I have gone very very wrong somewhere with DD.

[TokenBritPoshOfCourse]

I am mortified. Dd is 14. Last year I got her and ds1 (15) an iPhone SE each, which happened to be the same phone I had.

She broke hers within a month. I paid for it to be repaired and she broke it again (dropped it both times).

DH upgraded his android phone so she was given his old handset (Samsung galaxy). She has done nothing but moan about it really, the camera is ‘shit’, she can’t download stuff she wants, it’s not an iPhone. We have pulled her up on this every time btw.

I have upgraded my phone and the new one (iPhone 8) arrived this morning. DD was hovering wanting to know what the parcel was and I said, ooh, you’ll be happy because this means you’ll have an iPhone again. She rapidly cycled through thinking I meant the new phone was for her, to realising I meant she could have my old one, to hysterical tears and then utter rage at me.

She has stamped her way around the house yelling that I need to apologise to her because I led her to believe she was getting a new iPhone, that it’s not fair I get a brand new phone and she gets my cast offs, that I’m out of order for getting myself a new phone when mine still works and that she deserves a new one before me.

I just don’t know where to go from here. Obviously she isn’t now getting my ‘old’ phone. I am disgusted by her attitude but I don’t know how to fix this. DH wants to take her phone away entirely, and her laptop, camera, tv etc. She is totally spoilt and entitled and I don’t really know what to do. For context ds1 and ds2 (6) have all the same mod cons but a totally different attitude.

Any suggestions on how to deal with this? She’s been sent to her room but is still raging that I need to apologise to her for ‘leading her on’ thinking she was getting a new iPhone 8.

I wouldn't remove all tech - it leaves you nowhere to go next time she is really rude.

This.

Also, if your DD is constantly dropping her phone, have you looked into why?

My DD went through 5 phones in 2 years. We thought she was clumsy; they were dropped every time. Then she got diagnosed with epilepsy. I wouldn't have been able to deal with the guilt if we had ever punished her harshly for any of her symptoms, I think.

I know it's unlikely it's the same thing with your DD, but food for thought.

"I think this kind of thing matters a lot - to them, if not their peers, at this age. "

Then why didn't she take care of the iphone when she had it?

So I’m separated from my husband and in process of a divorce. I’ve been seeing someone for about 6 months now and things are going well. My kids know he’s in my life but they haven’t met him yet. My ex knows I’m seeing someone and hasn’t been very happy about (actually very angry and hostile) but can’t do much about that. I’ve met my partners kids, he involved them pretty early on in fact and they apparently like me, because I play and have fun with them. Which is nice but I’m not sure I like them much?? I feel like a terrible person for saying so as they’re just kids but our parenting styles are so different. His kids eat sweets from the minute they get up, helping themselves all day and I have to always prompt them to say please or thank you or pardon instead “huh” when I talk to them. They whizz round end house going thru my kids stuff without asking, which I wouldn’t usually mind but my kids aren’t here so feel a bit protective over their possessions on their behalf. They make a mess and never tidy up and if asked to just stare at you like you’re a total idiot! They stay up till about midnight. They’re the same age as my kids (8-11 and maybe I’m very strict but I have quite set routines with my kids unless it’s school holidays. My partner is asking we get the kids together and I’m resisting as I don’t think they’d get on and it will put a strain on us. I’m enjoying being with him on my own and in no rush to involve kids yet. Am I being selfish or naive or both. It doesn’t help that my ex is so hostile about my relationship so I don’t want to give him any ammunition against me if the kids don’t like each other. When is it right to introduce your kids to your new partner and how is the best way to do that?

Then why didn't she take care of the iphone when she had it?

Teenagers are hardly known for their extreme responsibility! You can value things without keeping them carefully, especially at this age.

I think you're being a bit unrealistic in expecting a teen to look after a phone (quite delicate, especially Apple ones) without any slip ups. Both my teens have broken a phone (DD considerably more than one )

I understand that this might put more economic strain on some than others, and obviously her behaviour shouldn't be pandered to. But some of the punishments suggested on here are just overload!

BTW, do you have phone insurance OP? Was a life saver with DD.

Arbitrary "ton of bricks" punishment only cause resentment, reinforce the idea that life isn't fair, model random irrational behaviour and power games and train kids to respond only to external control and just worry about being caught out.

Natural consequences are infinitely better to teach children that their actions have - well - natural consequences and learn to think before they act/ speak generally - not only when they are likely to be caught by an authority figure.

Taking all the tech and spewing a list of humiliations and requirements is arbitrary.

Just not giving her any iPhone including your old one is a much less arbitrary reaction to her tantrum about you not giving her your new iPhone.

Feeling helpless and out of control is one of the worst things about being a teen. Exacerbating that with arbitrary punishment will make her teenage years a battle ground. What's difficult is finding a way to balance appropriate parental control with helping her find ways to take control of her own life. Helping her find a way to earn her own money which she spends on the extras that matter to her but not you is a start.

wtf @dalmationdotty?

Chinese sounds like she's posted in the wrong place.

I think you're being a bit unrealistic in expecting a teen to look after a phone

Wow, sad that people have such low expectations of their teens. My twins got kindle fires aged 4 and a case to keep them in. At 6 I expect them to be responsible for charging them and not breaking them. In one gets broken they know it won't be replaced immediately yet on this thread teens breaking phones is seen as inevitable? Nope. If you set your expectations that low then why would they take care?

"Teenagers are hardly known for their extreme responsibility! You can value things without keeping them carefully, especially at this age."

No, sorry-if you can't look after it then you can't have it-especially something that is a luxury, although for some reason viewed as a necessity.

I think that you do teens a disservice with such a statement tbh.

I think you're being a bit unrealistic in expecting a teen to look after a phone

What? I used to cook meals, make hot drinks and clean the entire house as a teen as well as doing gardening off my own back.

Mind you, if you only have low expectations of your children then I guess as teens they will play up to that.

Ds1 broke every piece of tech he had at 14. It wasn’t through not recognizing value, it was just inability to deal with everything at once - spatial consequences, carrying too much shit, trying to look at it at inappropriate moments etc. Some of them (like the mini iPad for Christmas) we didn’t even know he had broken the screen because he kept it from us for threebir months (he’d actually broken it within a week by dropping it on the stairs).
Two and a half years later and he has grown out of the clumsy. They do get over it but some kids do go through a seemingly careless phase - it isn’t something they can actually change at the time, so the more cases and insurance backup, the better. His sisters havent broken a phone between them.
De-escalation is the key to the rows though. I’m more than capable of threatening to remove all tech forever, but usually I calm down after five minutes and we have a sensible conversation. I only have one 14yo left. Thankfully

You can look after them and still break them.
I dropped a phone completely accidentally, cracked screen.
I also dropped a jar of olives such an MN thing to happen on one of my tablets.
The only devices I've damaged in all my years owning them, accidents happen.

I think selling it is harsh.

Teens are capable of looking after things. However, with phones we've always had the 'rule' that you get bought a phone of your choice (to the budget set) and then one replacement if something happens to the phone by accident. After that if something else happens you get a cheap phone of my choosing that is functional but has no bells and whistles - much the same as my own phone - unless you buy it yourself.

"I think selling it is harsh."

Op shouldn't sell her own phone?

AnnieAnoniMouser has it right.
Remember when they were toddlers. Well the same thing applies to some young teens. Ignore tantrums. Bad behaviour never gets you what you want. Threaten and follow through.
It's tedious and hard work but you will get there in the end.
Also most 14 year olds can't get Saturday jobs. Maybe in 1974 when I was 14 but not now.

Wow, sad that people have such low expectations of their teens.

Am I really so strange for this?
Surely most teens at some point drop their phones?

My DD was my first child with a phone so maybe I've had an atypical experience, though.

I wouldn’t sell it; it’s worth practically nothing anyway. Just give the situation some time to diffuse and hopefully DD can make amends and use the phone.

I know my DD would be totally disenfranchised without an iPhone as all of her friends use group messaging all the time...including currently gcse revision chats, so I wouldn’t see it as a reasonable expectation for her to be without one.

I’d be pretty upset and replace my iPhone and iPad instantly if I did inadvertently damage them and I guess I’m just lucky I have the economic clout to be able to do that.

You inadvertently and massively misled your DD and I can understand how she felt so upset. We do as human beings value material possessions and gifts. Think of al the threads on here about gift disappointment etc - as grown ups we still find this stuff hugely emotional and hard to deal with; so much harder at 14.

No, sorry-if you can't look after it then you can't have it-especially something that is a luxury, although for some reason viewed as a necessity.

I think a phone in itself I'd view as a necessity. Not the latest model, though.

If everybody was denied access to things after breaking one, life would be completely non-functional. I don't think denying them access when they're young is going to help, just inadequately prepare them for life.

"Surely most teens at some point drop their phones?"

Perhaps it can depend on the circumstances?

We all drop things, of course?

But for example if they are walking around texting paying no attention, or scrabbling in a bag half pulling stuff out-easy to not do either again.

You inadvertently and massively misled your DD and I can understand how she felt so upset.

I do think you should apologise for this, BTW - along with a measured and rational consequence to her behaviour.

But for example if they are walking around texting paying no attention, or scrabbling in a bag half pulling stuff out-easy to not do either again.

Obviously it depends - but I think that's basic carelessness. I don't think it's the sort of thing that should be met with extreme punishment. IME carelessness gets sorted out in latter secondary school.

Circumstances can be more complex than they seem, too. My DD would leave her phone in places and forget where she had put them. She would throw them seemingly randomly. She would crack the screens constantly. Easy to view as carelessness. It wasn't.

Regardless, I don't think any adult would deal with themselves in a similar way for breaking their phone. Punish her for the tantrums, work on her organisation.

You inadvertently and massively misled your DD

I disagree. Your dd jumped to a conclusion that she should never have dreamt of - or at least, only in some parallel entitled universe.

I disagree. Your dd jumped to a conclusion that she should never have dreamt of - or at least, only in some parallel entitled universe.

So, a new phone came and then her mother said "you're getting a new phone."

Really? You can't see why her mind went there? When she was excited for a new phone (a fact that her parents were aware of) and there was one right there?