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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

exH says he’s doing the party next year and I’m not invited

120 replies

Mooey89 · 09/06/2018 16:53

Long story short, EXH is a cunt. Physically emotionally abusive, separated since he strangled me when DS was 6months.

Ridiculously controlling, still abusive, but since court, lots of good boundaries now in place.

Have order that DS lives with me, with Dad every other weekend. DS is nearly 5 now.
I’m the early days, I tried to include him in party plans. The first year he agreed to split the cost then never turned up or paid.
After that I just arranged myself but his parents always came and he was also told when where and could have come, he has never come to a single party.

This year, I’ve arranged it (later this month) again, he can come if he wants, grandparents will be there, however he won’t come as says it’s uncomfortable for him to have to be in the room with me. I couldn’t care less but our son will I’m sure.

Anyway. Just had a message (via MIL as no direct contact) ‘next year, I will be organising the party. We have joint rights so it is my turn. You will not be welcome. We whave op be taking it in turns from now on’

Obviously this WILL NOT be happening, but how the fucking fuck am I supposed to fucking continue with this CUNT for the next 13 years?!

I’m not being unreasonable am I? Or am I and I’m too blinded by hatred to see it?

OP posts:
MyOtherUsernameisaPun · 09/06/2018 16:56

He does sound like a total arsehole and I don't envy you dealing with him.

That said, does it harm you if he does parties on alternate years? You can still do something with your DS for your birthday if you would like to.

I totally understand why you're annoyed and upset because his message was so rude and unnecessary and he isn't affording you the same respect you gave him. I just don't know if this is a battle worth picking for you?

BottleOfJameson · 09/06/2018 16:57

God he sounds bloody awful OP Flowers.

Definitely do not rise to it! He sounds so bloody useless he probably won't even bother arranging the party. If he does nothing can stop you arranging another one. Ignoring him will drive him mad as he'll have no power of you. I wouldn't respond at all.

amyddss · 09/06/2018 17:00

Just let him. Don't bite to him, probably just wants a reaction out of you. If he wants to do that tell him to get on with it and you plan something separately. He sounds like a dick to be fair.

Hobbes8 · 09/06/2018 17:00

The big parties tend to die off after about aged 5 or 6 anyway. My boy is nearly 7 and the trend this school year has been to take a handful of kids to the cinema or bowling or something, or maybe have a sleepover (if the parents are brave/foolish enough).

I know that’s not the point....but at least this is a battle you won’t have to have.

KataraJean · 09/06/2018 17:00

Yes, just ignore this.

You are a better person than me, I would be doing something for DS and his friends and not inviting him or grandparents!

lynzpynz · 09/06/2018 17:02

Just keep organising your parties as normal, if he wants to throw an extra one let him crack on. Child benefits from the extra party but also normality from what they’re used to and he loses any attempt at controlling you. Party he’s throwing will also be on his allocated weekend with child of course!

qwertyuiopy · 09/06/2018 17:04

You can both have parties. Just continue as you have been.

MaireadMacSweeney · 09/06/2018 17:05

As BottleOfJameson said, don't respond and just arrange your own party and invite who you want to be there.

When my children were small they had two parties for their birthdays, one for family and another for their friends and mine. I didn't spend a lot of money on food, just snacks and a home made cake - and we had lots of fun. Your ex does not dictate when and if you hold parties and probably won't go to the trouble of arranging one, he's just being a dick Flowers

SandyY2K · 09/06/2018 17:05

You do a party for DS as well. He can do what he likes...silly man.

HarryLovesDraco · 09/06/2018 17:05

You do the party and he can also do a party if he really wants to. Are birthdays and Christmas etc in the order? Do you have to alternate or is it just whoever's weekend they happen to fall on?
Anyway, yes he's a cunt, ignore and carry on Flowers

NewYearNewMe18 · 09/06/2018 17:06

Does he have access to the school friends list ?

Witchend · 09/06/2018 17:06

Send him a message.

"That's wonderful. I find them so stressful. Thank you so much".

He won't know how to take that. Grin

Original poster
Mooey89 · 09/06/2018 17:06

You’re right.
He doesn’t do any school drop offs/pick ups so doesn’t know any children/parents and couldn’t give out invitations etc anyway, but if he could can you imagine the AIBU?!

‘Child at DS’s school is having two parties, one week apart. AIBU to think the parents are CF who want two presents?’ 😂

OP posts:
HarryLovesDraco · 09/06/2018 17:08

And stop inviting him to anything to do with you for the love of god. As someone raising a kid with an unreasonable twat I promise you, all the effort you make to shield the kid from the ex's crapness and pretend you are friendly for his sake will turn to shit the longer it goes on and the older the kid gets.

My kid can see perfectly well that his dad and I aren't friends, he gets that we do things for his sake and he appreciates that we don't tear strips off each other but there is really no need for us to be spending time together.
Just live your life and don't try to manage his contact. Let him do what he wants as long as it doesn't harm the kid and you do the same.

Inertia · 09/06/2018 17:08

You organise a party, he can organise another party. Your child has two parties.

Given that he strangled you, is there any kind of safeguard in place for your child during contact visits?

LARLARLAND · 09/06/2018 17:08

I would love that. I always hated organising my dc’s birthday parties.

Singlenotsingle · 09/06/2018 17:09

He won't do it. Too much bother, too much hassle and expense! He wouldn't know where to begin, or what food to get. He's just saying that to wind you up!

Original poster
Mooey89 · 09/06/2018 17:09

Yes, alternate christmas’, both parents spend time with child on birthdays.

And yes will 100% be arranging a party too! It just annoys me, he’s never bothered to have so much as a birthday trip to the park let alone a fucking party!

Arrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh

OP posts:
bluemascara · 09/06/2018 17:09

Just ignore him
It probably won't even happen
You are your ds can do something nice together
Fuck him, he wounds like a wank

Original poster
Mooey89 · 09/06/2018 17:11

@Inertia
Absolutely no safeguards in place for DS.
CAFCASS did not consider him a risk.
That is a whole other thread.

OP posts:
EggysMom · 09/06/2018 17:11

From the horror threads I've read on MumsNet about parties - "nobody replies to the RSVP" - "they want to bring siblings" - one-up-manship - I think you are dodging a bullet by letting him handle parties every other year Smile Let him crack on. Help your son to understand that, from now on, you are taking it in turns; and that when Dad is organising the party, you will do something special with him that year on a 1-1 basis (eg theme park).

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 09/06/2018 17:12

I agree with pp. The only response is to greet the suggestion with enthusiasm. He really won't want all the grief of organising a party.

When you're about 5 weeks out you can send the message that DS wants to know what his party will be. Have a back up plan ready to put into action when the message comes back that actually he's doing bugger all.

Whatever his plans (or non plans more likely) make sure your DS knows that Daddy would like a turn to organise a party but you have a special birthday plan too, a day out with a friend ? A trip to the cinema and pizza with you and a friend or two?

Frequency · 09/06/2018 17:14

My ex used to do something similar, facilitated by his sister who would allow him to throw huge, fancy parties at her big house. They'd invite all their family and friends and none of mine or DDs. I, especially, was not invited. I'd do my own thing with her, DD would invite him and his family and I always totally ignored them allowed them to attend.

DD turned 11 this year. She refused to go to their party and said she was already having one at home with her cousins and school friends.

expatinscotland · 09/06/2018 17:15

What Eggys said.

ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 09/06/2018 17:15

Let your ex throw the party...he's probably saying it hoping for a reaction...send a thumbs up, smiley face emoji along with , ok, that sounds fair...

And then let him throw the party...and also plan a party yourself (throw it just before or just after ex party) and invite your child's friends to your party...your ex can't stop you throwing a party too...so don't let it worry you