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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

exH says he’s doing the party next year and I’m not invited

120 replies

Mooey89 · 09/06/2018 16:53

Long story short, EXH is a cunt. Physically emotionally abusive, separated since he strangled me when DS was 6months.

Ridiculously controlling, still abusive, but since court, lots of good boundaries now in place.

Have order that DS lives with me, with Dad every other weekend. DS is nearly 5 now.
I’m the early days, I tried to include him in party plans. The first year he agreed to split the cost then never turned up or paid.
After that I just arranged myself but his parents always came and he was also told when where and could have come, he has never come to a single party.

This year, I’ve arranged it (later this month) again, he can come if he wants, grandparents will be there, however he won’t come as says it’s uncomfortable for him to have to be in the room with me. I couldn’t care less but our son will I’m sure.

Anyway. Just had a message (via MIL as no direct contact) ‘next year, I will be organising the party. We have joint rights so it is my turn. You will not be welcome. We whave op be taking it in turns from now on’

Obviously this WILL NOT be happening, but how the fucking fuck am I supposed to fucking continue with this CUNT for the next 13 years?!

I’m not being unreasonable am I? Or am I and I’m too blinded by hatred to see it?

OP posts:
Juells · 09/06/2018 17:15

That party will never happen. Have a back-up plan.

Tell MiL not to pass on abusive messages like that or lose contact with the GC

endofthelinefinally · 09/06/2018 17:15

Agree with pp.
Say" thank you so much that will be such a help".
Chances are he will do nothing.
You can arrange something nice for your DS, but don't tell ex or any of his family.
Make sure whatever you arrange is on your weekend.

TryingToForgeAnewLife · 09/06/2018 17:18

Send him WitchEnd message... as it shows you are absolutely fine with it GrinGrin...
And then sort your own out anyway.

Do NOT help him in ANY way with it!!

Lweji · 09/06/2018 17:19

THE party?
The one with the friends from school and neighbours?

Will he be sending invitations and preparing it all?
I'd tell him, yes please and could he do it every year. I doubt he'll do it even once.

Have a backup plan, as others have suggested.

fuzzywuzzy · 09/06/2018 17:20

I bet you he doesn’t throw a party or his parents do because they want to.

He doesn’t sound like a man who’s puts effort into his child.

Don’t rise to it.

Throw whatever party you want to and invite whoever you want as PP have suggested. Also I really would re-think involving his family and him in anything you do. He’s clearly poisonous and his family support that if your EXMIL is passing on this kind of message to you.

I can’t imagine my MIL passing on info like that she’d give DP a bollocking. I’m the mother of her grandchild and she expects all of us to be civil at the least with each other.

LifeBeginsAtGin · 09/06/2018 17:20

To be honest , arranging children's party's is a thankless task We do it because we love our children.

Let him realise what a time consuming and difficult job it is. He'll opt for the cinema where parents pick up and collect and no hassle is involved.
You can then so the better party.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/06/2018 17:20

I would respond something very innocuous such as “that will be nice”. I wouldn’t thank him simply because he may have a major meltdown if you do a party. This way you’re not agreeing to be dictated to.

AbsolutelyBeginning · 09/06/2018 17:21

He's doing this to piss you off and get a reaction from you. Because you set boundaries and have been the better person and invited him to your parties, even though he chose not to come. He doesn't like boundaries.

Now, he is pulling this stunt to get to you. Don't give him the satisfaction. That's your revenge. Do nothing. It'll piss him off all the more and you will retain your dignity.

Sistersofmercy101 · 09/06/2018 17:23

Boundaries! ! Reply to your ex with the simple "certainly on the times that Ds birthday falls on his time with you - court mandated and scheduled as per the child arrangements order you are welcome to organise finance a party as you see fit and invite whoever you /Ds wishes."
If you rollover to his blatant bullying abuse on this issue he will take that as a green light to continue abusing and bullying to get what he wants.

JobHunting4 · 09/06/2018 17:23

I echo the pp who said reply with a "thank you, it's such a hassle" hahah. And obviously they cannot stop you organising a party.

However, my only word of advice would be to do it tastefully. My step daughter had a couple of yrs of duplicating everything because her parents didn't communicate. Was a bit of a chore for her at times. And don't make it in to a competition about the best party either. He sounds like a right knob, and yes you're right he will be around for yrs if he feels there's a competition to be won.
Let them have next Yr, and I bet its your turn for the next few yrs after that.

AbsolutelyBeginning · 09/06/2018 17:25

As pps have said, have a back-up plan in case his party doesn't go ahead. If it does go ahead, have a plan of how you will enjoy your lovely, lovely day off!

Original poster
Mooey89 · 09/06/2018 17:25

I haven’t responded and don’t plan to.
Apart from anything else it’s over a bloody year away!

OP posts:
HSMMaCM · 09/06/2018 17:26

You've never stopped him organising a party. He just hasn't bothered. Don't rise to it. One the plus side, you never have to invite him again, as he's made it clear that's not necessary.

Oldraver · 09/06/2018 17:26

I wouldn't rise to it as I really dont think he will want to be bothered with the hassle of a party

Though the temptation to text.."Oh wonderful, it would be lovely to share the (cost) burden of a party and give me a year off"

Sailinghappy · 09/06/2018 17:28

Oh wow!! I would just tell him he's welcome to organise as many parties as he likes, as are you. Theres really no reason to ration/ rota them with each other. He can feel free to celebrate his birthday on his days and so will you. No issue at all. In reality it sounds as though he likely will not bother anyway... don't even sweat it!

ohfecknuts · 09/06/2018 17:28

I know this is probably super unrealistic, but is there any chance you could bugger off and move away? I know he has parental rights, but in this circumstance, I don't believe he deserves them and I wouldn't suggest it lightly. It is clear where he has got some of these traits from.

greenlanes · 09/06/2018 17:29

My ex was always invited to the parties I arranged for DC. Turned up with the guests, left with the guests, ignored me and my family and didnt offer to pay for anything on the day (activities, cake etc).

I then held a really fun party at home for loads of friends and their families. So ex tried to trump that the following year having a party at his house, catered for by an external company, took the kids to an expensive activity. They were all secondary school age by this time.

What he couldnt understand was that friendships are formed by the kids playing together, mucking about together, having fun. He wont let any of our DC friends in his house. So the party was a great big adult show off. Not for the benefit of DC at all. So just ignore him and do what you want to.

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 09/06/2018 17:29

Yep 2 parties, in answer to your anxiety about what parents will think and thinking your CFs. Let him do the whole class party 30 screaming 6 year olds hyped up on cola and cake, yep let him do that and get the "disney dad" points while you invite your childs best friends, do something your child will really loce with the people he spends the most time with, explain to those parents that theres no need for two presents (or even to attend both parties) your son gets two parties, agressive dad gets the pure delight of a childs party -sarcastic face- you get to see your son getting to do what he actally wanys to do.

You'd also be suprised i think a lot of kids have two parties now because of seperated parents so i think parents would understand tbh

Aeroflotgirl · 09/06/2018 17:33

Ignore, he can do his party, you can do yours.

Knicknackpaddyflak · 09/06/2018 17:34

What a lovely chap you have to deal with. Confused

If he wants to throw a party during his contact time good luck to him, but obviously he can't stop you having a party and he's (trying to be) a controlling twat and to upset you.

Otoh, I'd love to see that one play out in front of a judge. "Your honour MAKE HER STOP HAVING PARTIES ON MY YEAR BECAUSE I WANT HER TO SIT AT HOME AND CRY THAT I'M HAVING ONE AND SHE CAN'T COME."

Judge: Sir, are you five, or on glue?

Honeyroar · 09/06/2018 17:34

My husband's first wife always arranged separate celebrations to us. It was never a big deal. He had friends at both houses. Let him get on with it. It is quite awkward for the child and everyone else if parents try and pretend to be friends at parties when they aren't the rest of the time.

Stepmum3 · 09/06/2018 17:36

Hi,

I had this with my ex partner. He never did as I made such a fuss. I had always invited him to the parties that were held. Plus he would of needed me to give out the invites so no way was I doing that.

My son is much older now and had a party this year and his dad didn’t show up. Offered to pay half too luckily I had the money as it was out somewhere. Needless to say we were told he was so sorry but he never got reminded.

It will get better.

Bibesia · 09/06/2018 17:39

I love the idea of sending him the message "That's wonderful. I find them so stressful. Thank you so much".

I suspect that if you don't remind him when DS's birthday is he won't even remember.

Hissy · 09/06/2018 17:44

So is he going to have you subject to a court order not to hold your own party?

Ignore him. Let him do what he wants

As he’s likely to know absolutely fuck all about the ds friends etc, it’ll be a very small party.

His is what you get though for being reasonable with an unreasonable person. From now on gradually fade this guy out, he’s no use to your child, do the bare minimum you c an get away with.

UnsalariedPost · 09/06/2018 17:46

Apart from anything else it’s over a bloody year away!

Exactly. And good idea not to respond or engage in any way.
He'll have forgotten about it by then and if not, probably won't be arsed to do anything about it. I'd just continue as if I'd never had the message.