Something seriously wrong with development.

[HansSoloTraveller1]

What could this mean? My DN's health visitor has just said this. She basically told dsis she is a shit mother and "how could you not notice something seriously wrong with his development." She has told her she is getting multiple agencies involved now.

The reasons she has given? He knocks his knees against the sofa. According to the health visitor thats a serious case of self harm.

He doesnt talk (his talking is delayed but he is finally started saying the odd word.)

And finally he is too friendly apparently and he should be shy around strangers.

Has anyone got any experience of this? The same health visitor told dsis she wasnt observant of his hearing problems 6 months ago. Dsis took him for a hearing test and his hearing was perfect.
My aibu mainly is aibu to help dsis put in an official complaint?

How is his muscle tone?
There is a genetic condition called Williams Syndrome in which is sometimes known as Cocktail Party syndrome as people are very sociable
ghr.nlm.nih.gov/condition/williams-syndrome

bionic he doesnt have williams syndrome i was telling dm about it today as i used to work with children with it. Physically he is great strong and energetic. He is friendly to people but mostly prefers his own company. If he wants something he will grab your hand and lead you to it.

You could go through the GP or through an early years setting, if he’s in one or due to start soon.

It’s quite appropriate to want the involvement of community paed and/or SLT at this point. Having any additional needs identified (or at least officially suspected) before he starts school would be helpful.

@Battleax would they even be able to accurately assess him at that age? I thought things like that were done when they got older. My son has quite a few of the autism traits, sensory, social, the way he plays, late speech, late walker, never crawled, doesn't eat etc but I've always been told they can't do anything yet and to relax, wait and see what happens.

not really Hans he developed fairly normslly apart from speech which was the first indicator, and hes always been very cuddley , as he gets older(hes 8 now ) lts increasingly apparent that hes autistic hes also non verbal but at two he was that much different to other two yr olds.

there are other chromosome issues that could be worth looking into my son has chromosome deletion ( thought ti be the underlying reason for his autism and learning disabilities) the symptons of his deletion are wide and varied.

I wouldn't listen to my advice on parenting matters but I think the health visitor was in the wrong and if it was my child I would be making a complaint

It shocks me the conduct of some of these health professionals and the level of state interference but that's another matter

When I grew up we didn't have health visitors or others like that breathing down our neck

My parents were not the best at things but they gave me a good life and did their best considering my sister passed away from cancer at a young age but never really got over it

But we never had this kind of thing and I am not a parents but at a minimum I think you should complain

I've had to do my fair share of complaining but be firm and tell then how unhappy you are over this situation

There's no way there was any justification for them to call her a bad parent

Some children do take longer to speak and may quickly catch up when they start. Dd2 is almost 3 and will still fall back into noise speech at times but there is no delay. A friends child has met speech and language as at 3 he only has a handful of words but they have said wait until they are settled into nursery then they will assess again.
What is the banging knees off the couch? Is it a self harm or a stimulating/soothing repetative movement?
I would ask for another hv and share the concerns raised and see what they say.

HanSolo, my son was language delayed (I obviously have no idea if yours is or isn't). He was our first and it was his pediatrician who noticed it. He needed a speech therapist and it significantly affected him in his early years of school, particularly in learning to read.

He's fine now - 18 years old and off to an excellent university this fall. But it's nothing to muck about with. Get him evaluated for the speech issue if you possibly can.

battleax i will tell her that thanks. x2boys thanks for your insight. Basically his 12 week scan said he had too much nuchal fluid and they said she should consider an abortion. So since birth she has been very open about the fact he could have autism (it seems to run in her dhs family) so shes always suspected it as a strong personality. Her only concern with him is his speech really. She was stunned when the HV announced he was "seriously self harming" by bending his knees to bash against the sofa (in a way that wouldnt even hurt him.)

There’s tonnes they can do pon, particularly in terms of simple developmental assessments and SLT. Which at least gets initial professional pointers, maybe some therapeutic input, maybe reassurance. The trouble is resources are short so a lot of informal gatekeeping goes on. If it’s particularly bad locally, placing greater emphasis on speech and communication rather than autism suspicions per se might be good tactics.

He bangs his knees on the soft sofa as a soothing thing not to hurt himself. Dsis reads to him every night and he loves books he will bring one over to me her or his dad to read them to him.

@HansSoloTraveller1 they do sound like they could be the same child! It's very bizarre, my son isn't good with social stuff and usually plays alone at groups/play gyms with a car/truck. I'm hoping to start him in nursery in September just to see if he gets more outgoing.

It is a worry and I feel bad for your sister having the hv scare the life out of her like that, and also make out that she's neglectful. From what you've said it sounds like she's always sought advice and acted on the suggestions given and there isn't much else that she can do. I hope she manages to contact someone who is a bit less drama llama and speaks to her with compassion and understanding.

Thanks ponder who knew little tots could cause so much worry!

Yes i have to say i am very proud of how dsis is with him. She always is on the ball with getting him seen to its just stressful she gets brushed off then gets told off for not noticing!

Seconding making a complaint- if this HV has spoken to like she has to your sister, she’ll have no qualms making similar comments to other mothers regardless of their vulnerability or issues.

HV’s are supposed to be there to offer support, not to scare parents.

in answer to your original question..no you are not being unreasonable. yes, you should definitely help her to make an official complaint. It sounds like your sister has been very attentive and done everything she can for her child. BUT, even if she hadn't, being so rude and abrupt about it with her is seriously unprofessional.

I think HV in general get a bad name on mumsnet - mine was lovely. This was isn't though. COIMPLAIN!

@Battleax thanks for that, we are seeing the hv for the 2year check up at 2.5 - we could do it with it now but they've told me to wait and see. I did get the impression that they were fobbing us off when I saw them at 18m She told me that they don't like to 'label' this early even though I never did mention the word autism. We had a hospital appt last month and the paed told me to get in touch with hv about speech therapy, so I rang her and she told me it's fine and wait till the 2.5 check. None of them stick to the same sheet so it's hard to know what the right way to approach developmental delay is, if you should approach it at all...

Thanks tiredy yes her original HV was nice and easy going so she was pretty shocked with this one. Sadly its made dsis doubt her own parenting now rather than us just telling her the hv is a nasty bitch.

Definitely put in a complaint.
18 years ago when I had my ds who was my first child I had a horrible hv she came to my home and asked how I was doing and I was honest and said I was struggling a bit and the bitch turned to me and said did I have him as an accessory!

No I bloody well didn’t I had him because I wanted him, my husband was sitting with me when she said it, she made me feel like a terrible mother my pnd got worse and to this day I wished I’d complained about her.

The irony is that I was told by another new mother who complained about her that she was told that this hv had a baby recently and rejected it so her husband had to give up work to look after their child.

Good grief, everything you described is normal but even if she wanted your Dsis to check something then there is no need to scare her like that.

DD could hardly speak at our 2 year check and she had a black eye from a knock.

eggs thats horrendous! Sorry you had to deal with that. Thats the worst part. My family all know how great dsis is. And she sees the best in people so its so hard getting through to her that shes not a shit parent at all.

Oh the hell of health vistitors. When DC were little I saw them as oracles but I soon learned that (with some very notable exceptions) most of them were idiots. There was one who, when I asked her to show me how to cut DDs fingernails, snipped the skin on DD's finger tip. The one who said she wasn't worried about be developing PND because I was 'too bright' which lead to an untreated year of misery. And the total prize who told me that potatoes and bread counted as part of my 5 a day. Luckily my NDN at the time was a HV with some common sense and she eventually steeped in to keep me sane.

It’s not too soon to dx autism - my son was dx’d at 2. How is he at pointing at things of interest and following a point? Does he pass the MCHAT screen (can find it online).

Banging his head on the floor would be a serious case of self injurious behaviour. Not banging his knee.

We had some bonkers professionals when ds1 was little. They all assume you’re in denial (like your sister I wasn’t - I suspected autism from 17 months) and we were told all sorts of contradictory crap.

I’d complain about the HV as well I think.

Health visiting isn't a compulsory service, complain and refuse another visit

OP the HV may be better informed than many health professionals in that the 2014 Children and Families Act now requires them to inform the local authority of any child under compulsory school age that they suspect may have SEN. Perhaps that's what she meant by getting multiple agencies involved although she could probably have been more diplomatic / sensitive in the way she spoke to your sister.

So she's perhaps doing what she's been trained to do, although that doesn't mean she isn't rude and inappropriate!! Your sister is better off going to the GP and asking for a referral for general developmental concerns, she should then get a paediatric assessment and onward referral to the right place depending on the outcome of the initial assessments. If he's going to start nursery at any point they too can refer to early years SLT etc.

This is the wording from the 2014 SEND code of practice:

1.16 CCGs, NHS Trusts and NHS Foundation Trusts must inform the appropriate local authority if they identify a child under compulsory school age as having, or probably having, SEN or a disability (Section 23 of the Children and Families Act 2014).