To feel I’ve wasted my life

[WaitingForSunday17]

I have never achieved anything. All my friends have good jobs and went to university.
I am mid 30s - so old for a career now anyway - and have done nothing with my life. I have a chronic health condition, which is no excuse, but is at least part of the reason why I’ve achieved so little. It’s left room for not much else at times.
I have two children, I have stayed at home with them and my youngest is now 2 and a half.
I’m feeling so old and depressed. I feel I have no worth as a person and add nothing of any value to society. Also I’m boring. I mean I’m a sahm who has done nothing, ever, which is pretty dull. On the rare occasions I go out socially and don’t say very much because I’ve got nothing of any interest to anyone else to say and also it’s clear that I’m the massive failure of the group.

Aibu to think I’ve wasted my life and now it’s too late?

Yes yabu. You need a hobby or a job!

I would not classify having and raising two chidren as doing nothing, and I'm sure your kids would feel your a person of much worth.

Could you be suffering from depression? How long have you felt like this?

You're only 30! Plenty of time for a career plus you have 2 beautiful children

Get some hobbies & join some groups to make friends?

Omg you created two whole humans and looked after them. This isn't nothing! It's easy to be selfish!

You're still young, plenty of time to do something fulfilling. You need a PLAN!

And by that I am in no way suggesting what you have done or do now is worthless but you need something that's about you.

You certainly haven't done nothing!!! And no life is a waste where you've loved others and been loved.

It sounds like you could do with more to keep you busy - could you work part time even? Doesn't need to be a 'career' to still be rewarding and enjoyable!

No I’m mid 30s. Blink and I will be 40. Time has sped up!
Most people manage to raise kids and do something of worth. My friends all have kids. And careers. They don’t have the health condition I suppose but I’m sure they’ve had other stuff that they have managed to overcome.

I think (and I mean this nicely) that feeling like this is a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy as no-one will want to chat to you if you're sending out these kind of vibes. I also think you need something to do. Anything that you enjoy or that challenges you. You can build on that. Do you exercise? I'm not sporty at all, but I feel much better when I get out and exercise. Maybe start there - walking/running is free and you can set yourself challenges. Also, if this is really your mental narrative then it's not surprising you're depressed. I haven't done CBT, but I understand it's helpful in changing these kind of repetitive thoughts.

Also, I am 45 and on my 3rd career so I certainly don't think your life is over. You are quite young really.

In the field of social care/social work most people go into it as mature students. Nowadays there are a lot of young ones but it's the more mature people who have the experience and life stills that the profession needs..... just a thought!!

Apologies if your health condition means you can't easily exercise. That'll teach my to read the OP too quickly...

I think there is a saying that everyone moves to the beat of their own drum. It's about accepting different paces and rhythms.

Think you just need to figure out what you would like to do and take practical action to achieve it but no, you're not too old.

Do you have something in mind that you would like to do?
I've been in a similar position to you.

What would you have wanted to do? If it is a course, could you register with the OU? If a hobby or playing an instrument, could you start now?
I don’t think it is too late, you still have plenty of time to do something.

I changed careers at the age of 50.

How very sad that we live in an age when being a mother is so devalued that you really think you have done nothing. Tragic. You are doing the most important job there is; and doing it while facing health problems. I am sending you a medal; and also the suggestion that how you are feeling at present might be helped by seeing your GP.

You've achieve everything that you're supposed to, you're alive, the rest is just details.

I'd agree that you depressed, but not the rest of what you're saying.

1. You're a devoted parent = epic achievement
2. You deal with chronic illness, an enormous challenge to even the most positive and well-supported person
3. You are 35. Very far from old. You still have a good 30 yrs in which to learn a trade/profession/start a career.

At the moment it may feel overwhelming bc you're comparing yourself with others who've already invested years in study and careers, but if you focus on your own life journey, the possibilities are endless.

I'm not in UK but where I am there is an online tool for career assistance. You answer a series of rapid fire questions and it spits out a list of career paths that match your interests. Then you click on each answer and it tells you the training involved, the employability rate, the salary expectations etc. you can keep clicking through for more specific advice.
There's bound to be a similar tool in the UK.

The next step is to plot a route to starting the training/study. It may involve a return to FT study, or PT and pt-work - that's entirely up to you.

But my best advice is to limit your research and planning to 1-2hrs a day. This allows you to commit to change without getting overwhelmed. When your hour is done, switch off your laptop and get on with the rest of your day.

As you edge towards your goal, you can incorporate steps like cv writing and cover letter writing. There is a lot of good, free advice on the net for this.

Little steps! Think of it as a suitcase that you have to thoughtfully pack, one item at a time.

C'mon, you can do this. Everyone can contribute positively when the right framework is in place.

Let people help you too; this may mean seeing your GP for help with depression, therapy for working through difficult to manage feelings, careers advice, asking trusted friends fir support.

I'd help you if you were my friend!

It’s tempting to try to keep up with the Jones all the time. Just try to focus on the many good things you have, such as your DC, and don’t compare to everyone else.

Your OP is all about your (presumed) worth or lack of it in the eyes of other people, or of 'society'. But there's nothing about you - whether you like your life, what you love doing, what makes you feel excited when you think about it, what might fulfil you.

You need to move your (to use a person-centred psychotherapy expression) locus of evaluation inwards, from others (or what you assume others think) to you yourself. If you go out there and have the most brilliant career purely to make yourself feel worth something in others' eyes, it will eat you up from the inside too, eventually. What is it you actually want? What makes you feel energised? (

If you are a loving, nurturing, kind parent then you have already added to society. You are raising and shaping the next generation. Don’t undervalue that. If the entire world was full of good parents it would look like a different place imo.

It sounds like you need something else to boost your self worth. You’re only mid to late thirties that’s not too old to change things at all. Are there any hobbies your health condition will allow you to do? Any classes you’d be interested in? Anything that you could work toward job wise for when the little ones are older (if that’s what you would like/are able to do - there’s no shame if you can’t)

I’m sure mn’ers who can relate will have tons of ideas for you. Plenty of people end up in this scenario, I’ve read many uplifting stories, (I do appreciate it can be much harder with a health condition as I have a serious one myself.)

I agree entirely Mishappening!

Get over yourself - you are in your 30s?? You could live til you are 100 that means you still have 70 years ahead of you. Stop whining and get on with living.

Bloody hell fire! You have carried, given birth to and raised two new lives. Do you know how special that makes you?? Those children will live with you in their minds, and their children's lives for the next 100+ years. Think about that for a hour. All those memories, anecdotes, laughs and warmth. How could a 'career' ever compare???

In the nicest possible way - less moaning, more action. You are young! So a big all singing and dancing career might not be coming your way but maybe that's not what will be the main story of your life. Are you healthy enough to do any kind or sports or activities? Or join a book club/music club? What floats your boat?

I often feel like you OP and hearing some of others’ answers has boosted me actually as bringing up children is a huge thing to do in itself and yours are still so young.

I wonder if your self esteem is the main issue and having any health condition is hard too (I’ve had chronic fatigue and a lot of brain fog so empathise ).
Also don’t be hard on yourself as it can take time to find your ‘thing’ and even more so when your day to day is so filled with children’s needs etc. Mine are a good bit older and I have only just started to discover something I absolutely love doing and can make some money from as I never dared think I could and some really good friends have encouraged me. Be generous to yourself and I think you need lots of self affirmations and to notice the millions of worthwhile things you already do as I often don’t either.
all the best