Gutted for DD1 - prizegiving

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Devastated tonight for Dd1.

She is brilliant at school. She tries so hard. She has just had an amazing report, great comments and near the top in almost all her subjects.

2 years ahead of her year group in 2 of her subjects.

Having counselling at the moment (school knows) about some MH problems.

2 lots of (intimate) surgery this year and months and months of healing and painful complications.

It was her school prize giving tonight. First thing I knew was her friends’ parents posting on Facebook about how proud they are.

I’m sure their children deserve it, it just seems so unfair that it’s almost a secret accolade for the chosen few.

No wonder her self esteem is through her boots - there is no system to positively feedback the “almost”.

Depends what you're recognising though.

Was at my DD's prizegiving last year (secondary) and as well as giving out prizes for achievement in subjects, they also gave out just as many for "hard work and dedication".

Prize giving ceremonies are pointless if everyone gets one, and the kids know that.

I think it's completely and utterly classless of the parents concerned to boast about the prizes on social media. It's pretty much guaranteed to cause hurt to those who weren't invited and didn't get an accolade. I can't bear people who do that kind of thing.

OP: I would have your own prize ceremony at home. Buy whatever your DD's favourite food is, and get one of those little trophies from a shop and have it engraved with something meaningful to you as a family. And present it to her and tell her how proud you are.

My son got the tutors award in y7, and there were 2 prizes per subject per year. On handing out the tutors award, the head said it was her favourite award because you got it for being a kind person which was the most important thing to be

Opposite situation at my secondary school. It was not very academic (either in the ethos of the school itself or the attitude of the kids) but couldn’t get enough of sports achievers. I remember sitting through interminable buttock-aching end of term assemblies, where cup after award went for football, drama etc. I was very academic (to the extent of getting myself into Oxbridge...with no input from the school), but felt I might as well not have existed as far as the school was concerned.

Obviously very academically able, but him being awarded 12 separate prizes meant another 11 slots for other children to be recognised were gone. There were also quite a few children got 2-4 separate prizes.

Out of interest, is it ok for the same child to be captain of both the football and the cricket team if they're genuinely the best candidate for both? Or should the school be artificially sharing these things around?

Unfortunately it doesn’t get any better when you’re an adult. My company gives out three awards a year. The rules state the sales rep with the highest figures wins salesperson of the year. It’s been the same person for the last 7 years because her territory naturally has more customera spending more money than anyone else. We’ve all given up but it does grate a little when you see how hard some reps work at improving and aren’t recognised

My dd is very very academic
She scored the highest score in year 6 in the Sats, got a Grammar place ( not in a Grammar area) and was offered a scholarship to Private school. At the Leavers assembly the commnet her teacher made about her was how tidy her desk area was while a boy who had been threatened with suspension 2 weeks before won a citizenship award and a big speech was given about how hard he had tried.
Effort was always put above achievements at her school. It’s still the same as DS is still there but I’m actually ok with that. It would have been nice for both to be recognised but they aren’t so that’s it. It’s must the culture of the school and what works best for them. From Reception disruptive children ended up on the well done wall for sitting on the carpet for 5 minutes while she got nothing but as I explained them sitting quietly was helping her to get on with her work.
Unfortunately if these children are the same as adults they will get a nasty shock when they find out that qualifications, jobs and promotions aren’t given out purely on effort.

Her Secondary school is very very different and rewards effort but mostly achievement

I know it can be wrenching watching accolades being dished out to others, but focus on the fact that she HAS been acknowledged. She has received glowing reports and sky high levels. Celebrate those. Let her know it is about achievement per se, not awards. Achievement is more important than awards. That understanding is what will support her confidence. By definition the vast majority do not get awards, and can’t all go through life gutted and with low self esteem.

It is terrible seeing your child go through surgery and difficult times. My heart was in my mouth for months when one of my Dc was in primary, but try not to project.

HoppingGreen: but the offers and scholarships were the acknowledgement and ‘prizes ‘ your Dd got!

Op your dd sounds academically gifted and as though she is doing very well. This is a good opportunity to show her that it isn't the prizes that matter - good grades and a good brain are far more important as they are what will see her to even greater successes.

No wonder her self esteem is through her boots - there is no system to positively feedback the “almost”.

Tell me about it. My DS (secondary school) is literally in the top 2 or 3 of almost every subject, yet he's not "the top" in any subject in any year. Prizes always go to the "top" of each subject, or to best progress made in the year, etc. So he sees prizes going to someone who's got 1 mark more than him in one subject but who is poor/average in most other subjects. He's missed out every sodding year and yes, it does get to him. Prizes are evil and need stamping out.

think that he quite possibly deserved it more than many others.
@Brizzledrizzle thats my point.Kids should be awarded for different things.Not just academic or sport related.

Kids who are brainy and sporty usually know it.Si in primary whats wrong with kids being neither being recognised.

I understand your disappointment but tbh I'd rather not have to sit through prizegiving. We all know who will get prizes because it's the same DCs every year. And laughably, some of them aren't the top of the class. They're just from the 'right' families. Yet the school makes all the DCs and parents sit through hours of tedium.
I'm actually wondering if it's bad form to feign illness all round and do something else that day.

He's missed out every sodding year and yes, it does get to him.

But he hasn't missed out on something that's rightfully his - he didn't win the prize. Again, we don't apply this to any other area of life; no one says that if you keep coming fourth in the Olympics you should get a medal anyway, as you kept coming really close. His 'prize' is doing really well across all his subjects and surely it's your job to help him see that, rather than to call for all school prizes to be banned?!

Our school hands out prizes to the same kids, many of whom are children of TA s . I think it's best to ignore it. The whole prize giving thing is nonsense. How is the decision made for a start? It's rarely transparent. Besides, for all you know the winner was more deserving than your DD.

At DS's school, subject prizes are given when a child exceeds expectations in a subject. So a really clever child , who may well be in the top 5 pupils for a subject, won't get an award, because they are only performing at the level of their ability. Whereas a less able child, who has done better than expected will win an award.

My DS has SEN and although his achievements at school have been huge (for him) they are never recognised by his school.

I think there's a huge difference between something like the Olympics and everyday school, though.

No-one is saying that national or international music or athletics competitions for children should give medals to everyone! But school isn't just about narrow achievement in one field - it's not even just about academics. It's about growing up, and children face a very, very diverse range of challenges while they do that. Many aspects of a child's life are relevant, and having prizes that only recognise one or two things is a bit soul-destroying at a young age for those who are good at other things or who face specific hurdles that others don't have to leap. I also think that some of the most important qualities are not rewarded, like care, kindness and empathy.

DS1 got a few prizes at the end of Yr11 and sixth form (that was when their school did it) because they did prizes for “the best in” each subject and he was in the ones he got. They did another one alongside which was for the pupil who put the most effort in, then there were sports prizes, music prizes, pastoral prizes etc.

When DS2 got to the end of Y13 we weren’t invited to the prize night which we thought was a bit strange because he’d been, consistently, the best in Sociology. He’d dropped one mark in his AS level yet the pupil who received the prize had got a D. Tbh I was more annoyed than DS2. He got the best prize in the end because he got an A* and got into his first choice of university. That was worth much more than a £10 WHSmith voucher and his name on a plaque.

Irish here. Prize giving does not exist at primary or second level. Its seems absolutely barmy. What does it actually achieve other than making most kids feel inferior. Surely exam results and reports cards are enough of a measure of academic achievement. It only measures and rewards one part of a persons whole personality. I cannot see what the parents don't say enough is enough and refuse to attend this nonsense. Unless of course the parents of the exceptional few get an ego boost out of it..........

I remember being invited to the award ceremony for our DS. He was mortified to find it was for attendance - ironic cheers from other pupils. He was mortified! We laugh about it now - he went on to get a 1st class degree and is doing well. I'm still proudest however of what a nice chap he has turned out to be - more important than any school prize now I look back

But school isn't just about narrow achievement in one field - it's not even just about academics.

School isn't - but the academic prizes are, and I guess I just don't see the problem with that? It's not like they're giving out a prize for 'best person' and then giving it to the person who came top in Maths - they're giving out a Maths prize. Not getting the Maths prize because you didn't come top in Maths shouldn't crush anyone; it should seem entirely reasonable. Giving prizes for empathy or kindness sounds nice, until you think about it - how well placed is the school to judge that? Isn't such a subjective prize much more likely to upset those who could have won but didn't - it's not like there's an empathy scale to refer to! I just don't see the value of giving prizes to all (older - again, I think this is different at primary school) students, as kids themselves work out very quickly how meaningless a prize that everyone gets is.

Presumably everyone agrees this idea of rewarding effort not achievement has to stop at some point? At the university I work at we give out prizes for best dissertation and best overall degree performance - is that ok, or should we also be giving out prizes to those that tried hard? Should employers be giving jobs to the candidates who put in the most effort, or to the ones who are actually best at the job?

The simple solution is to ditch FB or cull fellow parents from your friends list. Most DC know that there is an awards evening, as a lot of schools mention them in assembly afterwards, but they can also see that the majority of their classmates didn't receive anything either which puts it into context. DC's school has 250 in each year group and gives an award to a boy & girl for effort and achievement, so between 40-50 get a certificate each year.

(...so 4 awards per subject.)