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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my sister not to come home

106 replies

fluffy0 · 02/06/2018 09:32

I'm getting married next year. It is going to be tiny - a registry office wedding and we don't even know if we're going to bother doing something after (depends on finances).

My sister lives in Australia and i haven't seen her for a year. We occasionally message but we aren't too close. She isn't coming back to the UK until August 2019 and the wedding is in May . However, she always wants to be involved in things so the fact she's away for the wedding will really annoy her. She may come back early and I think that's silly as the wedding will only be a few hours, it's not a big do with the whole family at a fancy hotel or anything.

AIBU to tell her not to bother coming? If she comes back for it I feel it's making it into a huge thing when I want it to be small and quiet.

OP posts:
ProjectInsanity · 02/06/2018 09:34

Can you not do your "something" after in August?
Will other siblings be invited?

Original poster
fluffy0 · 02/06/2018 09:35

They may be but they're local so it's a different issue

OP posts:
yellowsnail · 02/06/2018 09:36

Sounds like you don't want her there ☹️

Littlelambpeep · 02/06/2018 09:36

Not sure why you can't do the simple wedding in August really.. that said you don't seem pushed on her being there and maybe get married in secret

VladmirsPoutine · 02/06/2018 09:38

If she comes back for it I feel it's making it into a huge thing when I want it to be small and quiet.

These two things aren't diametrically opposed. You don't sound very keen on her anyway so just let it be. If she wants to come it can still be a small intimate affair and if you do something after it need not be a theatrical production. I can't see the issue here.

Procrastination4 · 02/06/2018 09:42

I think I’d be happy that my sister wanted to make the effort to come to my wedding-I’d be of the opinion she was coming for ME rather than a party or whatever. A wedding should be about people, not about fussing about having a fancy meal etc.lt May be your chance to get closer to her?

ProjectInsanity · 02/06/2018 09:43

No, it's not a different issue.

The only question is if you will invite siblings or not.

If she then comes, it's her choice.

bridgetreilly · 02/06/2018 09:44

If it's that tiny, have the wedding in August when she can come.

MrsJayy · 02/06/2018 09:45

Tbh it doesn't sound like you like her that much and be resentful if she came to your wedding invite her if she comes she comes she wants to see her Sister get married.

Original poster
fluffy0 · 02/06/2018 09:45

I think the issue for me is she would be annoyed if she came back early just for an hour in a registry office. She would bitch and moan about it as all the weddings she's been to have been big dos.

And the wedding is booked so I'm not changing it to August.

OP posts:
londongirl12 · 02/06/2018 09:47

Tell her what your plans are for the wedding, then it's up to her or not if she comes. At least then she knows and won't be annoyed if it's only a small wedding.

NapQueen · 02/06/2018 09:49

Did you know she was coming august 2019 before you booked?

FallenSky · 02/06/2018 09:50

Not really relevant but why have you booked your wedding a year in advance when you're only going to the registry office? Doesn't take a whole year to plan that!

On topic, you're either inviting your sister or not. You can't invite her but then say there's not mucb point in her coming. If you don't want her there then you'll just have to be honest. Although I don't see why you can't just explain to her that it's going to be a registry office and that's it and let her make her own decision about whether to come.

Original poster
fluffy0 · 02/06/2018 09:50

No, she was supposed to come back this year. But I wouldn't revolve it around her travel plans anyway.

OP posts:
ProjectInsanity · 02/06/2018 09:50
  1. change it
  2. keep it, invite no siblings, no after meal/party until August
  3. keep it, invite siblings, (video link?) explain there'll be no after meal/party until she's there in August
  4. keep it, invite siblings except her because you want to decide how she spends her money, offend her
Repealedthe8th · 02/06/2018 09:50

We had a version of the same issue, OP. Though not as far away, all of both (large) families are overseas, and having them come for the casual ten-minutes-in-registry-office we wanted would have meant we had to do way more than we wanted to, when we had huge amounts of other pressing things on and didn’t want a reception of any kind, however small. In the end that was part of what swung the decision not to invite anyone, apart from the two friends we had as witnesses.

I would make it very plain the kind of no-frills, ceremony-only thing you are planning.

squashyhat · 02/06/2018 09:55

It all sounds a bit joyless. I'm all for getting away from the huge productions that many weddings seem to be now, but if it's going to be that plain and simple why not just do it next week?

But it's your do, so as pps have said I would tell her what's happening and she either comes or she doesn't.

FASH84 · 02/06/2018 09:55

Just tell her exactly what you're planning and that it is absolutely fine for her not to come, you won't be upset etc and let her make the choice

Jaxhog · 02/06/2018 09:58

Just tell her it's going to be a brief ceremony and no party. If she then chooses to come, its on her head if she's disappointed.

There really is no need for a big wedding party!

summerinrome · 02/06/2018 09:58

It sounds to me like you don't want her there. Not one bit, but haven't the courage to say so.

Feel sad for her, as I am sure she would love to see you getting married.

You need to make the wedding so small that she and other siblings are not invited, or invite them all. Simply not inviting her will cause the most almighty family row. Your call but be prepared for the fallout.

summerinrome · 02/06/2018 10:00

In fact if I was invited to a wedding, and just one sibling was left out I don't think I would want to attend. I would not want to support that kind of spiteful behaviour.

LoniceraJaponica · 02/06/2018 10:02

I agree that it sounds like you don't like her and don't want her there. What has she done to piss you off so much?

You either invite all your siblings or none of them. You don't sound very nice, unless I am missing something.

NC4Now · 02/06/2018 10:02

Just tell her your plans and say it’s not going to be fancy, that you understand it’s a long way to come for not much of a do, and that you understand if she doesn’t want to make the journey for a couple of hours.

Then leave it to her.

FuckPants · 02/06/2018 10:03

Stop being a coward and tell her that you don't want her there.

HoneyDragon · 02/06/2018 10:07

You’re allowed to get married how you want. You could let her know precisely how little fuss it is and that as you’re all looking forward to her visiting in August so much you didn’t want it to detract from her visit, where you can all celebrate together over a nice meal regardless?

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