to ask how do private schools produce such "confident" kids / adults and how I can do it at home?

[dragontwo]

Ok, I have my reservations about private schools, but I recognise that often they produce kids / adults with high self confidence and self assurance.

I want to know how they do this, how they drill this confidence into them, and how I can replicate any beneficial aspects of this at home into my own kid (state schooled)?

What do they say / do / teach that encourages them to be so confident and expect success?

I know there are down sides to everything but I'm just thinking about good ideas I can help my kid. NB I'm no tiger mother and do my best to encourage my kid as it is already but just looking for ideas and general thoughts on how it's done!!

Just curious!

Gently pushing children (or grown-ups!) outside their comfort zone, and then telling them they've done really well, massively improves self confidence - especially if you do it often and with lots of different things. It means that in future, if faced with something completely outside their comfort zone, they don't freak out - they just accept it as normal and straightforward.

I agree that drama / debating classes/groups are really valuable for boosting confidence (or the appearance of it). And any public-speaking opportunities.

Also, for me, being treated like an adult (which some of my teachers started doing when I was about 14) helped enormously. Ask your children their opinion on things (especially grown-up things e.g. stuff on the news). And encourage debate on it. You can do this with children of any age.

Definitely agree that, despite all the opportunities and encouragement, some children in private schools will remain desperately underconfident. No system is going to instill confidence in everyone. For some that will be personality and for others it will be experiences, both at home and at school.

This, for example:

5. More sheltered from things that damage self confidence. Biggest issue is likely to be not being made a prefect or not making the first sports team NOT seeing/feeling real effects of social deprivation or experiencing/witnessing serious bullying

I would say is not necessarily true at all. In nearly 11 years of private education I have taught:
9 children whose father died (ranging from dropping dead at work to long, drawn out illnesses)
6 children whose mother died (one of whom had no father either and was raised in care from age 6)
4 children in the care system
1 child whose sibling died of a horrific degenerative illness
at least 4 children who had social services involvement due to domestic violence at home
at least 2 children who were physically abused
at least 5 children with a parent with a severe mental illness
1 child who died
4 children whose father was in prison ( 2 on a life sentence)
many children experiencing very messy and acrimonious divorces/splits
many children boarding before they were willing and ready
several children with unexplained problems with low self esteem, anxiety, self harm etc

We have our own school counsellor - we certainly have plenty of children with real problems!
Money doesn't buy an easy life

Dd went to a small non selective private primary school. Opportunity was a big part. If they are in a small class then they all have speaking parts in plays, assemblies etc from reception. They did poetry vanguard and English speaking board exams in juniors, you can enter those as a private candidate. The school often attended events where the children would speak (she went to far more things than friends at other schools again class size helped) All junior age played at least 1 instrument so used to performing likewise they seemed to take part in more competitive sport events. Children were always very well prepared for whatever they did and smartly presented which instilled confidence.

I think smaller classes, public speaking, being encouraged to have high expectations. Opportunities to try lots of different things and test themselves. Unfortunately some turn out to be arrogant tossers who are entitled and look down on others. Others are self reliant, responsible and well rounded. I think parental attitudes are responsible for whether they turn out to be one or the other in part.

Haven’t reat the whole thread yet but wanted to add, I went to a private school and we had regular exams. From primary onwards we’d have them some terms and definitely an end of year exam in each subject.
This meant when it came to GCSEs and A’levels they weren’t that big a deal because we were so used to them. So more confidence in sitting exams and very little exam fear (as far as I know). I was shocked when I found out most schools don’t do this.

O and another shocker, you do not need teacher training to work in a private school. I know four teachers without PGCEs teaching A Level at my last school. I thought this was appalling given the 24 grand fees. If said teacher came from a private school background and had a degree they were 'in'. Imagine the scandal if this happened in a state school? Private schools are laws on to themselves and rely on trust, facilities and grades which are hugely inflated by the sheer amount of one to one help from staff. There many aspects of them I liked, as a teacher: free dinner; excellent trips; lack of discipline; a school librarian but I was always aware of being part of an unfair system designed to keep the elite. We had a few new money students who were treated badly by staff as their dads earned money from labouring or a trade. That's when the real snobbery shone through. One funny case, a dad paid thousands to get his daughter's portfolio up to an unrecognisable standard. She got accepted into a top Art college but was asked to leave after a week. I could write a book, when I retire, of course.

The other main thing I think I benefitted from was the attitude that you were expected to work hard and achieve. There was no assumption of girls jobs vs boys’ jobs. And teachers treating children with respect is obviously essential.

Just to address one issue which is about the qualifications of teachers in private schools

The DCs teachers were very well qualified. Just super well qualified. Rather better qualified than the local state school equivalents. Oxford and Cambridge graduates for the most part. They all had degrees in their subjects and teaching qualifications. Don't get carried away thinking that teachers in private schools have no qualifications - that's nonsense. It's apocryphal.

All private schools are not the same. The vast majority of private schools operate on a not-for-profit basis. That is to say they do not have owners that want to make money out of the school. It is not universal and there are some schools that exist to make money for their owners (you need to avoid these schools). But the vast majority of private schools operate on a not for profit basis to provide a great education for your kids. For sure it costs.

O and another shocker, you do not need teacher training to work in a private school

But private schools don't get those 21 year old Teach First young'uns who've had about 6 weeks of training total before being thrown in at the deep end...

Money. Knowing you will have opportunities others won't. Not having to worry about getting by. You are given more attention. Your individual talents are focused on more. You have hope for a good future and dreams that can be realised. Great support from teachers. You are busy with extra curricular activities ect and busyness is good for kids. You are with others who also have ambitions. O and money!

My school was boarding and it gave me an awareness of learning with other girls from Asia and Africa.

It also gave me the idea that I was fluent in French, German and Latin.

The confidence comes from the parents and their attitude.

One of my DC's friends has no parents to speak of. Clearly he must have had two but one never was in evidence and the other has severe mental health problems - the severity of which means that her DS lives with her grand parents who have no money at all

He was given a full scholarship plus money for clothes and extras

Get away with your stereotypes ...

There is no law for private school teachers to have PGCEs, that is my point, And I have seen it. In my experience the better state school teachers are creamed off by private schools. There is a way out of it, they can take in a graduate and train them on the job, which is a great idea but personally would you be happy with a non trained teacher teaching an A level subject. Most Oxbridge trained teachers do two or three years then leave to work in better paid jobs and being Oxbridge does not make you any better a teacher. I am just pointing out what I witnessed first hand in a private ( very reputable ) school.

It's a point I've heard before but it's one I don't accept
Yes it is not a law that teachers at private schools don't have to have PGCEs. But every single one of my DC's teachers has had one and really good first degrees as well. None of them come from "bad" universities. DS's physics teacher spotted him when he was 11 and has worked with him through to the age of 18 - DS's physics teacher has an oxbridge degree and an oxbridge phd and without that teacher DS would not have got into Cambridge.

It also gave me the idea that I was fluent in French, German and Latin.

Did you discover you were not when you went into the real world?

I learned far more from my DF than I did from my some of my teachers in school, he was extremely bright with a very good degree no teaching qualification, some of my teachers had a degree and a teacher training qualification only. Speaking for myself I am not that bothered about whether they have a PGCE or not, I want bright, committed people able to enspire enthusiasm in their pupils, I am not convinced that a PGCE tells me that much about what I am looking for in a teacher.

Here's a few tips:
As someone said eye contacts is very important. When you speak to you children, make your the eye contact is there.
I would say enrol them in either Taekwondo and Karate - really good at confidence building.
Enrol them in a chess class, especially for boys, chess really helps them in to concentrate in class. Plus it teaches critical thinking - which is lacking in a lot of children.
Start doing a speaking session at home. Get them to write something that they are interested in and have them stand up and read it out and then ask them questions.
At they become more confident they will be able to elaborate and explain themselves. Also ask follow up questions.
This will really help them later on and get rid nerves if and when they have to speak in public.

Many of my family were at private boarding school and vary from pleasantly and confident to pleasant and not very confident. No raging egos, no entitled idiots.

In all honesty, two or three of the most politely assured, confident and articulate children I've met have been home educated, which I suppose is very unlike the private school system.

pallisers well yes actually, apart from the Latin, since I've never met an ancient Roman.

The better private schools (to generalise, I agree with the PP about girls’ private schools churning out young women with high rates of anxiety and low self-esteem) tend to instill two types of confidence.

Confidence in your abilities: you’re taught well, as a cohort you get amongst the best results, there’s lots of support and a huge safety net in terms of academics, the expectation is to achieve well in tertiary education and beyond, the ethos is that you’re representatives of your school (uniform, motto, team sports) and you have to go out into the world and be illustrious and do your alma mater proud etc. When you do get the grades, you believe you can do anything, that the world is your oyster.

Confidence of your place in society: your parentage, the exclusivity, the selective admissions process, the focus on illustrious alumni, the highest quality teaching staff, socialising with People Like Us - all this gives young adults an understanding (not saying it’s not false) of their place in society.

RosemaryHoight

Do you realize the amount of words which stems from Latin

About 80% of the entries in any English dictionary are borrowed, mainly from Latin. Over 60 percent of all English words have Greek or Latin roots.

If you are a poor kid and teenager, you know that society despises the poor simply from watching TV, listening to people and reading. That affects your self confidence.
If your family are very well off or have very high status, you see that people treat your family members as if they are important.
This stuff matters.

I think it's constant challenges. My own children attend a private school having previously attended an outstanding state primary.

The state school was lovely but it didn't have the same opportunities for performance and challenging activities.

They regularly have to speak in public or before older year groups, as well as perform.

They have a LOT of music lessons and this, I think...gives a discipline and level of concentration that they might not otherwise access.