exH says he’s doing the party next year and I’m not invited

[Mooey89]

Long story short, EXH is a cunt. Physically emotionally abusive, separated since he strangled me when DS was 6months.

Ridiculously controlling, still abusive, but since court, lots of good boundaries now in place.

Have order that DS lives with me, with Dad every other weekend. DS is nearly 5 now.
I’m the early days, I tried to include him in party plans. The first year he agreed to split the cost then never turned up or paid.
After that I just arranged myself but his parents always came and he was also told when where and could have come, he has never come to a single party.

This year, I’ve arranged it (later this month) again, he can come if he wants, grandparents will be there, however he won’t come as says it’s uncomfortable for him to have to be in the room with me. I couldn’t care less but our son will I’m sure.

Anyway. Just had a message (via MIL as no direct contact) ‘next year, I will be organising the party. We have joint rights so it is my turn. You will not be welcome. We whave op be taking it in turns from now on’

Obviously this WILL NOT be happening, but how the fucking fuck am I supposed to fucking continue with this CUNT for the next 13 years?!

I’m not being unreasonable am I? Or am I and I’m too blinded by hatred to see it?

You just text back 'thank you that would be great, DS has really missed you not being at any of his parties over the last 4 years'

We know it's never going to happen!

I wouldn't be inviting pil

Agreed. As a MIL I would have refused to pass on that message. Even if I hated you and thought everything in the world was your fault,
I would still have refused to pass it on.

If it comes to pass that exh does actually organise a party, then they can go to that one. And you can have his birthday 'get-together' with his friends and your family. He'll already be having his 'birthday party' that his father has organised, that they'll go to. So no point them coming to your birthday tea then, eh?

That's unless you rely on them for any childcare. Then you'd have to tread more carefully.

That's unless you rely on them for any childcare. Then you'd have to tread more carefully

Actually, I take that back. After passing that message on from their son, they could stick their childcare up their arse.

I would be so tempted to call his bluff and reply with a very enthusiastic 'Brilliant, you could do the next 5 if you want, just to catch up' and totally take the sting out of his tail!

It can't be that unusual though for seperated parents to each do something?

No, it's not. I have a couple of friends who do this for their childrens' birthdays. But they do it in a friendly, non-combative, and co-operative way. OP's exh seems to want to make it into an argument.

(Don't let him, OP!!)

My ex always used to come to parties and I always found it quite stressful. It was a relief when the parties changed, aged about 6/7 to smaller affairs with just a small number of kids and he no longer came.

Just let him get on with it. I would do the small party thing anyway from now on - cinema/pizza or film night/sleepover type thing. Let him try his hand at the bigger stressful ones! He must have no idea of what's involved. I can't imagine anyone in their right mind "insisting" on organising a kids party

As for a reply, I would acknowledge it but just with something bland and innocuous like "ok".

He won’t know her friends and she will get wise to auntie June’s kids being their every year eventually she will want her friends and this is were it all falls down

It is a bit off that the MIL passed on such an antagonistic message to you, is there any chance that she was wanting to have a party at her house and put the thought in his head? Is she reasonable to deal with in general?

"OP's exh seems to want to make it into an argument."

Oh yes I realise that.

And he is trying to be antagonistic-"I will organise the party"

Well yes, bully for you & Op can organise what she wants-which doesn't have to be a party with school friends (in the unlikely event that he does do that)

As it is, Op knows her son's friends & their parents so she would likely find out if any were invited/where/when.

Let him crack on. It won't happen.

What a massive bollock he is!

Send him a message

"That's wonderful. I find them so stressful. Thank you so much
I was about o post something similar.

'Great news! It'll save me the job! Thank you so much!

You'll be back to hosting the parties!

id tell him to crack on. Parties are expensive and stressful. Hes in for a shock. I bet he doesnt even bother, or expects you to facilitate getting invitations to people etc

I would honestly take no notice. Your XH probably won't want to put in the work needed to organise the party, and won't know who to invite without asking you. My DH is very keen to be involved, but nevertheless our DDs' birthday parties wouldn't happen if I didn't organise them.

Even if he does organise a party and doesn't include you, you can still do a party for her with her actual friends. He only sees her every other weekend, so he won't know who to invite.

I very much doubt that any party organised by him will happen.

Bit shit of MIL to pass on a message like that. Have you already invited ex in laws to this party or can you uninvite them? Usually by age 5 the family parties have stopped and you have a few years of large class parties before having smaller parties with good friends.
Not sure he’s really going to make good on this promise, my DH couldn’t and that’s living in the same house and listening to who the friends are and seeing them at sports practice etc. Pretty sure the only thing to worry about is how you’re being too inclusive and you should ditch all attempts at inviting your ex’s side of the family.

Branleuse my ex did. He sent invites home after a contact weekend with my DC. DC told me that Daddy wants you to send these out. I barely still saw some of the families. Life moves on after divorce. So in good faith, I gave out the ones I could. I then emailed ex and asked that he send me the details of the party so I could email or contact on facebook the remaining families. I never heard another word. I call that party the "Big FU party" - it was always about show, not the DC. He would rather have died than ask for my cooperation. And by the way I was not invited at all. This is non co-parenting that the family courts refuse to understand exists.

@OP
tell him ok while hoping he forgets then just do your party on the weekend closest to his birthday, or friday after school

By next year, your DS will surely have views on what he wants?

He certainly will in years to come so put that worry out of your mind for now OP.

Sorry you have a dick for an exH.

That party is never going to happen. He can sort his imaginary party out if he wants during his contact time, and you can crack on with the real party on your time. Good luck to him!

Isn't he charming? You missed a trick by the way. You know if you'd told him "DS is having a party. You will not be welcome" he'd have been the first one there...

Just don't help him plan the party you're not welcome at. And bear in mind he'll probably only invite his family, so you may want to still hold a little party with his friends/your family.

I must say, if my son asked me to pass on a message like that, I'd tell him to grow the fuck up.

So I think we can extrapolate that your exh is trying to push your buttons and stimulate an inflamed response.

Don't give him the satisfaction.

Don't answer at all. Don't respond.
And if there are further developments, consult MN.

This is a year away. No response required. Don't respond.

he probably won't be consistent. You are. Keep doing what you do.

Sounds like an awful man.

This sounds entirely like he is trying to provoke a reaction and upset you. Chances are he will not do a party next year if he’s not bothered to attend any previous. Maybe just message back, “OK”. Horrible for you though, having to deal with such an ar**.

I'd also text back 'Thank you, what an excellent idea! Feel free to throw one every year. DS will be delighted to have all his friends round'

Then ignore

I’m sorry you have had such a horrible time, at least you left him. It’s provocative nonesense, hopefully his impact on you will fade over time. Don’t invite him to a thing. If he wants to do the party, fine, I would just either not reply or say ‘fine’ to mil. But no further contact. No passing on invitations or details of other parents.

And then just do what you’ve always done, organize a lovely party. If his birthday happens to fall on exes weekend you’ll probably just have to let that happen, but have your own birthday celebrations and don’t get swayed at all. My Ex always made a big thing about having our son for his birthdays and Xmas etc even though I had 95% care, so I just do alternate and my son now older, has said a lot of his birthdays with his Dad were boring as he had none of his friends. I’ve always done a big birthday with him, even if it wasn’t the day, but as close as possible.