I have gone very very wrong somewhere with DD.

[TokenBritPoshOfCourse]

I am mortified. Dd is 14. Last year I got her and ds1 (15) an iPhone SE each, which happened to be the same phone I had.

She broke hers within a month. I paid for it to be repaired and she broke it again (dropped it both times).

DH upgraded his android phone so she was given his old handset (Samsung galaxy). She has done nothing but moan about it really, the camera is ‘shit’, she can’t download stuff she wants, it’s not an iPhone. We have pulled her up on this every time btw.

I have upgraded my phone and the new one (iPhone 8) arrived this morning. DD was hovering wanting to know what the parcel was and I said, ooh, you’ll be happy because this means you’ll have an iPhone again. She rapidly cycled through thinking I meant the new phone was for her, to realising I meant she could have my old one, to hysterical tears and then utter rage at me.

She has stamped her way around the house yelling that I need to apologise to her because I led her to believe she was getting a new iPhone, that it’s not fair I get a brand new phone and she gets my cast offs, that I’m out of order for getting myself a new phone when mine still works and that she deserves a new one before me.

I just don’t know where to go from here. Obviously she isn’t now getting my ‘old’ phone. I am disgusted by her attitude but I don’t know how to fix this. DH wants to take her phone away entirely, and her laptop, camera, tv etc. She is totally spoilt and entitled and I don’t really know what to do. For context ds1 and ds2 (6) have all the same mod cons but a totally different attitude.

Any suggestions on how to deal with this? She’s been sent to her room but is still raging that I need to apologise to her for ‘leading her on’ thinking she was getting a new iPhone 8.

Just a thought, but would it be possible to organise a visit to a charity organisation that works with impoverished children abroad for a week or so this summer? It can have a profound effect on youngsters in our part of the world who have no idea how privileged they are.

God, this thread is depressing. So many people falling over themselves to advise disproportionate punishments which seem to have an underlying message of putting a child in her place, making sure this kid knows her place in the hierarchy.

Anyone who doesn't believe hormones affect emotional regulation simply comes across as uneducated. Heck, they won't even diagnose emotionally unstable personality disorder until a person is out of their teens because it's widely acknowledged that teens are not able to regulate like adults.

Yes, the daughter behaved obnoxiously and needs guidance and boundaries in acceptable behaviour, including respecting the cost of living, and the cost of participating fully in society - like the benefit of having the iPhone to participate I group chat with friends or whatever.

But not through 'punishments' designed to damage self esteem by reinforcing that she matters less because she didn't earn the money, because she's only a kid and doesn't have a job.

Suddenly realised I have an iPhone for last few years myself and unsure if you can do group chat with a group function, clearly such an elite phone is wasted on me

iMessage function. Giving up now..

I agree with absentminded

I wouldn't go as far as taking all her tech away yet, but I would not be giving her the old iPhone. She can wait til her birthday or Christmas, or she can earn it off you. But letting her have it now would be silly.

I wouldn't be putting draconian punishments in place, no. But neither would I be apologising. I would point out that she'd leapt to the wrong conclusion but to think about why she was wrong to even think that.

And I have had two teenagers, now 19 and 21. Both nice, well-adjusted people. Neither is perfect, but equally, neither would ever have thrown the strop the OP's dd seems to have done. One has been frugal and undemanding, the other has chanced her arm if she thought she could get away with it. We've tempered her expectations!

I was just stood holding my phone the other day chatting to a colleague and dropped it 🤦🏼‍♀️
I'd only got it out to check time as had to go and get Ds.

I broke the heavy duty security case on it and it's currently sellotaped together 🤣🤣

I dropped mine in the loo the other day. Carefully took it out of my back jeans pocket, did a Laurel and Hardy juggle with it, and it fell straight in.

You 10 year old will repeat that iphones are expensive if you have told him them but there is a difference between repeating what you have been told and really understanding how extravagant they are when most of your friends and in this case the parents have them

I'm crap at many aspects of parenting but this is one area I have cracked through sheer necessity. My kid sees me working, he knows how much the rent costs, how much I make from the extra work I do at home in the evenings, I tell him how much his football costs, he understands what money is and how we have to prioritise.

He gets full well that his friend might have 3 different games consoles and upgrades every year and that he doesn't have that because I saved to buy him one games console and he won't get another until that one is out of date.
He gets pocket money to buy the things he wants and he has to save for what he wants to buy.
I grew up crap with money (partly why I still have to be careful despite having an ok salary) and I don't want him to be the same. Growing up believing they are entitled to the newest and best all the time is what teaches kids to get into debt.

I'm really sorry, haven't rtft.
However, I don't think you have gone wrong.
I did some training in the Solihull approach through my previous job. It was fascinating, could explain the teenage tantrum.
http://solihullapproachparenting.com/wp-content/uploads/delightful-downloads/2016/07/For-teenagers.pdf

'm crap at many aspects of parenting but this is one area I have cracked through sheer necessity. My kid sees me working, he knows how much the rent costs, how much I make from the extra work I do at home in the evenings, I tell him how much his football costs, he understands what money is and how we have to prioritise.

You don't know that OP hasn't done that though. Whatever your DC is like now, he will be different when he is a teenager and that will include his attitude towards money.

Growing up believing they are entitled to the newest and best all the time is what teaches kids to get into debt.

OP hasn't done that though and neither do most parents.

Definitely with your DH. I’d just have turned around and said “right well if it’s not good enough, deal without a phone all together.”

OP has done that actually. She gives her kids valuable phones just because she upgrades her own plan, she fixes or replaces them when they break from carelessness, several times, and was planning to replace the current phone with an iPhone just because the daughter doesn't like the android.

I am aware that my kid will change when he's a teenager; I work with children in care, I'm not naive. But the foundation will be there. I grew up in a family with not enough money for luxuries and I understood full well what I could and couldn't ask my parents for. There is no reason to raise entitled kids just because you are well off enough to give your handsets away rather than sell them and buy the latest models!

I’m with your husband on this one. Take the phone off her. Give her the option, she can either do without, have your old one or buy one herself by saving.

OP has done that actually. She gives her kids valuable phones just because she upgrades her own plan, she fixes or replaces them when they break from carelessness, several times, and was planning to replace the current phone with an iPhone just because the daughter doesn't like the android.

OP was replacing it with her old phone because it is spare and in reality, you can't sell them for that much. I don't think that you have to be particularly careless to drop a phone. People do fix their children's phones if they break as otherwise they won't have a phone. I don't think that fixing their phone or giving them an older phone that is spare because you have upgraded is spoiling them. A phone might seem like an unnecessary luxury when your child is 10 but when they are older teenagers they are very useful, not just for the child but also for the parent.

I grew up in a family with not enough money for luxuries and I understood full well what I could and couldn't ask my parents for.

And yet you say you were crap with money...

There is no reason to raise entitled kids just because you are well off enough to give your handsets away rather than sell them and buy the latest models!

So you think everyone who gives their child their old phone when they upgrade is raising an entitled child? I think that you just want to think that.

in reality, you can't sell them for that much

£150 isn't that much? Ok...

Yes I was crap with money because I didn't understand things like credit cards and overdrafts and because I saw myself through university working 2 jobs and never earnt enough to live on. I then married a feckless man and had a baby which led to significant debt as he didn't support us financially and put pressure on me to finance his harebrained business schemes.

That doesn't change the fact that as a teenager I wouldn't have dreamt of demanding new stuff because I knew the money wasn't there.

Obviously I don't think that giving children old handsets automatically makes them entitled. The point I was making is that if, as parents, you have no financial need to sell old handsets or whatever that's great, but it doesn't follow that children should automatically assume that they get the new stuff just because it's there and because they don't like the one they have.

£150 isn't that much? Ok...

I don't think you can sell them for that much usually. The dealers might sell them for that much if in excellent condition but they would have paid a lot less for them. I certainly wouldn't give a private seller £150 for an old iphone.

Obviously I don't think that giving children old handsets automatically makes them entitled. The point I was making is that if, as parents, you have no financial need to sell old handsets or whatever that's great, but it doesn't follow that children should automatically assume that they get the new stuff just because it's there and because they don't like the one they have.

So you weren't actually crap with money. You just didn't have enough. There is a difference.

Obviously I don't think that giving children old handsets automatically makes them entitled. The point I was making is that if, as parents, you have no financial need to sell old handsets or whatever that's great, but it doesn't follow that children should automatically assume that they get the new stuff just because it's there and because they don't like the one they have.

OP told her DC she was getting an iphone though. She didn't just assume. Obviously, she very wrong to have a tantrum when she found out it wasn't a new one and obviously OP needs to make that very clear but I don't think OP has done anything terribly wrong, Teenagers sometimes have tantrums over outrageously unreasonable things and have to be put right. It doesn't mean they are terrible people or the parent has done a bad job of bringing them up.

Agree with absentmindedwoman too

What is the point of escalating everything?

Support your DH. Present a united front. It’s not about the phone, it’s about her behaviour and attitude and you need to nip this in the bud straight away.

My 14-year-old son saved up hard to buy his "reconditioned" 5SE (BTW: same one I have) and upon ordering it (he gave me the money) I treated him to an indestructible case (about £10) but well worth it as he has dropped it several times, which I completely expected to happen. I'm at a loss as to why a parent would pay £100s for a phone and not even think about getting a protective case to go with it, especially when they're so cheap and the children are so young and accident-prone.

Iphones must must must have a good tempered glass screen protector on them - the apple store will fit one for about £25 which seems pricey but it’s worth every penny. And a bendy/rubbery case (not a hard plastic one). I’m a thicko and so drop my iphone at least daily and the screen protector is smashed up but the phone is unharmed

God, this thread is depressing. So many people falling over themselves to advise disproportionate punishments which seem to have an underlying message of putting a child in her place, making sure this kid knows her place in the hierarchy.

Absentminded is very wise. My dear late friend, who my now 15 year old DD loved, told DD that being a teenager was like being in a long, dark tunnel and for some its longer than others. Then when I was ranting about her older sister, little DD came up and reminded me of what my friend had said. Its a phone. No one has died, tell her not to be daft, put your old phone in the drawer, let her carry on with the one she's not keen on, wait and see.

Don't be mean or unkind to her, don't try to put an old head on young shoulders by arguing about the cost of stuff and as for her getting a job - the number of times I've seen people moaning about kids having lots of job opportunities available to them, when most places wont even see you until you are at least 16.

You sound like a sensible parent OP, you told her off so let it lie for now. Least said etc.

Your daughter I'm sorry to say is the end product of your parenting.
Shameful and disgraceful behaviour.
Take absolutely everything away from her and tell her if she wants anything now she can get a weekend job and pay for it herself.
Some very very tough love is needed here.
Do not cave.
You will only make her a thousand times worse.

Phones break- I have had an iphone since the 1st day they came out in the UK in 2007 ish. Last October I dropped mine and broke it- 1st time ever in 10 years- and last week I dropped it again and broke the screen even further.

It is a hazard, all of our family have broken a screen at some point.