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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have gone very very wrong somewhere with DD.

526 replies

TokenBritPoshOfCourse · 10/06/2018 11:50

I am mortified. Dd is 14. Last year I got her and ds1 (15) an iPhone SE each, which happened to be the same phone I had.

She broke hers within a month. I paid for it to be repaired and she broke it again (dropped it both times).

DH upgraded his android phone so she was given his old handset (Samsung galaxy). She has done nothing but moan about it really, the camera is ‘shit’, she can’t download stuff she wants, it’s not an iPhone. We have pulled her up on this every time btw.

I have upgraded my phone and the new one (iPhone 8) arrived this morning. DD was hovering wanting to know what the parcel was and I said, ooh, you’ll be happy because this means you’ll have an iPhone again. She rapidly cycled through thinking I meant the new phone was for her, to realising I meant she could have my old one, to hysterical tears and then utter rage at me.

She has stamped her way around the house yelling that I need to apologise to her because I led her to believe she was getting a new iPhone, that it’s not fair I get a brand new phone and she gets my cast offs, that I’m out of order for getting myself a new phone when mine still works and that she deserves a new one before me.

I just don’t know where to go from here. Obviously she isn’t now getting my ‘old’ phone. I am disgusted by her attitude but I don’t know how to fix this. DH wants to take her phone away entirely, and her laptop, camera, tv etc. She is totally spoilt and entitled and I don’t really know what to do. For context ds1 and ds2 (6) have all the same mod cons but a totally different attitude.

Any suggestions on how to deal with this? She’s been sent to her room but is still raging that I need to apologise to her for ‘leading her on’ thinking she was getting a new iPhone 8.

OP posts:
Karigan198 · 12/06/2018 09:08

By this I mean set tasks for items. E.g wants phone back she does the dishes for a week. Wants her laptop she cleans something else.

If she needs it for homework she could have monitored access like she was at a library so it doesn’t interfere with her schooling

somewhereovertherain · 12/06/2018 09:09

14 y/o job doesn’t / didn’t effect my DDs grades gave them so many opportunities to do things they wanted, to buy the brands of clothes they wanted. This summer they’ve paid to go on a trip to the states. A job at that age gives them freedom, the chance to understand the value of money and self respect - and believe me things they buy themselves get looked after far better.

My girls now 16/17 do 6 hours on a Saturday in a cafe and can earn 50+ tips if they make bonus. At 14 they where £6 an hour.

Karigan198 · 12/06/2018 09:10

Btw my nephew has worked since about 13/14 meaning he has now got mod cons and things other kids his age don’t. He’s 17 now so those kind of jobs haven’t disappeared you just need to look for them

Dungeondragon15 · 12/06/2018 09:16

Btw my nephew has worked since about 13/14 meaning he has now got mod cons and things other kids his age don’t. He’s 17 now so those kind of jobs haven’t disappeared you just need to look for them

Just because your nephew was able to find work at 13/14 where you live it doesn't mean 14 years can get jobs in all parts of the country!

Gretol · 12/06/2018 09:20

I agree with dungeon

There are some weird attitudes on this thread

BarbarianMum · 12/06/2018 09:21

Sorry but where are these areas where no one needs a babysitter, or has cars, no fruit picking, or where there are no paper rounds and there are no elderly/busy people who could do with a hand with the garden/whatever?

Karigan198 · 12/06/2018 09:24

Of course lets not even try looking for a job because mumsnet says they have disappeared 😂😂😂😂.

Don’t be ridiculous. Not every kid will be able to find a job. It will depend on the area etc but they haven’t all disappeared.

Dungeondragon15 · 12/06/2018 09:26

Sorry but where are these areas where no one needs a babysitter, or has cars, no fruit picking, or where there are no paper rounds and there are no elderly/busy people who could do with a hand with the garden/whatever?

Of course the jobs exist but they go to people over 16! Why employ a 14 year old when there are loads of people over age 16 looking for work, particularly when there are restrictions on when/how long they can work for.

ferrier · 12/06/2018 09:27

Not always easy to get a job at that age. We found it impossible round here. Tried all the suggestions above.

Perfectly1mperfect · 12/06/2018 09:40

Sorry but where are these areas where no one needs a babysitter, or has cars, no fruit picking, or where there are no paper rounds and there are no elderly/busy people who could do with a hand with the garden/whatever?

Well I wouldn't leave my children with a 14 year old 'babysitter'.
We have had kids come round with a bucket asking to wash cars, 2 of my neighbours cars ended up scratched as the kids got tiny bits of grit/gravel in the water. The cars were not really clean at the end either.Other neighbours wouldn't let these kids even try.
There is definitly no fruit picking around where I live, hardly any paper rounds, no free papers etc.
In my experience many elderly people have their own family to help for free or have proper carers and wouldn't want to pay a 14 year old.
Cafes have too many 16+ year olds wanting work that they wouldn't even consider hiring a 14 year old.

We live in a city. It's just not that easy for under 16's to get jobs. I am nearly 40 and it was the same for me. I got a Saturday job in a shop at 16 but there were not really any options before that. I suppose there were more paper rounds. My FIL now subscribes to his newspapers online, so doesn't need them delivered. Times have changed.

GorgonLondon · 12/06/2018 09:41

from 13-15 I did

  • paper round
  • leaflet distribution
  • envelope stuffing
  • babysitting
  • filing and data entry (for parents/parents' friends)
  • kids' parties for younger siblings of friends

My sister did none of these as she 'didn't have the confidence' and my mum supported her to do nothing. She is now in her late 30s and still lives with my mum and does nothing!!!

Be warned Grin

Kezzie200 · 12/06/2018 09:46

If jobs have disappeared then let her do household chores for it. Create one for her. She needs to learn the value of money - you haven't currently made a mistake but you could start to now if this isn't nipped in the bud. She is probably being a stroppy teen but has to grow out of that at some stage - may as well be now

Here all kids work from a young age but, I appreciate, location makes a huge difference. However, by just asking around, it can be amazing what is available if she doesn't want to work "for you".

Gretol · 12/06/2018 09:54

My dcs did sport on a Saturday and some had school. Wouldn't dream of making them get a job at 14.

We are rural with no public transport so I would have to drive and collect them from any job. Dd1 is 18 and has been driving since 17 and got a job in a pub then a supermarket. Amazingly she's very self reliant despite not having a paper round at 13Wink

StaplesCorner · 12/06/2018 10:13

I think what we really need is for the Government to change the rules around employing kids, after all, what with all these 12, 13 and 14 year olds earning so much - AND above the minimum wage as it is and all - get them taxed on it and get rid of all that crap about protection in employment for young people. Then there's be lots of paper rounds and vegetables to be chopped and kids could buy their own stuff. That'll learn 'em.

Original poster
TokenBritPoshOfCourse · 12/06/2018 10:39

She’s not getting a job.

She already washes up alternate nights, keep her room spotless, does bits of fetching and carrying for me. In exchange for this she gets pocket money and a phone contract, plus occasional bit of cash to go into town or out with friends.

She’s only just 14 btw rather than nearly 15 if it makes a difference. She’s rude and stroppy and we clash, but she’s also kind and sweet and diligent with school and chores.

She’s still not getting a brand new phone though Grin

OP posts:
CosyLulu · 12/06/2018 10:40

When I were a lass I worked down pit 24 hours a day, ate coal and slept in a bucket.

OP, your dd should try that for a while, that’ll learn her!

BarbarianMum · 12/06/2018 10:52
Gretol · 12/06/2018 10:58

Yes I'm sure they would have liked more money to buy clothes but they managed without quite happily. I can't think of a single job they could have done at 14 tbh that wasn't exploitative. But as others have said all areas are different.

Gretol · 12/06/2018 11:01

And, selfishly, I enjoyed watching them play football or hockey when they were 14. I'd have much preferred that than knowing they were working for a pittance somewhere. I didn't even give pocket money! They got bunged 20 every now and again.

SpringerLink · 12/06/2018 11:01

I would really recommend reading a book called Raising Human Beings by Ross Greene.

It might help you to find better ways to talk to and listen to your DD. All children are different, some are harder to get on with than others.

Dungeondragon15 · 12/06/2018 11:04

It's not about making them. It's about them realising that, if they want/need more money/things than you're prepared to give, then they have to and are able to earn it.

They're not able to earn it in many parts of the country nowadays if they are under 16. That's just the way so no point in harking back to what you used to do last century.

BarbarianMum · 12/06/2018 11:28

Sorry but I think that's bollocks. Which parts of the country exactly.

Gretol · 12/06/2018 11:36

We live rurally, with no public transport. Any job at 14 would have meant me or dh driving them there and picking them up which would have impacted on all of us at the weekend.
there are no paper rounds
no shops
one pub (17+ only)
the odd family who require babysitting who don't want a clueless 14 year old
people with horses who want the occasional helper - there are loads of older, more experienced people around to do this

As I have said before, once they can drive they have lots of options . Not having a job at 14 hasn't been a barrier to getting on with life at 18.

And if I'm honest, I dont particurlarly think its that beneficial. I'd rather they were playing sport, revising and having fun with their mates than working at 14. Childhood is short enough as it is. They've got years of shitty jobs ahead of them!!

Bashun · 12/06/2018 11:38

Speak with her immediately and let her know there won't be apologizing! She is 14 and out of her place as a child! Stomping around??? Why would you have even allowed her to raise her voice to you to DEMAND an apology? A smack to the head would be the response.Dont listen to people that have given their children all the power in their homes. They are fools. Assert your power now and in no uncertain terms. It's not going to get easier when she "demands" you do something two years from now when she's 16!

Gretol · 12/06/2018 11:45

Bashun a smack to the head?

simmer down

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