to ask how do private schools produce such "confident" kids / adults and how I can do it at home?

[dragontwo]

Ok, I have my reservations about private schools, but I recognise that often they produce kids / adults with high self confidence and self assurance.

I want to know how they do this, how they drill this confidence into them, and how I can replicate any beneficial aspects of this at home into my own kid (state schooled)?

What do they say / do / teach that encourages them to be so confident and expect success?

I know there are down sides to everything but I'm just thinking about good ideas I can help my kid. NB I'm no tiger mother and do my best to encourage my kid as it is already but just looking for ideas and general thoughts on how it's done!!

Just curious!

I've looked around a couple of private schools (sadly we can't stretch to it) and the impression I get is that they have the space/time/wherewithal to seek and really support an individual child's interests and talents and really bring that side out of them. So kids leave believing that if they're interested in something that a) their interest is relevant, worthwhile and interesting and b) they can move forward with their interest and no one will tell them they're wasting their time. I wish large state schools had the facilities and opportunities to offer a similar culture. Smaller classes make for calmer learning and better opportunities for staff to really know their pupils capabilities and support their deficiencies. All this creates a culture of 'I can, I will, I am worthwhile'. Which I think accounts for a lot of confidence in ex-private school pupils.

Confident parents who are interested in their children and interested in the world around them and who motivate their children to fulfill their potential whilst giving and expecting respect will grow confident children.

I have a very confident 7 year old in a state school. DH and I went to private schools and both come from families with confident, capable parents, so that background is there.

My DD has been confident from a very young age, some of that is about being naturally outgoing. She also spent a lot of time with high quality adult interactions - her nursery was great for having high staff ratios and an expectation that the staff would be down on the floor playing with the children.

No one has ‘squashed’ her confidence. For example, at nursery she would join the manager in showing prospective parents round the nursery. I was amazed that they allowed her to do that, but they did and it made her feel great.

We have high expectations of her academically and her teachers do too - there is always a next step, even if she’s done something well. But there is also praise for doing well and particularly for creating her own challenges and achieving them.

She has a strong peer group of similar children. They (and their parents) create a culture of competition and make academic success desirable, rather than stigmatise it. They also challenge her tendency to try to take the lead excessively.

She does a range of extra curricular activities which broaden her educational experiences to something more like a private school range of subjects (that’s not why she does them). Those activities range from ones that she finds easy, to ones that require perseverance and she doesn’t have a natural aptitude for, but still enjoys. One of the harder things to provide for academically capable children is opportunities to fail or the need to persevere to achieve and that can make it hard to develop resilience.

We also take her to interesting places and hopefully do fun things. We haven’t taken her abroad a lot, but we do go to new places and look for things that match her interests. We answer her questions and follow through with her interests, though I do try to get her to do some stuff independently.

I think that the most important thing is that we just assume she’s capable of pretty much anything and the world is her oyster. I think that is part of the private school attitude. So if she says ‘I want to go to Japan’, I might say that we won’t take her, but she can go as an adult, like X did. Everything is within her reach.

I would like to point out that my DD is also a lovely girl, she might sound very confident, but she is pleasant with it.

Kids copy their parents up to a point, when they are young.
I am confident, so my child is too. Our friends and the grandparent are all confident. As a result she just thinks this behaviour is normal now.
It happened long before school.
I am not particularly good as a parent but confidence was just a normalised behaviour.

(Self) Confidence is not the same as self esteem. Behind a facade of confidence can also be low self esteem.
I have a good friend. Single mum, no dad on the scene, low income, and her daughters are so confident, both physically and socially at primary age.
Their mum is so engaged with them, long walks, camping, brownies, swimming lessons, crafts.
Their mum is very sociable, energetic, structured, strict but also spontaneous.

Public school can produce polished individuals who are trained to succeed in leadership positions. A confident, well rounded child is ultimately the result of parental love and involvement.

Good question and some really interesting replies.

When I grew up it was considered precocious for a child to talk to adults in any meaningful way; you just answered what you were asked. Whereas maybe middle class parents are more likely to encourage a two-way conversation from a young age.

I went to uni with a lot of private school people and was struck by how they spoke to the lecturers and professors as equals, without any sign of deference, or batting an eyelid, assuming these adults were interested in what they had to say. Whereas I saw them very much as authority figures and could not seem to talk naturally to them.

From my DH who went to private school, he thinks a lot of the pupils saw their teachers as ‘their staff, that they were paying for’, so the power balance was different to state school.

Also vocabulary - if I’d used a ‘big word’ at school (normal words like ‘dispersed’, ‘hesitant’, ‘finite’), I’d be mocked or bullied, by kids or even other adults. We had to use very basic language to fit in, and just got used to talking in a restricted way. It was not then easy to learn how to express complex ideas, or join in ‘high brow’ conversation.

Taking notes on the tips from pp’s for my own kids too!

I would also say private school teachers mostly don't get better pay unless they are at one of the elites. And I have also witnessed cheating, low grade level, giving much more than recommended help with coursework for example and have seen what used to be S and L grades highly inflated when sent to the boards. A good state school is a much better option for well rounded adults. Also it is only confidence in one area, I've taught kids who wouldn't know how to get a bus or write an essay without one to one help. One friend told me she sent her daughter to a private school so she didn't have to bother putting manners on her as the school would do it.

My personal experience is that kids from private schools have been exposed to wider opportunities from lots of different social activities and have the money to travel and broaden their horizons.

One person I knew who went to a grammar school had teachers who really cared, mine mostly cared about the kids who were important in their social circle and those of us who could not help them in any way, were seen as scum.

I was privately educated and always lacked confidence - it isn't a given.

But as a private prep school teacher myself now who hopes to send DC privately, I would say it is:

• Parents - usually successful themselves and pushing their child to do their best through reassurance, celebrating successes
• Smaller classes - more chance to speak out and less intimidating
• Staff eat lunch on family dining style tables often initiating discussion and children are encouraged to join in in a relaxed way
• Expectations are high - kids generally rise to the bar when it is set and get self-belief through the fact their parents/teachers think they can do it (if you are told your whole childhood you will go to a good university, you believe it and don't doubt this fact. If you are told it is an option but doesn't really matter or only for if you get the grades, you will see it as something out of your reach)
• As a teacher, I've noticed the differences between state and private in teacher-pupil relationships. In my prep school it is far more relaxed and teachers are constantly reassuring, welcoming and chatty compared to state where, in order to keep discipline, you had to be a little harder, colder and tougher. Kids tend to get in more trouble in state schools as teachers know if they let kids get away with the small things, behaviour will escalate.
• The idea of being 'better' or having achieved something great just by winning a place in the school they are at. I remember constantly being told how lucky and clever I was for getting a place at X school.

As I said, this didn't work on me - I was painfully shy and hard on myself. But I do recognise that deep down I always expected to go to a top uni, get top grades and do very well in my job. I had a sense that my education meant I should be achieving these things and was capable of it. I didn't have uber confident parent role models which shows how important those are for social confidence.

I was really interested on what Chelsie Clinton had to say on this recently, who was famous for being a very precocious child. She said her parents always spoke to her about their work, and asked for her opinions on lots of topics. They used to do mock role plays on debates at the dining table. I think taking the time to culture their opinions and thought processes is a big part of confidence.

Really interesting question. I have always been in awe of the confidence adults who went to private school have. It's a very specific kind of self-assurance that you rarely see in people who went to state school.

I first noticed it at university and even now, at the age of 37 with a fairly successful career, I don't feel I half anywhere near as much self assurance as those confident 18 year olds I knew at uni.

things from my private school came up in psychotherapy - when I was 37!!! So not everybody emerges confident and brimming over with self-worth. My dd at local all girls school and she is more encouraged at school than i ever was. Her accent is a bit local too though so you can't have everything but that's ok. I think she is having a better happier education than I had.

Lots of ballet and ponies. Probably.

Hm... I think I actually had the opposite experience. I went to a state primary school which was in special measures (eventually closed down) and I had abundant confidence in primary school. I got a scholarship to private school and my confidence was pretty much destroyed over the years. I think perhaps some of that was my own insecurity about not deserving to be there because I was on a scholarship and couldn't have attended otherwise. But I also found that there was a lot of unhealthy competition and my self-worth was bound up in my grades and how I compared to other pupils. I think it depends a lot on individual schools and also on home life.

Definitely modelling confidence and an independent sense of self-worth separate from achievements are important imo.

He is now at the age where he understands that there are people that are less fortunate than him, which only makes him want to help them. This morning on the way to school, he suggested that we could start save money every week until near to Christmas and buy gifts for children that never get a gift.

I'm sure your son is lovely as is that sentiment but on a broader level for me this is actually all part of the process of making sure your child knows his place in the world. "it makes him want to help them" means your child has already identified that there are children who are less privileged than him - so he is more privileged than them. He is the one who helps. They are the ones who will be grateful to be helped. I'm really not having a go but it is something I struggle with for my own privately educated, well-off children.

The best school we toured did not tout "community service" as a generous thing you did to others less fortunate but as an opportunity for the student for which they should be grateful and they framed the people the children helped as their peers - someone just like them to who had different experiences.

I'm in the US so maybe different but I see a lot of similarities -

learning how to shake hands (fourth grade every child lined up and shook hands with both teachers every morning, say good morning and looked them in the eye - that dealt with that - there were also regular days when the principal would be at the door of the school greeting every child as he/she went in).

Opportunities for public speaking. Every school event had introducers and transistioners and other speakers from first grade up.

Opportunities period - dd is stalward member of the feminist coalition. The middle school invited them to present to the 8th graders. The school leverages every opportunity for the kids.

A commitment to excellence - if it needs extra coaching/rehearsal/time so be it. It will happen. the children and the teachers give the time. I sat through many a very mediocre performance in state school. Not one in private. I don't blame the teachers in state school but it sets expectations for the children.

Expressly teaching interview skills, conversation skills etc.

A belief that every child is going to go on to university.

I have had children in 4 very different private schools in the NE US. These are the things that were common to all.

To a certain extent I do agree with Bertrand - it is down to privilege. The children who attend the very well-funded town high school up the road from me where the average house price is nudging a million and all of the parents chose this town for its "good schools" are the same as the kids in private school in terms of confidence by and large.

Is it definitely true confidence, under the surface? My DP and an ex from years ago are private/ public school boys. They are both deeply insecure but come across as incredibly confident. I think they learned to present themselves that way at school but it is just skin deep. Now I come to think of it this is the case with a privately educated female friend as well.

I Agree with a poster above who advises be careful of too much confidence.
So true. I had a privately educated colleague who had always been told he was the elite, he believed it too (even though he was fairly mediocre in the brains dept). Was in a job with equivalent pay packet far higher than he should have been. All lovely for many years for him. Then we got a new CEO who saw straight through him, and made him redundant. Colleague can not handle it to the point that he has, tragically, become a mess with massive mental health issues. Because he got to the age of 50, before anyone ever said he wasn't actually very good at something.

My son was privately educated for a long while and I believe it’s not the school that makes kids confident but the DNA of parents successful enough to afford private education. Not all privately educated kids are confident, for some it’s an ordeal. There are exceptions to every rule but it’s essentially the stock their from be that successful lawyer or successful builder

Just realised how awful that sounded. There are 4 types of parent at the school my son went to. Old money, new money, dirty money and no money. I was the latter. My son is confident but not because I’m successful (doing ok but no money by private standards) but because he’s just him.

From this thread it seems that most people believe this confidence could be achieved for home/state educated via extra curricular sport, music, drama plus good parenting. That's good news!
The only thing we can't really compete with/get for our state educated children, is the sheer volume of public speaking opportunities. Our state primary are pretty good tbh, but I'm surprised it's not more normal to follow the private schools example where possible.

One thing I really don't like (and maybe I've missed the point) is when parents say things like 'ds is so proud to be at this school' . Proud of what? That your parents can afford to send you to private. Um, well done.

I don't think that it has anything to do with schooling necessarily . DD and ds were confident at a very young age and went to the local state primary. I think it is more to do with how you react to things as a parent.

I am a confident person, I think they picked up confidence by example.

As a very shy child and teen/early adult, with one sociable parent and one shy, it’s to do with opportunity and being made to do things. I ended up in a job where I had to do public speaking - I hated it but I learned to do it well and gradually became more comfortable at it, but then I changed jobs to one where I don’t need to present, and I’m not quite back to square one but I’ve started going scarlet when I speak in front of people again!

Schools can be selective in who they admit
Parents enforce the rules or politely and privately diasagree and discuss without resource to media
Small classes
Wanting to study is encouraged and doesn't lead to bullying from those that couldn't give a damn and their parents enable their negative attitude
Teachers are really enthused to teach and their enthusiasm is evident
As well as all the other posts from above
It's not one thing it's a combination

The only thing we can't really compete with/get for our state educated children, is the sheer volume of public speaking opportunities.

That’s true. When I was young (Primary age) you could go to speaking classes out of school. I seem to remember them being in a prim lady’s lounge and having to recite poems. I’m not sure that exists anymore.

One thing I really don't like (and maybe I've missed the point) is when parents say things like 'ds is so proud to be at this school' . Proud of what? That your parents can afford to send you to private. Um, well done

They're not proud because of the fact that their parents can afford to send them there.

Many private schools are very selective in who they admit, with multiple exams followed by interviews, so getting in to these schools is in itself a great achievement to be proud of. (Certain prep & secondary schools particularly in London/Home Counties have hundreds of applicants per place)

But there's also a sense of pride of belonging to the school community - it's nothing to do with the fact that your parents pay to send you there. I was also proud to be a student at the excellent state school I attended myself.