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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you want to know?

105 replies

WiltedDaisy · 04/06/2018 22:45

Name changed for this. I have just discovered a friend has been seeing several women behind his wife's back since they got together. They've been together about 5 years I think maybe 4 and are about to start IVF, which we know because he moans about it.

He has moaned when drunk before about the lack of sex even though she wanted a baby and how he wished he could get away with an affair as he knows he married the totally wrong & 'f*cking dull' as he calls her Confused, woman.

It's such a cliche though too with his job (and they're all supposedly at it), but I thought he was nicer deep down Sad

For background, I'm not at all close to her. I barely know her really. She's not even on my FB friends list.

Would you want to know?

OP posts:
Original poster
WiltedDaisy · 05/06/2018 00:44

Not quite sure what my husband not wanting to tell her, because we will get the blame for it, has to do with our own open relationship Hmm funny how people twist things isn't it.

He just thinks we shouldn't get involved.

To be clear, he is a friend we've known for years in every day life. He is nothing to do with our lifestyle or personal sex life Confused We just happened to find out he'd been sleeping with one of our poly friends as she was showing me photos of 'this fit guy' she'd seen a couple of times and thought we might like Blush

She 100% assumed he was single. She met him on a site and he had several 'reviews' from other women who have met him. All in recent years.

OP posts:
MyKingdomForBrie · 05/06/2018 00:46

@italiangreyhound what do you mean the OP’s DH isn’t honest about it? OP said they’re in a poly relationship so she must know..? As for whether the wife knows or not - the best place to find that out is from the friend i.e. man having potential affair before storming in..

And yes I meant the man, he is the friend not the wife. Surely you would first approach your friend and exhort him to be honest with his wife before speaking for him?

Fuckwithnosensesauce · 05/06/2018 00:55

Leave this woman alone. I suspect that having a much longed for child is FAR more important than a knob head husband. If the relationship fails after she has her child, she will have had her precious baby. This may be her only chance.

My husband walked out just as we started ttc. I mourned my unconceived baby as much the man I’d loved with all my heat. You will destroy this woman’s life.

Emmageddon · 05/06/2018 01:02

Don't tell her. She may already know. She may have accepted her husband is playing away. Having a baby may be her focus right now.

RhapsodyQueen · 05/06/2018 01:04

I'd want to know. Then it is up to me if I want to still do the IVF or not.

Italiangreyhound · 05/06/2018 01:06

@MyKingdomForBrie

WiltedDaisy said ...."we're poly so that's not an issue for us, although not publicly out to most friends. He wants to keep quiet so it's not us getting the blame more than anything."

So the OP's husband is not being open about it to other people.

"And yes I meant the man, he is the friend not the wife." I realised that after I mentioned the fact she is not this woman's friend.

Italiangreyhound · 05/06/2018 01:09

@MyKingdomForBrie "Surely you would first approach your friend and exhort him to be honest with his wife before speaking for him?"

To be honest, in this situation, as I have said repeatedly, I would leave it alone. When you say that you think the OP should approach her friend, is she going to convince him to behave well?

I am not condoning what he is doing, it is slimeworthy.

If they were not undergoing IVF and if the woman were a good friend or relative I probably would feel compelled to tell. But I would be aware that my relationship with the 'cuckolded' partner may be at risk.

Is it completely clear he is having affairs with other women, or just saying he wants to?

In this situation, I am not sure it would be in the woman's best interests, at this time, to spring this on her. The OP is not responsible for telling her.

Clearly we all have different options, which is fine, but having had IVF in my thirties I am afraid pretty much nothing, not even infidelity, would have been more important at that moment than completing the treatment. And a stranger coming and throwing a grenade into my life, would have been most unwelcome.

The question I am trying to answer is probably not the OP's question. She has asked 'Would you want to know?' and in all honestly I am not sure.

But I am answering a different question. I am answering "Do I think this man's wife would want to know?"

And my gut feeling is, right at this moment, she would not. But, as ever, I may be wrong.

Italiangreyhound · 05/06/2018 01:10

Thank you for tagging me MyKingdomForBrie, I had hidden the thread from sheer frustration but I do kind of what to know what happens! Like watching the end of Dr Who from behind a cushion!

MyKingdomForBrie · 05/06/2018 01:15

Oh sorry @italiangreyhound I didn’t know you’d hidden it! I wouldn’t say anything to anyone either but as OP is already in the stages of planning how to get an anonymous message to the wife it seemed like damage limitation to at least speak to the friend first rather than going for the nuclear button.. anyway I’ll stop tagging you so you can get back behind your cushion!

ForgotwhatIcameinherefor · 05/06/2018 01:18

I agree with previous posters and was relieved when they eventually started dropping in... plenty of women wouldn’t want to know if IVF was about to start and may have heads in the sand - bringing it out into the open could force the hand they didn’t ask for. Awful situation to be in, but it happens.

Italiangreyhound · 05/06/2018 01:25

"I didn’t know you’d hidden it!" I was getting stressed at the thought of this poor women, but now I want to know how it turns out and I can't unhide it. So I was genuinely pleased you tagged me! Honest (I am rarely sarcastic!)

Yes, if something has to happen maybe telling the bloke will make him see what he could lose.

Agree with ForgotwhatIcameinherefor - IVF is very all consuming, it really is!

Biffkipandchip · 05/06/2018 01:27

As much as people say they'd want to know, I've found over the years it's best to stay out of other people's relationships. I think they wouldn't thank you for interfering even though you mean well.

mirialis · 05/06/2018 01:29

No, no way. You barely know her - she does not need to hear this from you when she's about to start IVF and she wants a baby.

Biffkipandchip · 05/06/2018 01:36

Reading more of the thread, could you get him to drop himself in it? Invite the OW you know out for a drink and have your DH and the couple to chance meet up in a bar. Awkward as hell for him, but a woman scorned, maybe she'd tell her for you?

LoveProsecco · 05/06/2018 01:38

Nightmare situation. I think I would want to know but appreciate the woman may think differently

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 05/06/2018 01:43

i probsbly wouldn't want to know. However I'm also not stupid or deluded and I know these things have to come out sometime and some how. It's better to be now than 10 years down the line when there are 2 broken hearted kids involved.

ShamelesslyPlacemarking · 05/06/2018 01:54

She met him on a site and he had several 'reviews' from other women who have met him. All in recent years.

So ask your friend who shagged him to send the guy's wife a Facebook message with a link to his site profile, along with a strong suggestion that she creates a profile on the site and checks out what her husband has been up to.

Contrabassista · 05/06/2018 02:00

Definitely tell her before she gets pregnant with this horrible man. Imagine the life the child would have with a father capable of saying such awful things about the woman he was going through ivf with? Good luck.

applesandpears56 · 05/06/2018 02:36

I think you’ve got a duty to tell her for the potential baby’s sake

Smiler88 · 05/06/2018 03:54

DO NOT TELL HER. As someone who has had fertility issues and has gone through IVF I cannot stress enough that it's isn't a decision that you come to lightly. It's all consuming, often very expensive and can be severely affected by stress. You have IVF if you want a baby more than anything in the world. Otherwise you wouldn't put yourself through the trauma of it. Because its physically and emotionally traumatic. You say you don't know her that well - how do you know she doesn't have her suspicions but goes along with it because she desperately wants a child? If she's mid thirties this may be her only chance. Who are you to jeopardise it? Yes he may be a total arse but what do you gain by telling her? A smug sense of self righteousness? Either way, before you do do anything do not say until after IVF - and if it works until after the baby. I suspect all those who say tell her before she has a baby with him may not understand the total heartbreak you feel when know you might not be a mother due to fertility issues. Who the hell are you OP to throw a grenade in to her life and shatter what may be her only chance? They can split after a baby but don't rob her of her only chance, especially if you barely know her!! Any stress afterwards could cause a miscarriage. So now is definitely not the time!

smithsinarazz · 05/06/2018 04:34

Don't! Just don't. You never know what damage you might do to her. Besides, much as your friend sounds like a dick, it's still transgressing against that friendship if you tell on him.
It seems to me that the likeliest outcome is that you throw a hand grenade into the marriage of some woman who you don't really know, and make your friend into an enemy for life.

Maldives1986 · 05/06/2018 05:58

I'm not sure I would tell her. I understand your intention but people often tend to "shoot the messenger".

It could be that she already knows but is trying to put a brave face on and get on with life. You bringing it up could expose her humiliation further.

A situation I really don't envy you for but I would re-evaluate who you have as a friend imo

PaintedHorizons · 05/06/2018 06:44

Leave her alone. Nothing to do with you. Staggering that you think that you know how she would like to live her life without even knowing her.

Meanwhile you live yours in a way that many people would judge. And yet you judge theirs. He is clearly "poly" with your "poly" friend - just as you are "poly" with your (non-out) DP. The only difference I see is that you assume that she is being deceived, would not like what her DP is doing and deserves your pity. Not nice.

mirialis · 05/06/2018 08:38

All these people "you have to tell her for the baby's sake", "so much better for her to find out now than to have two heartbroken children 10 years down the line", "she can always use a sperm donor"...

you have absolutely no idea fucking idea.

you barely know her OP - keep your nose well out of it.

crispysausagerolls · 05/06/2018 08:59

Can someone explain to me why “she may already know” is a reason to not tell her? If she already knows then what is the harm in re-telling her? Also, if she knows and still wants to do IVF because she wants a baby then that should be HER decision. She should have all the facts before committing to a child with this absolute wanker. The main thing is that OP needs to actually have proof - OP does your friend have screenshots of their convos or his profile from the sex site? I would completely want to know if my husband was cheating on me! But I would need to see evidence as I simply wouldn’t believe it otherwise and it would only cause stress and angst.