I have gone very very wrong somewhere with DD.

[TokenBritPoshOfCourse]

I am mortified. Dd is 14. Last year I got her and ds1 (15) an iPhone SE each, which happened to be the same phone I had.

She broke hers within a month. I paid for it to be repaired and she broke it again (dropped it both times).

DH upgraded his android phone so she was given his old handset (Samsung galaxy). She has done nothing but moan about it really, the camera is ‘shit’, she can’t download stuff she wants, it’s not an iPhone. We have pulled her up on this every time btw.

I have upgraded my phone and the new one (iPhone 8) arrived this morning. DD was hovering wanting to know what the parcel was and I said, ooh, you’ll be happy because this means you’ll have an iPhone again. She rapidly cycled through thinking I meant the new phone was for her, to realising I meant she could have my old one, to hysterical tears and then utter rage at me.

She has stamped her way around the house yelling that I need to apologise to her because I led her to believe she was getting a new iPhone, that it’s not fair I get a brand new phone and she gets my cast offs, that I’m out of order for getting myself a new phone when mine still works and that she deserves a new one before me.

I just don’t know where to go from here. Obviously she isn’t now getting my ‘old’ phone. I am disgusted by her attitude but I don’t know how to fix this. DH wants to take her phone away entirely, and her laptop, camera, tv etc. She is totally spoilt and entitled and I don’t really know what to do. For context ds1 and ds2 (6) have all the same mod cons but a totally different attitude.

Any suggestions on how to deal with this? She’s been sent to her room but is still raging that I need to apologise to her for ‘leading her on’ thinking she was getting a new iPhone 8.

Get her an otter box for when you give her the phone back in about a months time

Your daughter I'm sorry to say is the end product of your parenting.
Shameful and disgraceful behaviour.
Take absolutely everything away from her and tell her if she wants anything now she can get a weekend job and pay for it herself.

WHAT?

This is unreal. Do you have teens? If you do - dear God. How on earth-

Being a teenager is a difficult part of life. They're being treated like children in areas they're like adults and being treated like adults in areas they're like children. They have a lot of sudden hormones running through their system. Everything is getting more serious. Their bodies are changing. It's not fun.

OP, you haven't failed as a parent because your teen was irrational about something, especially something important to her. Both my teens had a stroppy stage. They grow out of it.

To debase yourself by confiscating all of her technology - thus stooping to her level - is a slippery slope to a complete lack of respect and a damaged relationship. Painting your teen as shameful and disgraceful because she is going through a bad stage is awful and damaging.

Please don't listen to the advice you're getting that's like this. I've seen the real life effects. It's horrifying.

Given you have brought both up the same I would wonder what else is going on for her. Often as parents we have no idea. Maybe have a chat another time when neither of you is upset.

Also, everyone saying she should get a job - it's very difficult for a 14 yo. Sixteen is really the age to start job hunting right now.

My 16yo got an (old - iPhone6) as a hand me down as a birthday present. To be entitled to this he had to put up with an old style (but new when bought) Nokia - a brick phone as they’re called - for 5!! Years without losing or breaking it.

My 13yo knows full well right now that he might never get one till he can buy it himself, he’s lost and/it broken brick phones! The Nokia’s that I got them where only a fiver to buy. If she carries on ... I’d downgrade her to a brick phone tbh.

My 16yo is SEN and still gets that he is lucky to even have an old hand me down iPhone.

Good luck!

Do paper rounds still exist? Genuine question!

Have had this battle with my youngest when he was a bit older than your daughter. I told him he needed to get a job to pay for a phone if he wanted such items. He got a paper round. If she is not old enough she will need to earn the money to pay for a pay as you go herself doing jobs around the house. If she doesn't complete the jobs, she gets no pay. I had a real battle with my son and used to beat myself up about it. When he got his own place he was actually man enough to tell me that he can now appreciate why I was hard on him with money. She will come good, just needs to learn a few harsh life lessons.

My DD1 had a few 'moments' that left me with my eyebrows raised so high, they disappeared into my hair when she was a teenager.

Not with things like phones, we were so broke that any phone was appreciated - in fact ANYTHING I got her was appreciated because she knew I'd made sacrifices to get her it.

But I do remember one particular day when she came in from school aged 14. Asked me what was for dinner. I told her it was pork chops and she threw the world's biggest strop because 'you know I hate pork chops, you are just trying to starve me! It's abuse!'. I just handed her the phone and suggested she ring Childline because they are very hot on child abuse and would be very interested in her coming in from school to a hot meal.

At which point she actually laughed because she knew she was being ridiculous. She had had a rough day and took it out on me (and the dinner).

I'm not sure what the answer is in your case. Definitely take some time to talk to her when she's calmed down and speak to her about peer pressure and how keeping up with everyone else isn't really that important in the great scheme of things. Ask her WHY it's so important to her that she has an iPhone. And if she ways it's because everyone else has one, ask her what difference does it make? Would her friends still be her friends without one? Do they value her friendship because of the kind person she is or because she has a status symbol?

Teenage years are hard to navigate and all teens are different. Mine was dreadful between 13 and 15 but seemed to improve after that and is now a functioning adult. The second one is 13 this year and has autism and I know the next few years will be tough but with different challenges ahead.

Keeping calm, and letting them rant is important. Then talking to them when they have shouted/cried and are calm. They are just trying to fit into their world and can get very upset over minor things very easily.
But please don't cave in on the phone. Let her learn her lesson on this one. Because she will know you mean it when you threaten things in future and that's the toughest thing for you to do, hold your ground and don't cave in to the tantrums.

They've cancelled all the paper rounds in my area Miladamer

I feel like ErthaKitty is going to turn out to the governments youth Tsar or something worrying like that! Ertha I think you need to have stuff taken away from you until you sort your attitude out!

The only thing you’ve done wrong is to buy her such expensive stuff in the first place.

Why don’t you tell her she can earn pocket money doing odd jobs for you around the house and when she’s earned £100 she can decide whether or not she wants to buy it off you?

Weekend jobs for 14-year-olds, yeah, those are abundant.

Paper rounds. LOL. It's 2018, people.

Thank god expat is here, common sense this way everyone, over here. Ertha - not you love.

When I was 14 I earned money doing the ironing, washing the car, feeding the neighbours’ cats when they went on holiday, and babysitting.

The OP’s daughter could do any of those things, and plenty more. No need for a paper round (which do still exist, btw) or a national insurance number.

Sorry but kids are so entitled and spilt today. Broken a brand new iPhone twice. On your bike little girl which is what she is. If she is actually acting like this then I'd be further concerned to how she treats others out of your home and I'd be monitoring her social media. If I had done that my mother would have punished me more than just taking all technology away. Your husband is right take her shit away and 3 months ban. And also sell your phone and buy something for you. Just to add my 6 year old had a tantrum yesterday because I wouldn't buy her the whole pound shop and carried it on to astay I abandoned my shopping and cancelled her 7th birthday party because although I live and would die for her in ripped my vagina apart drug free to bring her into the world and she is not treating me like shit. That's a 6 year old learning crap behaviour has consequences. You can still showing live whilst discipline is applied.

Don't apologise...make it clear that of course you did not mean she was getting an iPhone 8 when she has broken two oblivious to the consequences. Stick to your guns or she will find life very hard when it doesn't go her way.
To put it in perspective I, an adult (apparently) have, in the past 2yrs lost an uninsured iPhone 6 then broken an LG G5, so am currently cheerfully using my old iPhone which I had given to my sister as I can happily wait a few more months til I get a new phone.
Stay firm maybe work out household chores to do to earn back your old phone.
I'd still let her do any homework required on laptop maybe supervised by you but no social media.

Your daughter I'm sorry to say is the end product of your parenting
Yes, of course, peers have NO influence at all

“She is definitely being a brat, but I think your words when opening a brand new iPhone in front of a teenager were very thoughtless. Sorry. Of course she thought it was for her.”

I agree. She’s being awful, but you did, in her words, “lead her on”, albeit unintentionally.

14 year olds can look for babysitting work, gardening work, wash cars, deliver leaflets. Quite a few round here earn money that way.

I made it very clear to my son, you break / lose iPhone, you get a new one. I’ll give him a brick as a temporary replacement.

Just stick to it.

My son recently sorted out repairing his all by himself with his own money and got better protection. I was amazed!

Don't beat yourself up about DD's attitude; you've raised two other children who do not behave in that way, so you must be doing something right.
I'm with your DH on this one - remove all of her gadgets until she starts behaving decently.
If a sincere apology is forthcoming, let her have things back, one item at a time, conditional on good behaviour.

Maybe she's just having a bad day. Maybe she's got PMT. Maybe she's got tensions in her life at school. It's not easy being a 14 year old girl and learning to manage your feelings and hormones. I would give her the benefit of the doubt and be kind. Say that you're sorry she thought the new one was for her and explain that she is getting your old one so at least she'll have an iphone. Show her kindness and she will show you kindness back ... eventually!

Bloody heck, I'm of the iPhone/social media hell generation but this makes my skin crawl. Does she understand how much these devices cost??! Tell her how long it would take for someone on minimum wage to save £1,000 and then maybe she won't develop a snobby attitude towards something she's never worked for.

My single mum was on a low income so I had a cheap Android until I was 17 and I remember people in my school complaining that they had an old version of the iPhone, I was disgusted to say the least and understood that not only did my mum not have the money but equally she didn't 'owe' me anything- especially not something as materialistic as a bloody iPhone. You need to nip this in the bud and don't buy her anything else anymore. 14 is old enough to save up from birthday money, weekend job, Etc.

Hormones cause clumsiness in teenage girls. That's why they drop things and break things.

I haven't rft but there was some great advice on page 1! She's 14 and being a bit bratty. It will pass and it's not really that big a deal. Someone on pg1 commented that she's probably a bit disappointed (thought the new phone was for her) and then a bit cross and overwhelmed.
Punish her a little for the strop but I wouldn't go overboard. The baying to take away all her tech is silly, you'd end up with a hugely resentful girl then.
When I was younger I threw such a strop over not being allowed 2 biscuits at once I nearly lost the end of my finger (door slam injury) and I think I've still turned out ok