to ask how do private schools produce such "confident" kids / adults and how I can do it at home?

[dragontwo]

Ok, I have my reservations about private schools, but I recognise that often they produce kids / adults with high self confidence and self assurance.

I want to know how they do this, how they drill this confidence into them, and how I can replicate any beneficial aspects of this at home into my own kid (state schooled)?

What do they say / do / teach that encourages them to be so confident and expect success?

I know there are down sides to everything but I'm just thinking about good ideas I can help my kid. NB I'm no tiger mother and do my best to encourage my kid as it is already but just looking for ideas and general thoughts on how it's done!!

Just curious!

“Most things are just practice”

So true!

I asked dh about this issue. He said he thought there must be an algorithm to gauge self-confidence, but by and large though that confidence is in inverse proportion to self-awareness (or is that vice versa?!). So the less self-aware you are, the more confident.

I don't think confident types - of whatever background - spend time torturing themselves about what they said to someone last week, or whether they sounded stupid in the presentation, or even if they've put their foot in it or hurt someone's feelings.

"I don't think confident types - of whatever background - spend time torturing themselves about what they said to someone last week, or whether they sounded stupid in the presentation, or even if they've put their foot in it or hurt someone's feelings."

True, lets go back to JRM, he went on a national TV show watched by millions and made statements that were untrue.

He doesn't care, and because he said it with confidence people will believe him.

I think there's a big difference between confidence and arrogance, and we are inclined to confuse the two. What JRM has is arrogance.

Irma, good point. I don't even read the feedback when I give all my talks. If people don't like them they don't need to go to them and if I am not hired again that's great as it is the hardest work of the things I do!
I agree there is a big difference between confidence and arrogance. Knowing your own failings (including all my typos above when I was amusingly trying to suggest I was good with words (shot myself in the foot there)) is a key part of it.

I think it has been an interesting discussion but about to close as we are on page 40.

Sorry, but I don't agree that confidence is in inverse proportion to self-awareness - I think that's more true of arrogance.

In careers such as sport or theatre self awareness of your own short-comings is crucial and that's why people watch videos of themselves playing tennis shots or acting on stage etc.

I DO agree that confidence in many things is "just practice" however and coming back to the OP, that's what a lot of people's comments have been saying i.e. you should aim to give your DCs as many opportunities to practice the skills that will benefit them in the future.
User's well-rounded, confident sounding sons have clearly had lots of practice of interacting with all sorts of people, of leading groups etc.

The private school/state school comparison may simply be that many private schools are able to offer to provide more opportunities for students to practice those skills due to facilities, small classes, budgets, contacts etc. However as many people have been quick to point out, many state schools offer such opportunities too, and they are readily available to people who want them through external groups such as DofE, Scouts, NCS etc.

As we all know, 'practice makes perfect', and even if you know you're not perfect, but you've been able to try something many times in a similar environment and know you CAN do it, then inevitably that's going to make you feel more comfortable and confident.

Private schools have smaller classes with fewer kids that are struggling so most kids get more teacher time. They also have loads of extra curricular activities.

You can replicate the extra curricular activities with stagecoach, music lessons etc. Don't just plug away with the same activity if they're not getting much out of it. Let them try loads of things till you find your niche. Sit down every year and really think about their activities and if they are still working.

You can encourage the academic stuff by reading to and talking to them about all sorts of topics. We take ours to galleries, concerts and read bedtimes stories even to our 11 year old. He is interested in science so has all kinds of books on space, physics etc etc.

It is possible but it takes lots of hard work & ££ (although not as much as private schools!)

We are all equal human beings.

Only someone who is secure in the knowledge they're superior would say this 😂

Or Xenia.

I thought it might be hard to dispute that we are all humans and equal to each other! I didn't say we were the same. Isn't what I wrote a fundamental principle with which most of us agree?

My DDs (one just graduated, the other just left sixth form), went to a midrange girls independent. DD1 is probably 'quietly confident'. I think her school gave her a set of valuable internalised assumptions about her capability, choices and post-uni jobs etc - but what I am really hoping is that they have also given her the resilience to cope when these are tested over coming months.

IMHO these schools do provide a strong internalised work ethic but it is parenting that provides the effortless 'sociability'. Lots of their peers had parents who were always entertaining in their home - some in a fairly 'millibandian dinner party' sort of way, whereas in our house, I'm afraid to say, right through school mum and dad were rather more likely to be found watching TV.

It does seem that some of the more expensive girls schools foster anxiety and low self esteem, even as they produce great exam results and superficial coping mechanisms.

Figment - the point about the internalized assumptions about capability and internalized work ethic that schools foster is a good one.

I agree that some girls’ schools (unwittingly) foster low self esteem and reliance on superficial coping mechanisms.

Schools can also foster internalized assumptions of superiority (prejudice) - sex, social class etc. I wonder whether some girls’ schools don’t foster anxiety by setting the career bar very high while reminding girls that it is still very much a man’s world in the workplace and that their life will be a tough fight.

At the girls school I attended the narrative was very much that we were expected to be the captains of industry, CEOs, high achieving Drs or lawyers etc, the idea that we wouldn't be able to do these because we were female wasn't ever a notion that was entertained. There wasn't any mention of the idea of combining work and family life or anything like that - it was about preparing us for high flying careers. When I decided to step off the management track to go freelance I had a lot of baggage about what I felt I 'should' be doing, and that I was somehow failing by not going for a C-suite role

The narrative at my girls school was that the idea that something might be inappropriate because we were female should not be given headspace, that we were capable of being top professionals, that everything we were capable of was within our reach (and that was a lot), that we would rub shoulders with men as equals and that family was extremely important too, and many girls had stay at home mothers who were equally respected as those who worked.

The narrative at girls’ schools is one thing, the narrative in the world beyond education is often quite another. And that second narrative is, IMO, more than ever heard simultaneously with the first.

Old thread but very interesting reading

I wonder if it’s something to do with the way teachers at private schools interact with pupils on a level? They treat them slightly differently than at state school (which can sometimes be about crowd control). The smaller class sizes mean that teaching staff can really get to know the pupils as individuals (as well as their families) and that kind of connection with the adults breeds confidence.

Entitlement and money. There’s no secret.

Genuinely think it is more to do with the general privilege of the people who can afford to go to private schools rather than the schools themselves. Having been to state school and private school the confidence is much more closely correlated to family circumstances. The kids who got into private school purely on the 100% charity scholarships didn't have this confidence whereas the richer kids whose parents chose state school did.

old thread!! But interesting.

I think there's a lot of difference between state schools too in terms of average confidence of the DC.

In a private school you are exposed to adults who are on average more successful than any state educated set of parents. I personally feel that this exposure furnishes a belief and expectation amongst pupils that success is achievable.