I have gone very very wrong somewhere with DD.

[TokenBritPoshOfCourse]

I am mortified. Dd is 14. Last year I got her and ds1 (15) an iPhone SE each, which happened to be the same phone I had.

She broke hers within a month. I paid for it to be repaired and she broke it again (dropped it both times).

DH upgraded his android phone so she was given his old handset (Samsung galaxy). She has done nothing but moan about it really, the camera is ‘shit’, she can’t download stuff she wants, it’s not an iPhone. We have pulled her up on this every time btw.

I have upgraded my phone and the new one (iPhone 8) arrived this morning. DD was hovering wanting to know what the parcel was and I said, ooh, you’ll be happy because this means you’ll have an iPhone again. She rapidly cycled through thinking I meant the new phone was for her, to realising I meant she could have my old one, to hysterical tears and then utter rage at me.

She has stamped her way around the house yelling that I need to apologise to her because I led her to believe she was getting a new iPhone, that it’s not fair I get a brand new phone and she gets my cast offs, that I’m out of order for getting myself a new phone when mine still works and that she deserves a new one before me.

I just don’t know where to go from here. Obviously she isn’t now getting my ‘old’ phone. I am disgusted by her attitude but I don’t know how to fix this. DH wants to take her phone away entirely, and her laptop, camera, tv etc. She is totally spoilt and entitled and I don’t really know what to do. For context ds1 and ds2 (6) have all the same mod cons but a totally different attitude.

Any suggestions on how to deal with this? She’s been sent to her room but is still raging that I need to apologise to her for ‘leading her on’ thinking she was getting a new iPhone 8.

I would take all her devices off her too. Let her earn them back one by one (or not), for showing good behaviour (not acting like an imature brat)

What @BossWitch said plus if she starts the 'I need a phone for emergencies' bs (how on earth did we survive without them!!!) tell her to google phone box - she can use that if there is an 'emergency'!

She cant be trusted with an iPhone. iPhones break if a bit of wind touches them. She will break your spare phone soon enough. I wouldn't let her have a iPhone, let her stick with Samsung (after her punishment).

The best solution to phone issues in our house - not that my DDs ever acted like yours in that situation in our house shed have no phone - both our DDs supply their own phone if they wanted anything other than the free Samsung that came with the original contract. They both have iPhones which cost them several 100 pounds that they bought from their Saturday job earnings. And guess what when they’ve worked hard. The phones last a lot longer.

In your situation i take her phone off her and tell her to sort her own one out.

Lots of people mentioning Saturday jobs etc. She’s 14. The only thing she could potentially do is babysitting and to be quite honest I don’t think she’s ready for that, she bickers horribly with ds2 and her cousins (all around 4-8) so I wouldn’t feel at all comfortable.

She does chores for cash but that tops up her pocket money. And it would take her literally years to save for a phone.

If I had broken such an expensive item as a teen, repeatedly, and I wanted a replacement item of even more expense - my mum would have made me sell something, do a car boot sale with her of all my old stuff, save up my birthday and Christmas money etc

Not just, oh here’s my old one. AGAIN. Crack on.

I love that sticking with a Samsung is considered slumming it. 😂

Plenty of jobs a 14 year old can do. My two have both worked in a cafe since 13. Nearly all their friends have jobs - hotels, cafes, pubs and old people’s homes seem the most popular.

The Samsung I was referring to was a very cheap small one. Not one of the better ones.

No way should she be getting your phone now.

A lot of people making excuses for her "teen" behavior. She still understands the meaning of respect and this is beyond disrespect and no excuse for it.

I would give her a basic old phone just to make and receive calls and agree with DH and take everything away from her.

Then she can earn her own iPhone or you can set chores in place to earn back your old one.

No one should be that entitled and demanding whether your a "teen" or not.

An important part of a teenager ‘having’ a part time job is ‘finding’ a part time job themselves. It’s not your place to sort the job out for her, decide whether she’s capable of doing it or any other aspect.

It’s up to them to do the leg work and realise what’s required, what’s on offer etc.

For all this to happen there needs to be some incentive. That includes you as her parents not automatically providing everything she demands asks for. Teenage years are a big transitional time for them and their parents. This means parents demonstrating by their own behaviours how to handle disappointment, frustration and to help their teens learn more patience, independent thinking and self-reliance.

This can really only be achieved through firm boundaries, incremental punishments and clear, calm and consistent communications. Do not underestimate how much energy it takes, but always remember that it’s worth putting in the effort now rather than laying up trouble for yourself further down the road, when it will take even more time and energy to deal with.

Noone would buy an iPhone SE for £550 or 600 privately.hmm

I'm not on about iPhone SE's.

She's 14, she can't get a job!
And I wouldn't want my 14 year old to be working instead of concentrating on school. Too much too young imo.

Is there enough relatives she can get paid to do car cleaning for?
Or grass cutting.
Something simple and less time consuming and safer for her.

But yes you should take away her gadgets!

Remove all the goodies, she’s needs to earn them. She needs to understand that life is not easy and to respect and look after what she’s given, she wants something, she earns it. She’s old enough to get a job, and find out how hard it is to earn £12, and how long it will take her to save for a shiny new iPhone.

You've not gone wrong with her - she needs to be pulled up on it. Give her no more phones - she needs to get a job to pay for anything she wants (credit, calls etc). Hopefully then she won't drop it so much and understand why her interpretation of your comment was in error, and why iphone 8's don't just fall through a letterbox into her lap.

I completely agree with MachineBee she needs to find the job

Putting an advert in local shops for the elderly without Internet, put advert on local FB page, go round local businesses .......

Unless you live in the middle of nowhere -

There are lots of people who would pay a 14 year old to ......

Wash neighbour's cars
Walk neighbour's dogs
Weed garden or cut grass for neighbour
Babysitting (although you say she isn't ready yet)
Washing up/serving in local cafe
Delivering newspapers or leaflets from pizza or takeaway places
Old people homes - helping in kitchens
Sweeping hair up in hairdressers and making cups of tea/coffee
Working in a shop (stacking shelves)

There was a MNetter a couple of weeks ago who was going to pay £40 to some 14 year olds to wait at a party (they behaved like entitled spoilt brats and didn't work just played on their phones and ignored requests to get off their phones so didn't get the full £40)

• she could get a job like that and as long as she was respectful and actually did the work she was employed to do, she could earn quite a bit of money over a year

Also self respect

Yes if she was working for somebody outside of the house it would take her a while to earn the money for a new phone but that is the whole point - she needs to learn that in RL you have to save up for things or just think you can live on loans with high % interest rates

It depends what kind of relationship you want to encourage between her and money - get everything now and pay it off in the future with huge interest % or work and save for things when she has enough money (this will give her more respect for her possessions)

And yes dragon mummy she can get a job from age 13-14 in the UK, but obviously not full time. My kids did and they found the positions themselves, didn’t affect their grades or achieving places at university, and looked great on their cvs when they went into full time employment.

I’m a single parent, bringing up kids is hard, teaching your children to respect how hard you have to work for things is a life skill that they need, and something schools don’t teach.

I really don't believe that 14 year olds spend their whole weekends doing school work

Getting a Saturday or Sunday job does not stop them from doing school work

Well said Tattybear16

I'm also a bit confused about people being worried that Saturday jobs affect school work - that's the whole point, it's just a few hours on a Saturday!!

Before I was 16 i had done a bit of:
Washed up and cleared tables in a cafe
Variety of paper rounds, sometimes before school but mostly just Sunday mornings
Chopped up and prepared food in the kitchen of a food kiosk
'Professionally' cleaned some relatives homes (ie replaced their cleaner)
Walked neighbours dogs
Helped look after people's horses
Looked after various pets while owners were on holiday
Baby sat

I can't imagine those types of jobs have all disappeared!? And it never affected my school work but has made me the hardworking person I am I think and sensible with money....

I was the sort of child to phone up a cafe or shop and say I'm hardworking and would like a Saturday job, do you know of any opportunities. Or phone up my uncle and offer to clean his house for half the price he currently pays..... Or see an elderly neighbour shuffling along with their dog and ask if they would like me to take it out for them sometimes.

I don't think you have gone complelty wrong with her she is only 14 that's how teenages behave sometimes similar to what robotcartrainhat said she is still learning how to behave and control her emotions the problem is phones are seen as a status symbol at school and connected so much with their social standing my partner is a teacher and he says the problems the phones cause is quite amazing. Saying this however I do agree she has been a bit out of line. I know some people are saying get a job but I know this can be quite difficult at 14, I am from London and I know it's hard maybe not impossible for kids to get work as there is quite alot of demand for unskilled work. Maybe some volunteer work would be a good idea as it might make her appreciate things a little more. I think it is good to have internet free time for the whole family ( easier said than done we all love our phones!). I agree that perhaps a punishment that's obviously up to you to decide as perants. Good luck I am just really happy I am not growing up with social media and phones must add a whole extra ellement to a very difficult time.

Well done on sorting it out TokenBrit

I’m quite sickened by how insulting some PPs have been on this thread and how much there seems to be a love of punishing, almost a sadistic pleasure in being as nasty as possible to a confused 14-year-old.

I have a 16-year-old and she’s had a v tough teenagerhood. I am generally trying to show her love and kindness to help her through it. I don’t know how many people here have PMS but that state of emotion is how it feels to be a teenager but x 100 at times. Can you imagine having a PMT rage and being punished for it?

Teenagers are in a psychological confused mess. Why make it worse for them?

The people who think it easy to get a job at age 14 either don't actually have teenage children or they live in areas where there are plenty of jobs and not much competition. Where I live there is no chance of a job under the age of 16 as there is so much competition from over 16s, including university students and there are no tourists etc so no increase in jobs even in summer.

The ones advising draconian measures, either haven't got children or they will be a type of nightmare parent who will feature in the "Stately Homes" thread in years to come.

The people suggests that the DD doesn't need a mobile because she can use a pay phone are still live in the last century. I live in a city and there are hardly any payphones anywhere that actually work.

I’m with the husband. Take it all away and sit her down and tell her she can ‘earn’ bits back with an attitude adjustment and hard work. Point out that you two have to work hard to get things you want and it’s disgusting that she’s taking it for granted so you think she needs to experience actually earning what she gets.

I can't imagine those types of jobs have all disappeared!?

They have in many areas for the under 16s. Things change over the years, believe it or not.