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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To call her my daughter?

120 replies

upsideup · 08/06/2018 12:54

My dsd is 22, I became her step mum when she was 4. I call her my dsd on mn and mostly in real life call her my daughter. Me and her dad broke up when she was 11 so legally she isn't either but since she was 4 I have been her main carer and basically the only person who has given a shit about her or done anything for her. I am the only one who has ever taken her the doctors, to the dentist, went to her parents evening or anything else that parents do for their children.

When we broke up her dad moved abroad and her mum said she didn't want me to see her but after two weeks dsd was having regular sleepovers with her 'friend' which meant with me, her mum obviously knew this or didn't care enough to check which eventually meant her staying with me 4/5 nights a week again. She has lived with me, my DH and our children full time since she was 14, we have had no help from either of her parents. She calls me mum, she tells people I'm her mum. She calls my husband her step dad and my younger bio children her siblings.

I'm not bitter or annoyed I had to do any of this and I don't want praise for doing it but I am annoyed with people constant rushing to tell me actually shes not my daughter or going behind my back to tell other people that shes not, being told by a friend that it is disrespectful this morning and that I need to stop.

So AIBU to think I have earned the right call her my daughter if I want or include her in the number of children I have if I want to?

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 08/06/2018 13:18

being told by a friend that it is disrespectful this morning and that I need to stop.

I'd have laughed in her face and said 'Fortunately you no longer have to expend precious energy on ramming your unwanted opinion into this, as while I'll carry on calling X what the hell I like, I won't be calling you a friend any longer'

angieloumc · 08/06/2018 13:23

Like a pp said you definitely need new friends!
You and your DD obviously have an amazing relationship and you are her mum. Motherhood isn't just biology.

DoJo · 08/06/2018 13:25

It is nobody else's place to define your relationship and if you and your daughter are happy with what you call each other then everyone else can just toss off. Are they really suggesting that she doesn't deserve to have a loving mother? Or that she doesn't know who has parented her for the last decade or so? Because it's stupendously arrogant to 'correct' someone when it comes to this kind of thing and only really appropriate if you were discussing legal or genetic considerations.

Juells · 08/06/2018 13:27

Are people who adopt a baby not allowed call her their daughter? That's more or less the situation you're in, you've been responsible for her for most of her life.

Tell anyone who says different to sling their hook.

Dobby1sAFreeElf · 08/06/2018 13:28

Would they be saying this if you'd adopted her? You've been her mother, and if that is what she wants to call you then that is her choice and hers alone. Your friends are arses.

Tinkobell · 08/06/2018 13:29

Well yes, of course you are her mother. She sees and judges you as her mother! Motherhood = commitment, that's what you've shown where others have fallen short. I don't know what these people you speak of are trying to prove? Ask them!

Hyppolyta · 08/06/2018 13:29

She knows who has been a mother to her, and at 22 she is old enough to make that decision as an adult.

You sound like such a lovely mum, your dsd was very luck you have you!

SoundofSilence · 08/06/2018 13:30

In every way that matters, you are her mum, and how she feels matters most of all. If she considers you her mum, that's what you are. Stuff everybody else.

Etino · 08/06/2018 13:30

You’ve definitely earned the right @upsideup

@CoatsProtectionLeague me too 😪

KarmaStar · 08/06/2018 13:33

You sound like a really genuine lovely mum OP and other people have NO right to judge or criticize either of you for your mum/daughter titles.
They are ignorant.
Continue as you are.

LittleMysPonytail · 08/06/2018 13:33

Your daughter chose you to be her mother and you have chosen to be that for her. I can’t think of a more real life example of unconditional love, from both of you.

Dobbythesockelf · 08/06/2018 13:34

She's decided that she wants to call you mum. You have been the most constant thing in her life for a long time by the sounds of it. It's nobody else's business at all.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 08/06/2018 13:35

Of course you’re her Mum.

Her biological mother is a disgrace, along with her father.

You are lucky to have each other 🌷

I am amazed you managed to parent her practically all her life with no formal arrangement though. The hoops we have to jump through with regard to school, Dr, dentist etc how did you do it? (If it had been me I’d have signed as Guardian & hoped for the best!)

Does she have any contact with her birth parents?

I honestly don’t know how her birth parents live with themselves.

Gymntonic · 08/06/2018 13:35

The young woman you raised is smart enough to recognise the loving role you played in her upbringing and you have every right to follow her lead and call her your daughter.
Some of your 'friends' arent really very friendly though are they?

LilacIris · 08/06/2018 13:36

You sound a wonderful mum to her and your are absolutely not BU to call her your daughter.

TheFormidableMrsC · 08/06/2018 13:36

Normally, I'd be very cross with a stepmother calling her DSC's son or daughter but I think in this instance, you have absolutely earned the right to call your daughter by that name. What a lovely person you are. How lucky she is to have you. How shit her parents are. Take no notice of your "friend", it is absolutely not the same as other "step" situations at all. Your daughter is an adult, the decision has been hers.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 08/06/2018 13:37

I think it's great you've done so much for her and have a positive relationship, but I don't think this makes you her mother.

FellOutOfBed2wice · 08/06/2018 13:37

My own Dads “parents” had nothing to do with him from an actual biological parents point of view. They were still his Mum and Dad though because they loved him and cared for him and fed him .....and she was still my Nan (Dads “Dad” died before I was born). Similar situation of relatives of-a-sort bringing him up when his natural parents didn’t want to/couldn’t.

I think for people in purely linear families where everyone is related to everyone else don’t get it because it’s unusual and not like in their situations. But family- and parenthood- isn’t just about blood.

Spudlet · 08/06/2018 13:37

As far as I'm concerned, you're her mum. You've done all the parenting, by the sounds of it. Parenthood is more than just biology!

Much more importantly, your dd agrees. So tell your 'friend' to keep her beak out of it.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 08/06/2018 13:44

Oh and as for your ‘friends’...they’re no friends. They sound like the kind of idiots who would say a formally adopted child wasn’t really your DD either.

Get better friends 🌷

A well know piece...

Not flesh of my flesh
Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart,
But in it ❤️

sue51 · 08/06/2018 13:45

You're her mum and a fantastic one too. Time to ditch that friend.

NobodysChild · 08/06/2018 13:46

My sister is a long time foster carer for a little boy. He calls my sis mum, I'm his auntie and my parents are his nanna and grandad. While not the same scenario as yours OP, we all regard him as part of the family. I would call your daughter, your daughter. You don't have to be a father to be a dad and you don't have to be a mother to be a mum.

Colbu24 · 08/06/2018 13:47

There was a lovely story similar to yours in FB today and the sm adopted the sd. Maybe you may consider adopting her and making it official that you are her mother too.
You are both so lucky to love each other. She is your heart dd.

gillybeanz · 08/06/2018 13:49

Aw, bless her she has a mother who cares a lot about her, giving birth doesn't make you a mother, it's what else you do that confirms this.
I don't usually agree with calling anyone else other than your mother , mum.
However, in this case it sounds as though you are her only mum.
Think God you were there for her proving that blood isn't thicker than water.
You have selflessly raised this child, so much respect for you

JohnCenaSucks · 08/06/2018 13:51

Best thing I have ever read on here

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