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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Exhausted by elderly parents

126 replies

LovelyBath77 · 11/06/2018 07:59

They live apart as divorced but still in touch so I get all that as well. But now they seem to be leaning on me a lot more, but not in a good way.

For example my dad texts me about how he still loves 'your mother' as he always puts it, and sends me letters about how it is easier for me to go visit him as it is 'just 60 steps down the stairs for you and thousands of miles in the car" ! (it is the other end of the UK...)

They don't seem to think that I have my own family and young children, or that my husband has been ill etc, it is all about them. They are not that old either but they think they are, and are going on about it. They are pretty independent really (early 70s)

My mum has had depression in the past and was pretty difficult growing up (blamed for stuff, never ' good enough', had odd ideas and made up stuff about me) - and that is continuing also so have had therapy and gone NC in recent years. I have been advised 'you are not responsible for her illness' but SIL has mentioned she feels I need to step up more and be more responsible.

I'm feeling really trapped. AIBU?

OP posts:
CrumbsInBed · 11/06/2018 19:34

Just something else to add:

A few years ago, dh and I met a couple whilst on holiday.

They were talking about their four daughters and mentioned that there was a bit of an age gap between second youngest and the youngest.
I asked if the youngest was a happy accident, and they said no.
They knew it wouldnt be long before the older three had their own children/got married, so they had another daughter to help them in their old age. I kid you not.
I mean, like the youngest had nothing else to do but help them, not get married or have children.....

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 11/06/2018 19:37

They raised you and you depended on them when you was little

I fucking loathe this attitude. So because someone parents (usually women's) didn't abandon them as children they should always bow to their demands no matter what the child's circumstances and location? Do fuck off! No child asks to be born

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 11/06/2018 19:39

Also I am absolutely making sure hat I have provisions in place precisely so my children don't have to look after me when I'm old. I'd rather be in a home than have them run round for me

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 11/06/2018 19:46

There's nothing more selfish than elderly people (often with money to pay for help but who refuse to spend it) expecting family to jump to their needs regardless of the other responsibilities

YY and it's almost always daughter expected so to the care work. When DH's granny was in her final months, and wanted to stay at home and be cared for, out of 8 children who lived locally, it was the 4 daughters (all full time some with small kids) who did ALL the work, the sons (3 of whom are retired) basically turned up to the funeral. I think that is typical of how care goes.

My mum very much expects me to be wiping her arse in her old age, not my 2 DBS, and she can bugger right off

annandale · 11/06/2018 19:46

I don't think it's completely mental to think that it's less pressure to have a parent ten minutes away that you can drop in on for a meal, compared to one who if you're going to see at all, it's hundreds of miles to travel and a full weekend with accommodation needed at a minimum. It's also something to say when said parent is moaning about never seeing you. 'I can't do the journey this year Dad but you could think about moving up here'. Puts the ball back in his court.

Also the point of doing a holiday on the same site was so that you wouldn't be sharing accommodation, but did have a date in the diary when you would see him, to remind him about when he's complaining.

Sorry that my responses hit the wrong note, I have done all these things myself and found them helpful.

Gottokondo · 11/06/2018 19:52

Your parents are adults and your own family depends on you. You have to prioritise your own family. Your parents can find other ways to get help. elderly people without kids don't exactly explode into dust just because kids don't take care of them. Figure out how much help you want to give, what feels right for you. For some people it will never be enough. Ignore that.

What I dislike about these threads are all the posters who would do anything to take care of their parents. That's nice if everything goes great and they are good people but if that results in a divorce and angry kids you might want to think twice.

My father is a sexist drunken twat who doesn't particularly like me and iccasionally phones me to shout some abuse. He also doesn't want to be seen with me to go somewhere because I'm fat. My DB was the favourite who gets all the positive attention, thousands in money, driving license, a car, babysitting when kids were young etc. but feels that I should take care of him because I live closer Hmm. Mum was the sweetest mother alive and I felt priviliged to care for her when she got sick and died. I will not do the same for my dad. Let people and parents judge, at the end of the day if you can live with yourself you are doing enough.

Bunbunbunny · 11/06/2018 19:55

Emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical, if you’ve got a lovely family that you want to care for then you’re lucky.

I told my DF if my mother dies before him he’ll come live with me. If he dies before her I’ll find her a nice care home but that’s it. Best bit of advice I was given is a sick arsehole is still an arsehole

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 11/06/2018 19:55

Hmm, would have been lovely to have been able to depend on them when little, I am so jealous!

Anyway, I have done various things recently- anonymously sent some stuff from agencies nearby, and checked with by brother they are getting everything they are entitled to (they both get pension credit for example, their rent paid for etc so are Ok for money).

I'm prioritising my own children, now, as they are dependant on me and must come first. I'm sorry if my resources do not run to wasting time and patience on those who have not earned such trust or respect from me over the years.

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Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 11/06/2018 19:57

Oh, also that reminds me, when we were young my mum's mum also had mental problems and she moved us all across the country to be near her. She ended up going into a home, mum had a massive fight with her relatives, dad had an affair then came a divorce. Family stress can tear it apart...in these situations.

OP posts:
Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 11/06/2018 19:59

Annan, I appreciate your comments were trying to be helpful and glad it helped you. I can see how it might work. Thing is with me, my dad has no idea of personal space and has got into my flat before - he's just wander in all the time, it would be a nightmare. But it was a nice thought and can see how it would work with the right person.

OP posts:
Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 11/06/2018 20:03

you depended on them when you was little-

It is this assumption which really grates with me. That we need to parent them. Yes, of course a child needs to rely on and bond with a parent (whether that happens or not is a different matter). An adult, doesn't need to be parentified. And this is what they have always, always done to me.

OP posts:
Pippylou · 11/06/2018 20:05

What does your SiL expect you to do? Move? Travel a lot?

Weezol · 11/06/2018 22:39

Block your mother as often as necessary. Return mail to sender unopened. Ask in-laws to do the same. She needs to see a united front on this, she's looking for loopholes to feed the poison through.

It sounds like she's tag-teaming with your father. Change your locks and do not give your father a key under any circumstances.

Please know that it's okay to look at the caller ID on your phone and choose not to answer. It's okay to put your phone on 'silent'.

If they can't respect behavioural boundaries, it's time to move to physical ones. You, your DH and your children have a right to privacy in your own home.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 11/06/2018 23:22

I think you should get a cheap phone and use that exclusively for your parents and sil/brother and block them all from your real phone. Leave the cheapy phone turned off and just access the voicemails/texts when it suits you. That way you control the contact and you can stop gettong stressed everytime your phone rings.

Zaphodsotherhead · 11/06/2018 23:24

Crumbs what were that couple going to do if their 'planned to look after us in old age' daughter had turned out to be a son? Would he have been expected to give up his life to care for them, or would they have kept having more children until they got that 'dutiful daughter' - did you ask?

Fflamingo · 11/06/2018 23:42

OMG these are not elderly parents needing support these are selfish retirees with time on their hands putting on a busy DD.
They should be sorting out their own lives and contributing to the OPs life and not draining it.

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 12/06/2018 08:53

Thanks, I have tried blocking them on the phone, it works for calls but not for texts. It is an idea about another phone- I would then have to give that number out to others as the parents know the other number.

Yes it is a worry how they up the ways to hassle me and it seems to get worse when I don't reply. They start ringing husband's family, my work in the past (brother too- he has to hide his work address from them, now) and even the doctors. and police. So that is why it can be easier in a way to keep in touch.

It's really hard to deal with, feel mean telling MIL not to reply to dad's letters etc...it all feels very overwhelming and smothering.

I think they might be getting the message a bit as not calling as much but still writing quite a lot. always weird. It makes me very anxious, as in the past they have done things like when I was a teen, at university. I was 17, and away from home for the first time (bonus!) in my halls of residence, got home to police and being told to stay in halls for the weekend as odd threatening calls had been made that I was going to be attacked / in danger etc. It was my mum (not threatening by the way but telling them I was at some sort of threat). So it always puts me on edge as to what they could do next...

OP posts:
Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 12/06/2018 08:55

Wonder if the son things is why they are focusing on me and not my brother. Thankfully am not as close and at least is distance. Didn't stop them applying and getting sheltered housing here though due to 'family connection' though.

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Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 12/06/2018 08:56

I think SIL is probably worried about getting leant on due to the female thing and being closer than me. If I am in touch that would be less the case.

OP posts:
MumofBoysx2 · 12/06/2018 09:01

Do you have brothers or sisters? If so could you suggest your parents move to a central location so that you are accessible by all of you? Or if it is just you could they live nearer to you? My Mum lives 40 miles away, split with my Dad years ago. She is the opposite, very independent but almost 80 and not wanting to hear of the granny annexe ideas we have for the future!

Lottapianos · 12/06/2018 09:03

Jeez OP, these people have absolutely no boundaries. Involving your husband's family too??! Outrageous. You are not their possession or their plaything and you don't owe them anything. Quite right to tell MIL not to reply, but how awful to be put in that position at all. The second phone idea is a good one

QuizzlyBear · 12/06/2018 09:36

I'm sorry OP, I know how hard it is when all you really want to do is cut ties with people who bring toxic guilt and stress into your life - yet when they're your parents you somehow have an obligation to continue taking it until they die 🤔

My mother is a toxic person and my brother and I went to live with my DF and DSM when I was 11. She made little to no effort to continue the relationship but expected us (from the age of 11) to make all the running, heaping on guilt whenever she felt like it.

30 years later I now live (very happily) with my own family, 15 minutes from my DF and DSM (who I would care for if they wanted me to - not that they'd ever put that pressure on me) and 5 hours from my mother, who I've not seen in years (we invited regularly for some time but in her words 'there doesn't seem much point').

This doesn't stop her from occasionally hinting via FB etc that her health is failing and she is 'all alone'. She's not, my step sister lives nearby and I will NOT be stepping in there!

Just do what feels right for you and your family (which is your priority) and don't let anyone tell you what your obligations are. Thanks

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 12/06/2018 09:49

I know what you mean about the role of them being a parent means you feel obliged despite knowing if they were anyone else it would be different. Someone mentioned to me (OOTF I think) that they now think of them by their first name rather than their role, and that helps. I think it helps me a bit as well. Not easy when they keep referring to 'your mother' etc.

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Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 12/06/2018 09:51

They also contact SIL's family and parents too - it's really weird. Can't imagine doing that to my own children in future.

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Fflamingo · 12/06/2018 10:30

If you think it's hard now just wait another 5/10 years when you get the 'I tripped and fell this morning' or 'there's nothing in the house to eat and I can't manage to the shops' or 'I need to see the doctor but can't get through on the phone'.
Now is the time to get safety barriers in place for yourself and your family. There is support and care out there if they need it, they most likely don't want to pay for it or just want your attention, completely disregarding your own well-being.
Get tough and limit contact.