top prizes seen to go to the same pupils year after year when there are so many others trying their best and dont get recognised for their efforts. andwhose parents cant affoard the private tutors to help them get the top marks.

Want2bSupermum · 15/06/2018 11:12

My secondary school used to have one prize each year for effort and a second for achievement. It was only in the exam years that subject prizes were awarded.

I never won a prize throughout school. It was absolutely comical that I wasn't awarded the maths prize in my GCSE year because I was in the 2nd set and was ahead of the top set. The girl awarded the prize was top set and had been suspended for smoking weed. It was a very good lesson to learn early on in life.

Anyway, for a kid who never won a prize I've done ok in life.

starray · 15/06/2018 11:35

"Children need to get used to competition in life and to situations where they will work hard and still not 'win' - not get the job, not get the promotion - whatever it might be - and be able to manage their feelings so that their self-esteem is not affected. They should also be taught to celebrate the success and efforts of others - even if they have not been officially recognised for theirs on that occasion."

Totally agree with this, especially the bit about learning to be happy for others' success. A poor life we have if we cannot be happy for our friends' joys and successes.

RoseWhiteTips · 15/06/2018 11:37

Not everyone wins prizes. It is an excellent lesson for life in the future.
🙄

Gretol · 15/06/2018 11:41

Dds secondary has a sports award evening which she's been invited to and a awards evening which she hasn't. I'm not putting anything about anything on Facebook

Gretol · 15/06/2018 11:41

*academic

Gretol · 15/06/2018 11:44

I remember when my dd was 15 she was bullied by another girl who was also in her history class. It was quite bad, school were involved.

Dd used to talk to the history teacher a lot about it, teacher was lovely and very kind. Dd was good at history and e ded up with the highest end of year exam mark.

When she went to the awards evening, the girl that bullied her got the history prize.

Fortybingowings · 15/06/2018 11:57

I feel for your daughter but it’s no long term predictor.
I figured out the formula for who got prizes or awarded prefect status at my private school. It was ‘child of governor’ ‘child with another fee paying sibling’ or ‘child who is a boarding pupil’
It seemed to hold true every time. I was none of these categories but I thought “fuck-em” at the age of 14-15 as I knew I was brighter than the rest of the class.
Many years later I’m the one with the medical degree. Hate the job but that’s a whole other thread Grin

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 15/06/2018 19:02

Our school it’s normally ‘child with older sibling’

Deathraystare · 15/06/2018 19:51

Take her out, spoil her, tell her what a prize she is to you and how special she is l.

Very true!

Catsinthecupboard · 17/06/2018 13:50

When my ds was in early primary school, i was heavily involved in volunteering; he won lots of various contests, awards, etc.

2 years later, I had pulmonary embolisms, was forced to stop volunteering and younger dd has never won anything....except races when nobody could dispute it.

They were both on swim team. My son began winning heats against coaches' son in butterfly; he was suddenly switched from butterfly to effing backstroke. I accidentally saw the times, ds was faster so they eliminated competition.

Both children won ribbons for swimming and their response was "finally! Ribbons that count! We earned them! Not the awards EVERYONE gets!" (Exclamations were pertinent :) )

I also noted one nasty mother changing times so HER own got ribbons. I'm also dyslexic so thought it would be wrong to do times in case I accidentally screwed up...which is worse? Accidentally or on purpose?! Argh!

Ds was not a stellar student bc he's dyslexic. He's starting a business, works steadily and will probably finish his 4 yr degree. (Schools are $$ and he's determined to be debt free.)

DD who NEVER won any academic award, is doing good in university and plans on getting Phd./JD. A good deal of her determination is to prove that she's as good as the award winners.

Actually. Dc and husband and myself are ambitious bc of the blatant unfairness in the world. Sometimes it's so tiring to see the unfairness that you just get angry and determined and in the case of our family say, "oh yeah? Try to take THIS from me." And we put our heads down and work hard and quietly, without fanfare, succeed.

Awards are politics. Personal experiences, goals, accomplishments are usually quiet and satisfying.
Personally, I think FB is evil and untruthful and hurts more than it helps. It's a giant time waster too. Think about it; instead of playing with the dc who grow up way too fast, doing something fun, interesting or enlightening, people are giving away private information for companies to use, hurting and being hurt by various head games of the same power mongers at school. Home used to be a refuge, now the societal angst is invited in.

When i was in year one of school we used to have " show and tell." My grandmother renamed it "bring and brag."

FB was written by a socially awkward, wealthy, college student who had virtually no real life experience. I don't see him actually getting life experience either; does HE worry about bills? Understand not being able to get to work bc of transportation issues? Wealth erases most daily problems. His popularity is without question bc of sycophants.

Yet, our lives are effected by an immature college kid's idea of how to find girls bc he was too awkward to go out to the quad and chat them up.

Yes, I seem to have lost the thread but not really; this is about the unfairness of prize awards. Zuck wasn't winning prizes so he started his own program to keep track of people/students. It was a quest for popularity.

Awards are given with the same concept with the same level of maturity and equity.

Explain to your children that the people in charge make the rules, hand out awards unfairly and it's just one more part of an unfair world. THEN hug them and go do an activity that you enjoy together and explain that family, love, personal feelings of accomplishment and fun are the best "rewards" which is better than an "award."

Explain fb is an immature, vile college student's response to being unpopular. Popularity is power, he wanted it, he invented a tool for getting it. Now it's a tool for evil. I never hear any happy things about using it.

Don't let him win. Turn it off and go have fun and if you run into someone you know, smile and have an authentic conversation...or wave and keep going.

You can't let other people control your emotions; live your life fully. It's way too short.

ForalltheSaints · 17/06/2018 14:22

The thing that seems most unreasonable to me is only inviting those who are to get prizes. As another poster noted, being able to celebrate the success of others is an important life skill.

user1487194234 · 19/06/2018 17:42

Anyone who posts about prize giving on social media is an arse
And I say that as a mother of 3 very high achieving DC

dailygrowl · 12/07/2018 11:33

Prize giving in our school is a joke as well - only 2 prizes are awarded in each year for children who have earned it through merit. The majority of the other numerous prizes go to kids who are pushy, bossy, loud and in the bottom set/group of everything (academic, sport, music, art etc) or who have had parents who made complaints about not getting a prize the year before. The joke this year was seeing the music and all-round achiever prizes go to a girl who is mediocre at music, academics and sport, and the two kids who are the best at music and contribute to things like singing for charity fundraisers, putting in extra time in rehearsals, etc ignored - just because the girl has a pushy dad who is a member of teaching staff at the school. Parents who don't like the secret or invitation-only nature of their schools' award ceremonies will probably not actually enjoy being told the opposite - that they are expected to dress up and attend speech day and that their children will spend two whole days rehearsing a ceremony where they must applaud and watch other kids practising getting prizes they didn't earn, while not actually having any teaching or lessons on those days. On top of that, they must all contribute to a fund for prizes and refreshments for that speech day.

dameofdilemma · 12/07/2018 15:30

"Children need to get used to competition in life and to situations where they will work hard and still not 'win' - not get the job, not get the promotion

This is a lesson they'll learn without school prize giving to ram it home.

The children from more privileged backgrounds.
The children fortunate enough to have a supportive, loving home.
The children cosseted in private schools.
The children ferried around to sports clubs by a doting parent or benefiting from expensive music lessons.
The children given a sought after internship by daddy's friend.

They're already winners. They don't need school prize giving as well.

The losers already know they're disadvantaged, ignored, disparaged, written off as 'non-aspirational', not trying hard enough.

In your average London comp it is very, very apparent who has already 'won' the competition.

On a more positive note good to see a few posts about schools recognising kindness, consideration for others etc. A much, much harder skill to teach than getting a few A*.

Myotherusernameisbest · 12/07/2018 16:16

YANBU. Prize giving at primary here is the same, but it is open to the whole school and everyone goes. But the dc who win the prizes every year are those who have had numerous behaviour warnings, bullies and those whose parents are closly linked to the school. It sends a very crap message to all the dc who try hard all the time and behave well at school. These children are NEVER rewarded.

Recent awards, my dcs bully got one for most effort. This is a child who frequently throws things in the classroom so all other students have to leave and who 2 weeks ago slammed my dcs head into a flint wall. Not for the first time. I think this one has been the final straw for alot of parents.

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