exH says he’s doing the party next year and I’m not invited

[Mooey89]

Long story short, EXH is a cunt. Physically emotionally abusive, separated since he strangled me when DS was 6months.

Ridiculously controlling, still abusive, but since court, lots of good boundaries now in place.

Have order that DS lives with me, with Dad every other weekend. DS is nearly 5 now.
I’m the early days, I tried to include him in party plans. The first year he agreed to split the cost then never turned up or paid.
After that I just arranged myself but his parents always came and he was also told when where and could have come, he has never come to a single party.

This year, I’ve arranged it (later this month) again, he can come if he wants, grandparents will be there, however he won’t come as says it’s uncomfortable for him to have to be in the room with me. I couldn’t care less but our son will I’m sure.

Anyway. Just had a message (via MIL as no direct contact) ‘next year, I will be organising the party. We have joint rights so it is my turn. You will not be welcome. We whave op be taking it in turns from now on’

Obviously this WILL NOT be happening, but how the fucking fuck am I supposed to fucking continue with this CUNT for the next 13 years?!

I’m not being unreasonable am I? Or am I and I’m too blinded by hatred to see it?

He is obviously never going to arrange a party, he's just trying to get at you.

And I think you are being too accomodating inviting him and his parents, given how bad his behaviour was.

I seem to be at odds with a lot of pps.

I would not answer at all. Answering would acknowledge that I had been slightly provoked. I would just not answer at all to such an aggressive and rude message.

It's going to be a year before the birthday parties even happen.
I'd just go ahead with mine and let him go ahead with his.

It's a really non-issue. It's not either,or. . .
The child will have two birthday celebrations. One with Dad, and one with Mum. Doesn't have to be a massive issue.
Maybe Mum's will have the most school chums and family around, but the child deserves to see his paternal family as well.

So. In answer to OP. Let him do it.

Because he won't.

Just reply "OK". Reaction is what he wants. Do something on a school night when he can't double book and put it on the invitation that if they receive an imvitation from his dad that you don't expect two presents.

What a non issue.
I wouldn't respond at all. So what if he wants to do a party next year? Surely you just continue on as you always have and if there IS another party next year, who really cares?

Personally, I find the obsession with a party every.single.year to be pretty weird anyway.

I wouldn’t rise to it in the slightest - merely okay it and then park it for a year. What I would do, however, is plan my own birthday celebration (maybe a ‘birthday tea’ type thing on DS’ actual birthday if you have him on that day, with your family/couple of friends) to ensure DS’ birthday actually gets celebrated, as if he’s as flakey and useless as he sounds, I wouldn’t count on his party ever coming to fruition.

My ex and I get along pretty well, help each other out, lend things to one another, advise each other, etc, etc. Not once have we had a birthday party for the kids where we both attend. They just have two separate celebrations. No biggie, bonus for them. Just tell him to do his own thing, and you do yours. Take the wind out of his sails and let him crack on.

That's wonderful. I find them so stressful. Thank you so much".

Yep great reply. Then organise whatever you fancy for ds birthday and let him get on with it..... or not!!

He sounds like a shit!

Sounds good!
He can organise a party for his side of the family and you can do what you like without having to consider any of them.
Make sure your family know that he is trying to exclude you.
He will be non the wiser when organise one for your family & DS's friends as usual.

If his mum mentions it again just say "I've never stopped him hosting his own party" and ignore.

Reply to his mother. Tell her you are disappointed that she felt the need to pass that message on. Remind her that her son has been welcome every year, as has she. Tell her plainly that you have never told any of them they are not welcome and, whilst you understand why he would want to send that message, you had no idea she too wanted to hurt you. Tell her that you won't be changing how you arrange birthday parties and that both she and her son will still be welcome, if they have the brass neck to come after that message.

And then stop trying... let her make the next move. If she and her son want to see DS they wil work it out somehow. But you don't have to make any first moves.

Yes, I have been there with my gs's dad (I'm a grandparent carer). Last minute demands for flight details etc and threats. Demands when he has the children abroad for extra weekends with the implication he will not return them. He remains and always will be a violent thug. I always thought he may get better as he got older, but I have to tell you he has not at all - a leopard never changes it's spots.

Your reaction is the same furious reaction I felt but leave it a few days to cool down. Ignore it and carry on as usual - if you want to arrange a party or trip out with some friends, then do so. He doesn't get to call the shots. Ignore him and do not respond.

I do question the behaviour of mil in all this. No matter how superficially friendly she may appear toward you, her son will always come first and she is facilitating his bullying behaviour. I think your behaviour has been impeccable op but it is time to distance yourself from pils to some degree. This demonstrates a lack of respect to you as their grandchild's mother.

He wont arrange a party, believe me. He is using this to upset, hurt and control you from a distance and your pil's should not be facilitating this. Learn from this one.

Your comment about how many bloody years you will have to put up with this rings so true as well op. Mine is coming to an end - months now rather than years. I don't see it as getting rid of him, because it will be my gs's choice. I see it as freedom for me.

If you are seeing your MIL at the party, make a big deal out of the fact you won’t be needing to do it next year!

If she loves your child she’ll start to get worried knowing damn well that her son won’t do anything. Make sure your parents or friends are near when you say something so they can add their tuppence

I wouldn’t bother responding as she’s / he not asked you a direct question and crack on with the birthday party next year too. If he does arrange it, then that’s great, your dc gets two parties. If he doesn’t (which I strongly think will be the case, my exh did these types of things and he never once did her a party) then your dc has the party you arranged.

Oh and simply stop inviting him to the things you arrange

@CuriousaboutSamphire

Tell her that you won't be changing how you arrange birthday parties and that both she and her son will still be welcome, if they have the brass neck to come after that message.

That would end, as far as I'm concerned, after that message. She should never have passed it on, should have told her son to grow the fuck up.

Neither would be invited to anything I organised, they could see DC on their own time and with their own effort.

Oh, I don't know Juells

With the 'brass neck' comment included they'll probably uninvite themselves. So OP can afford to pretend to take the high ground. Sometimes being blunt and then not a little PA can get the desired affect.

Ha ha you're right, I didn't realise you meant for the brass neck comment to be included. 😂

Let him do a party. I'm guessing he'll never do it again! They are a nightmare!

I get that's it's still hurtful/annoying/horrible that he felt the need to say " you aren't invited" and basically telling you how it is. But only if you are expecting any different to how you know he is. He's a dick and you know it. This is how a dick behaves. You need to treat him like a dick and not be inviting him to things you've organised or being o er accommodating.

It now totally works in your favour . None of his family including him need to be involved with your organising of DC's birthday celebrations.

I never had anything to do with ex or MiL after we split up, and never accommodated him in any way unless it suited either me or the DDs. I can't believe how nice some posters are here, makes me think I'm a monster 😂 But...once I'd had my nose rubbed in the fact that ex wasn't the lovely honourable man I'd assumed he was, all bets were off.

I wouldn't even bother responding, he's just looking for a reaction.

Generally as kids get older they don't do the whole class thing anyway so if he wants to do a separate bowling party or whatever then let him crack on with it.

From experience it'll probably never happen.