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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

exH says he’s doing the party next year and I’m not invited

120 replies

Mooey89 · 09/06/2018 16:53

Long story short, EXH is a cunt. Physically emotionally abusive, separated since he strangled me when DS was 6months.

Ridiculously controlling, still abusive, but since court, lots of good boundaries now in place.

Have order that DS lives with me, with Dad every other weekend. DS is nearly 5 now.
I’m the early days, I tried to include him in party plans. The first year he agreed to split the cost then never turned up or paid.
After that I just arranged myself but his parents always came and he was also told when where and could have come, he has never come to a single party.

This year, I’ve arranged it (later this month) again, he can come if he wants, grandparents will be there, however he won’t come as says it’s uncomfortable for him to have to be in the room with me. I couldn’t care less but our son will I’m sure.

Anyway. Just had a message (via MIL as no direct contact) ‘next year, I will be organising the party. We have joint rights so it is my turn. You will not be welcome. We whave op be taking it in turns from now on’

Obviously this WILL NOT be happening, but how the fucking fuck am I supposed to fucking continue with this CUNT for the next 13 years?!

I’m not being unreasonable am I? Or am I and I’m too blinded by hatred to see it?

OP posts:
Juells · 09/06/2018 17:47

I can't get over all these children's parties with adults and families present Confused Coupla sticky buns and hide and seek was all my two every got Grin

summerinrome · 09/06/2018 17:52

You should be thrilled, nice reply;

' Thank you so much xx, it is so kind of you to offer this. The parties cost a fortune and always stress me out. Let me know closer to the time what your plans are. Have a lovely weekend'

Great news, he can do the sodding parties you will now have the money to do something truly amazing with ds like thorpe park or a big treat otherwise not possible with the savings for his birthday.

This is a win win for you.

Although have a plan B party up your sleeve in reality as I think he will bail out.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 09/06/2018 17:52

Dd’s Best friend from nursery (divorced parents with shared care and originally quite acrimonious) often had two parties. Dd (in her role as best friend) usually was invited to both. Assuming we weren’t busy we usually went to both - dd liked parties, dd loved her best friend and extra opportunity to play with her, we liked both parents, the parties were always fun.

What’s not to like?

Angrybird345 · 09/06/2018 17:55

Do the grandparents help out at all?

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 09/06/2018 17:58

Id organise it, because there's no fucking way he will.

EssentialHummus · 09/06/2018 18:10

Nothing to add to the advice above, but I wanted to join the chorus of "What a plonker!"

gillybeanz · 09/06/2018 18:11

I wouldn't be inviting pil, they raised the cunt and made him what he is.
I'd be telling mil to stop passing on abusive messages or you'll have to stop contact from your side, they should be waiting for ex to initiate contact with them.

youarenotkiddingme · 09/06/2018 18:13

Let him organise a party. That's his right.

But there's nothing stopping you organising something as well.
Either he's doing family - so you can do friends. Or he invites ds friends and you do a family, friends and neighbours party/BBq.

You know he's a cunt and you know he wants a rise. My betting is the lack of one will mean he loses interest quite quickly.

Don't tell him you're organising one either. Just sort it for a weekend you have contact.

ciderhouserules · 09/06/2018 18:15

Def say 'oh thanks, that would be great!' - if he's that controlling, he will be horrified that he is making you happy!

Party will never happen. He'll be thinking of something else to 'get at you' instead.

diddl · 09/06/2018 18:30

When you say ", both parents spend time with child on birthdays"

How is that supposed to work?

Are you both supposed to see him on his actual bday?

LARLARLAND · 09/06/2018 18:30

Yes. In the art of war, always do what your enemy least expects. That means accept his offer with enthusiasm. It will completely defeat his objective.

felldownarabbithole · 09/06/2018 18:33

Tbh I would let him. But do one yourself too. No kid will be unhappy with twice the parties and twice the presents

You can't coparent with dicks like this. Try to view it as parallel parenting and you do your thing, he does his. Any effort he does make - well great for the kids. Any effort he doesn't- you'll always be picking up the slack anyhow

felldownarabbithole · 09/06/2018 18:36

If there are any parents complaining about the 2 parties I would just say - please come to whichever is most convenient for you. We are not together.

Sure you might have a few talking but I'd bet quite a few other lone parents would completely understand and most parents would choose yours if you're the familiar parent at the school

CourtneyLovely · 09/06/2018 18:38

My ex decided he was doing the party one year. It was basically his family and a couple of his mum's neighbours' kids who she didn't know. Luckily I'd organised her a proper one with her actual friends...

marjorie25 · 09/06/2018 18:40

As the saying goes, you lie down with dogs you get fleas.
So the question is how does dogs treat fleas? That might be a good way to look at your question.

Melanippe · 09/06/2018 18:41

He's no more going to organise a birthday party than he is next year's Trooping of the Colour.

I wouldn't respond to the message, but I would remind the grandmother that facilitating her son's continued abuse of you might mean that your DCs won't want much to do with them going forward. That message was not on.

ReservoirDogs · 09/06/2018 18:43

Yes another one - saying how lucky your DS will be to have 2 parties every other year. Just carry on arranging your one for a weekend that you would have your DS close to his birthday. If DS's birthday does fall on your ex's weekend you will just have to accept his party with you (and his actual friends) will be the week BEFORE Dad's party!

I suspect despite all his bravado a party arranged by Dad will never happen.

mathanxiety · 09/06/2018 18:54

My exH tried this stunt with our youngest before we were even separated, let alone divorced. Roped another sibling in to design an invitation card, greatly troubling said sibling. Decided the date, the venue, had no clue who DD's classmates were or where they lived (summer holiday birthday so invitations had to be mailed), had not considered necessity for a cake or favours, etc. I ended up picking up the pieces and salvaging the party because exH had told DD she was having a party and it was too late to cancel after that.

So in our custody and visitation agreement we had a clause about birthdays/parties/family celebrations. The birthday celebration took place on the day of the birthday, and if a party for friends was held on another date that was fine but the other parent had to be invited. The birthday celebration took place at the residence of whoever had the child on that day, and the other parent had to be invited. For the most part that was me - I had them 12 days out of every 14 so my chances were good. The other parent had to be invited to any party separate from the day-of-the-birthday celebration that was being thrown by the other parent.

I think you need a detailed birthday clause. You can go back to court with that text that he sent and ask for an amendment to your court ordered arrangement. Point out that there is no good faith on his part wrt birthdays and that you wish to make a fair and inclusive arrangement that will be durable and enforceable.

You will need to get help with composing and serving a 'motion to amend' on your exH. There are official headers, boilerplate, and a certain form to such things. In my jurisdiction anyway, there is a notice of motion, the motion, and the notice of service. A certain number of copies are filed with the clerk of the court, all are stamped, and you send a stamped, certified copy to exH. Before all this, you would have to arrange a court date when the judge is able to fit you in, then give exH advance warning by registered post (signature requested) that he will need to be available on that day - wording needs to be sound here too. You need to give several weeks notice. He can't ignore a motion or an order can be issued in default, especially if it looks reasonable and fair and in the best interests of the child.

Don't erase that text.

(exH used to show up for the family celebration but refused to accept a slice of cake until I mentioned this in the course of another appearance in post divorce court; exH ironically had a complaint about one particular birthday celebration - the judge looked witheringly at him and said 'Eat a slice of cake'.)

Rainbunny · 09/06/2018 18:56

I have a strong suspicion that if it's left to him to organise a party it won't actually happen! So just say "fine, go ahead." I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't (or rather makes his DM) demand a list of friends and contact info etc... I suppose you would be tasked with making sure invites got handed out at school also (since you do the school run), so essentially you'd end up doing some of the donkey work anyway. I'd refuse to do this, he can get names from your DS and organise invites himself. As soon as he realises the work that goes into planning a party he will likely just drop the idea, which I think makes it important that you do organise something yourself for your DS, maybe a smaller celebration or outing rather than a rival party.

kateandme · 09/06/2018 18:58

just do you party as usual.and don't bite his goading bate.dont let him win.everything about him from what hes done to how is now shows what a horrid man he is.so don't rise to that behaviour.what a silly little man child what a silly little human that would play game especially regarding the welfare of your lovely little one.
so every time the rage comes pop an image of your dc right into the forefront of your mind.keep them there.let that image calm you down moment by moment take in this love again.
he will only continue and it will damage little one if he doesn't have the strgnth of his amazing mum on full awares.so keep focusing and bringing it back to you and your little one.hes not worth your time nor the pain it will bring with dwelling on such shit tactics.
many kids of split parents have two parties so just see it as that.doesnt mean you have to change a thing.and let him do as he wishes from then on.bullys don't last for long If they don't think they've got you

diddl · 09/06/2018 18:59

Could be that his mum would organise it for him.

It can't be that unusual though for seperated parents to each do something?

Strongmummy · 09/06/2018 19:01

Sounds like a complete prick, but ask yourself does it really matter for one year? And if he organises would you REALLY want to go. I wouldn’t waste any more of your precious time or energy on this guy x

Strongmummy · 09/06/2018 19:02

Also agree with others that you should organise your own one

Lethaldrizzle · 09/06/2018 19:04

Alot of abusive types make empty threats. I'd think it highly unlikely this ones got any steam. Say thanks move on and ignore

mathanxiety · 09/06/2018 19:04

One benefit of going back to court is that he is made aware that he answers to court, that this isn't just between you and him, and that the court takes the best interest of the child into account first and foremost. (Ignore the elephant in the room of DV obviously - none of this would be happening if that was taken seriously and given the weight it should in custody and visitation).

The other reason is to establish a paper trail for the court to see that this man is not interested in co-parenting reasonably. This will be particularly apparent if he tries another exercise in willy waving after the party text. Then if things get really bad and he tries to change custody, or refuses to let DS go home after visitation, etc., you can show the judge that (1) he has form for continuing to try to fight with you, ignoring the child's best interest, and (2) you have been completely reasonable, inclusive, and working in the best interests of the child. A history of being a twat is only 'he said/she said' if you don't have court appearances, texts and other undeniable communications put on the record.