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Original poster

I have gone very very wrong somewhere with DD.

526 replies

TokenBritPoshOfCourse · 10/06/2018 11:50

I am mortified. Dd is 14. Last year I got her and ds1 (15) an iPhone SE each, which happened to be the same phone I had.

She broke hers within a month. I paid for it to be repaired and she broke it again (dropped it both times).

DH upgraded his android phone so she was given his old handset (Samsung galaxy). She has done nothing but moan about it really, the camera is ‘shit’, she can’t download stuff she wants, it’s not an iPhone. We have pulled her up on this every time btw.

I have upgraded my phone and the new one (iPhone 8) arrived this morning. DD was hovering wanting to know what the parcel was and I said, ooh, you’ll be happy because this means you’ll have an iPhone again. She rapidly cycled through thinking I meant the new phone was for her, to realising I meant she could have my old one, to hysterical tears and then utter rage at me.

She has stamped her way around the house yelling that I need to apologise to her because I led her to believe she was getting a new iPhone, that it’s not fair I get a brand new phone and she gets my cast offs, that I’m out of order for getting myself a new phone when mine still works and that she deserves a new one before me.

I just don’t know where to go from here. Obviously she isn’t now getting my ‘old’ phone. I am disgusted by her attitude but I don’t know how to fix this. DH wants to take her phone away entirely, and her laptop, camera, tv etc. She is totally spoilt and entitled and I don’t really know what to do. For context ds1 and ds2 (6) have all the same mod cons but a totally different attitude.

Any suggestions on how to deal with this? She’s been sent to her room but is still raging that I need to apologise to her for ‘leading her on’ thinking she was getting a new iPhone 8.

OP posts:
binglyboo · 10/06/2018 16:55

You are going to go wrong if you follow some of the advice on here. You have to lead by example. You go batshit and what happens - she thinks that's an appropriate way to behave. Take all her stuff away and what happens - she becomes even more possessive of her tech, giving it even greater value to her.

You have to be the mature one and as such sit down with her, tell her you're sorry she got the wrong idea but her behaviour wasn't appropriate. However she can have your old iPhone if she can prove that she can be responsible with it.

And yes she doesn't know the value of money but what do you expect? You have to teach her, she doesn't just know. The same way you taught her how to count and read as a child - teach her what it is to be an adult.

LovingLola · 10/06/2018 16:56

So, a new phone came and then her mother said "you're getting a new phone."

No. Her mother did not say that.
What her mother did say was this
ooh, you’ll be happy because this means you’ll have an iPhone again.

Birdsgottafly · 10/06/2018 16:58

dalmationdotty, you need to start your own thread.

"You inadvertently and massively misled your DD"

I agree with that. It was a strange way to communicate with her. Is that partly what she reacted to as well?

BrightYellowDaffodil · 10/06/2018 17:00

She had a case and screen protector! She still managed to smash it.

To be fair, I accidentally smashed not one but two work iPhones with cases and screen protectors on them! I now use Otterbox covers (cheap on Amazon) and a glass screen protector.

rosesandflowers · 10/06/2018 17:02

^No. Her mother did not say that.
What her mother did say was this
"Ooh, you’ll be happy because this means you’ll have an iPhone again."^

I was summarising... but doesn't that make it worse? She specified the make - one that her DD wanted - and that was the type of phone. Surely it would only reinforce it?

I agree it was a weird way to say it and could definitely be fuelling your DD's anger. Does she think the misleading was intentional, OP?

IHaveBrilloHair · 10/06/2018 17:04

I know this won't be a popular opinion but I think teens should have a decent phone, it's vital to fit in and to be part of their peer group.
Not necessarily the best of course, but something not completely naf.

rosesandflowers · 10/06/2018 17:05

You have to lead by example. You go batshit and what happens - she thinks that's an appropriate way to behave. Take all her stuff away and what happens - she becomes even more possessive of her tech, giving it even greater value to her.

Definitely.

This is how teenage years go wrong and result in damaged adults.

Please please please don't do the technology ban or any melodramatic or humiliating punishment, OP.

Fruitbat1980 · 10/06/2018 17:06

I’d let her “earn” the phone back? 3 months to do so, or else it sells (price won’t change £ much in 3 months). It will be worth more to her than never getting it. And gives her an opportunity to show some glowing behaviour not silk for 3 months.

WowLookAtYou · 10/06/2018 17:18

My point is that I'm staggered that this teenager seriously thought she was in line for a brand new phone. Particularly in light of the fact that she'd already broken/lost/whatever her previous ones.

CookiesandQueen · 10/06/2018 17:22

I agree with Rosesandflowers that it's reasonable to expect some degree of carelessness. I've broken my phone several times, and I try really hard to be careful. For such expensive things, they're very delicate.

I work with teens and they've pretty much all got phones and other expensive tech. It's not seen as a luxury to them (even though it is), because everyone's got them. Teaching about the value of money is a good place to start, I think.

I don't think her reaction is evidence that you've gone wrong, she's just behaving like a teenager and it's important to show her that this behaviour isn't ok, by making the punishment specific to the tantrum. So, no phone for now, but let her keep her other tech. As pp have said, if you don't let her keep anything, you're limited on what you can do should she have any more big tantrums.

Also, for a teen, losing her phone may feel like the end of the universe in itself, so taking everything else away will be devastating and will probably just encourage more negative behaviour. If you take everything, she's got nothing to lose and no motivation to behave more positively, so I suspect the negative behaviour would just get worse.

rosesandflowers · 10/06/2018 17:26

My point is that I'm staggered that this teenager seriously thought she was in line for a brand new phone. Particularly in light of the fact that she'd already broken/lost/whatever her previous ones.

Why wouldn't she? Confused

The way it was phrased was like a build up to a pleasant surprise, not the way you say "yeah you can have my second hand phone." She was clearly very unhappy with her current one, and there was a new phone that she wanted in her sight.

The only argument you could make was that her bad behaviour might impede a present or reward. But the way you said "particularly" makes it seem like you think this is an additional reason, not the main/only one.

Do you not get your DC presents that they'd like? To the point where it's ludicrous that they would expect one, when the exact thing they want is on the table and they've been told they're getting one?

The DD is behaving badly but there are people absolutely demonising her on this thread.

HonkyWonkWoman · 10/06/2018 17:29

I agree with BossWitch page 1 - I think!
Can't be bothered rtft as everyone should agree that this attitude has to be stamped out.
Take everything off her for a month and tell her to get a job.
She sounds hideous, entitled and nasty!

LuMarie · 10/06/2018 17:34

I expect parents of teenagers who have gone through similar and common experiences will be able to give you practical advice based on their experiences. It does sound very common teenager hormone crazy tantrums.

For me, I just want to say that I don't at all think that you have gone wrong! You are recognising this attitude as something you find unacceptable, so you did not create this, you haven't spoilt her clearly and you want to address this to create better behaviour. This is all very good parenting!

Good luck, those hormones are a rollercoaster:)

Original poster
TokenBritPoshOfCourse · 10/06/2018 17:36

To explain a bit further, I wasn’t expecting the phone to arrive today, it was meant to be Monday. DD answered the door and brought the parcel up to me, and I said something like, oh, what’s that then? Oh you’ll be pleased as you’ll be able to have an iPhone again.

I’m fully aware it was the wrong thing to say. I had planned to give her my old phone but on my schedule and at an appropriate time, I was a bit blindsided by the new one turning up early.

But she had no reason at all to think I would have randomly bought her a new phone.

OP posts:
withouttea · 10/06/2018 17:44

You have my sympathy OP. I don't think you should beat yourself up for the way you handled it. My DD can also be astonishing entitled and it really, really is upsetting. She seems to be growing out of it but it was really extreme - i.e. you MUST buy a house next to X friend ! Er no. (She's since fallen out with X).

It's tougher to get a job than it was for us at that age. Could you offer an alternative - she could do jobs around the house and garden, wash cars etc., for money and earn your old phone?

rosesandflowers · 10/06/2018 17:44

Ah, I see.

Could you sit your DD down and say to her that you understand how that could be misconstrued, and apologise for your wording?

But then add a "but." Her behaviour has been unacceptable and she has one of two choices: stick with her current phone or take your old one. And if she takes care of whichever one she chooses well, a new phone/upgrade might be in place in the future.

These kind of temper tantrums are shocking when they happen but they're just teenage hormones. It's still your nice sweet girl beneath and I think that being sat down to and talked to will bring that out. Teens are an odd mix of adult and child at this age, and they appreciate being given a "choice", too.

You haven't gone "wrong" with her - this is all fairly typical. Maintain discipline but don't stoop to her level and never overreact with punishments. And keep going! Flowers

HectorlovesKiki · 10/06/2018 17:45

My DD was VILE as a teenager & early 20's! Now, she's turned back into the beautiful, calm, cool and collected human being she was before her teens. Don't despair, it will get better but it takes time.
Best wishes to you.

Chocolate50 · 10/06/2018 17:48

You haven't done anything wrong. Miscommunication happens & it sounds like she overreacted. I had one of these teenagers - hard work. I think you could try speaking to her calmly when everything is calmer - acknowledge the importance of having a phone to her & that you said something that she misunderstood & maybe that was a mistake on your part. In her head she puts huge value on having a phone - this is in part due to age & in part maintaining social links with her friends.
If you are open with her about this then it'll make it easier for her to acknowledge her behaviour is out of line.

rainingcatsanddog · 10/06/2018 17:50

My point is that I'm staggered that this teenager seriously thought she was in line for a brand new phone. Particularly in light of the fact that she'd already broken/lost/whatever her previous ones.

if OP had ordered 2 then maybe she thought that her brother and her were getting new phones but there was only one. If one child was getting an upgrade it would be the older brother who hasn't smashed his phone.

rosesandflowers · 10/06/2018 17:54

If one child was getting an upgrade it would be the older brother who hasn't smashed his phone.

Oh pfftt; stop trying to make it sound like the DD was totally crazy!

Her mother said, to HER, you'll have an iPhone again. Why would she think of her brother?

It's quite sad that a lot of these people are parents... I know lots of people like this in real life. Will do or say anything to avoid apologising to a child, often theirs.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/06/2018 18:04

The way it was phrased was like a build up to a pleasant surprise

I'd have thought getting OP's iphone would be a pleasant surprise - especially after breaking two previous ones and then being given an android she claimed to hate

The fact she was so incredibly entitled that she expected to get the very latest one is hardly something OP could have seen coming, and FWIW I think she's dealt with this very wisely

IHaveBrilloHair · 10/06/2018 18:14

OP you did nothing wrong, you spoke without thinking, we all do it.
She'll get over it.

rosesandflowers · 10/06/2018 18:16

The fact she was so incredibly entitled that she expected to get the very latest one

The very latest one was on the table. She's 14 and excited at the sight of what is most likely her dream phone, and her mother has just said she's getting one. Why would she suddenly pause to weigh up and analyse past behaviour in relation to that in her excitement?

Her behaviour hasn't been good and I don't blame the OP. But I don't think it's fair to paint the girl as BU in thinking that the phone might have been hers.

Mxyzptlk · 10/06/2018 18:21

I said something like, oh, what’s that then? Oh you’ll be pleased as you’ll be able to have an iPhone again.

As someone who never deals with large sums of money and only gets things if they are given by parents, it's not surprising your DD thought the new phone was a gift for her.
She reacted badly to the disappointment and expected things to return to the original position after her apology. Also not surprising.
She now has no idea how to retrieve the situation so is continuing to tantrum.

I'd tell her I understand how it all went wrong, if she can behave for one week she can have your old phone and if she breaks it she doesn't get a replacement.

HarryLovesDraco · 10/06/2018 18:24

There is no logical reason that she should have assumed her mum was buying her a brand new iPhone other than an inflated sense of entitlement!

I really can't bear this 'she's full of hormones, teenagers are big toddlers' attitude I see on here. She's been vile, she is spoilt and entitled (sorry OP but she is) and she needs dialling back to reality.

You seem to have a lot of expensive tech and just handing the kids new phones when you upgrade isn't teaching good attitudes. Mine got a basic phone for his birthday and when my iPhone is due an upgrade he will get my current one as a birthday present if that's what he wants.

I get to upgrade my phone regularly because I pay for it. I don't want my kid to think he gets automatic upgrades when I get them, because he doesn't pay for them! Every old handset is worth money, so if I give it to him, I'm giving him money I don't therefore get myself.

You need to stop giving her phones automatically, stop repairing her phone when she breaks it through carelessness and definitely don't give her the iPhone if her android still works.