To think that if you don't have a solid group of friends you've known since childhood then friendships are hard in adulthood?

[FeeseAndChickle]

Everyone I know seems to have a solid group of girlfriends that they've known since childhood or secondary school days. They all prioritise this group of friends over other friendships and any other friendships are therefore an afterthought and come second place.

We moved areas when I was 12 and I lost touch with childhood friends. We didn't move to the friendliest area and I struggled to make friends at secondary school. I did make one friend in the end but she was, looking back, a frenemy.

I do have friends now but I know them all separately and as I mentioned they all prioritise their main group of friends over their friendship with me. I also feel that those who have that good base group of friends have others that are desperate to be friends with them too, whilst if you are like me then no one particularly is bothered about being 'in' with you.

My sister moved country in her twenties. She is a very friendly person who had lots of friends. She said making new friends was hard and reckoned that people have already made their friends and just don't want/need any more.

You see it on here, on the "Wendy" threads . . . people feel threatened with a new person joining a group: how dare she invite someone to go somewhere with her 1-1 !! I agree that the "Wendy" phenomenon exists but I don't think all of them are Wendies, just people trying to build up their own friendship group.

Pippy that sounds like me too

I am not in touch with anyone from my school days. I have some good university friends that I see infrequently as we live all around the country and have a couple of good friends made since moving to where we live now. I also have some good friends from a sporting activity I participate in. I do think it depends on the area you live in. If transient, you will get far more ‘new’friendships. I have been in areas where no one ever moves away and they have all known each other for 40+ years which I find weird! (Not the friendships, the never leaving the area bit)

Yabu, I've really struggled making friends, and I've not seen one person I know since the day I left school.

2 years ago, I joined my local Search & Rescue team as a volunteer Search Tech. Due to the nature of the work that they get involved in, mental health issues are one of the main priorities, and there is a massive understanding. I've never met such an inclusive bunch of people, who would do anything for anyone, and that made making new friends as an adult really easy.

I've found that groups of active friends shift, but I tend to get along with the sort of people who just pick up where we left.
I've found some people who I've got close to as an adult. It depends more on finding compatible personalities.

I remember at about 20 being invited out for a meal for one of their birthdays and then being told the day before the meal that I no longer had to come as someone else was looking to come

That's really nasty. it may not feel like it, but you're well off out of it.

Not at all. There are plenty of friends to be made in other areas of life past school. How terrible to limit friendship to he first 18 years of one’s life.

No one I know has groups of friends going back to their school days
I’m in my 50s
I have friends from past jobs, places I’ve lived when younger, mums at school gates, voluntary work I’ve done, adult college courses, my current job - not just colleagues but people I’ve met because of it at conferences or meetings
The one I find weird is people who make friends on holiday - I go on holiday to relax either on my own or with my nearest and dearest - I actively avoid contact with others and can’t imagine making new friends in such a short space of time

O think it depends where you live and what your education was. Most people I know are closest to university friends but for many of them that means seeing them for big events and maybe holidays as they’re scattered now.

I don’t have any close friends from school now, we went to different unis and different cities after graduation and are now Christmas card / Facebook friends.

I have uni friends (a few close, more further away) and I have friends from my early 20s / first job time (none geographically close now as I moved).

Friends I mostly see are ex work colleagues and a few from baby groups (ds now 5). These are not bffs / bridesmaid level friends but they are good friends.

Yes and no, I think it depends on your taste in friends.

I had a group of friends from primary and then early secondary school, we were friends for 13 years before they cut me out.
They all turned out to be the most hideous people I've ever met, I think my priorities were different then, I was a people pleaser.

Over the years I've managed to whittle my close friends down to 2-3 people who live in different places, and whilst we don't talk all the time as we all have other priorities, we still make the time for one another and when we are together things are like no time has passed.

I think I used to have horrible taste in friends, I gave too much love and time to people who couldn't be arsed reciprocating, and I made myself dispensable.
Now I know to only be there for those who are for me, as life it too short.

I'm in a similar position to many including @MrStarkIDontFeelSoGood - single, never been married (or asked!), no children, no other half for well over 10 years. In addition, I had a major op (brain) that has left me fatigued, potentially with epilepsy and so haven't been able to drive for 16 months (and counting!). Like many, bad experiences at school has affected my ability to make friends and I'm not in contact with any from uni days.

"Old" friends don't live close (there are 2 who live mainland UK but I don't) Hobbies are currently virtually nonexistent. I see but without driving, I can't get there and I'm so fatigued I don't have the energy. This will improve but slowly over time. Work is intense and I haven't broken through into the friendship groups. One thing I am going to do is join the WI. I know, like sewing, that many will be 20+ years older but that doesn't bother me. And one of them might have a single son!

Saying that, since my op, I'm alive, can function pretty well, am independent (apart from needing lifts everywhere!) and am starting a new job soon. Cats keep me company, I can chat with one neighbour (definitely not the other one!) and I've learnt on the whole to be accepting of this.

It's still lonely though.

I moved area and school at 7 and joined a new school late in the school year and failed to make friends (crap teacher didn't help, no buddy or anything, plonked in the spare seat and left to get on with it, and no help with the near immediate bullying ). I had 3 months with no friends at all before I began to make them the following school year.

My friendship groups through school tended to shift every few years. They were small clusters, not the big trendy groups, but I always kept my independence. If I wanted to do chior/ drama etc, I'd head off on my own to do it, I didn't need the support group to do it, but it could be quite isolated there because everyone else would turn up in their own gaggles and I'd often be the odd one out.

I stayed in touch with sixth form friends through my 20s, but distance and a family has reduced that to FB friends through our 30s.

My two cores of "soul friends" through uni and adulthood are both through activities which allow us to bond over time away.

I've never had a colleague as a genuine friendship that has a life beyond the workplace. My last workplace was friendly and got on well within work, but others, I seem to have just existed there and no connections have formed beyond getting the job done which can be draining.

I'm not sure that I would want a very tight knit core to do everything with, I'd find it claustrophobic. I need people to talk to, and share experiences with, but I'm content with my own company too. I don't know whether that isolates me from other people as they don't know what to do about it. With the school mums, I missed out on bonding at nursery. I get on with them 1:1, but can't seem to enter the group dynamic.

I had an unconventional family background, and have spent most of my life not being "local". Despite being sociable, I don't fit social slots easily.

It’s tough yes but try being single, childless, older and an introvert in a senior position at work. It’s almost impossibke to make new friends as peopke ate generally suspicious of you due to your lifestyle in my experience. If you join a club you can attract predatory men if youre not careful and you have little in common with married women with children and cant make friends at work because people report to you. I dont know what the answer is. People say volunteer and join groups but the mother/wife clique still exists.

I made some of my closest friends when I moved to a new country after uni. We all had different school/uni friends, though not in the same city. I think it is probably harder if you are not in a city as there are lots of people who have lived in the same place all their life and don’t need new friends.

I certainly dont have groups of friends from childhood

I do think that its hard to make friends out of work or children situations

So loads of my current friends are friends because our children are the same ages

I think friendship groups are overrated, especially from school days. People change so much as they grow up and the lucky ones get out and see the world. I often think that people that have these friendship groups from school must be very insular, wary of new comers -etc.

Also there is most always a group dynamic - the queen bee, 2 facedness, etc I am too much of an individual to get involved in that crap.

I moved around a lot as a child, whilst this did prove very difficult in terms of making friends, it also gives you that confidence to walk into any new situation on your own without having to rely on anyone.

The whole thing of having 'that' group of friends, is just another pressure on us to have that perfect life - and involves a lot of time, energy and quite often a bit of heartache as well.

I do agree though that having a few close friends, whether they are individuals or in a group is what everybody desires and sometimes you can feel very lonely without this.

I thought at the ripe old age of 45 that I had made a group of friends with the mums from school- but turns out I have been ostracised- massive party, pictures all over Facebook, everyone invited apart from me and DH.

So it's just back to me relying on me, my DH and kids.

I agree.

I have one good friend from childhood but we lead very separate lives and don’t see each other all that much. I have one friend left from uni that I keep regular contact with, all the other uni friends moved far and wide and drifted apart.

They are my only friends really. I don’t see any colleagues outside of work but do chat nicely in work. I don’t have hobbies and never have. I also don’t get overly involved with other mums, it’s not my thing to stand around discussing reality TV and the kids nits and sickness bugs .

I completely empathise.

I always wish I had a group of core friends from home- for example, when I go home, there's nobody really for me to contact and meet up with. No core girly group.

I have been lucky enough to pick up a few very good friends over the years as well as lots of casual friends, but the very good friends are now quite geographically separate. Also - I have felt this my whole adult life - that being a member of lots of different groups means that when you're not around, or in contact, each friend in that group won't think of you (assuming - if it crossed their mind - that you weeee with others). So you basically slip through the net

I have lots of new mummy friends from nct but I'm very keen that they see they're not my main source of social contact. Because I'm not theirs!

Oh it's difficult, hitting the right spot between being friendly and available, and being too friendly and potentially desperate. I fear I go too far the other way and leave bang groups early rather than natter, because I don't want to seem desperate.

I despair at myself sometimes. I'm 33, not 13. Sometimes I wonder if I'll be like this until the day I die

Ps- I do feel that some women make things a little harder than they should be. For example, there's a mum in a class I was talking to last week (it's part of the class- chat to someone next to you) but I could see the whole time how keen she was to get over to her two nct friends who were sitting across the room from us. Sigh

Pps if you met me IRL I promise you'd think I was normal, despite my mental anxious state!

I'm like this too. Don't have any school friends left, everyone else has their own groups etc recently resorted to joining Bumble BFF in an attempt to make some friends...

Me too.

Moved lots and lots with exh job(forces).

People I know are 100s miles away. I have work colleagues but that's pretty much it

All of my closest friends I've made as an adult, some late teens early twenties but some since. I still have contact with school friends but we went in different directions. Few of them went to uni, most had kids early (not super young just early to mid twenties when I'd just graduated, was traveling and establishing my career). We get along but don't have much in common these days. I've made great friends through work, partners of other friends, or DH's friends' partners. Through a hobby and one of my best friends because we got talking in a bar one night! These are people in friends with because we have things in common, tastes, beliefs, life choices, values. Not because we all happened to have parents who lived in roughly the same geographic area when we were children.

I wonder if this depends on where you were brought up? I was brought up in London. My friends parents were from all over the place and moved around a lot. I dont know anyone I went to school with. I got in touch with some friends I knew when I was in primary school on facebook. They live in France. I have no idea where my friends are from my secondary school. Some of us went to Uni outside London and just disappeared from each others lives. I think maybe London is so big that coming back to London doesn't necessarily mean meeting up with your school friends. I moved from South to North London in my early 20's and it was as if id moved to another planet! My only friends are friends Ive made as an adult. I do agree that its hard to have that very close friendship you make in childhood. I dont mind it though. Im quite private and am not really one for heart to hearts with girlfriends.

I was a forces child and between 9-11 went to 5 different schools. Consequently, i have no friends now from primary school.

I have one friend from secondary we whatsapp once a month or so with dc pics and jokes etc. Two other secondary school friends we are on FB and chat there, but haven't met since 1991.

I had two close friends from university, sadly one died 5 years ago very suddenly. One i haven't seen since her wedding in 2005, one i see every year or so (i'm in Barcelona, she's in Luton!).

I made a good friend 15 years ago here who then moved nack to London, so we see less of her but still very close.

My best friend here just emigrated to South America so i'm a bit beside myself. I have 4 good solid reliable honest friends but we don't socialise as a group, honestly i don't know if they'd particularly get on if i organised a dinner!

Well, 2005 i was in a 'big group of females' type friendship group but backed off when i saw one getting spiteful about another... I just took a step back and realised i didn't particularly look forward to meeting up with the majority of them, so that was that.

I tend to have good friends but on a 1-2-1 basis.

Oh, and i made an excellent friend with an amazing American woman who i met on my local bus (she'd been here 2 weeks). She also became good friends with my now-South-America-living friend and we'd all meet up to sew, talk bollocks, compare countries then she returned to USA (husband's job) and i'm devastated. She is devastated, she has no good friends there.

It is weird being me: 15 addresses aged 1-18. 3 countries since age 23. People in Barcelona come and go very quickly, high turnover of friends/aquaintances/colleagues.

But there is always someone to meet for a coffee.

"She said making new friends was hard and reckoned that people have already made their friends and just don't want/need any more."

Well, yes, this is why you have to find other people in the same boat, people who are also new to the area or who've come back after a period away. There's more of this kind of movement in big towns and cities than in small towns and villages I think. In theory, it should be easier to make friends in an urban area though maybe easier to keep them in a rural one.

I had a couple of good friends in primary school who went to the local comp. I would have loved to have gone there but my dm was having none of it and put me into a private school where all the class apart from 2 other girls who had been best friends in another primary school had been there since nursery.

Didn't fit in. Hated every minute of it. Begged to leave on day 1.
Eventually left after failing virtually every O.level.

So no I haven't got any friends from school.

Then moved around the country because of work.
Never really got the long lasting friendship stuff.

I have never struggled with friendship on a day to day basis but if I had to pack up and leave the country tomorrow I don't think many would miss me.

I always laugh on wanted down under at the friends and family members putting in their 2 pennies worth.
I don't think I could find anyone to fill that slot.