to ask how do private schools produce such "confident" kids / adults and how I can do it at home?

[dragontwo]

Ok, I have my reservations about private schools, but I recognise that often they produce kids / adults with high self confidence and self assurance.

I want to know how they do this, how they drill this confidence into them, and how I can replicate any beneficial aspects of this at home into my own kid (state schooled)?

What do they say / do / teach that encourages them to be so confident and expect success?

I know there are down sides to everything but I'm just thinking about good ideas I can help my kid. NB I'm no tiger mother and do my best to encourage my kid as it is already but just looking for ideas and general thoughts on how it's done!!

Just curious!

Believe in them. Neither of our ours have been to private school. One speaks at events of 200 - 600 people about his bike riding. The other exhibits her art and has RA followers. Both are passionate about their subject and put everything into it. One is 13 the other 16. We let both of them follow what they were interested in and believed they could achieve their ambitions. They can change their minds if they want because they are awesome.

I agree with PeggySchuylar. It's all about learning to be comfortable with being the centre of attention. If you can learn to speak or perform in front of a crowd of many people, from a young age, then it gives you confidence on two fronts: firstly. that you are used to performing and, secondly, that you are in possession of a skill that is worth showing.

When DD joined a new sixth form she was asked to take part in a House event (music or drama or something like that). I think the Captain had asked a few other newbies and they had done the "giggle giggle. What ... me " thing. DD just said "Yeah, sure. Tell me when and where."

1. More likely to have confident parents.

1. More likely to have more high quality interactions with educated adults (at home and school due to small class sizes/extra curricular clubs etc).

1. More likely to be immersed in an atmosphere which rewards academic success and has high expectations. (And I don’t mean to suggest state teachers don’t want these things, simply that the prevailing atmosphere is often not the same because of the size/range of life experiences present in the cohort).

1. More likely to be encouraged to find their ‘niche’ be it drama, debate, rugby or maths. This builds self confidence.

1. More sheltered from things that damage self confidence. Biggest issue is likely to be not being made a prefect or not making the first sports team NOT seeing/feeling real effects of social deprivation or experiencing/witnessing serious bullying.

My daughter went to independent school at 11. She was bright but lacking in confidence and very shy. Now at 15 she is more outgoing and does have much more confidence.
I think the school have achieved this by gently pushing her outside her comfort zone. Eg reading class, then in chapel, then in external situations. Similarly with music....

They are trained constantly to speak in front of others. From a young age.

They are made to believe they are having a superior education. And so believe they are superior.

We re private and yes he is confident: many many opportunities (play, poetry, competitions), very small classes, lots of 121s and support and very positive climate from teachers. There is no BUT, everything is achievable...and if not it's ok! Great school, they taught me more than my kid!

A friend of mine who went to an elite private secondary school told me that students were routinely told in assemblies, etc. that they were 'the best of the best' just by virtue of going to that school. Interestingly that has actually affected him in a negative way as an adult as he feels as though he has under-achieved in comparison with what was expected of him.

You've just described my experience too. I went to a very, very academic school - which was great in lots of ways - and although I enjoyed it, I don't think I will ever shake the feeling that I should be achieving 'more'. I'm confident in some ways but definitely lacking in others.

My children are state-educated and will remain so. I do believe - hope - that having engaged, interested parents who encourage them and support them in activities in and out of school will help to build their confidence and self-esteem.

In private schools its cool to be smart.

In state schools it often the opposite, despite the best efforts of teachers.

In private schools ALL parents are aiming high, for their Dcs as they are paying so are very motivated which helps enormously.

Competitive sports builds confidence, small classes allow no child to hide, no mollycoddling.
Bad behavior not tolerated. High standards of behavior expected and enforced.

There are many more reasons .......

I think all good schools produce confident kids (if the DC has a modicum of confidence - I don't think even the best school could do a great deal, whatever type it was, if the DC was being constantly belittled or ignored by its parents).

I have experienced what LRD is talking about. It does exist.

I am sure that good (or even just reasonably okay) school plus positive, encouraging, well-informed parent always trumps good school without the support and encouragement at home. And I say that as a customer of the independent sector, which I chose for location, certainty and childcare, rather than for the education.

Michael Rosen's book 'Good Ideas' might be helpful and Ken Robinson's famous book You, Your Child and School.

With the privately educated people i’ve met they defo have no fear in voicing an opinion or answer. It’s can be a good or bad thing 😀

I think part of it is that as private schools are fee paying, by definition, the parents are reasonably well off, and therefore presumably have good jobs and work hard. Therefore these children already come from homes where they see the benefits of hard work, and are brought up expecting to do the same.

Of course this will also be the case at state schools, but there will be that minority of kids who have parents that don’t, or who have never worked, and that influence will seep in somehow and possibly impact some of the other kids. Of course it can work the other way round too.

100% due to high expectations and public speaking. Unfortunately, many state schools do not value this. Muttering in class assemblies so that no-one can hear and get bored so stop listening is par for the course. No experience of current affairs and debating the issues. No knowledge of the distinction between colloquial English and standard or written English. No emphasis on self-reliance and self-organisation; taking responsibility for their own learning. The annoying thing is, none of this takes any extra time or money. However, those with the bare minimum of extra time and money end up paying me to fill in the gaps to give their child the best opportunities. It’s all wrong.

I think that this starts before they even enter the school, because the parents pay , the children may have to do an entrance exam or the school sets out their stall by letting the child know that it is a privilege not a right to be accepted by the school and therefore the pupil is expected to fully participate , the tone for learning is set and expected to be adhered to ? Parents of private schools are also expected to meet a code of conduct.eg, uniform compliance, ensuring the children attend events that are planned out of school time, weekend sports activities etc, you only have to read some of the papers (you know who I mean!) every start of the year to see a photo of an arms folded mother , standing next to stroppy child who is wearing the 'wrong shoes, trousers, haircut' bleating about how unfair it is for their child, instead of conforming to the school rules and expecting the same behaviour of the child to see where the differences are? Fee paying schools have a lower tolerancy level for misbehavior, if the child doesn't behave they go, instead of poor teachers struggling to control the class. I think the participation and involvement expected from all fee paying schools really helps the children become confident, just by trying new things helps their development, instead of being seen as a 'melt' by children in state schools who are trying to make their way in life by being cool or not knowing the true value that knowledge can bring to their life. Our local state school is much better since a new head arrived, brought in a smart compulsory uniform for all, and offers brilliant after school extra teaching, plus a full week of maths tuition with highly qualified motivational maths teachers in for free (my daughter hates maths, is poor at at, but loved this, and came home saying she got it!) also teaching sessions in the holidays, these were quite well attended so well worth it

Maybe going slightly against the grain, but I don't think it's necessarily a good thing to have the high self confidence/self assurance that you talk about, or the expectation of success.

I was privately school educated and am an introvert but you're right, the vast majority of those I went to school with had a huge amount of confidence which has carried on into adult life. Many of them were academically very mediocre but have gone on to very good/well paid careers. However, frankly, those that I know are bullshitting tossers who have got where they are by being arrogant and pushy. I wouldn't aspire for my kids to be like them.

The 'expect success' thing is also a difficult area. I know you said you're not a tiger mum, and so this probably isn't relevant to you, but is more of a general remark. The expectation of success in private schools can put a huge amount of pressure on kids to do well. I knew several people who committed suicide in their late teens and 20's. It puts things in perspective. Happiness is more important than our more typical notions of success.

I really hope my kids will grow up into gentle souls who listen rather than shout and I just hope they do whatever makes them happiest.

I went to a state school that was very good at throwing pupils into more challenging situations, expeditions, BSES, DofE, charity work, shows etc. Not everyone took up the opportunities, but those that did tended to 'well' - senior roles, investment bankers etc. Impossible to say whether natural go-getters did the extra curricular activities, or whether the activities developed go-getters.

I don't think it can hurt to encourage pupils to do more extra-curricular activities, particularly those which take students outside their comfort zone. Freezing on a mountain top really is character building.

I volunteer with disadvantaged but very bright teenagers and really notice this lack of confidence. They're frequently reluctant to do simple things like travel on their own, or move to a neighbouring city for uni, and when one realises that they've never done scout camp, DoE, school residential trips etc, choir tours etc, you start to see why. Some have never been away from their own house, apart from the odd sleepover. I give them small challenges and try to build their confidence slowly.

There may well be something in the small class sizes too. A-level classes had 4-8 in a class, so everyone was called on, and I remember thinking how much this had helped me hold my own, when in university tutorials surrounded by almost 100% public school types. Some students from other (less thrusting, according to them) state schools were too scared to speak, and were convinced that all the 'posh' kids were infallibly right even when they were clearly talking bollocks.

wow thank you everyone for the wide and very useful responses. I am writing all the ideas down!!

I hope to not only encourage DS with them but to utilise some myself too! I could do with a bit more confidence!! (And by proxy hopefully this will impact DS in a positive way as well)

Here’s my thoughts got what they are worth...
I went to state school. Being smart was seen as a bad thing and wasn’t cool - same with sports
My 2 kids are both at private school. dH and I work full time to do this and live in a small house and camp for holidays etc to make it work for us.
DS is quiet. He keeps his head down and doesn’t want to be noticed. His teacher spotted this in the first term at primary (small class size of 15 made this possible) and made a point of asking him lots of questions until he got comfortable speaking in class. He still doesn’t like public speaking but he does do it. The school recognised he is great at sports and really push this bit if him. Find what they are good at to build their confidence and they will grow in other areas too is very much the motto.
DD is incredibly confident outwardly but actually it’s all front. School see this too and have suggested drama lessons to bring her confidence on. She really has found her voice this term and it’s been lovely.
Guess what I’m saying, is that the schools have the time to find out their strengths and weaknessess and work out how to address them. They are also taught they everybody has a talent and you can’t be good at everything - a good private school wants to encourage a rounded human being, not an entitled, arrogant one!!
For the record , I would say 70% or parents at the school all work full time to give their kids this opportunity. They really aren’t the entitled few.

Confident parents
Money
Being made to do things like public speaking regularly
Being told you are better than everyone else and being given lots of connections with this
Constantly being around people with all the above

I know quite a few people who went to private school. They go from being very pleasant and normal people to arrogant tossers, but all of them, without exception, have that certain confidence that only private school can give.

Lots of individual support. Small classes. Same form tutor all the way through school. Learn to voice and argue an opinion. Careers advice and support every term. Debating classes - given a topic, but not told whether to argue in favour or against, only find out at the class.

DS6 is near to finishing his second year at a private prep school, he wasn’t a very confident when he first started, but now he is very confident I can see the huge difference in him

Posters above have already given the reasons.

Ds1 reckons a lot of it is just front and bluster. He says you can easily take them apart by putting them under a bit of pressure and a fair number of them aren’t as confident as they appear to be. He’s at uni with mostly people who went to public school, although he went to an ordinary comprehensive.

DD is currently at a 'bog standard comp'
tbh, plenty of the stuff folk are writing here about private schools has been true for DD at the state schools (class sizes < 25, public speaking from early age, lots of representing school in sport, debate, travel, high expectations from school, us=well-educated parents...)

DD is wildly confident bit arrogant and demanding to go to private school for 6th form.
Coz she knows she'll fit in there.

Don't give me any credit. My other DC are completely different personalities.

@anothergreentomato

Totally agree, my nieces, lovely as they are! are a pair of pushy, relatively stupid & over confident in their mediocre abilities, a very expensive boarding school has done little to make them nice kids !

To me, love, support and firm boundaries are what builds genuine confidence.

I think it depends on the individual child, parenting, opportunities provided to be confident, speaking up, drama, lamda, interacting with people in the real world. Fwiw I have a child in state and a child in private. The child is state is far more confident.