To tell my sister not to come home

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I'm getting married next year. It is going to be tiny - a registry office wedding and we don't even know if we're going to bother doing something after (depends on finances).

My sister lives in Australia and i haven't seen her for a year. We occasionally message but we aren't too close. She isn't coming back to the UK until August 2019 and the wedding is in May . However, she always wants to be involved in things so the fact she's away for the wedding will really annoy her. She may come back early and I think that's silly as the wedding will only be a few hours, it's not a big do with the whole family at a fancy hotel or anything.

AIBU to tell her not to bother coming? If she comes back for it I feel it's making it into a huge thing when I want it to be small and quiet.

Cost is a factor too @Lostwithinthehills it's why we may not do anything afterwards.

Either just invite parents- no siblings or invite siblings and tell her about it but explain its just a service and nothing afterwards and you are not expecting her to come. What exactly do you mean by bitching and moaning? Are you suggesting that she would ruin the service?

But just because she can afford it, why does she need to? They are getting married to be married, not for a wedding. It's a legal thing. Changing dates and stuff makes it much more of a thing and that's what they're trying to avoid, if I've understood it right anyway.

@Fruitcorner123 she would moan about it before/after, and say her trip had been cut short because of it. She may not say it on the day but she will never forget it. She loves to be a martyr

Op you sound very resentful of your sister for whatever reason.
Your sister may not be a huge part of your life, but she is your sister, and unless there is a very good reason that you are not sharing on here, then it would be wise to at least invite her and she can decide.

By all means don't invite her, but she may choose to cut you out of her life, citing quite fairly that you have hurt her beyond repair and she has no wish to see you again.

I get the feeling this would be just fine with you. So go ahead and hurt her, but don't expect encouragement or support on here which is what i think you are searching for?

You are looking for someone to say go ahead and don't worry.

You may be waiting a long time, because it is unkind and very spiteful.

My guess is you are jealous of your sister and don't want her there.

You invite her but say you don't expect her to be there as it's only a 30 minute thing with no party or meal afterwards..?

@summerinrome I'm not resentful, but I know she would be resentful and never forgive me for cutting her trip short. Even if she chose to come, she would twist it to be spiteful on my part for making her come home early.

Why do you care what she says afterwards? You never see her and she is the other side of the world.

Just invite her, tell her it is a service of 30 minutes no party, you don't expect her to come and you will celebrate in August with a dinner of some sort.

End of.

Don't you think you are making too much of this?

So, basically, you don't really like her do you?

But just because she can afford it, why does she need to?

Well the op is inviting her future parents-in-law just so they don’t get upset. If she liked her sister she could invite her so she she didn’t get upset too

But we must have witnesses of some sort, and DP's parents would never forgive us if hey weren't invited

Crikey. OP. I would let her know it is a:

Registrar: Do you
OP’sDP: yes
Registrar: Do you
OP: yes
Registrar: you may kiss, now sign here.

Honestly, the wedding does not make the marriage, you and your DP do.

Work out the cost of flights and accommodation and then say to her ‘it will cost you x/min if you choose to come’

So you don’t want to change the date but are playing straight into her hands by making her ultimate martyr as she will be the only one not invited. You are both playing very childish games. Be the adult and change your date for one, which suits your sister. If she then doesn’t visit, so be it. But you’ve been the bigger person and you can hold your head high.

The alternative is continuing some childish passive aggressive feud. I have had to go no contact with my brother because he was unable to be an adult with me. He is violent and abusive to me. Is this really what you want with your sister? Because this is where your decision right now is leading. “She wouldn’t do it so I’m not ner ner ner ner ner”.

YABU not to invite her. If I was the only sibling not invited I would be very hurt.
Just tell her exactly what your plans are and let her choose what she wants to do.
You can tell her you'll understand if she decides not to come because of the expense. However it would be very rude just to tell her not to bother coming home

Lost

I think it's just there are two types of people - those that love weddings and those that fear them and want as little fuss as possible, I think that's OP. I can imagine this whole situation is causing her anxiety. You wouldn't expect someone to fly home from Australia for a birthday party of a few hours, let alone a 5 min legal ceremony. But I do agree that it's the choice of the sister, as long as she has all the information then there's no reason for her to complain.

Why would inviting her mean she 'cuts her trip short'?.

If you're so sure she's going to bitch and moan about it (despite you having very little to do with her) don't you think she might bitch and moan jsu t'as much about not being invited?

Personally I can see much more reason for a sister to hold a grudge and never forget about Not being invited to their sister's wedding, than to do the same over the fact their wedding was smaller than they are used to.

OP I'm with everyone else. If you're having in-laws come so they don't get upset, I don't see why you can't do the same for your sister.

I would get someone to FaceTime her from the ceremony so she can at least watch the proceedings, then you can celebrate together when she's over

@Mummyoflittledragon I don't want to pay £100 to change the date. The date was chosen carefully around annual leave, school holidays, other commitments etc. We can't have it in August and we wanted to have it in the spring/summer.

I agree it's very telling that rather than keep it to you and 2 witnesses in a place you would prefer you have compromised so as not to upset the in-laws, but don't care how your sister feels.

Give your sister the choice whether to come, or better still do it when she's home.

Telling someone not to make the fuss to come to something that is a pretty much a non event is not the same as refusing to invite them. Op has stated her sister expects wedding to be a big affair and would more than likely be disappointed in the wedding they wish to have, and she knows her sisters opinion on these things better than we do. The marriage is about the love between op and her significant other not ops love for her sister.

And as for changing the date; if you choose to live in another country than unfortunately you just have to accept that sometimes these things happen. Why should everyone else in the family accommodate all the time because they have chosen to live 13 hours away?

OK then, fine OP.
We all think you're being unreasonable but you don't. That's fine, but why bother with the thread?!

It's silly to pretend you're not inviting her because she would complain about the length of the service.

She'll complain anyway because you've deliberately booked it three months before she is in the country. You're deliberately excluding her.

That's your choice but you can't expect her to be happy about it or expect no-one to notice or expect no-one in your family to chat about the fact you could have accommodated her and chose not to.

just out of curiosity, why have you booked so far in advance for a 5 minute register office ceremony?
also what difference does the date make for a quick ceremony with no meal or party afterwards? surely any day your not working would do?
sorry just being a bit nosey x

It’s your wedding everything is your choice. Having a difficult sister myself I completely can see where you’re coming from .
I was pressured into a big wedding. I bloody hated it & then myself for being a pushover.
I hope you and your future husband stick to your guns and do it your way!
Good luck.

I don't understand why you've told everyone in the family the date of your wedding if you don't want them to come? Why didn't you keep it quiet?

I think you're going to hurt a lot of your family by excluding them, especially your sister. Is this some sort of revenge for something she's done in the past?

Why not ask family to meet in a pub afterwards for a couple of drinks to celebrate the wedding? If they all know money's tight they'd probably be happy to buy their own drink?
Just doing the Registry office seems very sombre and impersonal, and will take about 10 minutes.