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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Exhausted by elderly parents

126 replies

LovelyBath77 · 11/06/2018 07:59

They live apart as divorced but still in touch so I get all that as well. But now they seem to be leaning on me a lot more, but not in a good way.

For example my dad texts me about how he still loves 'your mother' as he always puts it, and sends me letters about how it is easier for me to go visit him as it is 'just 60 steps down the stairs for you and thousands of miles in the car" ! (it is the other end of the UK...)

They don't seem to think that I have my own family and young children, or that my husband has been ill etc, it is all about them. They are not that old either but they think they are, and are going on about it. They are pretty independent really (early 70s)

My mum has had depression in the past and was pretty difficult growing up (blamed for stuff, never ' good enough', had odd ideas and made up stuff about me) - and that is continuing also so have had therapy and gone NC in recent years. I have been advised 'you are not responsible for her illness' but SIL has mentioned she feels I need to step up more and be more responsible.

I'm feeling really trapped. AIBU?

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 11/06/2018 09:37

As a person who has both parents and in laws who are considerably older than your parents I have to advise boundaries. In this case look at what you father needs from you and to what extent you can provide it.

So contact, he wants, for example, daily calls, you decide twice weekly and stick to that. Visits, you can manage twice a year, he can choose to visit you or not.

If he is upsetting you with his conversation, tell him. If he won’t listen cut the calls short or learn to zone out.

It’s bloody hard and you may have a long time to go with this. Unfortunately amongst my peers this is now a constant subject of conversation as we all navigate the difficulties of parents in extreme old age and poor health. We want to do the best we can but cannot be all they want.

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 11/06/2018 09:47

I agree about the boundaries and the 'grey rock' as it is known. Dad has tried putting mum on the phone to me and stuff like that so I do have boundaries with that. As with all things in life, I guess we can't control stuff that happens to us, but we can control how we deal with it or what to do about it.

I have discovered a good site called Out of the FOG which is helpful. Lots of good advice there too.

OP posts:
louharrisismyhero · 11/06/2018 11:39

Some of the responses here range from the completely mental (why would an OP who is already overburdened want to start sharing holiday accommodation? Or moving them closer?) to the downright mentally unhealthy (perpetuating the idea that we owe poor parenting a duty of care, no encouraging of what sound like fit and able bodied adults to lead independent lives once older, "you'll be sorry when they're gone" guilt tripping).

Unbelievable!

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 11/06/2018 11:43

Some réponses are a bit like that but on the whole I have found to helpful. Maybe it is difficult to understand unless you have been there, for some.

OP posts:
Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 11/06/2018 11:44

And to be honest have had worse in RL. In particular the 'they might not be around for long' one. (yes, what a relief)

OP posts:
Weezol · 11/06/2018 11:59

I suggest you have a look at the 'Stately Homes' thread. Posters there often had outwardly normal families who were actually emotionally abusive behind closed doors. 'But we were wonderful parents, we took you to stately homes and paid for your horse riding lessons' types.

It's really hard for people who grew up within a normal family to understand how damaging a truly dysfunctional upbringing is.

Stay NC with your mother and put some firm boundaries in place with you father. "No, not today/this week/ever".

Could you tell SIL that since you deal with your father without expecting her and your brother to come down, it would be nice if they extended you the same courtesy?

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 11/06/2018 12:41

Weevil that might be helpful, I will. Especially as have had SIL making me doubt myself, saying things like 'well, they weren't actually abusive were they' for example. Hmm.

OP posts:
Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 11/06/2018 12:42

and that is a good idea.

OP posts:
Weezol · 11/06/2018 12:52

A futher thought occurs - it's entirely possible that your brother has married a woman with a similar personality traits to your mother. It's not uncommon for this to happen, we seek security in that which we understand, even if it's negative.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 11/06/2018 13:07

I'd tell sil to fuck off mind her own bloody business - not her parents, not her relationship to manage!
If your brother has something to say about your shared parents, then I'f be willing to discuss them with him, not his wife. What she chooses to do wrt them is up to her, but she doesn't get to rope you in just because she doesn't understand the dynamic.

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 11/06/2018 13:14

I wonder that too about SIL. She is quite controlling of him I noticed, dominant. Just an odd feeling. Maybe he does tolerate it cos of my mum. I notice this new thing with him, he replies to me with 'we' - it is always 'we think' like he doesn't have a mind of his own. Or maybe it's normal. Not sure. But odd though.

OP posts:
Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 11/06/2018 13:15

Also, my mum tried to get SIL involved when I went NC. SIL said she had seen texts on her phone and stuff, which was weird. Think need to just speak to my brother in future.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 11/06/2018 13:22

You will regret it when they are no longer here and your children will do the same for you one day x

It really bugs me when people say this.

Not everyone will regret it when they're gone and some parents deserve to reap what they have sown with their kids.

Tell your SIL to fuck off OP.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 11/06/2018 13:23

I'd rip the piss out my brother if he started talking with the royal 'we'. You need to shut that down because if sil is quite a strong personality and your brother is weak, she is one more person (with no true comprehension of your childhood) that your parents are utilising to bully you into submission.

Love51 · 11/06/2018 13:25

Regarding your childhood, it is perfectly possible that you and your brother had very different childhoods under the same roof. SIL might make a link that if his upbringing wasn't abusive, neither was yours. You aren't obliged to disabuse her of this notion if you don't want to.

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 11/06/2018 14:57

I think I will just avoid SIL for know and speak with brother if necessary. Unless he does the we thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 11/06/2018 15:06

What is it with these women? I have just realised SIL talks through my brother just the same way my mum does through my dad! Why do they put up with it? Have they no mind of their own? It is mad!

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 11/06/2018 16:53

Lovely, it's such a manipulative thing, isn't it?! Clever in an odd way - if you can get the other person to speak for you, then they will be the one to face the rejection, judgement and blame if it all goes wrong. And you get the satisfaction of feeling powerful without any of the risk. My mother does the same. I'm very low contact with her these days

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 11/06/2018 18:07

It's so strange! I can't imagine ever doing that with my husband and our children. He wouldn't, anyway. Thankfully. I also don't feel my children owe it to me to look after and support me as I get older. No matter how good a parent I am to them. Especially not if they are looking after their own children. Adults can look after themselves- and get external support if needed.

OP posts:
Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 11/06/2018 18:13

Mum has started texting me. Must have given up on dad, who has sent various letters, cards and texts over the last few weeks on variations of things such as death, his sore toe and how easy it is for me to visit him, etc. All just over off-putting and stressful. So now it is her turn. It feels constant, from one to the other. Sounds dreadful but I imagine little fluffy clouds with them floating off on them, sometimes. I know I need to try and block it or change my phone but it doesn't seem to work.

The in laws at the weekend said they had had letters too and weren't sure whether to respond or not.

OP posts:
NotMyFinestMoment · 11/06/2018 18:25

Remember who brought you into this world. Remember who you depended on year after year growing up and the sacrifices they made for you. Without them, there would be no you.

If you have family, you should pull your weight and not make their care everybody else's responsibility other than yours. That's not fair and it's selfish. Work out a way of sorting out a rota to help them out. Also look into getting social services involved if they need any additional help around the home including any modifications (bathrooms/toilets/ramps/mobility, etc.). Look into getting them their free senior travel cards or taxi cards/Dial a Ride, etc. Make time for a phone call for 20-30 mins once or twice a week, it wouldn't kill you. This is coming from someone with an 80+ year old mother. I have siblings yet ALL of the care has fallen to me. I also have a family too (single mum). It's bloody hard but I still do it. That's what family's do.

pointythings · 11/06/2018 18:55

Finest did you miss the bit about where OP's father is in Scotland and she is in the south-east? Some rota that would be...

And the rest of your post is typical of the kind of emotional blackmail the OP and many of us who have elderly parents are exposed to.

OP didn't ask to be born. OP's parents are capable of looking after themselves and asking for help - they just won't do it.

FWIW my Dsis and I are in a similar boat with our mum, except we get the emotional blackmail from her NDN. 'We're her daughters, we have to do something'. Bollocks. She needs to stop drinking, start eating and caring for herself and move out of that house and into sheltered accommodation. But she won't. And if she won't help herself, why should we help her? We've tried, signposted, called - she won't have it. And now we dread calling her because nothing ever changes. If it did, we would be there like a shot.

CrumbsInBed · 11/06/2018 19:02

@NotMyFinestMoment.

Remember who brought you into this world

Did op, or anybody else for that matter ask to be brought into this world? Wow, I didn’t realise we had to be eternally grateful 🙄.

From a poster whose “Mother” who uttered those same words to me, who then in the next sentence, said “she couldnt WAIT to get old so I could wipe her arse for her” the same “Mother” who did fuck all for me other than bring me into this world. Who thought that the job description of being a “Mother” only involved one thing: giving birth.

Wow, how I suffered for that..
Now NC with mine. Best thing I ever did. Not sure who is going to wipe her backside now...

CPtart · 11/06/2018 19:17

There's nothing more selfish than elderly people (often with money to pay for help but who refuse to spend it) expecting family to jump to their needs regardless of the other responsibilities they have with work, young children etc. They should choose to have children for the pleasures that raising a family can bring, not for the anticipated 'payback' of care in their older years.
Families don't have to do anything. No-one should resent other family members for not getting involved, just because different choices lead to different consequences. And we all have choices as to how involved to be, not legal obligations.
I have first hand professional and personal experience of seeing how people 'caring' through misplaced guilt can lead to long term mental and physical ill health, with the parent willing to let it happen as long as their needs are met for free. Now that's selfish.

Camelsinthegobi · 11/06/2018 19:28

It’s so complicated, isn’t it! The thing I’ve found is: it’s not possible to sort everything out the way it ‘should’ be for elderly parents. They make their own decisions and, with the exception of people who lack capacity, must live with the consequences of those decisions. My MIL (also early 70s) got herself in a v difficult situation and, while we have helped her as much as we can there is a limit to what we can do because we have limited time/money. I spent ages trying to get her ‘sorted’ but had to stop doing so much because she wasn’t helping herself at all and ultimately she got herself into the situation in the first place and there’s nothing i can do to change that.