He wants me to leave DS belongings

[BabyPufflingMumma]

Things between me and DP have broken down, we are discussing separating and DS is 5 months old. I'm devastated but it's obvious DP doesn't want to make it work. He is saying that when I leave (I have to move as his name on the mortgage) I have to leave behind all of the toys etc that he and his family have paid for for DS, and that he will buy my half of the cot etc and that I will have to buy new. He says 'this is just how it's done and the most amicable way and is what solicitors would say is how it's done'
AIBU to think that when DS and I leave DS should have all the rockers, bouncers and furniture he needs with me? I said it's depriving DS of lots of his things that I cannot afford to buy again! Advice please! 😢

Most amicable way? Is that a threat ? Leave it or I'll make life hard?

They go where the child goes.

Nah he’s chatting out of his rear end. They’re your DS’ possessions, not his. He probably can’t prove he solely bought them all anyway and honestly, a judge would laugh him out of court. Fighting over a baby’s cot and toys? Come off it. He needs to get a grip.

I spoke to the CAB about legal issues connected to my abusive exP. They were very helpful, got the most knowledgeable person to call me back and spoke for free for over half an hour. Linked me to services that helped me, I recommend you call them asap.

www.womensaid.org.uk

Women's aid also have solicitors that can advise you.

What an animal.

Leave, take everything that belongs to your son, live with family temporarily and definitely find out if you have any rights to the home given you've contributed.
Although melonscoffer was a bit harsh, she is right, don't take what he says as gospel, don't believe a word he says, do your own research. Good luck

Wow. The advice is to move out and take everything?

" I have to leave behind all of the toys etc that he and his family have paid for for DS"

Well, it would surely be theft otherwise?

CAB or WA would be a good starting point.
Be ready to say how much you have contributed to the house, and what proportion of the cost of the mortgage that is. Have you got evidence of payment, eg a bank standing order?

You could end up spending a lot on solicitors for not that much gain.

You will need to sort out maintenance, too,

Good luck OP, you are doing tne right thing getting away from him.

Hopefully Melonscoffer will never find herself in a situation where she is ground down so much by a bully that she doubts herself and is taken in by words spoken with utter confidence.

And no, it's not theft, fawkesAgain2. She will be taking the baby's belongings and equipment that the baby will need. Not the fridge.

A few people have mentioned woman's aid, will their advice be legally bound if I was to say that they advised me?
Please, please @BabyPufflingMumma do not engage with this abusive man on the topic of the cot or the baby's toys and little things. Do not quote anyone, do not engage in arguments, or discussions on who is right here, or who has the law on their side. You do. Your H is trying to confuse you and intimidate you.

Women's Aid do not give legal opinions. They are there to offer support, advice on practical matters, and shelter if needed. They will be a fantastic resource for you as you take steps to leave your abuser. Please call 0808 2000 247. If you get a machine, leave a message telling when you are available for a call back. They may be able to refer you to a solicitor familiar with the dynamics of domestic abuse who will assure you that of course you can take the baby's belongings, and go to bat for you on finalising the divorce, getting back your share of house payments, child support, etc.

Quietly arrange your new home and then dismantle the cot, pack the baby's belongings, and leave. If possible, have a male relative or actually anyone reliable there with you for support and help with a screwdriver when moving day comes. You need to line this up as a matter of urgency. Try not to do moving day all on your own. Do you have any colleagues who might be able to help? Friends? Family? They will need to be able to play your cards close to their chests.

For now, concentrate on getting documents together - baby's health records, birth cert, your own documentation, any photos you want to copy, financial documents relating to the mortgage, your bank accounts, your contribution to the household, as well as any info on pensions your H may be contributing to.

You can also pack out of season clothing and footwear of yours and if there is a friend or relative willing to help, have them take these and store them for you.

Make sure you log off MN when you are finished with a session.

It wouldn't be theft, fawkes, because the items in question were gifts to OP's child. You don't retain ownership in a present just because you give it to a child rather than an adult.

Please post in the legal topic. You will get a steer from a family solicitor who posts on there, v probably

@Bibesia

And the OP doesn't get ownership because she takes them when the child's parent is at work. Does that make sense?

What would your opinion and advice be if he left the house with the child and took everything while the OP was out? I assume that you'd be telling the OP to get legal advice because he had the child and the possessions and that isn't ok.

He isn’t objecting to her taking the child though.
You wouldn’t expect her to leave without her own personal property. For a baby that property/essentials includes all the equipment/toys/clothes/furniture for everyday life. The man is a cruel manipulator and hoping she won’t take legal advice. She should get a first legal consultion free and take the advice given.

You are not married. I would do d a place to go with your child. Ensure you go to CMS /CSS to claim child support money from your ex. I don't think you can claim any money that you have paid into the house. Take the child's toys, possessions. CAB have info on their website

Hi OP, please stop listening to advice on here re your legal rights. I’m a solicitor (not family law) and you MUST get legal advice from someone suitably qualified. If you can afford a solicitor, great, if not use any one of the numerous numbers/contact details that you’ve been given on this thread. If you don’t you’re taking possible money away from your child. Everyone on here is very well-meaning but given the varieties of opinions on what you are and aren’t entitled to, some of them have to be wrong (I don’t have a clue BTW, so I’m not offering an opinion). Get proper advice.

Oh and fawkes if you’re going to be an MRA, do try to make it a little less obvious on these threads; you just make yourself look like a twunt otherwise.

As the very first poster said, surely these are your child's possessions and need to be where he is? He's talking absolute crap. Don't be bullied by him.

You don't own a gift once it is given. It is the recipient's property. A lot of people seem to have trouble gettin this concept i a lot of circumstances and it is often used as emotional blackmail like in this case.

mathananxiety
Without telling details, my first marriage was to a monster who has phsycopathic personality disorder. Diagnosed in custody.
He served a long prison sentence for what he did to me.
I had two young babies to protect.

Were you less than 'grown up' at the time that you had those babies?

It's an offensive phrase. When you are beaten down by emotional and psychological abuse to the point where you think your abuser might have a point when he says he will buy out your share of a baby's cot, your problem is not that you are immature. The problem is that you are living under the thumb of an abuser.

It's easier to spot abuse when it is physical, but emotional and psychological abuse are insidious and they have incredibly deep effects, and one of them is that you doubt yourself even down to the smallest details that you would never have questioned before you found yourself orbiting the abuser.

Most emotional abusers will never serve a sentence, sadly. They should, because they destroy people from the inside out.

@mathanxiety thank you for your support

And the OP doesn't get ownership because she takes them when the child's parent is at work. Does that make sense?

No it doesn't make sense.
The OP doesn't 'get ownership' of these items. They are the baby's and will remain the baby's. She brings them with her as she is forced to leave with the baby and the baby needs them. She brings the baby with her as he is ebf and takes care of him full time, with the baby's father playing little or no part in that for reasons of his own.

The timing of her departure with the baby and the baby's necessary equipment makes no difference to any legal circumstances surrounding ownership of the equipment and necessity of taking it with her. It will be necessary for her to leave while he is away because leaving an abuser is always a dangerous time for the victim. For that reason it will also be necessary for her to have the help and support of another adult when she leaves.

What would your opinion and advice be if he left the house with the child and took everything while the OP was out? I assume that you'd be telling the OP to get legal advice because he had the child and the possessions and that isn't ok.

In the case of taking everything (I assume you mean furniture, all the OP's clothing, white goods, etc) it would be theft, and if the baby was taken while ebf and in a situation of domestic conflict, without giving any notice or any notification of where he was taking the baby to, then the police should be involved in order to make sure the baby's welfare was not being compromised.

I assume from your aggressive and misleading posts here that you are a member of some Menz Rights organisation, fawkes.

A woman or a man who is being abused by her or his partner and who fears for their safety may leave their abode and find another, and bring babies or children with them, and their clothing and equipment too, if they are able. I don't know what problem you could possibly have with the premise that a responsible parent, fearing for their safety and that of a baby or child/ren can't leave together and take clothing and equipment with them.

mathananxiety
I know.
I've lived it.
There no need to question me.

I have lived it too, and I take exception to the idea that being a victim of an abuser and worrying that threats the abuser makes may have substance means you are less than 'grown up'.

I don't think any of your posts reflect any experience or understanding of emotional or psychological abuse. If you did, I think you would understand why the OP feels she has to be the one to leave, and why she worries about things her H says to her - no doubt with an air of absolute certainty - about the baby's equipment or other matters. I suspect he may yet try the threat that goes, 'I'll take you to court for full custody and no judge will be bothered by that breastfeeding crap'. Threats are made in order to intimidate the victim, to make her feel she has no choice but to stay where she is and be pummeled (whether with fists or words) for the foreseeable, and to make her feel that the abuser and the court system are united against the victim.

My exH was a lawyer who threatened all sorts wrt the children/custody. While we still had a preliminary visitation agreement in place he threatened me with the police and a motion of contempt when I stuck to the interpretation of the visitation agreement that we had signed off on only three weeks previously. This threat took place around 7 pm one Friday evening a week before Christmas. My lawyer was not available of course.

After we divorced he hauled me back into court with three motions for contempt of court over seven years. Not until I finally managed to get a guardian ad litem appointed for the children after a DV incident while he had them at his home did the judge finally dismiss exH's motions, and also a petition for a protection order that he had filed against me. The judge apologised that his take on all three motions and on what was really going on with exH had been completely wrong. Abusers can be incredibly manipulative and can put on Oscar-worthy performances.

The OP is doing her utmost to protect her baby by leaving.

Some solicitors offer a Free Initial Assessment.

Might be some ideas here www.citizensadvice.org.uk/law-and-courts/legal-system/finding-free-or-affordable-legal-help/

I am sorry for all you are going through OP. And for all you have been through @mathanxiety