Why are women dependent on benefits viewed as lesser than those dependent on men?

[Miladamermalada]

Just that really.
Women, usually single parents are viewed as total scum when they rely on benefits to live.
Women who are funded by their husbands are seen as morally superior.
Both women are dependent on an outside source-why is their value decided by what source of income they have?
Most families receive tax credits which are also a benefit. So many of the UK parent population are dependent on public money.
Thinking specifically of the Radford situation and the recent thread on their proposed receipt of tax credits (this may not be true but was suggested by a poster.)
Sue is seen as a wholesome mother with a wonderful family and good marriage.
If she were not married she'd be a breeding scrounger.
In both situations she'd be doing the same job-raising children and doing the wifework
AIBU to be pissed off at this disparity?

OP, just being a mother will bring you judgement. I’m married and I work full time. I also have 4DC and only planned 3 of them. Despite nearly dying because I continued to have the depo shot throughout my pregnancy which thickened the lining of my womb and gave me an adherent placenta giving me serious complications after delivery, I have had the following;

Why bother to have kids if you are just going to stick it in a nursery all day?

Of COURSE it was an ‘accident’ (people who say contraception failed are usually lying)

The world is over populated, it’s selfish to have so many children.

For gods sake sort your contraception out (because taking the depo shot when already only having one Fallopian tube is so feckless )

If I hadn’t gone back to work I would have been criticised too.

All of these comments have been made by other women. Lots of those comments have been made on here.

How many comments do you think my husband got? Well none of the above, only congratulations and back pats.

The point I’m trying to make is women are judged harshly for everything and especially once they have children. Sadly, I think it’s mainly by other women. My advice would be to stay off the internet, particularly AIBU when you are fragile. I got lots of suppprt here when I found out I was pregnant at 20 weeks but it can also be a hot bed of judgement, irrespective of whether you are single, married, working, not working, have one kid or ten. Just hold your head up and do what you feel is best for your child and take a break from other opinions when you are feeling low

Because people are ignorant!

Wife is relying on the family unit to pay the bills etc the other is trying on the state

Often the single mum becomes singe through divorce etc and it's possibly out of their control/circumstances etc which is very different to somebody having children and from the get-go expecting the public purse to fund their baby making/lack of prevention skills / ineptitude

Two very different situations and I'm sure there are grey areas in between

Im a single mum of two reliant on benefitd. Wasnt planned that way but life is what it is.

I'm a sahp. Me and dh rely on each other for different things. If I wasn't here he'd need childcare etc.

That little word responsibility, we don't like it but we are going to have to start taking some. The social support system is a luxury that we have , it is not a human right. If you are solely reliant on the state to completely support you then you need to look at your life and see what you can do about that because being completely reliant on anything leaves you very vulnerable should the situation change. i think the initial question is a bit short sighted, surely the answer is obvious, why should other people pay for you to bring up your children. It is there as a safety net for the times when people need it, not as a lifestyle choice. You may have noticed that there are plenty of countries that don't have any kind of social support, people still have children, they still raise them to a good standard and people have to take responsibility because there is no other option.

The only difference in what the women are doing boils down to providing sexual services to a man.

What happens if the woman likes/wants sex and doesn't see it as a chore to be done? What if the man has the libido of a damp dishcloth?

I don't look down on women (or men) raising a child on benefits when the circumstances were unavoidable or they are working and need further support.
However if someone did choose to have a child and rely fully benefits then I would see that as 'lesser' than a couple who had one person earning - because they are a self supporting unit making their own choices, vs relying on the rest of us to pay for them via already-limited public funds.

The only difference in what the women are doing boils down to providing sexual services to a man

See, told you us SAHM’s get called prostitutes!

Because I have to pay for the person on benefits, and let's face it some (not all) are proudly workshy - which taints the perception of those that aren't. If I have to work and raise children why should they get the luxury of my taxes supporting them being 'full time mummy', why shouldn't they contribute like everyone else. That is a very simplistic view but one of the fundamental reasons behind your question. A family deciding that one person stays at home are still contributing to the social purse rather than draining it

Personally I don’t see why anyone would decide to have kids, without being reasonably financially secure. I would never ever have contemplated having kids, until I had completed my education, got some qualifications and established a career. I had my own home and worked 80 hour weeks at times, often weekends too. My 20s were a time of hard graft. While some people I knew couldn’t be bothered doing all that. I married at 30, someone reasonably like me, as in self sufficient, ambitious etc..and we decided to settle down and have kids. I know it doesn’t always work like that, but when I see women with no prospects or ambition, getting pregnant with men who can’t support themselves, let alone support any one else. It really does make my blood boil.

Should their children spend long hours in wraparound childcare or with a low-paid au pair, for example, so their mother can work for a pittance and be able to say ‘i’m not on benefits’? Should preschoolers miss their mother, primary age children lack someone to help with homework etc, and a mother Work herself to point of utter exhaustion just so that she is totally self sufficient and not accepting any ‘help’ from the state?

But by this token why should the children of all the working people be penalised? Let's all give up work 'for the children' and see what happens...

You used the term “total scum” to refer to other people, OP. You should have made have disassociated yourself from it.

Because people love to be smug and virtuous, and a single mother who isn't working is an easy and visible target to reinforce their superiority.

More kindly, living standards are under pressure and it can seem frustrating when you are rushed and stressed about money to see someone supposedly having an easy ride. It's classic misdirection, though, single mothers are not the cause of our economic troubles. Almost half of all benefits spend is for older people, and I never see anyone calling them scum. Not that I am either - I fully support a state benefits system.

The reality is over half of households in the UK receive more in benefits than they pay in tax, so I imagine a significant number of people giving shit to single mothers are themselves a "drain on society".

Madsiemoomoo, children of two working parents have two parents at home to help pick up the slack. Single parents have to do it all. FWIW I am a single working parent. But it’s bloody difficult. And sometimes I do feel my dc suffer a bit, from lack of time, attention, and just how knackered I am. I snap at my oldest sometimes because i’m so tired because the toddler didn’t sleep, or I realise I haven’t checked the bloody book bag because I have a work deadline...

I know that being a working parent is difficult, even if you are in a relationship. And that a lot of working mums, even those in a relationship, probably still do more than their fair share. But honestly, it doesn’t feel worth the battle sometimes. I just wanted to raise the point that all anyone above is discussing is the parents point of view, not the children. I often think my children were better off when I was a married sahm. It pains me to say it but it’s true. I have a single parent friend (who fled dv) who is currently choosing to sah and I totally respect her choice bc she and the kids have been through enough without her flogging her guts out at Tesco just to avoid the judgement of strangers.

I’m much luckier than her, I had a career I could return to and my ex pays CM too - it’s just that he had an affair while I was pg and left me for an OW when Lo was a baby. However I am working despite depression, anxiety, heartbreak, and sometimes feel my dc aren’t getting the best of me... all bc of decisions I DID NOT MAKE.

Just stop judging single mums, we are all doing our best believe it or not.

I had completed my education, got some qualifications and established a career. I had my own home

Women like this are likely to attract a man with similar values. It's then easier to overcome problems when you have some money and an education and can work together.

I think it’s because people see the family as a unit

So single parent....households, can't also be a family unit? Seriously? Are you suggesting that family can only be family if it is a nuclear family?

You can argue the single parent on benefits is contributing in return by raising children but with the world population ever increasing, it’s not like we’re desperate for as many new babies as possible

Given that statistically a) a single parent is more likely than not to have been married or in a long term relationship with her children's father and b) is more than likely not receiving any maintenance from her children's father, what do you suggest?

Again, statistically, single parents are way more likely to be in work than not. For the majority of single parents, being on benefits is a short term thing - usually at the point their relationship has broken down to the point they are able to get things sorted.

Women like this are likely to attract a man with similar values. It's then easier to overcome problems when you have some money and an education and can work together

'women like this'......jesus wept. Them and us. Single parents and the rest.

For what it's worth, I didn't marry till I was 30, had known my ex 6 years at the point we had our first child. I had a Masters, had travelled the world, earned my own money and could speak 3 languages. None of that stopped him shagging his book keeper, did it?!

When i decided to have a child we were financially stable and secure, what i didnt count on was during pregnancy him turning into a violent thug. 3.5 yesrs later and another child in the middle (lets not get into conversation about how number 2 happened) i left.

I had a job that wouldnt allow me to stop doing one 5am start a week and one weekend in three, when you dont have childcare out of nursery opening times you are stuffed.

It also happens my daughter has autism/health issues and my son has a shitty pair of lungs so even now she gets 3 year funding and her dla also helps me put him in one day a week childcare, we havent had a full week with both of them in fully because of health.

Im not proud to be on benefits but i also wont be ashamed of it. I have nearly finished my degree and i have started volunteerinv and when they both reach school age im hoping to train as a social worker. So its not a long term plan.

However unless you have had life throw you multiple shit hands you have no idea just how many obstacles are in the way for single mums. My sanity is at breaking point i would literally give a limb for adult company at work.

There are so many variables that the "i managed it so everyone can" view sucks

People who are dependent on partners are presumed to bring something to the relationship. They're not getting something for nothing.

This

Im also a member of a single parent support group and if people think life on benefits is rosy, regardless of how you got there, are very very much mistaken

Because a self-supporting family that have planned their family carefully according to available finances is very different to a single parent who decides to have children with no financial security and therefore automatically has to depend on the state for handouts from the start

Because single parents all set out to be single parents, didn't they?

What is wrong with people?

I agree LifebeginsatGin, and situations of people like PenelopeChipshop, are worlds apart from the women who embark on motherhood with little prior aspiration and no forethought as to how they will support their family, should or should not they stay together as a couple. A lot of these women simply don’t understand the concept of taking full responsibility for what they create. And it’s certainly not ‘smug’ for some people to feel a little peeved by that. Genuine hardships & bad luck aside. Why should the people who have worked harder, tried harder, spent less hours in bed....pay towards those who don’t, to stay at home with their often, ‘accidental’ kids. Harsh maybe, but often true!

Both women are dependent on an outside source

What a load of tosh. A family where they decide, as a couple, that one works and the other stays at home with the kids isn't an "outside source". They are a couple. A unit.

Most families receive tax credits

Statistics to back this up? Maybe back in the day, not now. Lots of families get nothing. Not even child benefit.

I don't agree in any way, shape or form with having 21 children. But your goady attempt at a bit of not to subtle SAHM bashing isn't going to work.

Most families receive tax credits which are also a benefit

Um, what? No they don't.