To call her my daughter?

[upsideup]

My dsd is 22, I became her step mum when she was 4. I call her my dsd on mn and mostly in real life call her my daughter. Me and her dad broke up when she was 11 so legally she isn't either but since she was 4 I have been her main carer and basically the only person who has given a shit about her or done anything for her. I am the only one who has ever taken her the doctors, to the dentist, went to her parents evening or anything else that parents do for their children.

When we broke up her dad moved abroad and her mum said she didn't want me to see her but after two weeks dsd was having regular sleepovers with her 'friend' which meant with me, her mum obviously knew this or didn't care enough to check which eventually meant her staying with me 4/5 nights a week again. She has lived with me, my DH and our children full time since she was 14, we have had no help from either of her parents. She calls me mum, she tells people I'm her mum. She calls my husband her step dad and my younger bio children her siblings.

I'm not bitter or annoyed I had to do any of this and I don't want praise for doing it but I am annoyed with people constant rushing to tell me actually shes not my daughter or going behind my back to tell other people that shes not, being told by a friend that it is disrespectful this morning and that I need to stop.

So AIBU to think I have earned the right call her my daughter if I want or include her in the number of children I have if I want to?

Your daughter chose you for her mum. That says it all.

Your friend sounds a bit of a twat.

You're absolutely her mum!
How frustrating though, if a man had taken over the role nobody would question him being called dad!

Some one I know got an extra "daughter" at 16 years old. I don't know the back story, but she has lived with them since then from her own choice. She calls them "Mum and Dad".
The only reason it has to be explained is that the Mum and Dad are White and the daughter is Black - so it is pretty obvious. But the person I know is definitely her "mother" - and the rest is no one but their business.

You have done an amazing thing to take her on and raise her as your own when her bio parents could not be bothered so are definitely right to call her your daughter. Being a parent is not about who gives birth or conceives a baby but who raises them and loves them through their life.

My friend is in the same situation as your daughter as she was brought up by her mums exp and his wife. She has no contact with either bio parent and hasn’t done since she was about 10. When she was 22 she changed her name so that she legally had their surname.

As with your daughter her life is so much better for having her steparents loving her...

I wish I could have adopted her. As far as I'm aware you cant adopt over 18's in the UK and her mum wouldnt have agreed to that when she was younger either.
I know I'm not actually her mum and for any legal documents of course I have never lied and said I am, its just in everyday conversations I want to be able to just say my daughter instead of the alternative which is explaining the above and how her real mum doesnt care.

If she calls you mum then she is your daughter. Biology has nothing to do with it. Loving and caring for her has.

Tell your friend to fuck off

You are that girls mother, she is happy to call you mum (because you are her mum) therefor she is your daughter.

My (officially step) dad is my dad. God help anyone who tells me (or him) otherwise.

Unfortunately you can’t adopt over the age of 18, we looked into it a few years ago for me a my dad.

Ah I see, reading your updates I wonder how many people correcting you are projecting their own step-family experiences onto your situation.

On a gut level I would hate dd to think of anyone else as her mother but actually the more people who love her and the more people she loves the better. The world is a lonely place the more people on your side the better.

You are her mum, she wants you to be her mum...op why don't you make it official and adopt her, and then she will know you are her mum forever

YANBU. It's nicer than saying DSD, and closes the door on further questions regarding her DParents too from anyone not knowing. I don't understand people who have to 'pick things apart', so to speak: your friend knows what you have done for DD, I presume, and rather than (rightly) stating that you clearly are her DM, she decided to go the other way, just to be 'right'. My DM and DF would do this: my DH and his DB are adopted. I was having issue once with DNephew picking on DS: DF states 'well stop seeing him, it's not like they're are really related'. The 'not related' issue has cropped up several times over the years with them: even though my In Laws are DH's family, legally and emotionally, my DParents over the years have commented about how they are not a family. They wouldn't say it in front of DH! MIL's OH has an issue with her DC being adopted too, and is implying (to me, don't know if he's said it to her) that her GC are not really 'her' GC as their DFs are adopted. Horrible attitude. You sound lovely and kind x

I have a birthday card here from my ex-stepdad - to my amazing daughter. He and my Mum divorced nearly 20 years ago when I was in my 20's!

He brought me up for 20 years, is Granddad to my kids and has always been there for me. Yep, he's Dad!

You and your daughter have a beautiful relationship and sound lucky to have each other. Awwww :) X Your friend is an idiot.

Wonderful

I’ve had this with other people insisting on calling my siblings half siblings. Yup, technically we are, however you ask any of us and we are just siblings 🙂.

If your “friend” brings it up again, I’d tell her to FTFO.

You sound great, you both sound lovely and lucky to have found each other!

You sound wonderful OP

Your post about this young woman oozes love. You’re her mum through and through. Don’t let anyone ever make you doubt yourself again. You rescued this child and because of you she is a happy and thriving adult.

In reality, it is the child, even as an adult, who decides what the step parent calls them not some rude and random woman, who engaged her mouth before her brain.

I'm 48 and my stepdad of 42 yrs is my dad ! He's the one who sat on a beach in Scarborough in the rain because I wanted to build a sandcastle aged 7, he's the one who put up with my teenage yrs, he's the one who comforted me when my 2 marriages broke down, he's the one who bailed me out financially and he loves me !! I'm his daughter and he is my dad - biology doesn't make a parent - love, time and a whole lot of patience does !! Tell your friend to do one !!!

Well this brought a mist to my eye what a truly wonderful mum you are

You are her mum, you are the one who takes care of her, loves her, and has been there for her, biology means nothing. She obviously sees you as her mum, so you are! Well done, for stepping up, when her useless parents did not give a fig.

Oh god im really choked up! She is deff 100% your daughter and you're her mum. My 8yr old sister is biologically my half sister, but I would never ever call her that- shes my full 100% sister and it drives me insane when people say oh shes not your real sister. Its got nothing to do with anyone else!

You are most definitely NOT being unreasonable and you’re a brilliant person for supporting her! She clearly wants you as a mum so fuck what other people think!

Your friend is no friend at all. It takes more than biology to be a parent, you have loved, nurtured and cared for her, that means everything. More importantly, she sees you as mum, as you are her constant. What do your 'friends' think of Foster and Adoptive parents then! Narrow minded individuals.

I'm not crying. There's something in my eye.

Please make sure you write a will to include her as in law she wouldn't get a look in.

Yeah, I would say anyone who has an issue with this isn't a very good friend, OP.

What kind of weirdos are you around in RL?