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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you want to know?

105 replies

WiltedDaisy · 04/06/2018 22:45

Name changed for this. I have just discovered a friend has been seeing several women behind his wife's back since they got together. They've been together about 5 years I think maybe 4 and are about to start IVF, which we know because he moans about it.

He has moaned when drunk before about the lack of sex even though she wanted a baby and how he wished he could get away with an affair as he knows he married the totally wrong & 'f*cking dull' as he calls her Confused, woman.

It's such a cliche though too with his job (and they're all supposedly at it), but I thought he was nicer deep down Sad

For background, I'm not at all close to her. I barely know her really. She's not even on my FB friends list.

Would you want to know?

OP posts:
Original poster
WiltedDaisy · 04/06/2018 22:46

I forgot to say ny partner thinks IABU for wanting to tell her or thinking she should know

Aibu?

OP posts:
VanellopeVonSchweetz99 · 04/06/2018 22:46

No.

SomeKnobend · 04/06/2018 22:48

Of course! And asap as well. Ivf is a massive decision, and should be an informed decision! She needs to know.

Seabreeze18 · 04/06/2018 22:48

I would want to know before bringing a baby into the situation. Many on here would say mind your own business though.
What a horrible man! Poor woman. She is better off without him!

Janus · 04/06/2018 22:49

I’d want to know, so I could get out before the trauma of ivf, possibly having a child and then finding out I was with a bastard. If I were you I’d rather not know any of this though.

Redrunbluerun · 04/06/2018 22:49

I’d want to know. I’d feel like a mug if other people knew and didn’t tell me.

Hisnamesblaine · 04/06/2018 22:49

Send her a anonymous note?

highinthesky · 04/06/2018 22:50

Your "friend" is a dick. IVF is going to be a waste of money and his wife deserves better. Whether you need to be the messenger is debatable.

Let your friend know of your disapproval and then distance yourself from this situation.

HollowTalk · 04/06/2018 22:51

If someone had hard facts, I would want to know, definitely. To get pregnant with someone who's cheating is really awful - to have IVF would be even worse. I wouldn't tell her anonymously, though.

mimibunz · 04/06/2018 22:52

Don’t let her go through ivf with that dick of a partner.

greendale17 · 04/06/2018 22:52

Yes I would want to know

I’d want to know, so I could get out before the trauma of ivf, possibly having a child and then finding out I was with a bastard.

^This

Fruitcorner123 · 04/06/2018 22:52

yes please tell her before there is a baby...and dump this horrible friend

Original poster
WiltedDaisy · 04/06/2018 22:52

It's their wedding anniversary this week so that would be a really awful time for me to send a note wouldn't it? Sad just putting salt in a wound.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 04/06/2018 22:55

I think what I'd do is buy a cheap PAYG phone, send her a note and give her the number of the PAYG phone. I'd probably keep who I was out of it, but simply say I was the wife/girlfriend of one of her husband's friends and if she wanted to talk, she could phone at certain times of the day (when I knew my own husband wasn't around.)

Mxyzptlk · 04/06/2018 23:04

I think that's a good idea from HollowTalk. That gives her a chance to ask how you know, if you're sure etc, without your name getting involved.

There's never going to be a good time to tell her, Daisy. I would definitely want to know, tho, if it was me.

SomeKnobend · 04/06/2018 23:12

There's no good time, just get on with it. It needs doing.

4teensandababy · 04/06/2018 23:12

Ive just been in pretty much the exact same situation. Two colleagues at work have been having an affair. One of them is engaged, and his partner has just given birth, and the girl involved has a husband and daughter with special needs.
They were both taking the piss massively and everyone knew apart from their respective partners.
I did exactly as HollowTalk suggested.

Chapman31 · 04/06/2018 23:14

Personally I would want to know. But I had this situation with a friend and we (another friend who knew the knobhead partner had cheated) didn’t say anything as we knew how important the IVF was to her and that realistically she might not get the chance to have it for a while, possibly ever, if she and her partner separated. The chance to have a baby was the most important thing in the world to her and if we’d ruined that for her she would have never forgiven us.
But in that situation we knew our friends desperation to have a baby, age and health factors that would affect it and we made our decision on that. Your friends situation might be different.

fwiw our friend now has her baby and her husband is a much better husband and a fantastic dad, however if I heard that he’d cheated now I’d tell her!

MumofBoysx2 · 04/06/2018 23:16

Tell her!

Original poster
WiltedDaisy · 04/06/2018 23:17

Should I set up a fake FB and message her?

I know he recently was accused by a coworkers ex partner, which maybe was actually the truth now we know about the rest.

What if she thinks I'm him? Confused I guess at least she'll know.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 04/06/2018 23:19

It really depends. If this was my one shot at having a baby, maybe I would not want to know.

I don't think it is your place to tell her.

Original poster
WiltedDaisy · 04/06/2018 23:19

@chapman31 she's mid 30's, fertility issues apparently. This is why I'm torn really Sad as this will affect her more than him.

He's late 30's so still young enough to bugger off and meet someone else.

OP posts:
Original poster
WiltedDaisy · 04/06/2018 23:21

Also the kicker is apparently one of the women he really wanted to be with but she married someone else so he "settled for boring". His exact words. Envy

OP posts:
Original poster
WiltedDaisy · 04/06/2018 23:22

Not envy.

OP posts:
Timeissliplingaway · 04/06/2018 23:23

Tell her asap!