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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To call her my daughter?

120 replies

upsideup · 08/06/2018 12:54

My dsd is 22, I became her step mum when she was 4. I call her my dsd on mn and mostly in real life call her my daughter. Me and her dad broke up when she was 11 so legally she isn't either but since she was 4 I have been her main carer and basically the only person who has given a shit about her or done anything for her. I am the only one who has ever taken her the doctors, to the dentist, went to her parents evening or anything else that parents do for their children.

When we broke up her dad moved abroad and her mum said she didn't want me to see her but after two weeks dsd was having regular sleepovers with her 'friend' which meant with me, her mum obviously knew this or didn't care enough to check which eventually meant her staying with me 4/5 nights a week again. She has lived with me, my DH and our children full time since she was 14, we have had no help from either of her parents. She calls me mum, she tells people I'm her mum. She calls my husband her step dad and my younger bio children her siblings.

I'm not bitter or annoyed I had to do any of this and I don't want praise for doing it but I am annoyed with people constant rushing to tell me actually shes not my daughter or going behind my back to tell other people that shes not, being told by a friend that it is disrespectful this morning and that I need to stop.

So AIBU to think I have earned the right call her my daughter if I want or include her in the number of children I have if I want to?

OP posts:
danci · 08/06/2018 12:56

YADNBU. Absolutely. Most importantly she seems to regard you as her Mum which means yes, you have bloody earned it!

sparklepops123 · 08/06/2018 12:56

Yes I think you’ve definatly proved your her mum 💐

NotTheOriginalGreen · 08/06/2018 12:57

It’s really no one else’s business. I would just always take your lead from from her. If she wants to call you mum and for you to call her daughter then that’s all that really matters

AngeloMysterioso · 08/06/2018 12:57

If she calls you her Mum, then she’s your daughter. That’s how I’d see it.

RealSLOAH · 08/06/2018 12:58

She’s 22 years old. So long as you don’t deny the existence of her biological parents, I think she’s perfectly entitled to call you mom - and for you to acknowledge that name. Parenting is about love, not blood. x

Charmatt · 08/06/2018 12:59

If she wants you to call her your daughter then I think that is lovely. She obviously knows that being a parent is more than biological! It isn't anyone else's business.

Cornettoninja · 08/06/2018 13:00

People are weird - ignore them. If your dd didn't want to call you her mum my feelings would be very different but as you're both happy with the set up it should be respected.

I always think this when I see people commenting on Michael Jackson's kids not being their real father. It's such (hurtful) bullshit. In every way that matters he is to them. Same thing here.

fruitbrewhaha · 08/06/2018 13:00

She's your daughter OP and she is clearly lucky to have you.

It's brought a bit of a tear to my eye that.

PinkHeart5914 · 08/06/2018 13:01

Biologically you aren’t her mum but you have been good to her and she calls you mum so I think due to that it’s fine to call your daughter.

NeverTwerkNaked · 08/06/2018 13:01

Of course yanbu. Sounds like you have truly earnt the right to be her parent Flowers

Tinty · 08/06/2018 13:01

You sound like the best mum she could have had. Regardless of what other people think, she feels you are her mum, you feel she is your daughter.

Just carry on as you are, your step daughter is an adult she can call you mum if she wishes and you can call her daughter. It is no one else's business.

You sound wonderful and she was very lucky to have a lovely Mum like you. Flowers.

NotTheOriginalGreen · 08/06/2018 13:03

Some people just can’t help but be dicks about it. I have a friend who adopted his wife’s oldest child (their bio father left when she was pregnant and never looked back). He tells people ‘I have 4 children’ yet there are a few people who just feel the need to say ‘well technically he has 3 and 1 adopted’ which is just horrid and hurtful to both the dad and the child.

Ipdipme · 08/06/2018 13:03

YADDDNBU!
My DSM took me on as a feisty 13 year old. Now in my 40’s and she more than earned the right to call me her daughter.

Besides... look at it from the other side... maybe she wants and deserves to be called your daughter. Anyone telling you that you don’t have the right... ask them if she has the right to feel that she’s your daughter. Ask them if they think she shouldn’t have the right to choose to be your daughter?

‘A child well loved has many names’

You’ve both earned the right for her to be named your daughter.

dangermouseisace · 08/06/2018 13:04

YANBU at all! DD is fortunate to have you to care about her when her blood relatives failed.

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 08/06/2018 13:04

Sounds like she loves you, she thinks of you as her mum, and she chose you time and time again. Sounds pretty wonderful to me, so many biological kids and parents don't get on, and here you two are going through so much turmoil and standing by each other. It made me cry, my first at MN. If you knew how good you were, you would too. You sound great, and she knows it. If anyone else wants to call it something else, but this is as good as it gets. You two love each other.

itsnotterrysitsmine · 08/06/2018 13:05

She see’s you as her mum, calls you mum, you’re her mum. In every way that really matters to a person, you’re her mum.

MyOtherUsernameisaPun · 08/06/2018 13:06

Mothering isn't just pushing a baby out of your vagina. You're much more a mother to that child than anyone else has been, and if she's happy with I see no reason why anyone else should bother their nose!

PrettyLovely · 08/06/2018 13:06

Wow I think you need to get new friends, Your friend sounds like a dick.
Of course shes your daughter!

OrchidInTheSun · 08/06/2018 13:09

The way I see it, anyone can be a biological parent. But being a mum or a dad takes commitment and love. So I think you're her mum

DorothyBastard · 08/06/2018 13:09

You are her mum. Have you ever considered adopting her?

Original poster
upsideup · 08/06/2018 13:14

Thankyou, I wasnt expecting all positive replies so far as in RL I'd say only the majority seem to think IABU.
Normally its people I dont know well or care about who go around confirming to others shes not actually my daughter or or correct me with 'step daughter' and then 'well not even your step daughter anymore'. But today it was one of my close friends, I have agreed that of course it would be completely out of order for the women who has seen her kids every other weekend for less than a year to call herself their mum but she cant seem to understand that my situation is completely different.

OP posts:
LML83 · 08/06/2018 13:14

If you were my friend and I was discussing your situation I would be telling people because I was so proud/impressed with how you have stepped up. If they are discussing it a negative way that's awful.

She is your daughter, and you are her mum. The details only make your relationship more important.

LML83 · 08/06/2018 13:15

cross post, shocked people are correcting you in real life! awful.

flumpybear · 08/06/2018 13:16

Wow what shit parents she has!
I'd also call her my DD and I'd be proud to be called mum by her too

CoatsProtectionLeague · 08/06/2018 13:18

This made me cry. I know you said you didn’t want praise but I think the daughter you write about in this thread would’ve had a very different life had you not been in it.

I think she’s as lucky to call you Mum as you are to call her daughter- she’s yours in everything but name Flowers

I think you sound wonderful.