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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Exhausted by elderly parents

126 replies

LovelyBath77 · 11/06/2018 07:59

They live apart as divorced but still in touch so I get all that as well. But now they seem to be leaning on me a lot more, but not in a good way.

For example my dad texts me about how he still loves 'your mother' as he always puts it, and sends me letters about how it is easier for me to go visit him as it is 'just 60 steps down the stairs for you and thousands of miles in the car" ! (it is the other end of the UK...)

They don't seem to think that I have my own family and young children, or that my husband has been ill etc, it is all about them. They are not that old either but they think they are, and are going on about it. They are pretty independent really (early 70s)

My mum has had depression in the past and was pretty difficult growing up (blamed for stuff, never ' good enough', had odd ideas and made up stuff about me) - and that is continuing also so have had therapy and gone NC in recent years. I have been advised 'you are not responsible for her illness' but SIL has mentioned she feels I need to step up more and be more responsible.

I'm feeling really trapped. AIBU?

OP posts:
CrumbsInBed · 12/06/2018 10:36

I know @Zaphod. What a thought.

No, I didnt ask as I was in total shock. I stood there with my mouth opening and closing like a goldfish, that’s what dh said anyway.

I had to ask dh the next morning if they really did say that, or was I imagining things. I must admit, I’d had a glass or 2 of beer when they told me. That poor girl.

itstimeforanamechange · 12/06/2018 10:49

They raised you and you depended on them when you was little

It's rather different choosing to have a child and looking after them when they are small (always getting more independent) while they are very portable.

It's a very different situation to looking after fully grown elderly parents who can only deteriorate.

You pay it forward. Your parents looked after you (hopefully), you look after yours, they look after theirs.

A lot of elderly people are only in an awkward situation because they don't preplan, eg they don't downsize, consider LPAs, simplify their affairs while they still have plenty of capacity and energy. Some people have accidents or illnesses that come on suddenly but for the majority, old age isn't something that happens suddenly so they should plan for it.

And early 70s isn't old. Early 90s is old.

itstimeforanamechange · 12/06/2018 10:50

(with apologies to the fit 90 somethings who are still swimming/running/doing their own shopping/travelling the world)

Missingstreetlife · 12/06/2018 10:51

Decide what level of support you want to give on a regular basis and stick to it. You have the option to increase only if needed or you want to, but keep that to yourself. They can come to you if you want it.
So visit ?x per year, Skype/phone ?x per month. Birthday cards? Text?j
Easy for sil she's on the spot, keep in touch with your bro so you get news but cool it massively. Always say at the end of contact, I'll ring you on certain day or see you in so many weeks. Good luck

sociopathsunited · 12/06/2018 10:51

Can I suggest the website, Carersuk.org?

There's a forum there just for carers, which covers everything from the practical stuff, all the way to dealing with family attitudes and the mental and physical toll that caring (whether it's for elderly or young people) takes on the carer.

It takes a toll. I was a carer for elderly parents for over a decade, and whilst I loved them both, it took a massive amount out of me. I considered suicide many times. When Mum died last winter, I collapsed, physically and mentally. It's taken 18 months but I'm starting to recover now.

The most important thing I can pass on is that you HAVE to take care of yourself first. If you aren't looking after yourself, then you will not be able to help anyone else. Your life is as important as anyone elses, in fact, I'd argue that it is MORE important if you have people dependent on you. And you do - your kids.

Oh and tell your SIL to do one with the food processor. I've no time for being lectured by those who do eff all. I had a similar situation with two sisters, and it has affected our relationship deeply. One I am still speaking to, just, but the other could get eaten by a lion and I'd only feel sorry for the indigestion the lion would inevitably suffer.
xx

adaline · 12/06/2018 10:57

Remember who brought you into this world. Remember who you depended on year after year growing up and the sacrifices they made for you. Without them, there would be no you.

I can't stand this attitude. OP didn't choose to be born, did she? Her parents made a decision to have a child - that was entirely their choice. They have no right to expect that child to care for them in their old age.

OP has her own family and young children to look after - young children who are dependent on her and need her help, because, you know, she's their parent and chose to bring them into this world and therefore needs to prioritise them!

Do you expect your children to prioritise you over their own young families when you get older? I bloody hope not.

sociopathsunited · 12/06/2018 11:19

oops I appear to have got the wrong end of the stick with SIL, apologies OP. I thought you were the one on the doorstep, so to speak, and she was further away.

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 12/06/2018 15:04

That's OK. SIL doesn't do any care for them, she has her own mother who moved nearby and seems to help with childcare etc. She has tried getting my mum to I think but don't think that worked out. (not surprisingly)

Yes, I know there are places as i found out online, there are these voluntary places where they will go round and take them shopping and to appointments and the like. and he is in sheltered housing already (had been since 55!) with a warden etc, to help. There are things set up if you know about it. They even have some kind of support thing where they go round see them if they go into hospital. Maybe more as in Scotland, they sometimes seem a bit better resourced. Less people perhaps.

OP posts:
Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 12/06/2018 15:05

No, I would never ask my children to support me like this, would try to be there to support them. That is how I see my role. I already have a health condition, but they don't know about it and would get care elsewhere if needed.

OP posts:
Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 12/06/2018 15:06

Yes, I have had the messages about having no food but a sandwich! I remember that day as was in hospital for an op. I replied that is nice what kind did you have?

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 12/06/2018 21:07

Sheltered accommodation at 55!!!!!

At 55 I had a 13 year old to look after.

Friend was still doing the school run to primary school at that age.

Oliversmumsarmy · 12/06/2018 21:12

*adaline

Remember who brought you into this world*

And who wanted to kill me by crushing sleeping tablets into my food.

Remember who you depended on year after year growing up and the sacrifices they made for you

Yes the people when I was put into care when DM was in a padded cell.

Without them, there would be no you

But if I had lived with DM any longer there would have been no me.

Remember not everyone has had a similar life to you

Oliversmumsarmy · 12/06/2018 21:13

Sorry copy and pasted Adeline in error

JennieLee · 13/06/2018 08:01

I've been thinking a lot about what I owe my mother who is now getting quite frail. She is in her early nineties.

I was very much the family victim - of emotional and physical abuse. My father - now dead - was worse than my mother, but my mother enable it. My brothers don't really want to acknowledge what happened. Also neither of them have children so they can't really see what good parenting is. (It is not what we received.)

Fortunately she lives in owner occupied accommodation for the elderly and is not badly off. She socialises with neighbours in her flats. She was a lot more kind and loving to my brothers than she was to me. So my brother and his wife live near her. My younger brother visits regularly.

I suppose my sense is that I do have a duty to seeing that if she has serious health problems and that her needs for care/treatment are not being met, then I would have to get involved. I don't want her to suffer - in the same way that I would not want an animal to suffer. (Even though I was made to suffer.)

But that's as far as it goes.

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 13/06/2018 09:14

I like this article on this topic

A child should not be expected to be her mother's best friend, savior, mirror, therapist or sole reason for living.

It's a mother's responsibility, as an adult, to get the support she needs from other adults including communities, therapists, spouses, partners, institutions, etc.

A mother's well-being is not a child's responsibility.

womboflight.com/you-dont-owe-your-mother-for-your-life

OP posts:
Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 13/06/2018 09:16

Yes I have no idea how he got the sheltered accommodation at 55 with no health problems either. Would have thought would be others who needed it more. Strange really.

OP posts:
Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 13/06/2018 09:17

Mind you saw a leaflet in the chemists recently with activities for the over 55s, seat exercises for example! It seems to be some kind of cut off for stuff like that. Odd really.

OP posts:
Gatecrasher61 · 13/06/2018 09:24

I did a lot for my parents. Especially for my Mum after my Dad died. Yes I moaned as it felt like my own social life was on hold, but now they are both gone, I would dearly love to put the clock back so I could spend more time with them.

Whatever you do for your parents, it will never seem like enough once they are gone. :(

Lottapianos · 13/06/2018 11:18

'Whatever you do for your parents, it will never seem like enough once they are gone'

Yet again, not everyone has that relationship with their parents. Some people are honestly deeply relieved when their parents are no longer around.

adaline · 13/06/2018 11:33

Whatever you do for your parents, it will never seem like enough once they are gone.

No, that's true in your case, but not everyone else's. I have a great relationship with my parents, but not everyone is so fortunate.

Fluffycloudland77 · 13/06/2018 11:57

I’m nc with my parents, my dad also has two other children who are nc with him. I don’t think any of us will be providing care when they are too old to do so.

I do think the sil wants op to step up so she doesn’t have too. My Dh is 53, the idea of him needing sheltered care in two years is quite shocking. He’d be the only one there wearing CP and Stone Island 😀

JennieLee · 13/06/2018 13:08

My husband is 69 and his 97 year old father is still alive. We've been very busy sorting out care for the older generation....

JennieLee · 13/06/2018 13:09

Oh and I felt an enormous sense of relief when my father died. What I did for him was too much/more than he deserved.

Oliversmumsarmy · 13/06/2018 13:42

I would be mortified if someone had offered sheltered accommodation to me at 55.

Dmil is 96 and lives in her own flat and goes out every night to play bridge or with her man friend or friends
The only thing that she doesn't do now is drive and her shopping. Ocado she has found is a great discovery

SuperSuperSuper · 13/06/2018 18:29

55 is stupidly young for housing aimed at "the elderly". The age limit should be in line with the state pension (and most of them won't need it yet!)

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