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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my sister not to come home

106 replies

fluffy0 · 02/06/2018 09:32

I'm getting married next year. It is going to be tiny - a registry office wedding and we don't even know if we're going to bother doing something after (depends on finances).

My sister lives in Australia and i haven't seen her for a year. We occasionally message but we aren't too close. She isn't coming back to the UK until August 2019 and the wedding is in May . However, she always wants to be involved in things so the fact she's away for the wedding will really annoy her. She may come back early and I think that's silly as the wedding will only be a few hours, it's not a big do with the whole family at a fancy hotel or anything.

AIBU to tell her not to bother coming? If she comes back for it I feel it's making it into a huge thing when I want it to be small and quiet.

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 02/06/2018 11:40

You can quite easily book the registry office and pick 2 people off the street to act a your witnesses. Problem solved, no extra cost, no family. You get married with absolutely no fuss. You don't even need a nice dress wear your jeans.

DuchyDuke · 02/06/2018 11:44

To keep costs low univite your other siblings. It’s spiteful and utterly ridiculous to invite all of your siblings except one. She will remember this, as will your other siblings & it could impact relationships with all of them.

HoneyDragon · 02/06/2018 11:47

^OK then, fine OP. hmm
We all think you're being unreasonable but you don't. That's fine, but why bother with the thread?!^

No, everyone does not think the op is unreasonable.

daisypond · 02/06/2018 11:48

Can she watch the wedding via Skype? So she's present, but not actually there. I think a lot of register offices allow this. It would solve a lot of issues, imo.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 02/06/2018 11:48

Exactly sweeney I'm confused as to why it's been booked for May 2019, all the family have been informed and there's a big hoo ha.

It hardly needs any planning or fuss and wouldn't need to be any particular day. It's literally just going through the vows signing the documents.

If you don't want to invite family then don't. The fact that you've invited DP's parents as witnesses (to avoid their hurt feelings) is a big snub to your family.

DontThinkTwice1 · 02/06/2018 11:49

If you aren't fussed about a party or a "normal " wedding then I don't see why you're so fussed about having 10 minutes in the registry office in spring/summer?

Usually people are only bothered about getting married in spring/summer is because it is more likely they will have nicer weather for photographs/outside eating etc.

If you are walking into a registry office, getting married then doing nothing afterwards then surely it doesn't matter what time of year you do it? You could do it on a Saturday (so school holidays wouldn't be an issue nor would annual leave if you don't work weekends and even then I'm sure they would give you one day off to get married.)

I really can't see how annual leave and school holidays would affect your availability to have a simple 10 minute ceremony in a registry office and do nothing after that you would need to book it a year in advance.

It sounds more like it's to spite your sister tbh.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 02/06/2018 11:53

The wedding will only be a few hours

I just Googled how long the ceremony is and it's 10-12 minutes long. This is all very odd.I thought you weren't doing anything afterwards?

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/06/2018 11:54

August is the summer holidays and usually when parents take breaks. The only reason for not having it in this summer month would be if your work wasn’t allowing holidays or if you couldn’t book a date at the registry officdthen.

If you’d really have wanted you sister to come you would have liaised with her. As I said in my first post, own that you don’t want her there. And really and honestly you now just need to deal with the fall out and by the sound of it it don’t be pretty. But hey ho, your rulz hun.

Original poster
fluffy0 · 02/06/2018 12:06

@Mummyoflittledragon I don't want it in August BECAUSE it's the summer holidays. It's unlikely I'll be granted annual leave as parents with school age children get first dibs on school holiday dates, and going abroad will be expensive during the holidays both for a possible honeymoon and if we want to go abroad in the future on our anniversary.

OP posts:
Original poster
fluffy0 · 02/06/2018 12:07

@ILostItInTheEarlyNineties tbh I'm not sure how long it is. We have to go 20 minutes before the ceremony, but I don't know how long the actual wedding is at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
fluffy0 · 02/06/2018 12:09

@DontThinkTwice1 we want it to be in the summer so our anniversary will be in the summer and it will mean we can go on nice days out/holidays with nice weather in the future, we also want to take two weeks off to be together when we get married and would rather have nice weather for this.

OP posts:
Original poster
fluffy0 · 02/06/2018 12:11

@sweeneytoddsrazor we considered this but what if we can't find anyone? Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
fluffy0 · 02/06/2018 12:12

@JessicaJonesJacket I didn't deliberately book it. She planned to come back this year but changes her mind all the time.

OP posts:
eagleflies · 02/06/2018 12:18

Surely you just need to explain to her that the wedding will be a small, no-fuss affair. That she is welcome but she is under absolutely no obligation to rearrange her travel arrangements to come back early for it. Don't say to her "don't bother" but just explain that it's probably not worth it unless she desperately wants to be there? The onus is then on her and you've been clear.

MilkRunningOutAgain · 02/06/2018 12:25

Perhaps irrelevant but I have a sibling who lives abroad and when they come back, usually every year, it’s all about them, them, them, even when it’s a family occasion that’s not about them at all, they always take over and it is annoying. I can understand completely if this is the case.

Bekabeech · 02/06/2018 12:25

Lots of people have got married getting a couple of witnesses from Mumsnet - or just ask a couple of people waiting to register a birth. I'm sure you could get someone even at my local registry office and it's outside town.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/06/2018 12:27

Fluffy - if it's a registry office wedding ceremony, I think they're usually only half an hour. I'm pretty sure ours was half an hour, and then half an hour for photos in the garden before the next one was finished and wanted it.

And it sounds like there's no real love lost between you and your sister, so I would leave things as they are and leave it up to her if she chooses to come home or not. If she chooses to come to your wedding and then bitches and moans about it, you can say "it was your choice to come". If she chooses not to come to your wedding, then if she bitches and moans about it you can say "it was your choice not to come".
Do your wedding how you want - you're either important enough to her for her to make it, or you're not. But do not exclude her - make it HER choice.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/06/2018 12:30

You said your wedding was planned around annual leave and school holidays so it was fair to assume you wanted annual leave during school holiday time.

I don’t understand why all the angst if she “changes her mind all the time”. You’re really not being clear in your posts btw.

Just tell her when it is then and she can decide whether or not to come and rearrange her trip back to the U.K. for earlier in the year.

KinkyAfro · 02/06/2018 12:41

We're getting married late August this year, just mum and his daughters as witnesses, quiet meal afterwards, just the 5 of us and that's it. Unfortunately his sisters have got wind of it and are kicking up a stink because we should be inviting them, the nieces and nephews blah blah. We've told them it's not happening, we're only doing it for the marriage, neither of us want a fuss and we're not changing our minds.

Do it your way OP but I would tell her your plans and leave it up to her, at least she can't say she wasn't told

DontThinkTwice1 · 02/06/2018 12:55

I'm surprised you didn't just book it this year then in June/July (before school holidays) or even September/October (where the weather can be nicer than the summer holidays) if it's for nice weather anniversaries. I presume you mean holidays in uk for anniversaries too if weather would be a factor, although in this country the summer can be cold and damp so I wouldn't put too much emphasis on a spring/summer wedding guaranteeing nice weather for your future anniversaries.

I got married in December and it's nice not worrying about the weather because you just plan it to be cold and rubbish anyway. The thought of planning a nice anniversary evening in the summer for it to be chucking it down just sounds like a disappointment waiting to happen anyway. We've still had nice nights away/nice walks/nice meals on our December anniversary so unless it's a beach holiday you want on your anniversary the time of year (outside school holidays) is usually a non issue because it can be warmer in March than July in this country with a constant risk of rain.

DontThinkTwice1 · 02/06/2018 13:07

Saying that I can see why you wouldn't book it in August (school holidays) in any year and I can see why you wouldn't want to change it for your sister if August is when she is coming. I just don't see why you needed to book it a year in advance when it's such a simple affair.

What someone said up thread about it being all about the sibling who has come over from far away, even if the occasion isn't about them has a point. My sister lives a 2 hour drive away and doesn't come that often and I remember on Mother's Day one year I had arranged a buffet at my house, bought the ingredients, made it all etc and hosted but it ended up all being about her when she came and she got all the attention and my lovely effort was overlooked 😏

Starlight2345 · 02/06/2018 14:34

Ultimately there is far more to this than you are posting on mn however you already know this is going to have a knock on affect no matter what you do.
I am certain no advice on this thread will change what you decide to do

LoniceraJaponica · 02/06/2018 18:32

Ultimately there is far more to this than you are posting on mn

I think so too. After all, if all you wanted was to be married rather than having "a wedding" then why wait until next year?

There is nothing wrong with having a small wedding - we had one, but it doesn't make sense to wait until next year if it is what you want and it is just a quickie registry office wedding.

BlueJava · 02/06/2018 18:34

I don't think I'd tell her to not bother coming - she may want to even if it's low key. However, I would tell her that it's low key and outline what your plans are - then she can make her mind up and if she comes over she books her ticket know it's won't be a massive do :) Congratulations too!

Yvest · 02/06/2018 18:43

I agree that this is all weird. You just want to be married, so you’re waiting a year to do a 10 minute legal thing. You don’t want your sister there but you’ll have your in laws to keep the peace.

Tell your sister when it’s happening, if she wants to be there she can come and if she slags you off then that’s her problem not yours. She’ll slag you off if you don’t invite her I imagine so it’s going to happen either way but you do seem to be a lot of fuss for something you insist is a non event

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