She won't let our friendship die!

[Jackfruitburger]

I know I might get flamed for this but I don't know what to do! A friend from college is turning 30 next week and she's asked me to meet her for drinks on the evening . We haven't seen each other since January and I hoped that she'd found some new friends who she might have a bit more in common with.
In college we were both on the same page, going out, coursework, arguing with parents etc. We started drifting when we went to different universities and afterwards, as our attitudes to work were very different. She has always wanted to be an actress and refuses to consider any other career. That said, she doesn't put in the work to get there so doesn't audition or do much amateur dramatics. She just goes to see plays and hopes to make connections
I've always worked, and now I have two children and have just bought a house. It is hard when we meet to find things to talk about as our lives are so different. I'm chasing a three year old around a cafe whilst feeding my newborn whilst she talks for 40 minutes about whether to text a boy back or wait for him to text her.
Last year she had to move back home as her parents stopped paying for her to live in an expensive university town. I met up with her on her birthday last year (with the kids) and she cried off and on all day about her situation (no job, no boyfriend, living with parents etc) but I think I managed to cheer her up a bit. This year she has asked if we can go out for a meal and a few drinks (I feel I should offer to pay as it's her birthday) and I don't know if I should go.
She said it will just be us (as no one else has replied/is busy) and that if I don't come then she'll have no birthday plans. I honestly can't really afford to, as I've had to pay our solicitors bill this month, but part of me feels that I should go for her, and to stop being selfish. It's just going to be excruciating as we're not close anymore and I'm sure there will be lots more crying than last year.
Help!

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

I don't know aspiring actresses can be prone to dramatics.

What were her reasons for sobbing? Other than someone she knows was having a party on the day she was thinking about having a do and not getting enough Happy Birthdays on FB?
It sounds as though she's quite prone to having the odd meltdown on birthdays? Last year was the same although that time it was over not having a job or boyfriend and the whole evening was spent discussing Her.

She did say rather dramatically that "if you don't come, she'll have no birthday plans!" Now it transpires she was planning a party for Saturday.

I have a suspicion she rather enjoys putting on a performance and having lots of attention and people falling over themselves to cheer her up. Which you managed to do after about an hour.

Sorry this friendship sounds very one sided. Is she interested in your life at all or are your evenings always spent listening to her woes which are never her fault. She sounds like hard work.

[maskingtape]

I should say that this is wuite raw for me as I've lost several friends when they got married and had kids. Not through my lack of trying or understanding of their responsibilities or tiredness.

[maskingtape]

You seem to expect her to understand your life (kids etc) but don't seem to be showing her the same courtesy. She doesn't have kids or quite the same responsibilities but it doesn't mean she doesn't deserve friendship. Talking about texting a guy back would have been important to you once too probably. That's still the stage in life she's at as she doesn't have a partner or children. Try to understand it.

[AynRandTheObjectivist]

Take her to the theatre, but before hand do a bit of research into how one or two of the actors stated out ie their 1st jobs , 1st acting role and how long ago it was , hopfully this will make her realise just how much hard work has to go into acting .

That is way too much work!

[Jackfruitburger]

@Jux your health is the most important thing in the world, this girl definitely takes good health for granted.

[Angie169]

yep cross posts cos I took to long to write that

[thedevilinablackdress]

Angie OP has updated just a few posts up

[Angie169]

I have a couple ideas but not sure if they would work for you / friend .
1 , take her to the cinema, then a burger at Mc Ds or B'King so you have time for a chat but not a hours of ranting.
2, Take her to the theatre, but before hand do a bit of research into how one or two of the actors stated out ie their 1st jobs , 1st acting role and how long ago it was , hopfully this will make her realise just how much hard work has to go into acting . Burger after.
3, picnic in the local park where she has bring the food , this will be cheap for you and you can take DCs.
4, bottle of wine and frozen pizza at her house with a prearranged call from some one that needs you help so you have to go ( yes a bit cowardly but it will get you away )
5, if you are up for a challenge while at her house , together write down her goals and how she plans to achieve them , hopefully putting it in writing will make her see just what she needs to do to help herself and keep her on track for what she wants in life .

Good luck , let us know what you decide to do and how it went.

[Bunchofdaffodils]

Oh dear, poor woman.

[Jux]

God helos those who help themselves.

My mum and grandmother both used to say that. You don't have to believe in God to take the meaning though.

I don't have a great deal of patience for people like this woman, footloose and fancy free, could do anything at all anywhere in the world, could actually build a meaningful life for herself, but won't demean herself with menial work.

No wonder her life is as it is. I have no sympathy, in fact I am quite angry. I would give the world to be her - no disability, no constant pain, no waking up in the morning wondering whether your body is actually going to work well enough to get out of bed let alone dress....... no, no sympathy at all.

She needs to grow up.

[Monkeypuzzle32]

Agree with AynRand but at least I was always in work-this is a situation of her own making largely, how does she meet partners if she doesn’t work or go out? She needs to help herself before anyone else can help her.

[Movablefeast]

It's easy to see why she doesn't have many friends, she is absolutely refusing to take any meaningful steps to independence and therefore maturity.

[AynRandTheObjectivist]

When I was single and childless, I definitely thought anyone who was married with a family had a life that was perfect, or near to, or certainly closer than mine.

Now I'm married with a family, I realise it's not that simple :) But I do remember how it felt and being so worried it would never happen for me and I would always be unhappy.

I think you should show a little kindness. I'm sure your life isn't perfect but given that you aren't weeping about it, it's probably happier than hers.

[MrsChanningTatum]

Oh dear. She sounds depressed, as she is snapping at you and being irritable towards you about your situation in life.

Would she approach her GP for councilling and maybe an assessment for anti depressants?

[BollywoodQueenie]

She needs to see her GP if she's that bad

[RabbitsAreTasty]

It is not your job to reassure her. It is OK if she feels bad. Just be yourself. Say what you really think. Even if that is oh FFS stop whining about your self-inflicted pain.

[Jackfruitburger]

DP is saving my ass by chatting to her non stop about all the latest metal bands he's into, making her laugh. I feel like I should be more sympathetic but I see her once a year. I don't know how to reassure her like I do with my close friends.

[thedevilinablackdress]

JoJo the OP is with her now, so she didn't leave her alone on her birthday...

[JoJoManon]

I don't think I could knowingly leave someone alone on a milestone birthday even if I wasn't keen. I would tell her that you can't afford to go out but happy to go over with a bottle of wine?

100% this.

[AuntyElle]

• your (FFS!)

[AuntyElle]

I've tried reassuring, counselling, tough love, changing the subject. It just seems to set her off more.

That’s a hell of a lot for one (birthday) evening!! (I’m assuming you’re not actually a counsellor?)

Try to take a step back and just listen, make reassuring noises, ply with chocolate.
Suggest a film on TV? A 30th when you feel you’re life isn’t going well is horrible for anyone.

[WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam]

Don’t overthink it OP.

Just provide support and empathy, gently ask her what she thinks would be best to move on from where she’s at right now if she’s receptive. Tell her you know counselling can help people in similar situations and that she can get help through her GP. Just roll with it. No need to panic about someone being upset :)

[Whocansay]

Facebook really is great for making people feel like shit.

It sounds like life hasn't turned out for her quite as she'd hoped, (does anyone's?). I don't think there's anything you can actually do, other than listen to her. She sounds in a bad place tonight. Hopefully she will be better tomorrow. Having her over was very kind.

[Jackfruitburger]

I'm with her, I took the advice to invite her over. She was ok then went quiet then started crying. It's so hard. I've tried reassuring, counselling, tough love, changing the subject. It just seems to set her off more. She said that one of her friends is having a party on the same Saturday night when she planned to have hers (although she didn't invite anyone) and she hasn't had enough Facebook happy birthday messages. I'm a bit pissed off because she snapped at me for having 'a partner and children' as if that means my life is wonderful all the time. I just feel out of my depths. Help!

[Failingat40]

Can you ask her what she thinks would help her feel better?

What a shame.

Thank goodness she's not completely alone on her birthday