To think that if you don't have a solid group of friends you've known since childhood then friendships are hard in adulthood?

[FeeseAndChickle]

Everyone I know seems to have a solid group of girlfriends that they've known since childhood or secondary school days. They all prioritise this group of friends over other friendships and any other friendships are therefore an afterthought and come second place.

We moved areas when I was 12 and I lost touch with childhood friends. We didn't move to the friendliest area and I struggled to make friends at secondary school. I did make one friend in the end but she was, looking back, a frenemy.

I do have friends now but I know them all separately and as I mentioned they all prioritise their main group of friends over their friendship with me. I also feel that those who have that good base group of friends have others that are desperate to be friends with them too, whilst if you are like me then no one particularly is bothered about being 'in' with you.

I only have one friend from school and she lives abroad. I moved here to go to uni so I have a few friends from student times. The rest I've made over the years through different groups.

I do think it's easier in London as so many of us are not actually from here.

Most of my friends are from the school gate. I've long lost touch with school or uni friends as we didn't really have much in common in the end. So all my friends have been made as an adult!

I disagree with this but I think I am one of those people who finds making friends easy.

I do have friends from school but they all live in a different country to me and I only see them when I visit them or they visit me usually individually.

When I moved to the UK I didn't know anyone or have any friends here but have since made lots of friends through work etc.

My best friend I met through work and I would say I have a little group that includes my best friend and another few friends from work that I spent a lot of time with either as a group or individually.

I do know its not easy for everyone to make friends though. My DP is the opposite of me and only has two friends he made through university. But then he does not like socialising very much and prefers to be at home most of the time where as I love spending time with my friends and going out.

I moved around a lot.
I have my best friend from uni, who I tell everything to.

one from school, who I phone atleast once a month and see twice or 3 times a year.

3PNG mums (who we whataspp most days with Moans, meet up every couple of weeks for curry and wine and go abroad together once a year at least to Prague or Budapest etc)

and a nice bunch from Ds1's football that I go out with as a gin club, go for a long weekend to Prague or Tenerife.

Lots of other school mums who I spend quite a bit of time with.

That fulfills all my desires for close meaningful relationships.

So, I have to totally disagree with OP.

I have to disagree since I have no friends remaining from my childhood. I met my best friend when I was 20 and we have been friends for over 50 years, Other friends I've made at various stages of my adult life - some were short and some long-term. The last good friend I made I was in my late 60s.

OP, I do agree that there is some truth in this. I have a group from school and it means that in new situations I am happy to try to make new friends knowing if I fail it doesn’t really matter. However, I do have good friends from other areas of my life including neighbours and I would and have never ditched them for school or any other friends as this is frankly a DICK move!

My observation for what it’s worth is that adult friendships take much much longer to cultivate as we no longer have hours and hours of class and hanging around time to develop and deepen them. I have known some people for several years before we graduated to drinks then nights out and a proper friendship! Also my SIL didn’t have friends from school despite being very outgoing and chatty but now as an adult has loads. Her method was to literally do everything, classes, hobbies, sports, inviting people out constantly despite knock backs, offering help, not everyone can be so tenacious but it worked for her!

I have my old school friends group, baby mum friends and several school mum friends groups as I have 3 older children. I also have friends that I have met randomly who I meet up with and I'm very friendly with the women in my close and will meet up for drinks and or dinner. I know that if I didn't have children I wouldn't have as many friends though.

I have moved twice since I met and married my DH. I still have my childhood pals, but I made plenty of new ones in both the places we lived.

The pals I have now have seen me through two bereavements, serious illnesses and are the best bunch of friends. We're all there for each other.

Yes, unless you can find a group with a shared interest (much as you did at school). For me that was mums when my children were small, although we mostly drifted appart once children were no longer our main interest and then joining a running club has quite literally changed my life. I have an amazing circle of friends through that and I have never been particularly sociable.

YANBU. I had health problems as a teenager. I missed a lot of school due to be ill/hospital appointments/physio appointments. I never built a good friendship group up as a teenager and at 32 it does still make me feel sad.

I make friends easily as I'm outgoing but it would be nice to have those long-lasting relationships

I agree to an extent. I moved to my town 6 years ago and it's taken 6 long years of baby groups and nursery and school to gradually make friends. It's been a real effort though, it's taken work. I've told DH we're never moving again. Young children do help - without two maternity leaves I don't think I would know a soul properly. And tbh of the friends I do have, only one or two are real, proper friends.

@openup41 that’s terribly sad and I’m sorry you experienced that, what she did was really mean.

DH has a group of friends from school. They are all still close at nearly 40. I am in occasional contact with a couple of friends from school. Same for uni - we met up a couple of times a year for a while but it was a pain always having to be the one to do the four hour round trip as they all lived closer to each other than to me.

It doesn't overly bother me. I have made quite a few friends through my hobby. If anyone gets too close I prefer to back off. My family are my "group." And I would choose them for confiding in/holidays etc over any friends.

That's not to say I don't have a life or make friends easily. I just choose to have many friends around me rather than one close group.

My one friend from primary lives abroad and my best friend from secondary lives miles away. Catch up about twice a year. I'm not on facebook. Great friends from college and from starting work over 30 years ago in a new city. Have made new friends since but none as solid as those two groups. I found l had a big group of school gate friends but kids grew up and we just catch up now and then as all busy.

I think you really have to make the effort. I always felt like I was the outsider growing up, and I was on the periphery of several groups. I talk to one kid from school now and it's more about the shared history than having lots in common.
I've lost and gained in friendships over the years, from relationship breakdowns to stopping hobbies to growing apart.
I managed to find a few people I really connect with - when I least expected it. From reconnections with old childhood friends (i.e. not one of those cliquey stifling friendships where everything has been done together - we've spent years apart and drifted back together at different times) to new friends of friends. It's making the effort to invite new people that's daunting, I find, as an adult! I hate the rejection but you do have to be brave. The worst someone can do is say no!

A tricky one! I know this is the case for some people. However, I met some of the very best friends I have ever had when my DC were small - and that's getting on for 20 years ago. I am still friendly with a couple of people I was at school and university with, but I think things change depending on circumstances. And I'm glad they do, as it gives you opportunities to make friends with people who happen to fit in with the stage you're at then. FWIW, I now don't live in the same city as my NCT friends, but still see them. They were part of a very special time in my life (when my DC were little and lovely), and although I now have friends who I see pretty much every day, whom I've met since through work and the DC being older, I still cherish my 'babyhood' friends.

Communication between me and my school friends dissapated when we left school, they went to uni in different places I didn’t go, got a bf and was pregnant at 19.we did keep touch for w while but not as close as we were. I still speak to them but as I’ve now moved cities and they are all back in hometown it’s hard to keep up. I made a lot of friends at work oneof my besties I have now I met 13 years ago when I started work. We’ve been through a lot and 5 pregnancy’s. Although we don’t see each other all that often we always catch up daily.

Think where you live certainly comes into it in my experience

Living in London, very few people grew up around here, so childhood friends are probably scattered around the country (although quite a few of my very close school friends also moved to London for work and we see each other a fair bit)

But I'm finding that my friendship group grows over time, and some of the people I socialise most with are people I've only met in the last few years (I'm 36). I can't have kids so none are NCT mums. I've met loads of people through work - though as a freelancer I'm lucky enough to move around enough that I meet a lot of new work colleagues and make a lot of new friends from different companies. I've met people online and through MN who've become RL friends. People from my yoga class. People I met on a fitness holiday. Some of these are very dear friends now.

Many people in my friendship circle are from overseas, so their childhood friends are the other side of the world! I think my experience is probably very different to other areas where people may live where they grew up, and where their friendship group has remained broadly the same.

I feel like this, my friends at school were pretty crap and I was a pretty crap friend at that age so not trying to sound self pitying.

I have a gang of long distance uni friends and we try to make the effort to get together but I suck at adult friendship.

The problem with making adult friends is it seems like putting in a huge amount of effort for very poor results and I have got a lot better at doing things on my own so am even less motivated. I also think the best friendships are forged by going through something formative with a person and as a grown up you have less opportunities for that.

I worry that I now only want adult friends for selfish reasons, fear of being isolated with no support, rather than because I genuinely value such relationships.

Yikes that was a ramble!

Nope. Not at all. I was a very unsocial child. I know literally nothing about the current life of even one person I knew from anywhen up to uni. (Family excepted).

My oldest friends are from early 20's and every place I've worked/lived ( a LOT of different places ) I've made another friend or two. Some last, some don't, there's always more people out there.

The trick is not to try to break into established groups. If your new to the area, find other people new to the area. Their social cards aren't as locked in, and they are generally more open to new friends.
Same on the playground, look for other parents standing by themselves. At work, the people who are NOT already the centre of the social group.

I'm 40 and still have my childhood best friend from the age of 4. We went to different secondary schools but remained I close right through as still lived near each other.

I went away to uni and she moved cities and contact was always sporadic but if she tags me on fb it's always "my best friend" etc which is weird as we hardly see each other now despite her moving back to our home city a few years ago after her divorce.

I don't really see anyone from secondary school and my one of my best friends from childhood lives next door so I've known her well over 30 years. We have a great bunch of neighbours and all socialise together, 4/5 of us usually.

I don't really bother with the school mums apart from hello/general chit chat as nobody there is around my age, either much younger or older.

I think that when you get older it's definitely quality over quantity.
I have lots of "casual friends" from various parts of my life that wouldn't be the first person I would call with good/bad news etc.

Although appearing extroverted I'm quite the opposite and sometimes struggle with friendship and like my own company a bit too much which is difficult when your closest friends all happen to live around you and know what you're doing all the time!

I don't belong to a " group " of friends , never wanted to, not into mass socialising. However I have made two fantastic friends in adulthood one is my absolute bestie and this was through work and hobbies. My bestie I met through my hobby, it's a cliche but that's how to meet likeminded people I think.

I've made many more good friends since being an adult. I was in a group at school but things changed as people went to uni, got boyfriends etc and we drifted apart. I don't live where I grew up. I still keep in touch with one or two but most of my friends now are people I've met in later life. I'm in my forties.

I agree. I have established lots of "good" friendships in my adult life through various different areas ( work/ school gates) and whilst they are good solid friendships, my 3 closest friends are from school and take priority.