To feel I’ve wasted my life

[WaitingForSunday17]

I have never achieved anything. All my friends have good jobs and went to university.
I am mid 30s - so old for a career now anyway - and have done nothing with my life. I have a chronic health condition, which is no excuse, but is at least part of the reason why I’ve achieved so little. It’s left room for not much else at times.
I have two children, I have stayed at home with them and my youngest is now 2 and a half.
I’m feeling so old and depressed. I feel I have no worth as a person and add nothing of any value to society. Also I’m boring. I mean I’m a sahm who has done nothing, ever, which is pretty dull. On the rare occasions I go out socially and don’t say very much because I’ve got nothing of any interest to anyone else to say and also it’s clear that I’m the massive failure of the group.

Aibu to think I’ve wasted my life and now it’s too late?

I am sure the op is delighted she posted.

YABU - yes @mishappening - grab your life by the scruff and give it a good shake -you are so young, you only have one life, stop reflecting back, start living, start thinking forward.

In the same position as you with a chronic health condition but older. I achieved more than most people do by the time I was 21 but then life got dull as I had no energy to chase my dreams. You need to stop thinking you are a failure, boring and comparing yourself to others. You have raised children which is a lot. Think about the people who had their health and never did anything, they had no excuses but it does not matter as long as they are happy. Find things which make you happy and try to study them part time and please learn to be happy for no reason. I know it is hard as people with things like CFS have lost interest in hobbies and suffer from brain fog. Please work on your self esteem, even if you have not done exciting things able bodied people do or get out much, your opinion is of interest to others. Also finding other people and making friends with others who have health conditions can be good, they understand how you feel. I dumped a few friends who called me lazy and did not understand that I could not walk to the corner shop, let alone anything else.

honestly, your life is not done yet. Just stop comparing yourself with others and have a long, calm look at what you might like to do - choose a few things, then see what is still achievable. I know you feel you are old, but you are never going to be this young again. Maybe try as a start to look around you each day and see something you are proud of or have enjoyed. I did this today pottering round my garden - it's a very badly maintained and quite small garden but I thought how lucky I was to be out in my garden in the susnshine, how much worse life could be.

I suffered from depression and gave up my promising career.

I felt like a failure for years

What got me back was doing volunteer work - there is such a huge range f things you can do in your community. Choose wisely - not what you think you ought to do; not something that you need to get a career - but something that you believe you can do and will enjoy right now. For as much or as little time as you can cope with right now. Then in time you can challenge yourself more. Be kind to yourself

The website do-it.org helped me find the right thing

The open university have 100's of free courses, they are snippets of main courses, you can use them as a taster to see what you are interested in. Might be worth having a look to see if there is anything that interests you.
www.open.edu/openlearn/free-courses/full-catalogue

You sound depressed.

Writer a list of where you want to be when you are 40.

Work back from that with what steps you have to take to get there

Lots of mums start again in their 30s/40s50s with dcs and have great careers and lives!

And I agree with SpringSnowdrop that it's really hard to get past this feeling while the kids are still so young. Can you carve out any time for yourself during the week? Does he/she go to playgroup or nursery?

Start reading The Times or The Spectator every day and as you get to know more about what's going on in the world, you will be able to form opinions and have something to talk about when you're socialising!

Do a free online MOOC such as a FutureLearn course - only a couple of hours a week but free, brilliant quality, and interesting.

You’re being really hard on yourself. Most chronic illnesses involve fatigue. You have DC and sound like a fabulous mum. Do the people you mention with careers as well as families also have chronic health conditions? If not, it’s maybe somewhat less exhausting for them to combine work and family than for you. Be realistic. How much can you do without making your condition worse? And go from there. Is there anything you would like to do either voluntary, paid or studying? If so is it achievable around family and health?

If you weren’t comparing yourself to others, would you say you might be content with how you live now? If the answer is yes, then try as hard as you can to not compare yourself and not to feel a failure (because you really aren’t)

If the answer is no and you want to do something to bring yourself happiness or a sense of achievement or a goal, then take small steps towards it.

If you are just miserable and think you might be depressed get the support you deserve by going to the GP to discuss how you feel.

You don’t have to
Justify yourself or what you do
Or don’t do to anyone though. You are worthy just as you are

Waiting, you're young yet. Your youngest is only 2. I didn't get properly stuck into my career until my youngest was 16.

I remember feeling like this when I was a SAHM. I was so unused to having proper conversations with adults that I became tongue-tied in social situations. I even forgot my address once in the panic of being asked where I lived when I wasn't expecting the question!

It's even harder for you, because of your health condition. Don't be so hard on yourself. Are your children happy, loved, well-cared-for? That'll do for now.

My advice would be to develop one or two interests of your own. Reading, crafting, baking, for example, are things that are easy to manage when you are home with the children. Maybe join a group or class. Are there any support groups for people with your health condition? Or a parents' group?

You can add something to your family's lives just by being there for them - being kind, warm, reliable, sympathetic. You can be valuable to society by bringing up your children to be loved and loving citizens, by supporting family and friends, or, if you want to extend your reach, by doing some voluntary work.

Try not to compare yourself with others. It's not helpful and, in truth, you don't really know the reality of their lives.

I guess I’m sad and annoyed because I feel the health condition has really held me back and impacted so massively on my life. It sounds like such a cop out because outwardly I look healthy but it really drains me and it’s unpredictable so one week might not be so bad and another really tough.
I was a teacher pre dc and I really struggled with it then and it’s got substantially worse since. I wouldn’t manage to teach and manage this condition and look after my dc. There is just no way. So that was several years of time wasted there.
I don’t know, it’s all very depressing.

Great post TheBlackMadonna

I am concerned OP, that the sense of worthlessness you have is depression speaking. Addressing depression is a different process for different people. For me, what helped me at first was knowing that I was depressed. Just that, helped.

X post.

You don't see this right now, but you are immensely skilled. You are mature, you've had children, you've had training into something and insight. You've coped with adversity. It really really is not too late.

It's not always as easy as grabbing life and getting on with it. When you feel so bloody worthless as OP seems to feel it can seem impossible. Sympathies OP feel the same some days won't bore you with the details, had medication, cbt all helped but not sorted the problems. I have made a list of where I want to be in 3, 5 and 10 years time, job, home, etc. Broken it down into chunks and I am going from there, It gives me hope and stuff for myself to concentrate on when the kids and baby are asleep. I have much to be grateful for, we all do but sometimes it just doesn't help.

@waiting, first please stop comparing yourself to others. Second, think about what makes you happy. It sounds as though you don’t sound caring for 2 kids entirely fulfilling (which I get) and so what would make you feel more fulfilled? Do you have a hobby, a sport, play an instrument , would you want to learn a new language or a new skill. You’re really young and your life is ahead of you x

Download an app called MUSH meet other mums in your area and you will find that you are all very worthy interesting and awesome human beings!!!!

I did a degree in my mid 40's and now have a fantastic job earning over £60,000 a year after being a skint single mum for years. Why do you think you are too old in your 30's? I also have a chronic health condition and occasionally need to use a wheelchair. It has not held me back at all.
The only thing holding you back is your own mind.
I have never given a stuff what other people think and you need to stop doing that and start thinking about what you would like to do to make the rest of your life meaningful.
I particularly like buying shoes, it makes me happy. As do animals, being in the countryside and open air swimming, I do all of the things that I love and it makes my life complete.

I am not going to giving your reams of advice, but one. Yes your life might be painful and full of disability ( mine is the same)

Read the Economist every week - fill your mind with current affairs and interesting stories. You don't have to experience said things, but enjoy being knowledgeable. Know what is happening in Italy, Spain, Europe etc. You may have problems, but you are far from useless. Try it once and watch your confidence grow. As you become educated so you become interesting beyond your every day life.

You are battling a bigger problem than most of your friends. Take a moment to appreciate how much strength and courage that takes.

You are amazing. Keep going. Br brave, be strong, give yourself plenty of time to recharge in between. Live you life with those that are worthy of you, and not the other way around.

I know 3 people who have the same chronic health conditions. One has never worked (because she's American and would lose the state provided prescription medicine support she's had since infancy). She has quite a few hobbies and a group of understanding friends and family members, but she does get sad about not having a job. Another either hasn't worked ever or hasn't for a few years. She and her husband have fostered 4 children and managed to adopt one. She does as much as she can to be a good mother, but it can be draining on her. And I think she sometimes wonders if she's good enough. The third was working in a field she enjoyed, as well as participated in multiple hobbies. Once she was diagnosed and her symptoms got worse, she had to give up her job. She still does one of her hobbies as much as she can (having to admit that she can't always attend). And she's made the other hobby into a freelance artistic career. She's really developing it, but she's painfully aware that her body will probably hit the point where she'll have to give it up and figure out something else to do with her life. All are in their early 30s. So you're not alone in your feelings.
If possible, find a support group relating to your condition (even something like a Facebook group). It's really helpful to be able to vent to those who understand. And try to find some hobbies that you can enjoy while considering career options. If you've been a teacher before, would you be able to handle tutoring? I know there are some tutoring options that can be done from home via Skype, so that might help if leaving the house is difficult. Best wishes, and remember that your value is more than your career.

"You have carried, given birth to and raised two new lives. Do you know how special that makes you??"

Oh come on, more women have given birth than haven't. It's an achievement, but it's not 'special' is it? It's normal.

How very sad that we live in an age when being a mother is so devalued that you really think you have done nothing. Tragic. You are doing the most important job there is; and doing it while facing health problems. I am sending you a medal

first of all, ^this.

Recognising that I am taking the risk of mansplaining here ... I am lucky enough to have a job regarded as relatively "high status", but I fully recognise that only means that society has got it wrong; your job is actually more important than jobs like mine, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Second, though, I totally get the bit about feeling like you've nothing to say when you're in social situations. My wife was a SAHM for a long time and this affected her also, and it has also affected me for long years during which all of my time went to either my work or my kids: most people don't want to hear about your work or your kids, and I can't blame them as I don't necessarily want to hear about theirs! Making time to pursue other interests, and then actually doing so, has helped both myself and my DW.

Best antidote to feeling boring and bored is probably the advice given by several PPs: identify something that makes you feel good, happy, enthusiastic, and then carve out some regular time to do it, even if it's only 1h per week initially! As your youngest gets older it should hopefully be possible to increase that.

You haven't wasted your life. You have kids! Concentrate on them for a bit and then expand hobbies/career/social life later.

As a 48 year old, you genuinely are not too old to start a career, go back into education, take up a hobby, get out of your house and live your life. You can do it!

I’m 40. Up until a year ago I had a career. I lost it due to depression and work stress. Now I’m “just” a Mum. Most days I feel how you describe. I find it helps to remember how many lives I touched while working, and how they will touch others, kind of a ripple effect. I know several ex colleagues have told me that in difficult situations they try to think how I would have acted and do the same. I hope this means I can still make a difference. I worked in mental health. As a teacher you’ve had way more impact. I still remember my favourite teacher, and she still has an impact on how I view life. Most careers won’t have the same impact even over a 50 year span.