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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my sister not to come home

106 replies

fluffy0 · 02/06/2018 09:32

I'm getting married next year. It is going to be tiny - a registry office wedding and we don't even know if we're going to bother doing something after (depends on finances).

My sister lives in Australia and i haven't seen her for a year. We occasionally message but we aren't too close. She isn't coming back to the UK until August 2019 and the wedding is in May . However, she always wants to be involved in things so the fact she's away for the wedding will really annoy her. She may come back early and I think that's silly as the wedding will only be a few hours, it's not a big do with the whole family at a fancy hotel or anything.

AIBU to tell her not to bother coming? If she comes back for it I feel it's making it into a huge thing when I want it to be small and quiet.

OP posts:
HoneyDragon · 02/06/2018 10:08

Personally I think she’d appreciate you saying you don’t expect her to make an expensive special trip to be there.

KC225 · 02/06/2018 10:09

Keep your wedding date and tell her you appreciate the effort but it is very low key, and will only be an hour or so. But promise to arrange a bigger family party in August

bubbles108 · 02/06/2018 10:12

You’re allowed to get married how you want. You could let her know precisely how little fuss it is and that as you’re all looking forward to her visiting in August so much you didn’t want it to detract from her visit, where you can all celebrate together over a nice meal regardless?

This

And be kind to her.

llangennith · 02/06/2018 10:13

Every family is different and the dynamics of the relationships within vary greatly so why do people assume the overseas sister will be sad? Or that if said sister lived locally the OP wouldn’t invite her as she doesn’t really want her there?
OP tell your sister exactly how you feel (tactfully) then it’s up to her to behave at your wedding if she chooses to come or wish you well and celebrate with you all in August.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/06/2018 10:13

You don’t paricularly want her there otherwise you would change your wedding to coincide with her travel plans. It’s a small wedding so changing the date is no biggie. She feels left out in the cold because she’s gone to Australia. Your actions speak louder than any words so don’t try to convince her that it would have been nice if she could have made it but it’s no point because it’s such a small do and bla bla bla. That would be disengenious. You don’t sound very pleasant tbh. Or is there some kind of big back story?

Original poster
fluffy0 · 02/06/2018 10:14

It costs £100 to change the date so we don't want to do that tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
fluffy0 · 02/06/2018 10:16

If she was local she would be invited but it would be embarrassing to ask someone to come all the way back from Australia for a small do. And she would bitch and moan even if it was her choice to come back

OP posts:
Bambamber · 02/06/2018 10:18

Just talk to her. Explain that it's a small, intimate do. You would welcome her company, but as it's such a smell wedding you wouldn't be offended if she didn't attend

LML83 · 02/06/2018 10:22

Tell her your plans, explain you are aware she is coming in August and understand coming in May won't be practical.

If she offers to change her plans tell her you are touched it is important to her and it would be lovely if she can but it is very small and she shouldn't go to any inconvenience.

If she comes then she knows what she is coming for and if she changes her plans it is because you are really important to her not cos she expects a big wedding.

....if you don't want her there that's a different problem.

summerinrome · 02/06/2018 10:28

And she would bitch and moan even if it was her choice to come back

It is the second time you have said she will bitch and moan.

What will she bitch and moan about? Are you saying that she will ruin your wedding if she comes? You need to be more honest in your posts and give much more clarity.

At no point have you said, she is my sister of course I want her there. That says volumes.

ajandjjmum · 02/06/2018 10:29

Just say that you fully understand that it would be ridiculous for her to come back, but you'll arrange a celebratory wedding lunch with your immediate family when she's here?

EleanorHooverbelt · 02/06/2018 10:30

However, she always wants to be involved in things so the fact she's away for the wedding will really annoy her

Maybe she feels you have a closer relationship than you feel you do?

Starlight2345 · 02/06/2018 10:30

I am in the agreement .. you don't sound like you like her/ want her there.

You also may aswell just rock up to registry office.. you sound like you don't even fancy attending your wedding.

EleanorHooverbelt · 02/06/2018 10:31

If my sister (who lives abroad) was getting married I would love to be there. It wouldn't be a case of "I'd go to a big wedding, but not a small one". I would want to be there because of what it meant.

WilburIsSomePig · 02/06/2018 10:34

Isn't it up to her if she comes back or not?

If you tell her it's an hour in a registry office and you may not be doing anything afterwards, then it's her call if she comes or not. I don't see why you would 'tell' her not to come unless you really don't want her there. Which is sounds like you don't.

Lostwithinthehills · 02/06/2018 10:34

You could easily change the date to coincide with your sister’s visit and £100 is a small amount in terms of wedding costs. Just inviting all your siblings doesn’t make a wedding a ‘huge thing’. I agree with other posters, you are giving the impression that you don’t want your sister to be at your wedding so you should just be honest and tell her.

Original poster
fluffy0 · 02/06/2018 10:35

@Starlight2345 tbh I get ridiculously embarrassed so I don't want a wedding, I just want to be married. But we must have witnesses of some sort, and DP's parents would never forgive us if hey weren't invited.

We looked into just the two of us weddings, but they are expensive.

OP posts:
savingin2018welltryingto · 02/06/2018 10:35

I'm with you OP. Simple reg office weddings take 5 minutes, but if she wants to travel back then that's her choice - just make sure she is clear on the set up so can make an informed choice.

lapenguin · 02/06/2018 10:35

£100 isn't a big cost if it means having your sister there, especially as she seems more than willing to shell out hundreds and fly across the world to be at your wedding.
You obviously don't want your sister there and don't see her as beigg worth the £100 to change the wedding date. Just be honest with her, otherwise she will fly all that way even though you don't want her there and you'll be 'stuck' with her.

savingin2018welltryingto · 02/06/2018 10:36

Lost

£100 isn't a small amount when they're probably only paying £250 all in.

LoniceraJaponica · 02/06/2018 10:39

It all sounds rather joyless.

How is a wedding with just 2 witnesses more expensive than a wedding with a few guests?
Why don't you just elope instead?

Original poster
fluffy0 · 02/06/2018 10:42

@savingin2018welltryingto my sister isn't a big enough part of my life to warrant changing it. I know she wouldn't if the shoe was on the other foot. She may go travelling again next year as she decides last minute. The date was decided carefully and we don't want to do it during the school holidays in August or in the autumn. I would only consider changing it if something drastic happened like a parent had a terminal illness (god forbid) and we had to bring it forward.

OP posts:
Original poster
fluffy0 · 02/06/2018 10:43

@LoniceraJaponica the two of us weddings were all in fancy hotels etc. We couldn't find anything where you can just turn up and do it cheap with two provided witnesses. We aren't able to travel too far so that restricted us too.

OP posts:
WilburIsSomePig · 02/06/2018 10:44

With regards to your wedding, it's entirely up to you how you get married and when. It's not for people to comment on the kind of wedding you have.

Lostwithinthehills · 02/06/2018 10:49

saving
I made a point of saying £100 is a small amount in wedding terms, which it is.

The op isn’t saying she is having a tiny wedding because she can’t afford any more but because she doesn’t want a wedding.

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