She won't let our friendship die!

[Jackfruitburger]

I know I might get flamed for this but I don't know what to do! A friend from college is turning 30 next week and she's asked me to meet her for drinks on the evening . We haven't seen each other since January and I hoped that she'd found some new friends who she might have a bit more in common with.
In college we were both on the same page, going out, coursework, arguing with parents etc. We started drifting when we went to different universities and afterwards, as our attitudes to work were very different. She has always wanted to be an actress and refuses to consider any other career. That said, she doesn't put in the work to get there so doesn't audition or do much amateur dramatics. She just goes to see plays and hopes to make connections
I've always worked, and now I have two children and have just bought a house. It is hard when we meet to find things to talk about as our lives are so different. I'm chasing a three year old around a cafe whilst feeding my newborn whilst she talks for 40 minutes about whether to text a boy back or wait for him to text her.
Last year she had to move back home as her parents stopped paying for her to live in an expensive university town. I met up with her on her birthday last year (with the kids) and she cried off and on all day about her situation (no job, no boyfriend, living with parents etc) but I think I managed to cheer her up a bit. This year she has asked if we can go out for a meal and a few drinks (I feel I should offer to pay as it's her birthday) and I don't know if I should go.
She said it will just be us (as no one else has replied/is busy) and that if I don't come then she'll have no birthday plans. I honestly can't really afford to, as I've had to pay our solicitors bill this month, but part of me feels that I should go for her, and to stop being selfish. It's just going to be excruciating as we're not close anymore and I'm sure there will be lots more crying than last year.
Help!

If she's not interested in your life at all and only talks about herself, I'd be tempted to either take the bull by the horn and say an outright no, or possibly just be ill on the night and unable to go. I'd keep making excuses about being too busy/exhausted with the kids, until she gets the message.
Life is too short to spend with "takers", or people when its a chore rather than a pleasure.

What would be the point of going one last time? You want to wind down the friendship so start now. If she's all alone on her birthday it's her fault, not yours.

Those that are sticking up for her obviously don't know someone like her, or perhaps they themselves are an energy vampires.

I think I would tell her that you can't afford a night out and just send her a card.

Those that are sticking up for her obviously don't know someone like her, or perhaps they themselves are an energy vampires.

The thing is, we have no idea as we only have what the OP says - and given OP's tone about how amazing and grown up she is, how important her own life is and how silly and irresponsible the friend is, I suspect this is a bit less one-sided than OP thinks. But anyway, it doesn't matter - OP clearly dislikes this person so I don't think she should go see her on her birthday, whether or not she's 'justified' in cutting her off. The friendship isn't going to do anyone any good regardless of where the fault lies, or indeed whether anyone at all is at fault.

'She might be as bored by your stories about parenthood and house buying as you are by her stories about dating, but still like you and want to see you.'

Quite

@MargaretCavendish I do take your point, but I always work on the assumption that the OP knows the situation best and has accurately described it. Sometimes I feel there is too much dissection of wording and tone rather that known facts.

And maybe try to be more understanding? She's obviously having a very hard time if nobody is meeting her at all on her Birthday!

Maybe nobody is meeting her on her birthday because she is an intolerable person and therefore has no friends!

She sounds like a total nightmare, and I would not be able to continue a friendship with someone who has wasted 10 years of opportunity and been too lazy and/or deluded to work. I agree it's now a bit late to cancel so I would say you have no money and she can come round or you there with wine and cake. If she starts the crying bullshit again I would not be able to refrain from sitting down with pen and paper and helping her make some sort of plan to get her shit together. Step 1 being applying for a job. If she isn't willing to help herself it will continue to be draining for you and frustrating to watch.

Hi OP, I wouldn't go. Just ring her and say that, now you have the house and children, your money and time isn't your own anymore, so you can't make it. However, you wish her a very happy birthday, and thank her for the invite.

Just ring her and say that, now you have the house and children, your money and time isn't your own anymore, so you can't make it.

Or maybe find a way of phrasing it that makes you sound like a bit less of a smug twat?

You have the perfect excuse in the shape of the fact that you have a big bill to pay. "I'm sorry, but I just don't have any money right now because I need to pay the solicitor". If you are feeling kind, I think the suggestion of tea and cake instead is a good one - make sure it's not an open-ended time slot.

I do think friendships are two-way affairs. Don't get me wrong, we all need to lean on others for a bit of support now and then, but both parties should make themselves available to be that shoulder at different times. If it's always all one way, it's not really a functional relationship.

'Just ring her and say that, now you have the house and children, your money and time isn't your own anymore, so you can't make it.'

Seriously

Go there are some sad folk out there.

Gosh, you don't sound very empathetic, OP. Would it really be so hard to take a few hours out of your own successful life to help someone mark what's no doubt going to be a difficult milestone, since she has no achievements to speak of?

I get that money is tight and you don't want an expensive night out that won't be particularly enjoyable for you. Could you stretch to a bottle of supermarket fizz, homemade picnic and perhaps a supermarket cake and number 30 candle? Cost about £10-15. Meet her in the local countryside or park for a couple of hours after work.

Like a PP, I'd find it hard to leave someone alone on such a significant birthday, especially someone I'd once cared about (even if I didn't much now).

Dearie me. I havent had a 'special' night out on any 'milestone' birthday since my 21st. How on earth have i survived? Its a birthday same as all the others. Nothing magical happens when you hit 30!

If this woman has been turned down by everyone else and she only got in contaxt with op to guilt trip her into going out with her that gives a clue as to why op shouldnt actually go.

Op doesnt despise this woman she is fed up with her attitude that the world owes her her big break without doing the slightest effort herself. Spending time watching someone cry into thier beer because they havent done anything constructive with thier lives or followed thier dreams every time you meet is draining and pretty selfish of them.

She doesnt have to be a 'big star' for op to like her just not so self absorbed. What people consider sucess in thier lives is very different from person to person. If the woman was happy then op would be happy l for her whatever she is doing. But not actually trying to do what you think is your goal then moaning about it doesnt endear people to want to hear the same stuff over and over again. Blaming the world for your lack of effort is boring after a while.

Well yes, watching someone cry into their beer is no-one's idea of fun. But on the Kate Spade thread the other day people were saying "Why don't desperate people ever ask for help?" The thing is, they frequently do, and help and support are not there. Not saying the OP's friend is suicidal, but she does sound unhappy, and a bit desperate about her birthday. It's just the one evening for the OP, and it might help her friend have a good day instead of a shit day on her big birthday.

Don't go, you can't afford it for starters.
Why is turning 30 a big deal?

Op, sorry but you sound a bit judgemental about her life. So she hasn't been as assertive in her career as she could have been, and is a bit lonely and sometimes hard work......do you only have friends or maintain friendships where people are successful and their lives are moving in the same direction as yours, and who are 'easy'?

It doesn't sound like you see her much (couple of times a year) and it doesn't sound as if she's constantly asking to get together, so I would consider showing a bit more compassion. This is her 30th and although if you want to get into 'rights' of course she isn't 'entitled' to have you there and no, you're not responsible for her, but as an old friend, would you rather she was on her own on her 30th as you'd rather not go, or are you willing to put yourself out a bit? People have suggested all kinds of cheaper options.....it will be about spending some time together, not the cost.

So, if you plan to 'drop her' I wouldn't do it in her 30th. And actually I'd have a think about the longer term future here. Some people do seem to have friends and quickly move on from them or drop them.....they don't seem to expect friendships to last beyond when it is convenient. You clearly have known this person a long time and have kept up with her, even if a bit resentfully. You do have a choice to 'drop her' if you want to....of course, it is your right to do that. However, I think I would like to be a bit more compassionate and giving if I found myself in your situation. Your life is going well and you are happy....don't you have just a little bit of that happiness to share with someone who's not having such a great time? I'm not of the view that friendships always have to be entirely equal or people putting into them and getting out the same amounts. Lives change and sometimes someone is up and someone down and sometimes one person is up or down for a long time and if we are the lucky ones, it's good to be a bit aware of how others might feel and how little things we do can make a big difference for them.

I'd go out with the friend for her birthday or have her round. I'd listen sympathetically and I'd try to have a good time and set up a situation/activity where this might be more possible. And I'd commit in my mind to see her a couple of times a year. I might not be getting huge amounts out of it now, but I'd do it for old times sake and because she's a bit lonely and needs a friend. You can choose not to be that friend, but it would be the kind thing to do, to choose to be her friend....and there's probably not enough kindness in the world.

Don't let your solicitors bill or price of a meal out become the excuse. There are cheap evenings out....in the end it's about if you're prepared to spend some time with her or not.

Compromise. Tell her you're skint but that you're sure if you put your heads together you can come up with something.

Don't pay to take her out, it'll leave you bristling all night. Do something you can afford.

Don't give her the chance to be sad and mope.

Say you really want to have a girly sleepover/day with pyjamas & bathrobes & face masks, drink prosecco and watch dirty dancing/groove around to the grease soundtrack.

Even if it is out of character, just dance around like a mad thing.

EITHER she'll have an amazing birthday she'll be never forget or she'll think you're completely nuts and not contact you again.

I think everyone deserves company on their 30th. Clearly she's struggling & she hasn't even seen you since January.

Just don't let the convo go anywhere sad. If she starts blathering, turn the music up and pass her a hairbrush to sing into :)

Nb. This would 100% be my honest solution to this...!!!

Thanks everyone. I think I will organise to do something with her, maybe not a meal out though. I don't like the assumption that in somehow only interested in people who are successful. I'm only a receptionist and I don't have much money. The only thing I expect of my friends is that if they are unhappy they try to do things to change their situation, I would hope they'd expect that it me.
I find this particular friend hard because I have a best friend who suffers from myalgia and is constant pain. She won't be able to have children as the anti epilepsy medication that she's on could cause severe birth defects. My other friend has lost a son to cancer and her mum is currently losing the battle too. I will listen to these people moan all day long, every day if they need to. When I listen to this friend, a grown woman, crying because her mum wanted her to get a part time job at Topshop and she says that she 'can't do menial work' I find it hard to be as sympathetic.
Last year she got very angry when I tried the 'tough love' approach. I told her that it was unrealistic to expect to move to London without a job if her mum is refusing to pay her rent. If she was willing to find a job then fair enough but she says that she cannot do something that doesn't 'fully interest her.'
My new approach will be to listen but not to indulge. Bring up the positives and hope that she sees that she has plenty to offer and that there are other things she can do which might not necessarily be drama related.

She sounds like she’s having a hard time. Whether that’s of her own making or not, I’d personally struggle with the decision to drop a friend on a significant birthday when they have no one else to celebrate with.

Why don't you I vote her to yours for two or three hours on her birthday and make a pizza or sonething and gave a ittke of wine. Cheap and cheerful and stipulate an end time so that she knows when the evening is up as you have to get up with the dcs in the morning?

invite

No.... I wouldn't go OP.. certainly not when you cannot afford to pay for the Meals.. and she will be anticipating your offering to pay as her birthday treat... it's just not affordable... I'd certainly consider the option of inviting her to yours for a bottle of wine and nibbles...

Please don't leave yourself with less money than you can afford

I think its a good idea to just suggest something you can actually afford to do with her rather than going on the meal out. Then she wont be left alone on her birthday but you wont be out of pocket.
She doesnt sound like a bad person just someone whos a bit naive and hasnt really gotten their shit together. Its a bit harsh to choose her birthday as the time to end the friendship. Especially as she hasnt actually done anything nasty and its her 30th and she would be totally alone if you dropped her at this point...So id just do something affordable with her like hanging out at one of your houses with some wine... and if you dont really want to be friends with her anymore address that at another time or slowly phase her out. You dont owe anyone friendship if you dont really like them.... but it does seem unkind to end it at this specific point.