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Original poster

I have gone very very wrong somewhere with DD.

526 replies

TokenBritPoshOfCourse · 10/06/2018 11:50

I am mortified. Dd is 14. Last year I got her and ds1 (15) an iPhone SE each, which happened to be the same phone I had.

She broke hers within a month. I paid for it to be repaired and she broke it again (dropped it both times).

DH upgraded his android phone so she was given his old handset (Samsung galaxy). She has done nothing but moan about it really, the camera is ‘shit’, she can’t download stuff she wants, it’s not an iPhone. We have pulled her up on this every time btw.

I have upgraded my phone and the new one (iPhone 8) arrived this morning. DD was hovering wanting to know what the parcel was and I said, ooh, you’ll be happy because this means you’ll have an iPhone again. She rapidly cycled through thinking I meant the new phone was for her, to realising I meant she could have my old one, to hysterical tears and then utter rage at me.

She has stamped her way around the house yelling that I need to apologise to her because I led her to believe she was getting a new iPhone, that it’s not fair I get a brand new phone and she gets my cast offs, that I’m out of order for getting myself a new phone when mine still works and that she deserves a new one before me.

I just don’t know where to go from here. Obviously she isn’t now getting my ‘old’ phone. I am disgusted by her attitude but I don’t know how to fix this. DH wants to take her phone away entirely, and her laptop, camera, tv etc. She is totally spoilt and entitled and I don’t really know what to do. For context ds1 and ds2 (6) have all the same mod cons but a totally different attitude.

Any suggestions on how to deal with this? She’s been sent to her room but is still raging that I need to apologise to her for ‘leading her on’ thinking she was getting a new iPhone 8.

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 10/06/2018 18:27

You've raised a hideous, spoiled brat.

She wouldn't have a phone any more if she lived here.

Or access to any other electronics for a month for anything other than homework purposes.

Dungeondragon15 · 10/06/2018 18:29

I agree that it wasn't surprising that the DD thought the new phone was for her. She is only 14 and has no idea of the value of things. If have teenage DD's and it seems loads of children have ridiculously expensive phones so to them it is quite normal. All the talk of entitlement and extra punishment are ridiculous. Give her a chance to calm down and if she does, I would give her the old phone.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/06/2018 18:30

The very latest one was on the table

They're all over the shops, too, but that doesn't mean she's entitled to those any more than she is to her mum's new phone and a disappointed teenager is hardly a calamity unless she chooses to make it so

Yes she might have assumed, but assuming isn't getting and the lessons learned from that can be valuable ... and if "excitement" causes her to lose all proportion, maybe she isn't ready for the responsibility of owning very high tech (as indeed her past behaviour also shows)

Dungeondragon15 · 10/06/2018 18:32

And ignore the posters who are calling your DD nasty names. I bet that they only have toddlers or no children at all.

DuchyDuke · 10/06/2018 18:35

It sounds like the problem is she doesn’t value stuff. Younger siblings can be like this - they sometimes get things automatically that older siblings have to earn. You have to take all of her devices away and make her earn them all from scratch.

HarryLovesDraco · 10/06/2018 18:37

She is only 14 and has no idea of the value of things

Says who?

My ds is 10 and he knows the value of things. He knows that my old iPad was worth £150 and he could choose between having that as his birthday present or having something else to a similar value. He knows that I work for all the money we have and that work is hard.
If your 14 year old doesn't understand that brand new iPhones are expensive..,you have definitely gone very wrong somewhere

diddl · 10/06/2018 18:44

Even if she did think that the new phone was for her, her tears & tantru on realising that it wasn't & that she would still be getting the same phone as she had broken twice & a better one than she was currently using is just ridiculous.

She should be ashamed of he rbehaviour.

MsHomeSlice · 10/06/2018 18:49

i would have laughed in her face at her outrageous entitlement, then had a long pointed conversation about her constant attitude, carelessness and brattishness

as for the sustained tantrum where she expected you to apologise! That is really just reinforcing how entitled she believes herself to be...along with the post chat "can i have the phone" request

I would leave her with her old phone for all eternity tbh, and be utterly furious until she issued a heartfelt and sincere apology.

I would also be clamping down on nice days out and treats unless she reforms her ways pretty smartly....and yes it is difficult to do, but a few weeks of "what a shame we can't go out and do lovely things" should put an end to a good deal of this. Just a shame it has had to wait until she is practically a grown up to make this point.

mammyoftwo · 10/06/2018 18:50

Sounds like a tough day at the office OP Flowers

My DD is only 3 but behaves in a spoilt and brat-ish manner at times (I know, I know, she's only 3, but even so) any advice for how to get off this track and towards her being more greatful?

IHaveBrilloHair · 10/06/2018 18:50

I'll bet money on it that she is ashamed of her behaviour, but admitting it isn't very easy.
Good for you those with 10yr olds who appreciate this.
10yr olds and teenagers are very different creatures.
The best thing is to work with them and overly harsh punishments just don't work.

Charolais · 10/06/2018 18:51

Keep the child in clean clothes and fed. Nothing more. If you don’t nip this in the bud you will regret it.

mammyoftwo · 10/06/2018 18:52

*grateful

rosesandflowers · 10/06/2018 18:53
Shock

A teenager - "hideous", "spoiled", etc. etc. because she had a tantrum?

Good God, you can't really have raised teens, have you? I can imagine what they're like if you have. Have had friends raised like this & my DD has many too. Absolutely awful consequences.

I get to upgrade my phone regularly because I pay for it. I don't want my kid to think he gets automatic upgrades when I get them, because he doesn't pay for them! Every old handset is worth money, so if I give it to him, I'm giving him money I don't therefore get myself.

I can't believe some of the people that have children.

"I get nice food regularly because I pay for it. I don't want my kid to think he gets expensive food like salmon or steak when I get them, because he doesn't pay for food shopping! Even my leftovers are worth money, so if I give it to him, I'm giving him money I don't therefore get myself."

"I get pretty clothes regularly because I pay for them. I don't want my kid to think he gets clothes he likes just because I get them, because he doesn't pay for them! Even old clothes I don't wear anymore are worth money, so if I give them to him, I'm giving him money I don't therefore get myself."

Teenagers don't pay for things - because they can't pay for things, because for the most part they don't have access to their own money!

Iwantaunicorn · 10/06/2018 19:05

Haven’t RTFT, so apologies if it’s been posted about before, but as and when you do give her another phone, I’d suggest buying a glass screen protector off of eBay. Only costs a couple of quid, but saves the screen if you drop it (I do this frequently because I’m clumsy!). Just search for 9h glass screen, will save you both a fortune!

LillianGish · 10/06/2018 19:10

I would have calmly reiterated the offer of your old iPhone and explained that if she wants a brand new one she will have to save up for one herself. I would have told her her choice was between your old phone and sticking with the one she has and reminded her that she broke the old one twice herself. Model the calm behaviour you want to see from her. Don't get into a shouting match. She is a teenager - allow her to have a strop and then come to her senses and start again. If she is spoiled it is because you have spoiled her

Walkingdeadfangirl · 10/06/2018 19:16

Why does no one ever take out proper phone insurance so you dont have to use your house insurance. Phones are expensive and you really need separate insurance for them which also avoids the problem with the excess.

Dungeondragon15 · 10/06/2018 19:20

If your 14 year old doesn't understand that brand new iPhones are expensive..,you have definitely gone very wrong somewhere

My teenagers don't have iphones and neither do I or DH so not really relevant. You 10 year old will repeat that iphones are expensive if you have told him them but there is a difference between repeating what you have been told and really understanding how extravagant they are when most of your friends and in this case the parents have them and upgrade fairly often.
As your child is only 10, I would hold off feeling too smug about your parenting skills until he is a teenager. He may surprise you by not being is perfect as you expect.

KeepCalm · 10/06/2018 19:23

Take yourself straight to Tesco.

Buy a small basic nokia (the one I have for my DD is white) that just texts/calls. NO smart phone function at all.

Take everything else away and hand her that.

When my DD was being an arse I explained I only needed to phone/text her as she's in school in the next town.

I preloaded it with required phone numbers and handed it to her as she left for school and she handed me it back when she got home. It had my number, DH's number and a few other emergency contacts. No friends nothing.

Now she 'earned' back a smart phone and if she wants an iPhone she can pay for it her self with her wkend earnings.

However all I have to do is take out that wee white Nokia phone and charge it when she's being an arse....... she just says 'what's that for' to which I reply 'we'll see' lol

Good luck Op!

IHaveBrilloHair · 10/06/2018 19:27

IPhones or similar aren't really extravagant, they really ate the norm these days.
Neither me or Dd have the latest, but we have decent ones as do all my friends and their kids.
(I have a Galaxy 7, Dd has an IPhone 7)

IppyDippyTippy · 10/06/2018 19:28

From the sounds of this thread my 9 yo DD is 14!!! She dropped her tablet and the glass cracked. Tough, she had to live with it like that. She dropped it again and it cracked some more. Tough.

I'm 46 and have just bought myself a brand new refurbished 3yo Galaxy A3 and I'm thrilled with it Grin. It's a wonderful phone.

Hotdogjumpingfrogs · 10/06/2018 19:34

I'd replace the phone with cup and string, the laptop with an abucus and the camera with pencil and paper.

When she starts behaving she can have gradual upgrades. Next would come a pager, an old wind up kodak and an Atari computer.

Hotdogjumpingfrogs · 10/06/2018 19:36

Oh and in future, protective cases are good when giving expensive phones to teenagers.

KeepCalm · 10/06/2018 19:36

And I DO believe ensues extravagant for a child. DD has a Galaxy something smart phone but has had to use it with a smashed screen as she kept breaking it and I refuse to pay for another.

She's holding out for my iPhone when I upgrade because that's what her mates get. I'm not upgrading however, why would I when this one works just fine.....

She refused to take photos on her recent school trip as her phone camera is 'crap'. fair enough, I told her to use her camera. She's now shared pictures everyone else took lol

They're not daft. Don't let your DD play on your good nature. Sounds like she is well looked after, well loved and knows it.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 10/06/2018 19:39

Meh teenager ! I have this to come I suspect

I had to laugh today day as there is a scene in ‘Wimp kid - dog days’ and the parent give him his first cell phone . He is all excited and it’s a baby one with one button to call 911 and one to call home 🏠

Get her that - cheeky mare

Colbu24 · 10/06/2018 19:40

I think you don't have to do anything other than not giving her the phone.
She is having a really bad time all by herself.
Mega tantrum etc. Sounds like she really isn't ready for an expensive phone as she doesn't know how to look after it.