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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To call her my daughter?

120 replies

upsideup · 08/06/2018 12:54

My dsd is 22, I became her step mum when she was 4. I call her my dsd on mn and mostly in real life call her my daughter. Me and her dad broke up when she was 11 so legally she isn't either but since she was 4 I have been her main carer and basically the only person who has given a shit about her or done anything for her. I am the only one who has ever taken her the doctors, to the dentist, went to her parents evening or anything else that parents do for their children.

When we broke up her dad moved abroad and her mum said she didn't want me to see her but after two weeks dsd was having regular sleepovers with her 'friend' which meant with me, her mum obviously knew this or didn't care enough to check which eventually meant her staying with me 4/5 nights a week again. She has lived with me, my DH and our children full time since she was 14, we have had no help from either of her parents. She calls me mum, she tells people I'm her mum. She calls my husband her step dad and my younger bio children her siblings.

I'm not bitter or annoyed I had to do any of this and I don't want praise for doing it but I am annoyed with people constant rushing to tell me actually shes not my daughter or going behind my back to tell other people that shes not, being told by a friend that it is disrespectful this morning and that I need to stop.

So AIBU to think I have earned the right call her my daughter if I want or include her in the number of children I have if I want to?

OP posts:
Branleuse · 08/06/2018 14:18

of course youre her mum.

Lalliella · 08/06/2018 14:18

She is your daughter, you are her mum, but the people making negative comments are not your friends. You deserve better OP Flowers

BiscuitsRule · 08/06/2018 14:18

OP has it occurred to you your friend is just jealous? some people find it very hard to stomach such pure love and affection between two people who stereotypically should naturally hate each other. When the opposite happens it unsettles them and leaves trying to search for something to prove its not all as it seems. They cannot understand the kind of love between a non biological child and an ex step mother that crosses all those boundaries.

Pity your friend.

DailyMailFail101 · 08/06/2018 14:18

You are her Mum

Wibblywobblyfoo · 08/06/2018 14:18

You're her mum. She knows it. You know it. Screw other peoples opinions.

kerryleigh · 08/06/2018 14:23

She calls you mum, that's all that matter Flowers and you are blessed to have each other
Your friend is a twat, she should mind her own business

Hissy · 08/06/2018 14:23

My mum chose to call her MIL her Mum. the tales she told of slack and absent parenting, favouritism etc in her childhood were heartbreaking to hear - even as kids - now I'm a parent, it's heinous.

You are her mother. You don't have to have given birth to her to mother her. I mother my DSD, and she looks stunned on a regular basis at the things I do that to me are basic behaviour. I hope one day she can trust me as much as your DD trusts you.

Thank god for you. Can you imagine what her life would be like without you in it?

Loonoon · 08/06/2018 14:24

This made me cry. You and your DH must be wonderful people. Of course she is your daughter and you are a lovely mum.

Catservant · 08/06/2018 14:31

You are absolutely her mum and an amazing one too by the sounds of it! Ignore these idiots whoever they are💐

mydietstartsmonday · 08/06/2018 14:34

You are her Mum - no question!
Call her your daughter and both be proud of each other.

angelinwellies · 08/06/2018 14:36

If she's happy, use it. If she's not, don't. Her opinion counts, none other.

RitaMills · 08/06/2018 14:42

Of course she’s your daughter, you sound lovely btw. Smile

marjorie25 · 08/06/2018 14:42

RealSLOAH
Giving birth does not make one a parent.
Obviously her parent is the OP. So if she wants to disown her birth parents who have been MIA, that should not be a problem.

Isawthelight · 08/06/2018 14:44

Of course she's your daughter

Your friend is an arsehole.

NameyMcNamechangeface · 08/06/2018 14:49

I'm afraid I'd be seriously reconsidering that friendship. Your 'friend' is a twat.

Of course she is your daughter.

TheFirstMrsDV · 08/06/2018 14:53

Of course YANBU.

My son is my son. Not my adopted son or my 'used to be my greatnephew'. He is my son, my boy.
Him having another mother doesn't make me any less of a mum to him.

Flowers
Weezol · 08/06/2018 14:55

My dad met his MIL at 24. By the time he and my mum were married and I came along, he was calling her mum and she was his mum as far as he was concerned. His immediate family is a mess.

When his own 'mother' died, the police traced him to inform him. He shrugged his shoulders, sighed and went back to the living room to watch the football with his mum. Didn't go to the funeral, but many years later was devastated my my nana's death.

They say you can't choose your family, but I grew up knowing that ain't necessarily so. You are mother and daughter. Tell your friend she can either shut up or sod off.

Charolais · 08/06/2018 15:04

Of course she’s your daughter.

She’s the daughter of your heart and you chose her and she chose you - which makes it a very deep connection.

vilamoura2003 · 08/06/2018 15:05

You do not have to biologically linked to her to be her mother or her, your daughter. What you have done is what a mum should be and you should see her as yours.

JeezYouLoon · 08/06/2018 15:13

It's completely irrelevant what other people think, the most important people are you and your daughter.

She is your daughter and you are her mum and you are both happy with that and bollocks to everyone else Grin

Bibesia · 08/06/2018 15:18

Ask your friend whether she really wants to go and tell your daughter not to call you mum. Because that's what this amounts to. If she calls you her mum, you are perfectly entitled to call her your daughter.

hibbledibble · 08/06/2018 15:23

Absolutely yanbu. If she was still I minor I would think it advisable to formalise the arrangement with a special guardianship order or similar, but as she is an adult now it is no longer relevant.

Well done on being there for her.

VodkaLimeSoda27 · 08/06/2018 15:30

You are her Mum, your friend needs to give her head a wobble Flowers you sound lovely, OP.

smithsinarazz · 08/06/2018 15:32

@fruitbrewhaha yes, me too. OP, going by what you've written here, you are, in effect, her adoptive mum, and you have completely saved her life. xx

sugarbum · 08/06/2018 15:40

Is your 'friend' a parent? Does she have a child with a step-parent and has taken your comment personally?

From what you have said, you have every right to call this child your daughter. My step-mum calls me her daughter, because she is the one that did all the mothering after my own 'mother' failed to. She has been my mother for 35 years.

When I talk about her, I call her my 'mum' although people that know me are fully aware that she is not my biological parent. I don't actually call her 'mum' face to face - I use her first name - but she is.

We had a very small wedding, when I was 30 and only my mum (step-mum), dad and sister (step-sister) and her husband were invited on my side. It caused such a rift between me and my biological mum, but then I didn't really know her (I'd only met her twice since she left when I was 6) so it was no great loss. I felt that it would have been incredibly disloyal to allow her parade around as my 'mum' (she would have done) when someone else had taken that role for the previous 22 years.

It was utterly 'disrespectful' of your 'friend' to say such a thing.