To think that if you don't have a solid group of friends you've known since childhood then friendships are hard in adulthood?

[FeeseAndChickle]

Everyone I know seems to have a solid group of girlfriends that they've known since childhood or secondary school days. They all prioritise this group of friends over other friendships and any other friendships are therefore an afterthought and come second place.

We moved areas when I was 12 and I lost touch with childhood friends. We didn't move to the friendliest area and I struggled to make friends at secondary school. I did make one friend in the end but she was, looking back, a frenemy.

I do have friends now but I know them all separately and as I mentioned they all prioritise their main group of friends over their friendship with me. I also feel that those who have that good base group of friends have others that are desperate to be friends with them too, whilst if you are like me then no one particularly is bothered about being 'in' with you.

I do have friends for whom this is the case but don't think it's always true. My closest friends I met at uni and work and some of them don't have these school cliques. I'm also fairly close to some mum friends I met locally.

I do sometimes feel I'm missing that "core" group though, I don't go on girly holidays or have friends who text / call me regularly or anything like that, so get what you're missing.

MrStark starting somewhere new must be very daunting

As a single mum too I think you are very brave. We are sometimes viewed as the untouchables

I have loads of friends from various points in my life, but we don’t tend to socialise much as large groups unless it’s a wedding/big birthday etc as we all live all over the place. Pretty much all my uni friends (including myself and now DH) moved to London straight after uni, and stayed in London for between 5-10 years, and those were the ‘golden years’ of friendship and social life for me really-we lived in a flatshare with our best mates and were the party hub for about 5 years and it was great. I look back and it was like living in an episode of friends!

We then moved out to the sticks and that was a real shock, and we’ve never recreated that massive group feeling. DH works in London and has funny hours and a crappy commute, I have friends through my hobby and relatively local job, but we don’t do much couple socialising or en made socialising. HOWEVER, now I’m at the point of my life that I am (late thirties) I’m actually ok with that. We’re usually seeing someone socially doing something every weekend or so, whether it’s a concert one of us is playing in, a kids birthday party or meeting up for Softplay/coffee etc. So I do agree, most people seem to have a core group of mates that they socialise with a lot, and I’ve been here 10 years now and I don’t have a ‘squad’ of local friends, but actually I don’t mind all that much
However my local friends would never cancel on me for their old mates, and I never feel second rate to them, so that’s probably why I don’t mind as much.

Not true in my case. I’m not in touch with anyone from primary school, only loosely in contact with my secondary school friends (meet up literally once every couple of years), and I don’t see my uni friends much either as we are geographically dispersed.

These days my closest friends are local mums, ex-colleagues from my old job (not current colleagues - I like my new job but my colleagues haven’t become friends) and DH’s friends. These are all good friends now - I’ve been on girls’ weekends away with them, to their birthday parties etc.

@butterflykissess - {{{hugs}}}

I made friends through art class, knitting group, choir - I hope you can find the thing that he,ps you find your people.

I do think it is harder, if you were bullied - I know that I doubt my friendships - why would anyone really want to be my friend, is the question that is always at the back of my mind - actually, not the back, even - more towards the front, nagging me too often. Being bullied has made me very anxious and insecure.

It’s an interesting one.

Some of my school friends are close-ish but I feel we have drifted and we have less in common.

I have made some lovely friends since school - the odd one from uni I am still in touch with and from work.

I have met some lovely mums through the kids.

It takes effort though. Join PTAs or volunteer or find a hobby and you will be fine.

I got divorced at 30 and moved to a new place where I didn't know anyone. At first it was hard and very lonely but eventually I started to make new friends.....the key was to take people at face value and believe they mean it when they suggest you should meet up with them.

I had to be brave but it was worth it. I have the most fantastic group of friends....much stronger friendships than those I've had before .

@imaginationOrLogic

Thanks! I'm not a mum though in fact I'm the only single child free woman in my friend group which is its own quiet sort of isolation.

I joined mumsnet even though I'm not a Mum because I became fascinated by it and ended up wanting to comment on things and then found that though I am not a mum I was chatting with women (and sometimes men) my own age -about subjects that interest me. I try not to comment on stuff I have no experience of but will comment if just in general being a person with life experience applies

Yea I can relate! Moved around a bit over the years and everywhere I end up there seems to be a circle of established friends that I don’t fit into. Adulting sucks

MrStark - join clubs and societies. If you're single, look out for clubs that have a lot of single people who are also looking to make friends and have the time to spend with them.

Yes, everything seems to be in the city though and I have found local things tend to appeal largely to the older generation. I moved to a small town and I don't think I'll stay. I don't think I've found my "place" yet

I lost touch with all my school friends and only ever see them on Facebook. One hurtful thing was my 3 closest school friends all stayed in touch with each other and are still best friends; being each other’s bridesmaid etc. Meanwhile I invited them to my wedding and only one came. I remember at about 20 being invited out for a meal for one of their birthdays and then being told the day before the meal that I no longer had to come as someone else was looking to come.

As an adult, I do have lots of friends that I have made in various ways. But I don’t have a «core» group of friend a

I think it’s harder but not impossible but you have to go out and make the effort.

I have never really had a close friendship group. Joined a running club last year and now have probably the best friendship group I have had

I'm the same. I recently made one proper new friend. First in over 10 years! It's really given me a boost and I want more

If anyone on this thread is around Leeds way pm me

I changed schools a few times so I don’t have a set group of friends. However I’m also not really a people person as such so it hasn’t bothered me really I like a night watching tv over having to have group what’s apps arranging lunches/drinks etc. I will agree it looks harder as an adult to form that type of group though watching some of the school mums try and do anything to get in a group.

We moved areas when I was 12 and I lost touch with childhood friends. We didn't move to the friendliest area and I struggled to make friends at secondary

I could have written this OP. My parents relocated when I was 13. It’s a crushingly bad age to try and make new friends..I’ve struggled ever since to be honest, but have moved around a lot. Don’t give up hope though. I now have a couple of good friends made in adulthood. They are proper friends. They are both newcomers to the town we live in too. It’s much easier to make friends with newcomers I find as lots of the local women clearly have a big circle of old friends from childhood right on their doorstep and simply don’t ‘need’ any more. Good luck. Get out and talk to the people you meet and like and it will happen.

agreed. I'm shit at making friends anyway but the fact that i didn't keep up with my secondary school and college friends doesn't help.

Mrstark well if you are in the gloucestershire area i have quite a few single friends without children so you'd be at very welcome to join our get togethers!

Sadly not, but thank you x

I moved countries at 16 and although I had lots of school friends for the 2 years I was doing A levels here, I'm only still in contact with 1 of them now (25+ years later). I find it much harder to make friends these days. I have a hobby that means I attend events a few times a year and see people but since the friends I've made through these events live all around the country, that's the only time we really see eachother. Chatting online just isn't the same. I don't actually have any "irl" friends that I see socially at all on a regular basis, which is pretty pathetic I know.

OP I get what you mean too. I didn’t have any friends at secondary school really. I had a group at uni but then everyone dispersed back to hometowns or elsewhere after graduating.

I’m late 30s now and have a few close friends. But I am always aware that they all seem to have their ‘group’ of close school or home mates. Like I’d never be asked to be bridesmaid for any of my friends or to go on holiday with them. I kind of don’t mind as I like seeing people 1-1 anyway, rather than group situations, but I do occasionally feel a bit left out!

I disagree. I have only one friend from school days. I have a few from my old work. But Vast majority of my friends are from when I had my babies and a few from school gates.

I saw this article the other day and it really makes sense

My groups of friends come from specific times in my life when I've spend regular time with same people - school/,uni/primary school gate
Others did it with mum and baby groups but I missed that period due to too much work
Is there a regular hobby you can take up so you can regularly spend time with the same people ? Team sport ? Charity ?
tonic.vice.com/en_us/article/mbx9qb/how-long-does-it-take-to-become-friends

I was bullied at school so have no friends from those days. And don't really have proper friends at all, except for DH. No-one to meet for lunch or to have a girls night out with and I can't see that changing - school mums aren't an option as I only drop off and pick up DS once a week and my interests and hobbies are mainly home based and I don't have many opportunities to do anything out of the house.

I haven't kept in touch with a 'group' as such, only individuals. I find I usually pick up a friend or two at each stage of my life who I keep in contact with, it's not been hard. That said, I sometimes see on Facebook some groups of school friends who have stayed close and it looks quite nice but I guess that ship has sailed :)