She won't let our friendship die!

[Jackfruitburger]

I know I might get flamed for this but I don't know what to do! A friend from college is turning 30 next week and she's asked me to meet her for drinks on the evening . We haven't seen each other since January and I hoped that she'd found some new friends who she might have a bit more in common with.
In college we were both on the same page, going out, coursework, arguing with parents etc. We started drifting when we went to different universities and afterwards, as our attitudes to work were very different. She has always wanted to be an actress and refuses to consider any other career. That said, she doesn't put in the work to get there so doesn't audition or do much amateur dramatics. She just goes to see plays and hopes to make connections
I've always worked, and now I have two children and have just bought a house. It is hard when we meet to find things to talk about as our lives are so different. I'm chasing a three year old around a cafe whilst feeding my newborn whilst she talks for 40 minutes about whether to text a boy back or wait for him to text her.
Last year she had to move back home as her parents stopped paying for her to live in an expensive university town. I met up with her on her birthday last year (with the kids) and she cried off and on all day about her situation (no job, no boyfriend, living with parents etc) but I think I managed to cheer her up a bit. This year she has asked if we can go out for a meal and a few drinks (I feel I should offer to pay as it's her birthday) and I don't know if I should go.
She said it will just be us (as no one else has replied/is busy) and that if I don't come then she'll have no birthday plans. I honestly can't really afford to, as I've had to pay our solicitors bill this month, but part of me feels that I should go for her, and to stop being selfish. It's just going to be excruciating as we're not close anymore and I'm sure there will be lots more crying than last year.
Help!

OMG - get rid. Dont be the last man standing - sounds like you are - all of her other friends seems to have swerved her. You sound like a people pleaser.

Radiators and drains - only have friends that are radiators, that you come away feeling something positive from - IME drains suck you dry ALL you life - I am 50 and have just started shedding the drains, they never change, are selfish and just off load on your polite and kind nature.

Also if you dont share the same values with your friend it grates and become untenable. Listen to your gut - she is taking up your head space - she might start to reflect and work on herself when she is alone.

Friends come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. This one was seasonal - and that passed sometime ago.

If you truly can’t stand the thought of going and can’t afford to (which is reason enough) then say no and explain. I would never do something I couldn’t afford to please someone else. I wouldn’t be able to.

Oh dear. You sound far too nice. I get why you feel sorry for her. But at some point enough has to be enough.

I'm really surprised by some of the comments here

30 years old and refuses to get a job? Doesn't sound like someone I'd have wanted to befriend at 20 never mind 30.

I do see the argument for not leaving her alone on the day but don't spend money you don't have. Ask her round, if it's nice weather maybe go to a picnic spot. But tbh given that you want to break it off anyway, not sure if this fair....almost like stringing her along. I've recently ended a friendship by actually saying it though, also with someone who would never have taken a hint, so perhaps I have a different approach than many posters, it doesn't sit well with me to ghost etc.

Do you like her? If so, go and do something cheap and cheerful together , eg picnic in the park. If not, then just say you can’t go.

I feel a bit sad for her , she’s obviously rather down. However, if you don’t want to keep the friendship going and you’ve made peace with that decision then don’t see her

I'd tell her half of the truth "I'm really skint right now so I definitely can't afford a meal out, I know you know how that feels! Total bummer. Is there anything else you'd like to do?"

If she's just after a free meal she'll sack you off. If she genuinely wants to see you she will suggest a walk in the park and a coffee or something.

If you do meet up you don't have to offer solutions, tough love or any of that. You are not her mum or her therapist. You can just make vaguely poor you noises and change the subject to something external like Love Island or Trump or something.

I really don’t think her 30th birthday is the time you should choose to ditch her when she’s clearly going to be feeling fragile and contemplative about the way her life is at this point.
I agree with PPs who say go round with a bottle of wine, order pizza and have a chat.
I don’t get this whole phasing friendships out thing, if someone is reaching out to you, you support them. Surely it’s the decent thing to do. It’s one night. (But no need to spend money you don’t have!)
With all the stuff in the news about Kate Spade and suicide, I am actually more inclined at the minute to check up on friends who seem to be struggling. Even the irritating ones!

Don’t go or see her if you don’t want to OP! Your friendship and time is not a charity grant.

I hear you re friends you would do anything for compared to this friend: I have recently finally phased out a friendship that was bringing me nothing but frustration and annoyance (they are still trying to hold on sadly), i suddenly realised how fucked up it was that I was agreeing to go hang out with someone I actively dislike, for their sake, knowing I would dread it beforehand, be on edge the whole time and relieved when it’s over. Life’s too short. You don’t owe anyone friendship OP. Her having nobody else is down to who she is and how she behaves, just because she hasn’t completely turned you off yet doesn’t mean you have to remain as the last one standing.

So don’t go if you don’t want to. Your needs and desires are important too. Time is precious and friendship should be willing. I sincerely doubt this woman would even want to spend the evening with you if she knew what you really thought of her anyway.

I don’t get this whole phasing friendships out thing, if someone is reaching out to you, you support them. Surely it’s the decent thing to do

Usually friendships naturally draw to a close mutually, but with some people for one reason or another they just won’t allow that to happen. So unless you’re willing to fake a friendship with the person at your own expense, phasing out is usually the least worse option (compared to an outright ‘friend breakup’).

And when people say ‘no’ to a person reaching out, that doesn’t mean they’re a bar person. You have no idea what that person has done for the friend in the past, the toll it has taken, how they’ve been treated. I’d much rather encourage people to have healthy boundaries and respect their own desires and capacities re friendships and relationships than try say it’s so cut and dried and you should always do what’s asked of you by a ‘friend’ or it means you’re not being decent!

Plus this lady hasn’t rang OP in a crisis sobbing and asking for help, she’s invited her to a birthday meal! If OP can’t afford it she can’t go. And if she doesn’t want to then she has every right not to.

OP, if you do meet her and she starts going on about problems she’s a stuck record about you can always say to her it’s obvious she’s feeling stuck and advise her to speak to someone professionally. And to get through the evening you can respond with ‘that sounds really difficult, what are you going to do about it?’ As many times as necessary. Try the grey rock technique, don’t feed into the drama, be coolly understanding but try not feed her with lots and lots of ‘oh my gosh, how terrible’, acting horrified or upset for her and so forth. Make it as boring for her to talk about her problems one sidedly the whole time as possible. And if she gets shitty just say ‘it’s your birthday! I thought you’d rather we try and have fun?’

But yeah... ideally don’t go.

Why not have a few drinks with her and then give her a reality tablet? Someone has to and if any of it sinks in, you'll be doing her a favour.

She needs to start taking responsibility for her life and stop thinking her problems are everyone else's fault. It's also draining as a friend to have to listen to her issues when she shows little interest in your life.

If you can't be honest at all, the friendship is all a bit fake. If she takes offence and doesn't want to speak to you anymore well then it's sort of a silver lining?

I went out with my friend for her birthday recently. We don't see each other a lot but haven't totally lost contact and happened to be in London on the same day near her birthday. We met for a drink after work. I brought a card and a little present (silly small thing but with meaning). I each bought our own drinks (she was there a few mins before me). We had a lovely chat in the sun in the pub garden then said bye bye after an hour or so. It was most enjoyable. You could do that.

Ahhh poor cow. You don't have anything in common but this is her 30th and she wants to see you because you made her feel good last year. And because clearly everyone else has blown her off.

I couldn't know someone was alone for their birthday while I just had a normal night at home.

Put a time limit on it. Say your skint but can do X or Y - a couple of cocktails or a Chinese at home for example. But you have to go by 10pm because kids / work / some other lie.

If it's her 30th birthday then I think you should go out for a few drinks. Explain you cannot afford a meal but would be happy to hit a few bars and chances are you might get chatting to some nice people. If someone is lonely then they will be grateful for any excuse to go out to meet others, maybe she realises you have drifted apart but she doesn't have many friends. You might surprise yourself and have a great time.

You really don't sound as tho you like her so why pretend to be her friend?

I think if you're a mother, you can sometimes be expected to 'mother' other people and look after them. It's probably not intentional, though. You're probably just more together than some of her other friends. Why don't you offer a compromise - I think someone else said offer to go round her house with a bottle of wine and small present? Then you can leave when you need (kids are a good excuse!) Otherwise you'll only feel more resentful.

I think you are frustrated, as you come up with solutions for her life (which she rejects) when all that is required of you is being a bit sympathetic and saying things like "that must be tough" or "I can see you feel that way".

She is making her own life choices, as are you, you don't need to fix her.

Go and have a drink/cheap and cheerful meal, and just listen and chat without offering solutions

I think your friend is hard work, but only you can tell whether she's worth the work. It might help you to take a step back, ignore what a mess she's making of her life and just listen every so often (if you only have to meet once a year, you can cut down other communications by saying you have to look after the children/cook/etc.). She's almost certainly going to be depressed if she's reached 30 without ever having a job/serious boyfriend/children, but you can help without being sucked into the pit of her despair:

• get a takeaway meal
• rent a film
• be prepared that she will want to talk all the way through it
• tell her how rewarding you find your work, even if it's only because it's steady money, and you can chat to your colleagues.
• remind her that a part time job in Top Shop is excellent for gathering material about how ordinary people behave when under stress, and how many different types of ordinary people there are, which is perfect if she wants to be an actress. She may not want a career in retail sales, but it's something that would bring in money and get her meeting people.

Then hopefully she can learn to stand on her own feet and get some self-confidence back.

First, tell her you can't afford to go out.

If she starts moaning about how her life is, ask her what she expected when she makes no effort.

You'll be doing her a favour really. A birthday alone with your parents should be enough to make you reflect upon how you are choosing to live your life, and if you've been able to point her thoughts on what she's not doing then she may actually change and have a happier birthday next year.

But don't don't don't go. You can't afford it.

I would probably try to be kind to her, even if your lives and situations are very different.

My life is more similar to your friend's and I'm the same age and definitely didn't want my life to be like this. That said I would be letting you talk about your life and helping you with the babies etc. rather than just sitting and crying/complaining!

Maybe you could go to the cinema so she doesn't have to talk too much?

Agree beforehand how long you will be there and make an excuse if you have to but be kind when you're there as being 30 and not having your life together is really difficult!

She sounds like an emotional drain. Why on earth would you want to spend your free time with someone who whinges so much about petty things? Life is too short to be a martyr.

I’m usually on the OPs side here but maybe she’s clinging to you because she has no one else? Try taking the advice here and arrange a girls night in, wine is like £5 and a take away £20 so not exactly breaking the bank. Try to relate to other things you might have in common, maybe personal thoughts, beliefs and experiences, or even hobbies or loves, I don’t know, something, anything.

I would go if she would otherwise be alone on her birthday but tell her I am not very well off for money at the moment so we would have to pay our own way. Give her card and cheer her up she is clearly not in a good place right now. Try to persuade her to join clubs or go out more to meet other single friends.

I think your friend needs to grow up.

UPDATE: this is awful, she is just crying non stop. Not eating. Not drinking.

OP know your limits, it sounds like she has problems beyond your help.