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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel I’ve wasted my life

104 replies

WaitingForSunday17 · 02/06/2018 22:06

I have never achieved anything. All my friends have good jobs and went to university.
I am mid 30s - so old for a career now anyway - and have done nothing with my life. I have a chronic health condition, which is no excuse, but is at least part of the reason why I’ve achieved so little. It’s left room for not much else at times.
I have two children, I have stayed at home with them and my youngest is now 2 and a half.
I’m feeling so old and depressed. I feel I have no worth as a person and add nothing of any value to society. Also I’m boring. I mean I’m a sahm who has done nothing, ever, which is pretty dull. On the rare occasions I go out socially and don’t say very much because I’ve got nothing of any interest to anyone else to say and also it’s clear that I’m the massive failure of the group.

Aibu to think I’ve wasted my life and now it’s too late?

OP posts:
BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 03/06/2018 09:43

You aren't too old to have a career. Given you can manage two children alone then you are obviously capable of working so find something you want to do and go for it. Moaning about it won't help, you have to be proactive. Show your children it's never to late to change your life.

Takemetovegas · 03/06/2018 09:46

I studied when I was 30 and it was great! I juggled university and children and it was flexible enough for me to feel that I was still putting parenting first which was important to me and that I was doing something for myself.

You sound stuck in a rut. Don't worry we all go there from time to time. I think that they're designed to push us elsewhere.

Takemetovegas · 03/06/2018 09:47

Oh and you're not too old. You've probably got 40 years of working life left.... horrible I know.

Amatullah · 03/06/2018 09:57

Ahh please dont put yourself down like that, you have done amazing things raisiing your children giving them all your time and effort..but yes you need to do something for you now..Whats your passion? What is it that intrests you.. if you dont have something thats fine, start a hobby and see where it takes you. You dont need a degeree or a massive list of qualifications to be suucessful or even HAPPY!..and those that work in the corporate world are defineteky nit the most happiest. Whats you dp like..is he an ebabler or an inhibitor. Does he push you to do things and supports you or is he perhaps a factor in why you may have low self asteem. I think a life coach or therapist to have a chat with about how youre feeling will do wonders.
Also you have plenty of time, some people at 50 completely change carees..there is hope.
sunday morning chirpiness attributed to full nights sleep yay!

ScaredPAD · 03/06/2018 10:00

Posting as we have a similar narrative .

I was a teacher prekids and certainly wouldn't manage that now. I think I lost some of my identity when I lost that role. Cfs and depression too.

I feel as if I'm not achieving and it is so so hard finding work when you've been out of work parenting. Even admin jobs want tons of relevant experience and I can't see how I would retrain. (Used to want to be a psych or OT but can't move house/care for kids and commute.

It's really hard and definitely dented my self worth and I'm anxious about financial future too.

I think being on mumsnet with the huge pensions and amazing jobs and repeatedly told to have own income doesn't help when you're comparing self with mn people.

In reality we be achieved lots and I'm glad I'm around for my kids. But now I need ... something.

NotAgainYoda · 03/06/2018 10:12

I just wanted to say, that if the OP is depressed, then telling her to stop moaning, or pull herself together may make her feel worse, not better 9however well meant0. If someone had said that to me when I was depressed it would have reinforced my own false beliefs about myself - that I was useless, a loser, lazy, inadequate etc.

Original poster
WaitingForSunday17 · 03/06/2018 10:42

My issue is partly sleep I think.
I often don’t get much sleep or very broken sleep due to my condition. My kids don’t mind mummy having a quieter day or playing in the sandpit outside etc. It’s not demanding like having to be alert in a proper job is. I can sleepwalk through some days. Last night I was awake until 1am and then up again at 3am and 5am. I haven’t had an unbroken night’s sleep in probably two decades although things have got worse in the last five years or so.

OP posts:
Original poster
WaitingForSunday17 · 03/06/2018 10:44

That said I do need to do something.
I have done volunteering work before as I felt a little less guilty if on the odd occasion I couldn’t make it and it was only for 8-10 hours a week.
But that leaves me not contributing financially and dh moaned at me as he said if I was working then I may as well be getting paid for it.

OP posts:
flapjackfairy · 03/06/2018 10:55

A gentle kick up the bum here as well.
I am sure your kids would be v upset to realise you dont value raising them as being of any worth.
I think society has gone v wrong when people only value what they are worth in terms of careers and material possessions.
You are young, find your passion. Do what makes you inspired, make a career of it if you can if that will make you feel better.
Sorry for your health issues . It cant be easy but get inspired by those who have overcome the most amazing odds. There are many inspirational people out there who have triumphed against all the odds .
Google their stories it really helps to motivate me if i read this sort of stuff. Onward and upward as it were.
Sermon over !

flapjackfairy · 03/06/2018 10:58

Ps sorry seen update re lack of sleep etc .
Sorry if i sounded trite. I dont mean to be. I know all about lack of sleep thanks to my youngest child with complex needs who keeps my sleep time to a minimum .

HonkyWonkWoman · 03/06/2018 11:29

It's crazy to only feel valued if you are working!
That is were it's all gone wrong if you ask me.
Raising a family should be enough validation, especially when they are young. It's the most important job that we will ever do in our lives.
For the ones who only feel validated if they are "driven" and working all the hours God sends, good luck to them.
Not for me thank you!

SerenDippitty · 03/06/2018 11:35

I’m feeling so old and depressed. I feel I have no worth as a person and add nothing of any value to society. Also I’m boring. I mean I’m a sahm who has done nothing, ever, which is pretty dull. On the rare occasions I go out socially and don’t say very much because I’ve got nothing of any interest to anyone else to say and also it’s clear that I’m the massive failure of the group.

I sometimes feel like this. I’ve worked all my life without ever achieving anything much and have not been able to have children. You have done something very valuable and should not feel you are worthless!

SerenDippitty · 03/06/2018 11:36

Raising a family should be enough validation, especially when they are young. It's the most important job that we will ever do in our lives.

This confirms my worthlessness!

Thesearepearls · 03/06/2018 11:38

How about some tutoring OP? Builds on the skillset you have, you could do 8-10 hours a week and build it up or not - up to you.

Also the sleep thing - is it worth trying some medication to get into a better pattern? Apologies if you've tried that.

HonkyWonkWoman · 03/06/2018 14:13

I'm sorry SerenDippitty! That sentence I wrote while trying to help the OP has unfortunately struck a nerve with you.

I'm so sorry, absolutely unintended and thoughtless of me.
Flowers

TheStoic · 03/06/2018 14:23

You are allowed to just ‘be’. We don’t all need to change the world or ‘reach our potential’, whatever that means.

We owe our children love and care, and that’s it. The rest is icing on the cake.

Vitalogy · 03/06/2018 14:34

Exactly TheStoic

redexpat · 03/06/2018 14:45

Read this book: how to do everything and be happy by Peter Jones.

SerenDippitty · 03/06/2018 17:23

No worries**@HonkyWonkWoman**. I was being oversensitive I think.

GoldenBuns · 03/06/2018 18:13

Hi OP - I understand how you feel. About a year ago, I hit rock bottom and realised I had to do something - I felt like a shell of my old self. I signed up to volunteer and began studying for something that might lead to a job. I feel like a lot of my confidence and identity has returned - it has been a real turning point for me.

I'm not sure how old your other child/children are - but if/when they are at school have you thought about volunteering there? If you did that and helped out on the pta (not everyone's cup of tea, I know) it might open some doors to a teaching assistant job. I know a couple of people who have done this at my dc school. Might be less stressful than teaching?

raidthefridge · 03/06/2018 19:02

So many great posts. Gonna go through them again when I have a minute as they're so lovely and inspirational.

OP - take heed. You're a mother of two little children. If you did nothing else in your entire life before and after, it would still be an amazing legacy. It's a shame that society hasn't made you aware of that. Xx

Singlenotsingle · 04/06/2018 23:25

How can mid thirties be too old? I started doing a degree at 34, and there were older people than me who did the course. As much as anything, a degree is proof of your determination. It's no good just coming up with excuses. If you want it enough, you'll do it. If you don't do it you dont want it enough.

Original poster
WaitingForSunday17 · 05/06/2018 10:50

The trouble is I don’t know what I want to do!
I’ve just sort of drifted and ended up here.

I would like to do photography but it’s expensive and hugely competitive and I probably wouldn’t be good enough.

OP posts:
goose1964 · 05/06/2018 11:10

Wait until you're in your mid fifties and in the same situation. You have 20 years to sort your self out.

Degree that is job related and in short supply. Graduate and get said short supply job.

AbsentmindedWoman · 05/06/2018 11:14

I'd gently ignore replies from people who have no experience of chronic illness. I'd also take with a large pinch of salt anyone insisting that as they can do it while being chronically ill, so can you, definitely.

Everyone's experience of chronic illness is different. It's unhelpful and quite damaging to suggest that chronically ill people can do anything - if only they just try super duper hard! Because the flipside of that is if you can't manage, well you just aren't trying hard enough.

I read something the other day where a doctor was saying that most adults with no health issues have about 10 usable hours in a day, where they can function properly and well, if they're getting enough sleep and food. Somebody with a chronic illness might have 7 or 5 or 4 or whatever. Maybe it changes day to day.

There is LOADS you can do, you can study and have a career for sure, but don't measure yourself with the yardstick of a person who isn't chronically ill. Long term illness creates specific complex formulas in terms of how much energy you consume with simple daily living tasks, like showering and cooking and life admin, and how much you have to begin with on any given day.