To think that if you don't have a solid group of friends you've known since childhood then friendships are hard in adulthood?

[FeeseAndChickle]

Everyone I know seems to have a solid group of girlfriends that they've known since childhood or secondary school days. They all prioritise this group of friends over other friendships and any other friendships are therefore an afterthought and come second place.

We moved areas when I was 12 and I lost touch with childhood friends. We didn't move to the friendliest area and I struggled to make friends at secondary school. I did make one friend in the end but she was, looking back, a frenemy.

I do have friends now but I know them all separately and as I mentioned they all prioritise their main group of friends over their friendship with me. I also feel that those who have that good base group of friends have others that are desperate to be friends with them too, whilst if you are like me then no one particularly is bothered about being 'in' with you.

Yes I would agree with you OP. I lost most of my friends due to bullying at 16. I've made a few friends over the years but mostly individually. Everyone else has this core group of friends that are 'real friends'. I don't really trust anyone and don't get too close with anyone, if I can help it now. Hopefully someone else will have a more uplifting, hopeful post.

I have a few very good school friends that live quite a distance to me so we don’t catch up that often but they are still very good friends and when we do catch up it’s like we’ve never been apart. My main group of friends are now Mums from school who I vaguely knew of growing up as they kind of moved in the same circles (rural area, farming/horsey background). So yes, I do think you’re a bit unreasonable! Do you have any hobbies or interests where you can meet people and make friends?

Yeah, I've moved lots & have various friends, all with their own group of "ladies". I'm never in a group, none of my friends know each other & most of them live miles away.

I do think to a certain extent it is harder to make friends as an adult than it is as a child.
Plus you can kind of drift away as you hit life milestones.
Since having kids and moving away I don't see old friends as much as I'd like to. Rarely lately.
Finding new ones are hard, but it's not impossible.
You'll find someone you "click" with with similar interests.
Got a school mum I meet up with quite a bit for meals out etc.
Just get out there, be approachable and there'll be others out there too wanting friends but too shy to maybe do anything about it.

Do you have kids OP? I have made loads of friends through baby groups and my kids' school. I also volunteer and have made a number of very good friends through this. I moved away from where I was brought up and am not in contact with any childhood friends. Mind you, I am pretty old now.

Sorry to hear some of you have the same issues.

I have people to have coffee with, to have the occasional night out with, to chat to and text, but they just all prioritise their main group of friends and would not hesitate to cancel seeing me if one of their real friends needed them or invited them somewhere.

I never get invited on any girls' weekends away, never get invited to anyone's wedding or birthday party, and none of my friends would have a holiday with me like they do with their other friends in a group.

As an adult who moved to this country almost 10 years ago I can vouch for this experience. If I’m lucky I’m slotted in as a work friend, but I will never be invited into a group. I’ve learned to live with it. It was lonely at first but now I don’t care as much. Sorry OP. It sucks!

Yes this is me. It’s awful isn’t it? I don’t know how to ‘make’ new friends as everyone has an already established group of friends going back years.

I agree OP. Friends I have now are all separate. I guess I could make an effort to have two or three over for drinks to try to form a bond but I'm also a bit antisocial and it's just easier to carry on as I am than try to play hostess and force great times to happen that would warrant doing it again. I'm too old for that kind of effort when things are cushy

I think it depends on where you live. I moved to London after graduating and there were a lot of other people there who had gone there for work and had neither friends nor family so we're as desperate for friends as I was. Just before DC1 was born, we moved out of London to an area which is a fairly usual place to move out to so, again, there were a lot of people looking for friends.
I am friends with one person from primary school days and one from secondary school days. I have lost touch with everyone else I was at school with.

not necessarily, having moved about a bit, I find there are usually plenty of other people who have moved about too.

When I look at my friends most have a similar back ground to me (as in moving as children and moving as a on adult)

I have a few who have the chore friendships from childhood and a couple do prioritise that.

I was bullied horrendously at secondary school. All my friends date from university days onwards. It's fine though. Despite having moved around quite a lot I have good friends. But I would say of my friends that we all do move around and have several groups rather than a core group. I have different groups of friends I've met in various settings and a handful of really close friends. But I don't expect anyone to prioritise me above all else.

No I disagree. I have various groups of friends - some from a levels, some from uni, some from various jobs, some from house shares, some since becoming a parent. Some have got to know each other over the years. None are particularly more 'important' than others.

Tbh, I find those social groups that were bonded in childhood a bit stifling. What are the chances of those particular people having much in common, apart from when and where they were born? They always seem a bit claustrophobic and like it's hard to be truly open and honest. But then I live in London, not sure if the greater churn makes for more social opportunities?

I think research indicates that repeated low intensity contact, over an extended period, is what drives friendships. So work and work drinks; toddler coffee mornings; pub quizzes. That then might expand beyond that. Can you create or join those opportunities?

I certainly think it gives you confidence to have thst solid base of childhood friends. You never come across as desperate or feel desperate to make friendships work as you have those friends behind you. Then other people want to be your friend because they can see you are already wanted by others.

Blacktea I think you have it spot on! 👍🏻 I totally agree

I’m not in contact with any of my old school friends. I have about 8-10 really close friends I have made in my late 20s and 30s though. They are all ex work friends or people I met through my children. I wouldn’t be without them.

I made very few friends at school - I was bullied and shy. But I have made a number of really strong friendships as an adult.

For me, the thing that makes a difference is having hobbies/interests that take me out of the house and make me meet up with other people who share that interest/hobby.

I felt exactly like that until I had kids. I moved away at 28 from my home town and original group of friends and for a few years it was just me and my husband which I didn't actually mind. As soon as my girls went to school I made quite a few friends with the mums and we were all best buds until playground attitudes and tactics kicked off. The group I was in had been quite cliquey but i'm not that way inclined and was already friends with others luckily. It takes time to trust people and to be trusted. Some people are worth the effort and some aren't but you'll never know unless you try to make friends. I've learnt a lot of eye opening lessons over the past few years but would say I have a few good friends that I can rely on. Good luck finding some friends you can trust and who deserve you X

Do you live in the countryside or are you quite young?
I'm 41 and I don't think many people my age have their old school friends as their main friendship group.

This hasn't been the case for me at all. I gleefully waved goodbye to my horrible 'friends' from school at 16 and have been lucky enough to meet fab people year on year since then. I don't think I really met anyone on the same wavelength as me
untill I was in my twenties. I've moved cities a couple of times too. I'm really lucky to have a great bunch around me, we do all have a few different 'groups' of friends though. Do you live in friendly places? It has taken me longer to make friends in more insular places - I've found i normally end up making friends with people who also aren't from the area.

Nope I don't have friendships with people I knew before the age of 16, mainly because I have nothing in common with the people I went to secondary school with. Most of them had kids early and have no other interests/hobbies.

I don't find this at all.

I've been on holiday with a group of friends I made through volunteering; I also made some good friends in an old job and have been on holiday with them a few times too.

Whereas on the other hand although I am still in contact with friends from school it's more on a dinner a few times a year basis than anything closer.

The people I feel closest to right now are probably my school mum friends, I guess because I see them most regularly.

Thinking about everybody I know, in different groups, although people do have maybe one or two old established "best" friends from somewhere I can't think of anybody who is still tight with a whole group from school.

I do think it's luck of the draw as to whether you meet people you click with. And it is harder as you get older - the aforementioned holidays were when we were all still child free.

I have one friend from primary school. The others I have made via antenatal groups and school gates- it's a large and fluctuating group that has lots of "splinter" groups where a few smaller subgroups of people will know others outside this circle that a few of them will go out with but not the rest of the group iyknwim.

This has evolved I think because I've made an effort to invite people out rather that waiting for the invite- and invite a few people that don't necessarily know each other because then they might become friends and be happy to be "out out" together in the future.

But I know how hard this is op and I feel for you because it's taken me YEARS. I'm 42 and have been living in my current town (where friend from school also lives) since I was 23, and have had three children so three lots of baby groups. And have made massive efforts to cultivate friendships when I am borderline introvert/extrovert so socialising isn't always my go-to activity!

I just recently moved area and I have no idea how to go about this.

I haven't kept any friends from school but that was a conscious choice. They were a vile exclusionary bunch.

Friends from uni spread far and wide, everyone has work, then child commitments and then extended family commitments. It just becomes easy to count commenting on Facebook updates as being in touch but it's artificial in a way

It is tough especially if you are single

It must be me. As on these threads people always say they met so many friends when their children went school but I haven't made any! Not even any hellos . I did get friendly with one woman after having my baby but then I attempted to make friends by saying hello when I seen her but it was clearly one sided and half the time she would blank me! So I stopped bothering. I have no friends from school as I was bullied badly. Seems impossible making them as an adult.