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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Exhausted by elderly parents

126 replies

LovelyBath77 · 11/06/2018 07:59

They live apart as divorced but still in touch so I get all that as well. But now they seem to be leaning on me a lot more, but not in a good way.

For example my dad texts me about how he still loves 'your mother' as he always puts it, and sends me letters about how it is easier for me to go visit him as it is 'just 60 steps down the stairs for you and thousands of miles in the car" ! (it is the other end of the UK...)

They don't seem to think that I have my own family and young children, or that my husband has been ill etc, it is all about them. They are not that old either but they think they are, and are going on about it. They are pretty independent really (early 70s)

My mum has had depression in the past and was pretty difficult growing up (blamed for stuff, never ' good enough', had odd ideas and made up stuff about me) - and that is continuing also so have had therapy and gone NC in recent years. I have been advised 'you are not responsible for her illness' but SIL has mentioned she feels I need to step up more and be more responsible.

I'm feeling really trapped. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 14/06/2018 08:32

It was funny when he got the sheltered housing at 55 in my area- in a horrible kind of way! Let me tell you what happened.

he turned up with nothing, just his clothes and I had to get him things like a toothbrush and a flannel. then the man showing us round was speaking like he was really Elderly, like "Mr...(name) here is your room, then to me "It's sometime sitter to get them in early as when they are older it is harder for them to change". Like I was in charge!

He also gets to go 'on holiday' to other sheltered housing! I'm not sure how he has arranged this, but it seems the place he stays at has other places with spare accommodation for visitors, and if you pay a little but per night he can use it. And as they get the free bus pass in retirement he can use that as well of course.

But, oh, no it would be 'much easier' for to travel across the country to see him...(despite children in school, health condition and husband and work etc)- we're trying to pay the mortgage and all the usual things. but that is not understood as they never had that kind of thing to deal with.

It does make me angry and I know my husband too, who is working hard for the family.

OP posts:
Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 14/06/2018 08:34

Oh, yes I forgot the time the police came here first thing in the morning when on way out with children to school. Two of them. He couldn't be found and there was 'no sign of life' in his flat. All very serious. Turns out he had gone off without telling them he was off for a few weeks and the Scottish police had informed our local police who had come to me.

I did ask if they had tried his mobile phone and no-one had. What a stress and drama.

OP posts:
Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 14/06/2018 08:36

"Sheltered housing could suit you if you want to live independently but need a bit more support, or if you want to live in a smaller and easier-to-manage home.

It is usually only available to those aged 55 and over.

Some common features of sheltered housing include:

help from a scheme manager (warden), or support staff
24-hour emergency help through an alarm system
communal areas, such as gardens or lounges
social activities for residents."

www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/housing-options/sheltered-housing/

OP posts:
Jammycustard · 14/06/2018 08:47

Do you like your father OP? Do you want to see him?

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 14/06/2018 08:55

Well, he can be quite entertaining. But it is starting to grate on me the whole 'woe is me' and treating me like a wife! Last time I went, he had set the table but no food in, was waiting for me to cook! After travelling across the country.

So I am becoming increasingly exasperated and no, not really.

OP posts:
Jammycustard · 14/06/2018 09:43

I feel the same about my dad. He left my mum about 3 years ago after 40 years. Since then I’ve felt the weight of responsibility increase tenfold, but I don’t live close to him and I have three children under 5. I ve no desire to replace my mother in his life, I’m almost a bit annoyed that he left her (she’s fine), and is now lonely but won’t really make an effort to get out and see his other family unless one of his children accompanies him. It’s frustrating.

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 14/06/2018 10:17

It's a bit like another child, isn't it Jammy. I only have enough for my own children just now!

Mine had an affair when I was around 14, so mum kicked him out. And he's been playing the 'poor me' but I still love her, thing ever since.

OP posts:
Jammycustard · 14/06/2018 10:56

Very much like another child.
The thing is, I’ve put some boundaries in; he visits but I have him dates (when my husband and sister is around) and I try and keep the conversation off certain subjects, but then I feel guilty. It’s an emotional rock and hard place.

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 14/06/2018 11:34

Have you read anything online about ACODs? Adult children of divorce. might be helpful. I know what you mean, it gives you a bit of control. Mine gets the neighbours to let him in though. Luckily he is far away enough for that to only happen rarely!

I wondered if they found someone else that might help. men sometimes seem to find it hard to cope alone after divorce, women less so (from what I have read).

OP posts:
Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 14/06/2018 11:36

I try not to feel guilty- they chose to have an affair (mine) or to leave (yours) so there we go. They kind of made their bed! Might be different if the mums had left or had affairs, perhaps! Then might feel a bit more sorry for them.

Anyway, shouldn't be up to us to sort their marital aftermath..

OP posts:
Jammycustard · 14/06/2018 12:00

I haven’t read about that, no. Sounds interesting. I wasn’t upset initially when my parents divorced, but as time has gone on and I can see how my siblings and I might bear the brunt of my father, I feel worried. He’s got some ongoing health problems too.
I actually would love my dad to find a partner, from a purely selfish perspective!

LighthouseSouth · 14/06/2018 12:02

just in case it's useful

I had a mega rant on this thread!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents/3240378-Probably-going-down-in-flames

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 14/06/2018 16:42

I'll have a look!

Yes it seems adult children of divorce often get leaned on..

Just had another thought, bet I will have to pay out thousands in funeral costs when the time comes. When my Granny died (dads mum) he asked me to contribute, and I was only 18 at the time, paying for uni and with a part time job. I would never ask my teen DCs to pay towards my parents funerals..

but anyway, funeral costs are really high aren't they, there's no way I can afford that, wonder what will happen there.

OP posts:
Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 14/06/2018 16:46

Thanks Lighthouse, it is. My brother says he will be 'devastated' when they die, not sure why though, Maybe he is closer than me. Or maybe he feels he has to say that...not sure. But it does help to know I am not the only one who feels this way.

OP posts:
namechanged77 · 14/06/2018 16:54

@LovelyBath77 I haven't read the whole thread - but I've seen enough of the 'they brought you into the world, be grateful' posts to make me rage on your behalf!!!

Not all parents are good parents. People don't get a pass to behave how the hell they like just because they're your mum or dad.

I speak from experience!! I decided it was down to me to ensure my parent was looked after - but it wasn't my job to actually DO everything.

My advice is - decide what you want your level of actual involvement to be. Maybe care services could help for example? But don't, please, feel guilty.

LighthouseSouth · 14/06/2018 18:15

I bet your brother feels he has to say that.

Re the funeral costs, I would raise it with them. Sorry if I missed it, but can they pay into a plan?

if not then I would honestly say do the most basic funeral you can do. It's bad enough having to deal with this without getting into debt to pay for canapes!!

Fflamingo · 15/06/2018 09:00

Learned helplessness is a phrase that comes up regularly regarding older men in our family, I have no truck with it now.

user1499173618 · 15/06/2018 09:04

Sometimes you have to have sharp words with elderly parents. My mother kept wanting to “downsize” to properties that were totally unsuitable for the elderly and infirm amd I had to have a real go at her in several occasions to explain why she wasn’t thinking through the implications for her daughters of trying to live rurally with stairs in old age.

LighthouseSouth · 15/06/2018 10:38

Fflamingo - yes, my friend had exactly the same. Her mother not only ended up downsizing to a place that didn't have a downstairs bathroom but put massive pressure on my friend to organise one being installed.

I think sometimes there's an attention seeking factor and I am now cutting that off completely.

Lottapianos · 15/06/2018 11:09

'I think sometimes there's an attention seeking factor and I am now cutting that off completely.'

I think this with my MIL. She has a load of unpleasant health problems from her totally unmanaged diabetes. Her mobility is getting worse all the time. She moans and complains about how awful it is, and I'm not entirely without sympathy, but she does absolutely nothing to help herself, not even making GP appointments. Her diet is horrendous and she never checks her blood sugar. I do wonder how much of it is controlling and manipulating people by having everyone worrying about her. It's sad and infuriating at the same time

user1499173618 · 15/06/2018 11:18

TBH, my own parents did make quite significant changes to their lifestyle in order to manage their health and declining independence, but the huge leap of imagination required to embrace the magnitude of the changes they really needed to make was beyond them. Hence me scolding them! Which they then criticized as “overbearing”...

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 15/06/2018 16:14

YY to the attention seeking thing. On my birthday (FFS) they sent me cards -

Mums: about her athritis and how painful it was and would I come see her

Dads: about this man next door who has died in the night and all the details of that Confused

I am not opening any other birthday cards I've decided. Happy Birthday, hmm.

OP posts:
LighthouseSouth · 15/06/2018 18:59

OP that's terrible
Any thoughts on what you'll do now?

I'm going to assume today is not your birthday and wish you this instead

m.youtube.com/watch?v=iL2Wm-PcfPo

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 15/06/2018 19:39

This sounds terrible too, but am finding this thread quite cathartic.

I find it really hard that my husband has parents who saved, who have home they own and he can go stay with and also will inherit from after they have gone

It would have been so nice to have had a place to go and stay with two parents when the children were small and had some support. Been able to even leave them with the children without worrying what madness they would get up to.

And the way they just sit there, for years and years having everything paid for while we scrimp and save at the mortgage- at least we will have that security for my children I suppose

I am so determined everything will be different for them

OP posts:
LighthouseSouth · 15/06/2018 21:34

Oh it's good to rant
I actually haven't spoken to my folks for two days. It's a relief.

I was worried, in the past, that ranting would make me more annoyed with them but I can't stuff it down any more!

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