She won't let our friendship die!

[Jackfruitburger]

I know I might get flamed for this but I don't know what to do! A friend from college is turning 30 next week and she's asked me to meet her for drinks on the evening . We haven't seen each other since January and I hoped that she'd found some new friends who she might have a bit more in common with.
In college we were both on the same page, going out, coursework, arguing with parents etc. We started drifting when we went to different universities and afterwards, as our attitudes to work were very different. She has always wanted to be an actress and refuses to consider any other career. That said, she doesn't put in the work to get there so doesn't audition or do much amateur dramatics. She just goes to see plays and hopes to make connections
I've always worked, and now I have two children and have just bought a house. It is hard when we meet to find things to talk about as our lives are so different. I'm chasing a three year old around a cafe whilst feeding my newborn whilst she talks for 40 minutes about whether to text a boy back or wait for him to text her.
Last year she had to move back home as her parents stopped paying for her to live in an expensive university town. I met up with her on her birthday last year (with the kids) and she cried off and on all day about her situation (no job, no boyfriend, living with parents etc) but I think I managed to cheer her up a bit. This year she has asked if we can go out for a meal and a few drinks (I feel I should offer to pay as it's her birthday) and I don't know if I should go.
She said it will just be us (as no one else has replied/is busy) and that if I don't come then she'll have no birthday plans. I honestly can't really afford to, as I've had to pay our solicitors bill this month, but part of me feels that I should go for her, and to stop being selfish. It's just going to be excruciating as we're not close anymore and I'm sure there will be lots more crying than last year.
Help!

Well, you clearly don’t like or respect her - so don’t go.

I think I would do as others have said, maybe invite her round to your place and cook her dinner. I too have a 'friend' like her and it's a shame because when one is so self-absorbed it's actually impossible to have any meaningful friendship because they are not capable of actually listening or empathising with anyone else. I see her because I feel sorry for her but I always prepare myself in advance to just listen, and I don't expect anything of her then I'm not disappointed.

please go for a cheap night out with her pizza or pasta place .It would be nice to pay for her but only if you could afford it. Sound like she has no friends and is lonely . But thats me i wouldn't like to think of anyone alone on a milestone birthday . It's 5 months since you have seen her so not pestering you all the time and in future get her to come to yours when she wants to meet up . You are obviously not close as haven't seen her for 5 months and you are the only person she has got to celebrate her 30th with

I would go for being kind this time and celebrate this birthday with her as it is her 30th. Don't do anything you can't afford, but do celebrate with her. She might not be letting your friendship die because she doesn't have any other friends.

Me & my best friend have completely different lives but we still get on very well as we have known each other for 30+ years, she’s like family really. If you don’t even like her or get on then I understand where you’re coming from, but if you do still have a connection then maybe you should keep the friendship going? Only you can decide. Maybe get her to come over rather than meet out, or go to hers so you can leave when it gets too much.

I don't think I could knowingly leave someone alone on a milestone birthday even if I wasn't keen. I would tell her that you can't afford to go out but happy to go over with a bottle of wine?

Sounds like you're dumping her now you've got kids. Not everybody has their life all sorted out by 30. Maybe she thinks you're getting self-absorbed now you have a family and she is trying to keep a friendship she values alive? It's not nice being the last one single - try and have some sympathy.

You aren't being mean at all. You can't afford to treat her to a dinner so don't agree to a restaurant meal.

If you really want to drop her then just say you can't make it work for any suggestions.

What a ridiculous attitude not doing any amateur dramatics because of aiming to be a professional. Imagine someone aiming to be a professional athlete refusing to compete in amateur competitions because they were waiting for the contract and salary to start before they bothered to improve their experience and skills.

She might be as bored by your stories about parenthood and house buying as you are by her stories about dating, but still like you and want to see you.

I would go round if it's her 30th - do it in her house so you can leave when you want to, watch an uplifting film, take a pizza with you.

Has she contacted you in the last 5 months to ask how you are doing?

Sounds to me like she's no more into you (as a person) than you are to her. She just doesn't want to spend her birthday alone. I'd have no problems dumping a user TBH.

At the age of 30 it's probably time she faced up to the consequences of behaving badly.

If you don't like her Op, don't go!

Really, why are women told to do stuff for the sake of other adults who do nothing for them?

Go, for old time's sake - it is her 30th.

Then let it slide. Actually your comments about her are not very nice at all. There is no need to justify the fact that you are no longer friends because she is this or that.

She is living her life her way, she may not have been lucky enough to have found the right job/man/to have had kids - whatever it is you have "achieved".

Personally I used to hate those of my friends who had "moved forward" and looked down on me because I was still/renting/dating/choosing pubs over dinner parties. (30 years on and you realise that it really doesn't matter. I am still friends with the good ones and we are very close. The ones who were so smug at 30 have had their share of ups and downs to say the least).

Go out with her - don't take the kids - you can't possibly give her your attention with two children there - make it special for her with flowers or a nice card - because kindness is important. Then move on with your life.

You don’t like or care for her OP and that’s ok , just don’t waste your time or hers there is no point , she offers you nothing friendship wise and appears to think she is one of lives special snowflakes who is different to everyone else . The friendship has run its course , let her down gently but maybe give her a chance if she really makes the effort to be a friend to you . I wouldn’t pay for dinner, why keep her dangling on .

"Perhaps she needs the reality check of nothing happening on her birthday, so that next year when she’s 40 she has made some changes."

Her big birthday soon is 30, not 39...

And I agree with what rwalker said.

I have nearly 4 kids ( pregnant with number 4 )and work full time in my career and my best friend in the world has none and is a student just now doesn’t intend to but we both add something to each other’s lives , sometimes people are it’s not for you .

You obviously have no respect for her or like her because she's not living her life the same way as you. I personally couldn't get so worked up over that, just end the friendship and leave it. She's clearly having a rubbish time, she sounds lonely and fed up and has unkind friends too 🤔

I'd see her on her birthday one last time as I couldn't stand the thought of someone spending their birthday alone. As PP said if you can't afford it then offer to have a girls night in together. After that cut her off, I think it's the best thing for both of you.

She might be as bored by your stories about parenthood and house buying as you are by her stories about dating, but still like you and want to see you.

^^

I would go as it is her 30th ( wine in the house, not paying for a meal out) , but cool things off after this. Maybe after hearing her woes you could offer to help her work up a plan to improve her life, so something positive comes out of your last meetup.

I think you should just not go - I get what other people are saying about not leaving her alone on a big birthday, but spending the day with someone who clearly looks down on her (I can't imagine that she really hasn't noticed your total disdain) isn't going to be a great birthday for her either.

'Professional actors never do am dram because they want to be professionals'!!

What world is that then? If you dont have a basic grounding in theatre with experience of am dram/local theatre a dream job is never going to just land in your lap!
There are countless talented actors out there who work thier butts off and never get to be famous just damm good at thier job but have to work at other jobs to supplement acting.

Op you are not being mean. Your friend seems to think she will miraculously be 'spotted' at some play and the person will recognise her talent somehow just by looking at her! It aint gonna hapown. By the time her 40th comes round she will still be in the same boat unless she wakes up and does something with her life.

Maybe a low key meet up this yime then not again. You arent responsible for her life nor het feeling good. If she only ever contacts you to make her feel better or to complain to its all one sided and not a good friendship.

I would meet her this time, because I would find it too sad to think of her having literally no friend to drink to her good health on her 30th birthday. I wouldn't make it anywhere massively expensive, and if you truly can't afford to pay, let her know beforehand.

I would try to stay positive if she goes on a downer like last year - assure her (truthfully) that 30 is young, and she has time to make any changes that will improve her life.

The friendship does seem to have run its course though, so I would be backing gradually away afterwards, unless she changes her ways.

What stands out for me is that she is obviously aware that this friendship has run its course. People don't normally feel the need to emphasise that they'll be ALL ALONE for a MILESTONE BIRTHDAY if this one specific person doesn't come and hold their hand. You don't need to guilt trip people into spending time with you if you think they like you.

She knows you don't really want to be there. She just wants to make you spend time with her anyway.

She clearly has supportive (not to say over-supportive) parents. There's not really enough information here to say why she doesn't have any good friends. Maybe she has low self-esteem, or maybe she's just massively self-absorbed. Either way I don't think you can fix her problems.

I guess the clincher for me would be: does she ask you about your life, listen to your concerns, generally show an interest?

It's possible to be good friends with people who have very different lives. It's not possible to be good friends with people who think it's all about them.

I wouldn’t go, she sounds draining.
I have excluded draining people from my life - they are too much hard work. Clearly she is not helping her own situation.

I am more than happy to advise/listening to friends/family and give advice but anyone draining/toxic can do one.