AIBU for hating the Pampas advert thanking midwives.

[ToadsforJustice]

I didn't have a positive experience with any of the MW I had the misfortune of seeing whilst having my DC.

I find the advert really triggering. I don't think I would thank anyone for the misery and pain they caused me.

I never said I had PTSD after pooing during labour. The midwives disgust over it was unacceptable though as if I go around shitting in other circumstances. And my fil was at an emergency anti natal appointment because he drove me there and waited in the waited room not at the birth!

Some midwifes are nasty bitches who shouldn't be doing the job. Fact.

cathf seriously? I was sent away without being examined for four days in agony and my baby and I nearly died of sepsis. How is that fucking melodramatic?

Disgusting dismissive comment.

Maybe you're just a terrible patient? Throwing insults around... Oh dear

or because the midwife incorrectly assumed the 71 year old man. You brought with you to give birth was your partner because you were too timid to correct them.

Er no it was because she was rudely laughing about them within earshot.

I wonder why your previous comment was deleted @dontthinktwice. This is why I said we are only getting one side here, you've not presented yourself very well so I wonder if you were this aggressive as an inpatient? Might explain some of the attitudes you faced.

My midwife was found in a cupboard eating chocolate biscuits by my furious husband when I was crowning.
She'd probably got 4 women on the go and had been there 10 hours with no break-no excuse but the working conditions are shite

I imagine the midwife was having a quick biscuit to get her blood sugar up before going in and delivering a baby. She was a human being after all, not a birthing robot.
Hardly crime of the century is it?

As a student midwife, this is pretty devastating to read. We are taught to value consent, we actively seek to make your experience as good as possible. There are bad midwives out there, but the majority of us, I’d say, and most especially those qualifying in the last 10 years or so, are exceptionally woman centred. I had excellent midwives for both pregnancies and births; they were my inspiration when I decided to retrain.

I have already had several thank you cards for the care I’ve provided - I refuse to believe I’m the exception and not the norm.

I do think people expect perfection with births. Much more so than when they go in for an operation-yet the level of required care is similar. I've read loads of nurse criticisms but never so gendered and personal as to call them 'bitches' or 'nasty bitches'. Women seem to HATE midwives much more than other patients dislike nurses.

I get that birthing is a special time but as a society we make it into such a romanticism in the UK. It isn't all about lavender and hypnobirthing, we have to push a baby out it's a massive medical event. We are so focused on bounty packs and cute baby clothes that we forget how serious giving birth is. Professionals are not there to be all 'nicey nice'. They are there to make sure that everyone is safe. Yes, that doesn't happen sometimes and this should be dealt with by investigation. But being a bit dismissive, or sounding stressed when answering a question, is not the same.
I think the way women are socialised to think about birth is massively unhelpful. I worked with postnatal women for a while and those with PND were often those who felt they'd failed-ie needed and EMCS, or assisted deliveries after having a birthplan which was deviated from. The whole concept of birth plan is meant to have a woman's wishes in the same was as an advanced directive. It is to be followed as closely as possible, but often women's hopes are based on things they've seen on TV or read in a baby mag. However to expect it to be perfect is unrealistic and I feel that this is resulting in women feeling traumatised when actually the event itself was not that bad-it seemed it in the context of the expectations.
Being rude is no excuse but midwives conditions are abhorrent and yes you can argue that they should leave, but I know loads who are desperate to but where can you go which meets the same payscale when you have a mortgage and kids? All of that being terrified something will go wrong the whole time you're at work and being called bitches on social media. Sounds great.

YANBU about how you feel, I know many people who have had horrible experiences with MWs.

The MW I had throughout my pregnancy was just awful, she was truly a nasty piece of work and I dreaded every appointment with her. I saw her whilst I was still on the ward after having DD and she said how beautiful DD was. I asked her to leave.

The one(s) I had during birth were wonder caring ladies, they couldn't have done more for me, DH or DD.
I can't thank them enough for the way they made sure I was as calm as can be when we came into difficulties and didn't lie to us. They spurred me on when even DH couldn't so DD arrived safely.

Finally the MWs on the ward were a mixed bag, most blamed me for my daughter not latching and kept grabbing my boob and shoving it in her mouth. I shouted at one after she bruised my boob by grabbing it so hard and trying to fold it into DDs mouth!
When they came around for the checks the next MW was amazing and could see how much pain I was in. She got a pump for me to use to get the colostrum and my milk going whilst my poor nips recovered. She also found D'sD TT and severe ULT which caused problems latching and referred us onwards.
The final one I saw for more than a few moments was also wonderful, and she managed to get all of the retained torn placenta out when I went to the loo and thought my insides were falling out. I did go a bit mad on G&A though and thought I was dead. 😂 She got the Drs to start me on antibiotics too to make sure I was clear of infection.

I had mostly good, competent midwives. The odd one was a bit brusque but nothing serious.

However, I don't therefore feel the need to dismiss/disbelieve some of the appalling stories on here. I know lots and lots of women have had atrocious experiences and a distinct lack of care.

I'm particularly sickened by the HCPs on here closing ranks and telling women they're melodramatic or awkward.

Don't you see?! That's precisely why we're in this mess! Women's pain and medical issues are not taken seriously. Even by women! What about that vaginal mesh scandal? Where have you people been living? Under a rock?

It isn't all about lavender and hypnobirthing, we have to push a baby out it's a massive medical event

Yes and I was absolutely fine with that. Wasn't bothered about a natural birth. Just wanted a healthy baby and not to have nearly died through negligence.

That's different Pot to saying a midwife is a nasty bitch for something she'd said. We are all entitled to feel what we want but sometimes feelings aren't facts and don't represent reality.
Negligence is different.

@littletinyraindrops so you had plenty of good care from midwives, but the OP isnt BU to say that they shouldn’t be thanked by society?!

chewedup a fuzzy, saccharine, totally unrealistic advert for Pampers isn't being "thanked by society" - it's romanticising and hijacking women's experiences.

YADNBU

I get that birthing is a special time but as a society we make it into such a romanticism in the UK. It isn't all about lavender and hypnobirthing, we have to push a baby out it's a massive medical event.

You always get people saying this - that women have all these unrealistic expectations - and it really surprises me; I think if you asked the average person in the street what word they'd associate with childbirth they wouldn't say 'lavender', they'd say 'pain'. I haven't given birth yet so can't talk from experience of that, but I do know that the idea of birth as a lovely fun thing seems really alien to what I, or any other woman I know, has been raised to believe. I think this idea that women have this belief that childbirth will be easy and painless is by and large a patronising, and pretty sexist, stereotype that seems to be used both to terrify women out of having any expectations at all, and to laugh at them if they have bad experiences.

We need to educate our children about the reality of birth. Consumerism has prevented that-it's all about the clothes/nappies/wipes/bottles/sterilisers/cots/prams.
Reality is you push something out your vagina, most likely rip it, might need something to cut it or pull it out, or if not you need slicing through your stomach and stitching back up. You get a baby at the end of it but your vagina and breasts are ruined, you may get an overhang, you may have continence problems.
#Cue the sloppy music

Being unreasonable would be petitioning to ban the advert, to feel upset by it and that it only recognises those who have lovely births with great MWs is just her feelings.
It's not unreasonable as she has a perfectly good reason for it upsetting her.

Personally I see no issue with the advert, as I feel the majority do an amazing job which they should be thanked for on a personal basis by the mothers and fathers. However I can totally see why she is upset and it makes her hurt/angry having had a somewhat mild experience of those who were less than wonderful.

I don't think women are terrified or undermined by birth expectation. We all know it can hurt but the belief is it hurts and then the baby comes out and it will be all lovely-that's what happens on the telly and in books.
Nobody is laughing at women having bad experiences and what is bad is down to the woman but not everything can be good either, In an overstretched service with staff who are vastly overworked and given too many women to care for to be safe even on a good day.

To be honest, this kind of thread won't make midwives want to treat you any better, if anything it could have the opposite effect on someone who is exhausted and their motivation to go the extra mile could just disappear. Honestly I'm not feeling too motivated about making a difference and staying late next shift after reading all this nastiness, think I'll have my break and finish at 8 thanks.

@Flatearthersphere yes!!!! She was amazing. Feel free to tell her an anonymous MNetter thinks so too. Also a lovely young student Midwife with first name beginning with R.

Was Feb 2017 when I was in @Flatearthersphere

cathf
That is a grim post. What a lot of women are asking for is communication and consideration not to be treated like a princess.

It must be draining to be a professional who is expected to take the criticism for your entire profession.