Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you want to know?

105 replies

WiltedDaisy · 04/06/2018 22:45

Name changed for this. I have just discovered a friend has been seeing several women behind his wife's back since they got together. They've been together about 5 years I think maybe 4 and are about to start IVF, which we know because he moans about it.

He has moaned when drunk before about the lack of sex even though she wanted a baby and how he wished he could get away with an affair as he knows he married the totally wrong & 'f*cking dull' as he calls her Confused, woman.

It's such a cliche though too with his job (and they're all supposedly at it), but I thought he was nicer deep down Sad

For background, I'm not at all close to her. I barely know her really. She's not even on my FB friends list.

Would you want to know?

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 04/06/2018 23:24

@WiltedDaisy has it occurred to you she may already know?

If she is mid thirties and having IVF with her partner I would think very carefully about throwing a hand grenade into that.

In those circumstances I would not want to know (and I had fertility treatment in my thirties).

GlitteryFluff · 04/06/2018 23:25

I'd want to know.
Do you have proof so she believes you?
Fake profiles/anonymous notes aren't always believed (luckily in my case as dh got sent one that wasn't true and he didn't believe it, thank god!) so I wouldn't do it anonymously if you can find the strength/bravery.

And I think I'd be a bit Hmmthat my dh thinks keeping it secret is best.

Italiangreyhound · 04/06/2018 23:25

A friend of mine's husband settled for her because she was wife material. They are still together decades later, two grown up kids and seem happy. I am not sure we can always judge what makes others happy.

Bookemdannoplease · 04/06/2018 23:27

As long as she believes you and doesn't think it's someone trying to cayse trouble or the actual OW? What if she already knows but is desperate for a child like in the case that the other pp mentioned? Sorry not much help I know. If it was a friend then would prob be easier as u would know more about her take on it. Unless u know via yr friend (male being a cheating git I mean)

Oldbutstillgotit · 04/06/2018 23:27

I used to have a friend who insisted that she would want to know if her DH cheated, in fact we made a pact to tell each other if we had suspicions. I discovered her H was cheating, confronted him but nothing changed so told friend. She dumped me and stayed with her H.

Faroutbrussel · 04/06/2018 23:34

On the fertility issues - there are always donors especially if there is a need for ivf anyway. Personally I would prefer to go it alone using a donor than have a baby with a man who has so little respect for me and then have to maintain contact with until DC is grown up.

Chapman31 · 04/06/2018 23:35

It’s a horrible situation and had they not been going through IVF I’d have probably said something.

If you say something and they split up she might not only lose her husband (not necessarily a bad thing) but her chance to have an obviously much longed for and wanted baby.

Do you know any of her good friends or sister/close relative that you could talk to about it and see what they think would be best?

If you do tell her don’t do it from a fake Facebook profile or random phone as that’s fairly tacky and she might not even believe it as it’s anonymous.

ObiJuanKenobi · 04/06/2018 23:37

I'd really want to know

Original poster
WiltedDaisy · 04/06/2018 23:38

@glitteryfluff we're poly so that's not an issue for us, although not publicly out to most friends. He wants to keep quiet so it's not us getting the blame more than anything. It's how we found out Confused turned out he'd been seeing one of our other poly friends.

OP posts:
Carouselfish · 04/06/2018 23:38

I don't think you should OP. He could just be 'showing off' in front of mates and be different with her. (awful and childish but he wouldn't be the first to do that). I think her age factors in, I also don't think she should be told horrible things he's been saying. If he really thinks that little of her, she'll know that anyway.

Italiangreyhound · 04/06/2018 23:43

@Oldbutstillgotit "I discovered her H was cheating, confronted him but nothing changed so told friend. She dumped me and stayed with her H."

I'm sorry that happened to you but in a way it is very predicable. She has a lot invested in her husband. Perhaps a lot less invested in you as a friend.

Not everyone thinks an affair is the end of the world. I admit this man is a slime ball but I think @WiltedDaisy you are making a big decision on her behalf if you tell her. I hope you get it right. You are not a special friend to her so I would be very careful about thinking you know best.

Italiangreyhound · 04/06/2018 23:48

@WiltedDaisy "we're poly". Does this mean Polyamourous?

So does that mean you and your dh are in a multiple person relationship and now have this bit of info on this man and are contemplating telling his wife midway through ivf, but your own dh who is poly is keeping that secret?

I would not be so worried about her relationship, I'd leave her to it.

I hope you do the right thing and leave her be.

Crocodilesoup · 04/06/2018 23:48

I agree. I've had a friend saying "wouldnt it be great to sleep with someone else!" Doesn't mean she was actually intending an affair, it was just a moan. Sometimes people get caught up in the moment. Unless you have an affair to tell the wife about I don't think it's appropriate.

Crocodilesoup · 04/06/2018 23:50

Sorry he has actually been saying these women, but he said he wished he could get away with an affair?

ObiJuanKenobi · 04/06/2018 23:52

Well now it just feels a tad hypercritical on your part.. I'm not judging your relationship choices at all but think of it another way.. not all your friends know your poly so if one of them misunderstood and thought you were cheating would you want them blasting it on mumsnet and plotting to tell you.

LanaorAna2 · 04/06/2018 23:53

I'd want to know because I'd need it to be my call who I had children with. Depending on the fertility probs I had (are you sure it's not him btw) it might be worth slipping away and starting with someone else, or I might be told I had to get on with it ie use his material and then get rid.

imamum21 · 04/06/2018 23:56

i would want to know, i would also want proof as it would drive me crazy trying to find it myself and having someone message me telling me especially if it was a fake profile as i would be like okay someone is doing this to wind me up, i think i would ignore it - if there was a new facebook page made up just to tell me that anyway

MyKingdomForBrie · 05/06/2018 00:00

The OP’s mutual and honest relationship choices have absolutely zero to do with it!!

I wouldn’t tell her though OP. Talk to your friend openly and honestly, don’t just go chucking the cat among the pigeons.

sue51 · 05/06/2018 00:00

I'd tell her. I would want to know if I was in her shoes.

Eveforever · 05/06/2018 00:03

I would want to know, but some people are happier left in the dark. I assume you're not going to know if she would prefer to know, or not, so you're going to have to decide what you think is best. This is putting you in a very awkward position, it's certainly a moral dilemma. In this situation, I think it would be better for her to know now before a baby is brought into the equation. If she knows she can, hopefully, make a more informed decision about the future of this relationship.

tolerable · 05/06/2018 00:10

tell him to tell her..or you shall...but only if your going to.

Italiangreyhound · 05/06/2018 00:16

MyKingdomForBrie "The OP’s mutual and honest relationship choices have absolutely zero to do with it!!" I don;t think her dh is honest about poly. And I do think it has something to do with making judgments about other people's relationships, how does she know this woman does not know?

"Talk to your friend" They are not even Facebook friends, they seem more acquaintances.

But I will agree with you "... don’t just go chucking the cat among the pigeons."

This feels very unfair to a woman you hardly know. Your not even risking your relationship with her because you don't even seem to be friends. Your friends with her wayward husband. I'd leave them all to it.

Italiangreyhound · 05/06/2018 00:17

""Talk to your friend" They are not even Facebook friends, they seem more acquaintances." Sorry if you meant the man, not the women!

Anyway, I'll leave you to it OP.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/06/2018 00:20

I'd want to know, especially if I was trying to have a baby with the piece of slime regardless of how I was trying to conceive.

And I'd rather know BEFORE an anniversary than shortly after I celebrated my 'happy' marriage!

Just tell her and perhaps assure her you aren't going to be spreading gossip. It's up to her what she does with the information. She can dump his sorry ass now, get pregnant then dump him, or she can choose to ignore his infidelities and carry on brightly.

I think the idea of a PAYG phone is brilliant. She can call or not. And you can simply terminate the phone if she decides you're a 'troublemaker' and hassles you.

Fruitbat1980 · 05/06/2018 00:25

“We’re polly” I was like wtf has a bird got to do with it.
I am so no down with the lingo.

Swipe left for the next trending thread