Would you want to know?

[WiltedDaisy]

Name changed for this. I have just discovered a friend has been seeing several women behind his wife's back since they got together. They've been together about 5 years I think maybe 4 and are about to start IVF, which we know because he moans about it.

He has moaned when drunk before about the lack of sex even though she wanted a baby and how he wished he could get away with an affair as he knows he married the totally wrong & 'f*cking dull' as he calls her , woman.

It's such a cliche though too with his job (and they're all supposedly at it), but I thought he was nicer deep down

For background, I'm not at all close to her. I barely know her really. She's not even on my FB friends list.

Would you want to know?

Might she be willing to go through IVF because she so wants a baby with her DH , not a baby full stop ? She is putting herself through it unaware of his deceit

I'd want to know - I wish someone had told me

I'd want to know. At least not being close to her you're not risking a close friendship.

Those who are adamant they'd want to know/wished they'd known:

If the choice was not only not having the children you love so much now, but never having any children at all, don't you think there is a possibility you would feel differently? Are you 100% certain that you would rather have known in advance your husband was a cheating twat if it meant never having a child?

You have no idea how this infertile married woman standing in the last-chance saloon would feel and as Italiangreyhound said, to have that grenade launched at you by someone you don't even know... no, no, no.

I don't believe that all the people with kids saying they would want to know if it meant not only never having the children they have now but also never having children at all, ever, would want to know.

The only people I could even begin to take this from would be best mate or sister - people who care about me deeply and would only make the horrendous choice to tell me, knowing the damage the fallout would cause, if - knowing and loving me as much as they do - they 100% felt it was the right thing for me.

At least not being close to her you're not risking a close friendship

Exactly. The OP has absolutely nothing to lose whatever she wants to do here because she doesn't even know this woman.

Keep out of it and stop hanging out with twats.

I've told someone before. I sent an anonymous letter.

I sent an anonymous letter

how brave.

i used to think that I would always tell someone because I would always want to know.

And then seeing two people I love go through this - one with an anonymous 'tip off' and one with a letter from the OW...

No.

Even taking the IVF (which unless you are a childless/childfree - whatever you was to call it - woman with female infertility at the age of 35+ you have no clue about) out of the equation, this is nothing to do with you.

Unless you fully understand the personality, mindset and circumstances of the person involved (which cannot be the case with someone you don't know very well) and are genuinely doing it because you have all the information about them and believe you are doing it entirely for THEIR benefit - and not even thinking about "will they shoot the messenger?, "who would I feel if it were me?" etc - then just keep your nose out of it.

Just because you think would want to know, because you know people who've sent anonymous letters and it's been ok... you are not standing in that woman's shoes right now and unless you really, really understand her... back off.

I'd want to know. And she can have a baby without the useless fucker.

If he's horrible behind her back, it wouldn't surprise me if he's a massive knob to live with. She must know he's a crap human being??

Yes she should know, in the off chance that she's not aware. If she's all for ivf, she might not know.

I would never forgive someone for keeping quiet about an affair. I’d tell her. Not sure how, maybe via text, saying her husband has been explicit about how he’s been sleeping with other women and you couldn’t keep quiet. How if she wishes to contact you she can, but equally, you’re not trying to meddle but thought it was important she has all the facts before she’s irreversibly tied to him.

And she can have a baby without the useless fucker

Why are people finding this so hard to understand??? Even a normally wise poster on here whose opinion I often respect said she'd want to know "no matter how she was going to conceive a baby".

It is so, so clear that you haven't got a clue what it is like to be in her position.

If she's in her mid+ 30s with female infertility and having to undertake IVF, it is very unlikely that she can even have a baby WITH the useless fucker, let alone without him. Unless you have been in her position (and remember she doesn't even have a child - this is not the desperate hope for a second child):

a) go and look up the success rates of IVF for people in her position even without taking into account unexpected emotional trauma whilst embarking on treatment

b) pop onto the IVF threads on here and look at the mental and physical prep women in her position have to go through on the off-chance this is going to work for them and ask how they'd feel about some stranger bravely sending them an anonymous tip off about this so they didn't even know what to make of the one person who's been with them the whole way through this process

c) don't fucking pull a pin on a grenade and just lob in my direction. At least strap it to yourself if you're bringing it anywhere near me.

I happily sent the anonymous letter knowing what a prick he was being and knowing the outcome it was the right thing to do.

Honestly no.

But then I suspect I have a different mindset to a lot of people in that fidelity isn’t essential for me.

You are a hero butlerswharf - yet you can only judge the righteousness of your behaviour on the consequent outcome (which we will take your word for as having been a glowing success).

What is your advice for the OP?

I'd rather not know at all. I even more rather not be told by some random person I'd never met.

Another thing people seem to be missing... some people want to know, some people never want to know, some people only want to know from the right people at the right time (to the extent there is ever 'right time' here). Unless you are close enough to the most important person in this scenario to instinctively know the answer without having to ask randoms on MN, then you really need to keep your mouth shut.

Jaques - fidelity IS essential for me. Probably more so than for most MNers judging by threads here. Non-negotiable, pack his bags, LTB.

And that is exactly why I do NOT need to hear about any shitty behaviour from my husband right now.

@mirialis

Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t want to know. But if he was discrete and I don’t find out, plus he takes necessary precautions I’m not bothered.

@JacquesHammer I totally got what you were saying and we are just so different on this (even with precautions and discretion I would want to know, would probably do shitloads of device snooping if I suspected, employ a PI, and would LTB etc. etc.) and that is absolutely fine of course - we have different personalities and experiences that have led us to these different stances and no one stance is objectively better than the other. And that is why I have learnt that I would never just assume that someone would automatically want/not want to know based on my own personal feelings.

But during IVF as long as he was discreet and taking precautions etc. etc. (which he would have to be because you have STD checks and so on during the process) then for once in my life I really, really do not want to know, not least from some bloody woman I barely knew.

Thankfully sense from Smiler88, PaintedHorizons, mirialis and others.

Yes I’d want to know .

"crispysausagerolls 'Can someone explain to me why “she may already know” is a reason to not tell her? If she already knows then what is the harm in re-telling her?' Because it is private! She may be embarrassed that someone else knows.

' She should have all the facts before committing to a child with this absolute wanker.' Or possibly jeopodise her chances of fertility and assist in the break up of her marriage!

'you’re not trying to meddle' but I think she is trying to meddle. This man isn't asking her to keep his secret. She is not bumping into the woman and the woman saying 'Is my dh being unfaithful?' And him asking her to lie. She could easily keep out of this.

It's her judgement call.

That's exactly what it is , a judgement. I don't think the OP is qualified to make this on a person she barely knows. I'd focus on your own life OP and leave this other woman alone. Whether you think she deserves to know is not the same as whether you have the right to tell her.

Greyhound - it’s not a treat to tell her!
Sometimes you just have to do the right thing even if there are consequences.

Let her make informed decisions.

I definitely would want to know. I note there is an assumption on this thread that the woman is infertile and should stick with it so she can have her baby. It's not always the ladies btw, you have no idea if he has sludgy sperm, or has issues. I have friends who ended up getting a sperm donation because her DH sperm wasn't good enough after rounds of ivf. So let's put that aside and stick with the issue. Her DH is badmouthing her to others amd sleeping with other woman. I would want to know and at least have an option to either ignore or deal with it.