To have ruined brother’s engagement

[Illuminati12]

I have been sick and can’t stop crying. I have done something terrible. Totally without thought.
I have been seeing someone for 18 months, lovely man with two children who I met just before Christmas. My family have met him and we took the kids to my mother’s and sisters.
My brother and his partner invited the family round a fortnight ago for a meal yesterday. The family meaning widowed mother, siblings, spouses, kids and me. The invitation was sent from girlfriend’s phone and said “Can you come...” I just thought it was a meal in their newish house. I replied that me, partner and his two teenagers could come. The response came from girlfriend “Sorry can’t accommodate Partner and teenagers but look forward to meeting them another time.”
I was a bit put out and replied that the kids were great, well behaved and would fit in. Again response was sorry they could not be accommodated. I now regret texting my brother he said that they hadn’t entertained before so didn’t really want extras. He did hint that maybe my partner could come alone as he and girlfriend hadn’t met his kids. I was really upset as my entire family were going to be at this meal but I couldn’t take my partner and his lovely girls.
My mother then spoke to my brother and he rang me up annoyed that I had mentioned it and again stressed that there was no room.
Yesterday arrived meal at 12:30. I was upset. We took girls out for pizza and at 4:30 I thought my family would have finished meal and now be in garden and we could drop in and introduce girls and everyone would be relaxed.
I rang bell, no answer so went round side into garden. A micro second before they had announced engagement amidst champagne and now all these faces were looking at us. Girlfriend began to cry and ran upstairs.
Completely embarrassed. My partner tried to usher his girls out. My brother was seething.it was a special moment ruined by strangers.
Girlfriend’s mother then came down with her phone and read back texts between us asking me how I could have thought they were invited.
My sister drove me home. Brother rang to say I was out of order. Girlfriend texted that I am not to go near her again and has made it clear that she will not marry my brother if I am invited. She called me pushy and demanding. They had invited me but I tried to bring strange kids to the party and deliberately tried to have my own way.
I had no idea this was special occasion or I would have gone on my own. I am devastated. Family feel brother will calm down and it will blow over. I am devastated I genuinely didn’t do anything maliciously.

Normally everything is relaxed so I thought it would be no big deal.

You were told no 4 times clearly if you genuinely didn't think showing up after that might be a problem then I think you need to start thinking things through more. I get you didn't know about the engagement I get you weren't trying to ruin things. But honestly you didn't think it was out of order to show up with 4 people you had been explicitly told not to bring without so much as a text to anyone.

You need to look at your actions more closely. I can see your upset about upsetting you brother and SIL2B but it's not coming across on here that you really realise all of what you did wrong. I'm not trying to kick you when your down but if you send an apology without getting it all then your going to make things worse.

I don't know why after being told repeatedly they didn't want the girls there, you didn't text at 4 asking if you could all pop over if they'd finished eating? That would have still been pretty rude tbf, but just showing up!?

send the apology text

An apology text is 100% not an appropriate way or enough of a statement to resolve this issue!

the younger one is doing impressions of brother’s girlfriend

Brilliant well behaved kids you say?

You didn't need to be with him and his kids, you could have had the afternoon off to attend your family gathering. They're his kids, no we about it.

Morgan12
She seriously ran away crying because you brought the children? That's pathetic. You are all being very dramatic.

That would be according to the OP and how you read it.

Lets not forget the planning that has gone in to this and the problems that the OP caused prior to the event.

Wow.

They said no
You did it anyway
You ruined a special moment and humiliated your dp and his kids

....slow clap....

You have some serious making up to do op.

Start by putting an apology down in writing and sending to your brother and future sil.

• and also apologies to your dp and his kids.

Why do Somme people never get over the teenage 'everything is a drama' phase.
You should take no for an answer, your potential SIL has no need to get upset at the sight of some teenage girls.

Oh god you sound like my EX SIL.
Everything had to be about her and her way and if it wasnt she would pull a stunt just like you did today.
I could go on for 10 pages about the crap she did over the years.
Thing is if you asked her if she was like this she would say no. She has no self awareness at all.

You say you are not nirmally like this but I have to wonder given your famalies reaction if you actually are but like my SIL you just dont see it.

Apologise.

I genuinely don’t have form for this

I bet you have, just that no one has ever reacted to it before.

Still you got to 11 pages with just 2 posts. Bravo man

(anyone else remembering why Monica Gellar wasn’t invited to her cousins wedding, but Ross was ....)
Has DB’s DF met your OH in a past life?
I suspect after running and crying when you turned up, she’s gonna be a real Bridezilla. Surely she should have been filled with joy and love for your DB that nothing else should have mattered.

but the younger one is doing impressions of brother’s girlfriend

Have you told her off for this or are you 'smiling indulgently'?

I can see why she doesn't want you at the wedding.

Why did you want to make THEIR event about introducing the girls to the family? If it is so important to you to introduce the girls to the family, why didn't wait to organise your own event to do this?

Those poor girls and your DP, what a terrible introduction to your family.

As everyone has said, you need to give a heartfelt apology without justifications and rationalisations. You need to say you realise how badly you have behaved.

Poor SIL to be probably thinks the OP will turn up at the wedding with the SDs in bridesmaid dresses.

As for the girls the older one was mortified but the younger one is doing impressions of brother’s girlfriend.

So, because you decided to ignore simple instructions that you had been given FOUR TIMES, your brother's engagement announcement has resulted in his fiancee being mocked by a teenage girl she doesn't even know. I'm guessing you've told her that this isn't funny and is actually quite nasty? I thought you said she was a lovely girl?

Honestly, if this is for real, I suspect you have a long history of trying to get one over on your future SIL, and this particular incident was just a step too far. I know you said you don't believe you have form for this, but to be honest, you sound quite self-absorbed and used to getting your own way, so maybe you just haven't noticed that you're upsetting people.

I'm sorry, I know all of this sounds harsh. Maybe you have always been nice to your future SIL, in which case her reaction was completely OTT. But I strongly suspect there's a backstory here.

@Illuminati12 , you are minimizing. There has to be more to it, for the fiancé to react so strongly.

Four hours for a Sunday lunch isn't unreasonable, it can go on all afternoon. Family events don't tend to be quick meals, do they?

Yabvvvvvvvvvvvvvu.

op i am going to go against the grain here and say that if you turned up hours after the meal then it is not as bad had you turned up at the actual meal. You weren't to know, in essence though i think the fiance sounds like an idiot and went totally ott. She was announcing her bloody engagement- not about to give birth. She could have done it with the 2 girls there, they'd have hardly of cared.
Granted your behaviour wasn't the best but she totally overreacted.

I thought this I thought that.
The only thoughts you had were of yourself OP.
You are definitely a CF. Take a bow.
In future, when someone asks something of you, or tells you something, take it at face value rather than trying to work out how you can twist it to make it exactly how you want it.
The vomiting and hysterics- let me give you The 5 Gs
GOOD GOD GIRL GET A GRIP.

I’m going against the grain here but I think OP is getting a hard time. Yes it was foolish to pitch up unannounced when you’d been told the kids weren’t invited but the fiancées reaction is completely bizarre and disproportionate. As I understand your post, your brother wasn’t proposing, they were announcing their engagement which is surely much less of a big deal. Is the way it was announced really going to matter in the scheme of things?! Her saying she won’t marry him if you go is just totally absurd IMO.

I guess it partly depends on what kind of family relationship you have and what boundaries are ‘normal’. My brother or I dropping round at one another’s house just wouldn’t be a big deal although we’d probably text ahead. If OP and her siblings are used to unannounced visitors, the drop in hours after the meal just doesn’t sound like such a big deal.

Honestly some people are just too precious about all things wedding. As I say, I can understand her being a bit pissed off but jeez, what a drama queen

YWBVU. You need to beg and plead and grovel. Also why are you so desperate for your partner’s kids to get involved with your family?

Despite your protestations I am 100% certain now you have form for this.

As for one of your boyfriend's daughters doing impressions of GF she sounds delightful wonder if she's doing impressions of you behind you back?

The child mocking the adult sounds awful, hardly great children with manners that poor.

''Surely she should have been filled with joy and love for your DB that nothing else should have mattered.''

This-why the hell would you care if 2 teenagers connected to the family were there to witness it too?? Such a spoilt brat.

Re: your statement
'I have been sick and can’t stop crying. I have done something terrible. Totally without thought'
I doubt the above statement especially the 'totally without thought' bit!
You thought about it a lot as your posts show you rang everyone to insist on invitations for your partner and children - despite numerous refusals decided to turn up anyway - what did you expect?
I have a sister like you and to be honest because of her we do not have family occasions any more - too emotionally draining and not worth the effort. Sad isn't it!

If possible try to think about others not just what you want

OP - it matters not one iota that you didn't think they would be announcing their engagement, nor does it matter that it was your partner's weekend with his children that is just you trying to justify and/or excuse your behaviour. You were repeatedly told this was not an occasion for them to meet your partner's children and yet you decided to just barge in with them anyway and force a meeting.

Try thinking of others for a change, listen, hear and accept when they say "No".